I might try it once, just to see what it was like
Geez, even damn D&D has been infiltrated by the IRS
Absolutely, and if anyone in this thread happened to be, to take a character trait completely at random, a Grade A lardbucket in their own right, it would be hypocritical and foolish to go looking for a size 4 sex kitten. Always best to shoot for what you can get.
Good advice, but for the love of whatever you hold holy, shoot for what you want. Shooting for a size 4 sex kitten is a bad idea if what you want is a size 10 nice girl, or a size 20 dominatrix.
I’d advise changing your search techniques, before changing your standards. And if you change your search techniques to join a new group or take up a new hobby, make sure it’s something you can enjoyably do for the next 20 years if your new-found love interest thinks it’s the best thing since bottled beer.
Like a veritable encyclopaedia are TDG’s words. 
Mark and learn.
Standards are arbitrary. Some people like intelligence, and some don’t care.
And it bears repeating–lowering one’s standards is not a good idea. Cultivate patience, and sure you’ll wait a year or so of trying but you’ll eventually find something that’s exactly to your liking.
“Standards” in the sense of not dating people who are abusive or crazy are one thing. However, having standards that exclude people for reasons like being a poor speller or overweight can arguably be setting yourself up to fail.
One reason I advocate not being very picky about who you’re willing to go out with is that sometimes people surprise you. People can make up for flaws in one area by turning out to be amazing in another way that may not be immediately apparent.
Besides, being willing to go out on one date with someone is not that big of a commitment. Even if it turns out to not be a love connection, you can still potentially have one fun night out with someone who’s a little older than you, a poor speller, who has a few extra pounds or a few extra kids.
Even if it isn’t a good date, it’s not any less productive than if you had spent that night sitting at home dwelling on how you can’t get a date.
Just because not everyone has led some kind of textbook life does not make them substandard. I said expand your search asshole.
For example if you are searching 30-36y/o are you looking for 33 with that range or would a more mature 27-28 be fine as well as a more frivolus 40.
Do you consider dating outside your race lowering your standards?
Children make you substandard? Care to elaborate?
Being recently single, I find that children, depending on the situation, can really complicate a budding relationship. I’d be concerned about the following:
- If we got married, would I have a role in raising the child?
- Would the child ever respect me as their stepfather?
- Would there be an “us versus him” dynamic in the relationship? (Especially if it was a mother and daughter(s))
- Would I be a part of the family, or just an appendage?
- If there’s more than one or to children, finances start to become an issue.
My man concern in having a long-term relationship with a woman with children: I would have all the work of fatherhood with none of the benefits or joys. That doesn’t mean I rule out women with kids; it just depends on the situation.
This may sound selfish, but I’d be wary of dating anyone with a child that was handicapped or MR/DD.
Anyhow, I notice that in discussions of online dating, men are always being told to lower their standards, and there’s a perception that most men are looking only or thin, buxom, athletic types. Meanwhile, women who have very picky profiles “know what they want”, are credited for using picky profiles to slow down a inevitable onslaught of email, and seem to give a pass for the same kind of online behavior.
It’s my conviction, backed up somewhat with experience, that women who have the vibe of being at all pleasant or “together” are usually not interested in meeting anyone. (And I am not trying to be look-ist here, either. I find an amazing variety of women attractive.)
I don’t think I give off strong dork signals - I’m quietly intelligent, quite sophisticated (for a loner), and I cultivate my appearance well. But I do have issues with self-esteem and traditional masculinity - some very deep. And those must “out” somehow, in some nonverbal, nonphysical way, because I most often attract women who are, frankly, sad sacks - who have no appreciable personality, intelligence or style.
Well, until I get over seeing any and all rejection as a validation of my world view - and I’ve been suffering under that for decades - I’m not sure I don’t have some cause to feel “doomed.” Nobody’s to blame of course - not me, either. I didn’t wish this on myself.
Me again. (Self-seteem or no, I can be a Class A egoist when I want to be!)
I was told once that I would do better socially if I displayed a little more of the stereotypical male confidence and ambition. I don’t want that.; it sits very heavily on me. I don’t even like being *around *traditional alpha or “winner” men. My friends, and there are (a) few, are all very low-key.
