So a jerk of a boss sent an email to my team lead that basically said “Do this. Don’t do that. Just food for thought!” I have a burning hatred for that term. It’s like saying “I know you weren’t thinking, and if you’d only mull it over, you’d see that I’m right.” It’s a pretentious little phrase that just kills me. So the rest of the day, and in subsequent emails, we’d end almost everything with “Just food for thought!” and “FYI!” I promised to make a FFT every day. Think “World’s Dumbest Professor”, and you’ll get the comedy style. Some previous ones:
There are no fish in the moon’s Sea of Tranquility. This is evidence that the government considers fish to be rabble-rousers.
So I noticed that my package of Sun Chips has something like 300 Calories per serving. And a serving is like 56 grams! Well, I wasn’t about to pause Conan (that dude doesn’t wait!) and whip out my coke scale, which I’m pretty sure is in a box somewhere, so I peruse further down to find that a serving is 16 chips. Thus, I spent the rest of the episode sifting the bag into the biggest 16 chips I could find. If I’m eating 300 calories, I want the most chip for it! As you can see, dieting isn’t about will power, it’s about brain power!
Gas has gone up for the past 50 days straight. Look on the bright side though. I know it takes $20 to fill my tank. As prices go up, I spend less time at the pump!
Some Superpowers are overrated. Flight, time control, those all have their limits. You know what’s not limited? A Platypus. If I were a superhero, I’d be Platypus Man. It’s the Inspector Gadget of the animal kingdom. Go, go gadget duck bill. Go, go gadget beaver tail. I’d fight crime with my dual abilities of egg-laying and milk production. Need to track a villain to his arctic lair? Good thing I’ve got fur. The president wants me to stop a rogue submarine before it launches a nuke? No problem, I’ve got webbed feet. Seriously, there’s some untapped potential there.
So I’m babysitting the other night. We’re watching Mary Poppins, he’s got his carrot sticks, I’ve got my Sierra Mist- you know, the specific version of Mountain Dew- and I realize it’s time for the kid’s medication. Well he’s naturally resistant to the idea, and my taser’s in the shop, so I took a page from ole Ms. Poppin’s book. Apparently, a spoonful of sugar does NOT help the insulin go down. What am I, a frickin’ doctor?! Mary Poppins is evil.
A list of appropriate places to say a cliche, and other not-so-appropriate places. Ex: “Four more years!” OK at campaign rally, not OK at uncle’s 80th birthday party. “You get out what you put in” OK at motivational speech, not OK on wedding night. “He’s got ants in his pants” OK in kindergarten classroom, not OK at…Uncle’s 80th birthday party (aunts).
If you have a fear of public speaking, you need to do two things: 1) Imagine your audience naked. 2) Avoid speaking engagements at nudist colonies.
I sign each one with “Just food for thought, CS.” OK, Dope, I’m running out of ideas. They can be one-liners or a theme. I’m trying to come up with something about sports, like “Touch Football- apparently, they don’t mean any kind of touching” or something about trying to score a touchdown in baseball. There’s also perhaps a travel joke, like about an airplane ride or something. Remember, my character isn’t stupid per se, he’s just bad at thinking things through. Also, you may reference my whipped nature vis a vie my girlfriend, which I make a lot of jokes about outside the FFT jokes. I say I have two girlfriends, my joke GF that is my boss/mother figure and my real life one that I love. So gimme some ideas or outright jokes I can plagiarize!
Will inanities work? Sports have got a lot of them.
“Well, I think the key to this game is to hold a good defense, and putting points on the board. If we can exploit their weaknesses, I think we have a good chance to win this one. They’re a pretty good team, but I think that whichever team manages to put more points on the board will win it.”
They say that the pessimist thinks, “why is my glass half empty,” while the optimist thinks, “why is my glass half full?” I like to believe that I am a realist and that’s why I think, “who left this urine sample on my desk?”
In my youth I thought of becoming a cat burglar, but where would I find a fence for all those cats?
My British friends invited me over to watch some football the other day. It was the strangest thing. I figured it would be a practice, since it was summer, but I didn’t expect to see everyone wearing only shirts and shorts. Even more strangely, there must have been a fumble, as all the players were chasing the ball. But instead of diving on it, they just sort of kicked it around at each other. No wonder this “Manchester” team isn’t better known, if they can’t even quickly recover a fumble.
Shamelessly stolen from The Onion:
I was watching the History channel the other day, when they showed a documentary about this Hitler guy. What a monster! War, genocide, you name it. Kudos, History Channel, for blowing the lid off this Historical villain!
Someone had posted something like this on the board at one time. I wish I could find it again, and I can’t take credit for it myself, but it goes something like:
I noticed that all of my sons Halloween Candy had the words “Fun Sized” on the wrapper. I then noticed that they were all the same size. This led me to conclude that there is a standard size of “fun” and that it is 1 and a half by 2 and a half inches.
Here’s (real) food for thought: according to a 2002 survey conducted by Columbia Law School, 2 out of 3 Americans polled believed that the phrase “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs” either was, or could be, in the United States Constitution. (Which is, of course, the classic one-line quote to summarize Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto.)
Keep em coming folks. Today’s edition was about my outrage at the male seahorse giving birth instead of the female and thus making my efforts around the house seem like small potatoes.
Guns don’t kill people, the bullets do. Unless you use your gun as a club. Or crush someone under a really big pile of guns. Or poke your rifle through the wheel of their bicycle while they are riding at speed. Don’t do any of this, except in self-defence.
I actually thought about posting this as a question to the Dope:
Why are there so many medications now with the letter “Z” in them? And, with all the "Z"s, how come no one has come out with a sleeping pill called “Zzzzz”?
The other day I went to a Taco Bell. They had a combo meal of three tacos and a drink for $3.39. But they had a special on tacos for .79. Since drinks were .99 I could order ala carte for four cents cheaper. So I did. The guy punched it up as the taco combo. I explained that he should punch it up individually and he said “but there’s a combo button.” I explained the math. He said “but it’s available in a combo.” So I ordered a taco. Then I got back in line and ordered a taco. Then I got back in line and ordered a taco. Then I got back in line and ordered a taco. Then I flung four pennies at the cashier and smacked him upside the head with the tray. Also I won a free chalupa from the water coin drop. I think we know who won this battle.
Yes, it reminds me of poor old Roger Zelazny. I’m sure he’s a wonderful author whose books I’d probably love. However, by the time I’m done browsing my way down the aisles, I’ve inevitably found something to catch my interest before I ever get to the “Z” section.