Everybody says God is a loving, forgiving God. I worry about that, when I think what God arranged for His Own Son. Can we expect any better? We’re not even related to the Big Guy.
It’s food for thought. FYI.
I hope I’m not being whooshed here. The “Jack Handey” stuff is by… Jack Handey. Not Al Franken.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Food for thought.
LOL. No, no whoosh there, it was my error. Thanks for giving me the benefit of the doubt! 
I never really watched SNL and for some reason I thought he was a character that Franken played. Now I know.
The Sun is very bright, but it shines during the day, when it’s light outside. It would be far more useful if it shone at night, when we need the light.
Everyone is the protagonist of their own story. Some of the stories really suck though.
Food for thought.
Eating fish and bananas really does help your brain function correctly. Food for thought.
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Everybody got angry about that, because it was Somebody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody, when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
I used to write a thought of the day on my door in college, but I mostly used one-liners. You’re looking for longer pieces, right?
You pronounce ‘pronunciation’ “pronunciation” and not “pronounciation” even though you pronounce ‘pronounce’ “pronounce” and not “pronunce”.
The word for the letter “H"has no H in it and it is pronounced “Aitch”,not Haitch”.
There’s a word for the letter H other than “Aitch”?
Which I note, HAS an H in it. It even has an “Aitch” in it.
Well spotted I defer to your greater wisdom:smack:
Actually, in several parts of the UK and Australia, the letter “H” is indeed pronounced “Haitch”, FWIW.
And related to the OP:
“Video Games ruined my life. Fortunately I have two more.”
And:
“In England, do they call ZZ Top 'Zed Zed Top”? (No, they don’t, FTR, but it makes people smile and think, which is what the OP is after, right? ;))
While some people look at the glass of water and say its half full, others look at it and say its half empty, me I look at it and say it’s a half made scotch and water,
Today’s msg was about a friend that locks himself in a bedroom at night (for robbers) and a guy that leaves the house open (for firefighters). I said I have a compromise. I lock the door but leave a red axe next to it with a sign that says “Fireman Use Only”.
I guess that’s kinda funny. I’m almost outta ammo, so I’m bumping this thread for some more great suggestions. I’m getting rave reviews because of you guys.
I can’t claim originality on any of these, but:
“Who decided that Phonetic wouldn’t be spelt the way it sounds?”
“What did the first person to ever milk a cow think they were doing?” (Courtesy of Billy Connolly)
"What’s so bad about being drunk? Ask a glass of water…" (Douglas Adams)
You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you catch even more with shit. Unless they’re fruit flies, in which case overripe fruit is the way to go. Actually plenty of flies prefer food of some sort, and only a few like shit, and if you’re after vinegar flies, well, you should just stick with vinegar.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, as long as you’re the one in need; if it’s the friend who’s in need, chances are they’re just a goddam nuisance.
Look before you leap, unless you’re about to be run down by a train, in which case it’s not like you’re going to be significantly worse off if you just go ahead and leap in the instant you have.
Shouldn’t “monosyllabic” be shorter?
I’m not sure exactly where I got this, but I’m sure it’s from from one of those top ten lists:
“We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the world, but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration and Homeland Security.”
Another few; I don’t know where I got them:
“Dr. Phil proclaimed, “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started and never finished.”
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.”
“Sometimes the most remarkable things seem commonplace. I mean, when you think about it, jet travel is pretty freaking remarkable. You get in a plane, it defies the gravity of an entire planet by exploiting a loophole with air pressure, and it flies across distances that would take months or years to cross by any means of travel that has been significant for more than a century or three. You hurtle above the earth at enough speed to kill you instantly should you bump into something, and you can only breathe because someone built you a really good tin can that has seams tight enough to hold in a decent amount of air. Hundreds of millions of man-hours of work and struggle and research, blood, sweat, tears, and lives have gone into the history of air travel, and it has totally revolutionized the face of our planet and societies.But get on any flight in the country, and I absolutely promise you that you will find someone who, in the face of all that incredible achievement, will be willing to complain about the drinks.”
“…and then Jack chopped down the beanstalk adding murder and ecological vandalism to the theft, enticement and trespass charges already mentioned, but he got away with it and lived happily ever after without so much as a guilty twinge about what he had done.”
*
“Fur is more actively protested than leather 'cause its easier to harass rich women than biker gangs.”*
These aren’t mine, but things I saved from various places.
From Terry Pratchett’s Hogfather.