Stranger On A Train, you’ve mentioned not having much in the way of free time a couple of times now and I think that could possibly be part of your problem. I know when I was doing the internet dating thing before I met my boyfriend* if I found a guy that seemed interesting but seemed like he wouldn’t be willing or able to make time for dating or a relationship I didn’t even really pursue it. If I contacted him to set up a date and the response I got was, “Well, Monday is my martial arts class and Tuesday I have poker with the guys and Wednesday I go kayaking, so how about we get together in 2 weeks when I can clear some space in my schedule?” I wouldn’t get together with him at all. I was looking to find someone I could be with, not someone who was too busy to be with me. I have stuff I do in my spare time but I made sure to have a couple evenings a week free to go out on dates. You may not have this problem at all, of course, but I thought I would point it out to you as a possible reason why women who seem otherwise interested might seem to lose interest after a few messages back and forth.
*I met him on Craigslist almost a year ago. We are madly in love and we live together now and have started talking about possible wedding plans for the future, so I highly recommend the online dating scene.
Bingo plus 2 IMO
True, but it might be a reflection of the ratio of men to women online. I think men are more likely to use the internet to find a date. IME because men are less fearful, and also because they are looking for ways to reduce the amount of rejection they face in the traditional dating world. Women are more likely to be using traditional “friends of friends” dating methods because a man who’s been vouched for is slightly less threatening than some random guy on the internet. This is probably only going to get worse with the current news story of the “Craigslist killer”.
Also IME, reading personal ads most men are ISO “healthy” or “athletic” women, and women are ISO “professional” or “home owner” men. We can blame society or individuals but it does not appear to be changing any time soon.
I agree. Anyway, everyone has a limited amount of time and attention they can give their boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. A person with 1 or more minor children – especially a woman – will have that much less attention to give to their partner.
If I were looking for a wife, children from another guy would probably be a deal-breaker for me. Minor children, anyway. If I were 70 and I were after some 60 year old, it wouldn’t bother me if she had adult children.
I basically agree. There exist some negative aspects to being married to a person with children, even if they are your own children.
I think it may also be part of how women vs. men respond to ads, too. Most women (myself included) would get replies from people who fell well outside any reasonble requests we posted - whether they were 20 years older than we wanted, or lived very far away, etc. Narrowing your profile a bit helps slow this down - you still get people e-mailing you who fell outsite the parameters you actually posted, but not as many and not as far out there, so you end up actually getting messages from people you’d want to date.
Most women, on the other hand, are more hesitant about sending messages to men if they fall even a little bit outside of what the man says he wants. If a guy said he wanted “athletic”, I’m not answering that ad unless I look like a fitness model.
My problem, as elucidated in [thread=511147]this thread[/thread], is quite the opposite; the few women who respond seem reluctant, to a point of absurdity, to meet. I do travel a lot for work and make that clear on my profiles, but insofar as my travel has allowed I have made time to meet to no avail.
On the topic of dating a woman with kids, the answer is an almost categorically no, at least with toddlers through middle teenagers. It’s not that there is anything wrong with children or women who have them, but I’m not comfortable with children and would make a poor figure, plus my own childhood experience with my mother bringing home strange men squicks me out on being on the other side of that situation. The only way I would be agreeable to such is if the woman in question kept dating and child-rearing totally compartmentalized, but I suspect most women (quite reasonably) don’t want to do that. I realize that limits my pool progressively as I get older, but it’s a non-starter for me, similar to smoking, drugs, and women who only drink pink wine.
Stranger
Yeah, if you are ruling out women with kids, that probably does have a lot to do with why you’re finding it so difficult to get dates. I wouldn’t rule out women with kids without knowing their views about what role a boyfriend would play with the kids.
Many women would agree with your view that it is not good for kids to meet a “new daddy” every weekend, and would want to hold off on introducing you to their kid anyway. If the kid’s dad is around, or even if he isn’t, they may not want you to be involved in a parental role with the kid either.