I agree that many of the comments in that thread were bothersome, some appalling.
It sounded to me like he was a kid trying to remain abstinent but, as they sometimes do, things went too far. It’s not that they intended to have sex (in which castigation for not using a condom would be appropriate), but that they were trying not to have sex, and didn’t quite succeed.
Now he’s nervous as hell about the consequences. Yes he made a bad decision, but haven’t we all.
There were some helpful resposes to what is in some ways an unanswerable question (is Schrodinger’s cat alive or dead – either, both or it’s just a probability). The best that likely can be said is pregnancy is not probable but possible, which isn’t too reassuring.
The dude made a mistake, and admitted he did. He wasn’t about to go out and repeat it. It was unnecessary to scold him about the need for birth control when he was asking about a situation when he didn’t plan to have sex and (mistakenly, by his own admission) went too far. He clearly felt scared and miserable, and didn’t need any piling on. (Particularly useless were the witty aphorisms about how the name for someone who used withdrawal is “daddy” and the like, as though everyone who improvidently had unprotected sex immediately entered parenthood. Yes sometimes a pregnancy will result, but chances are not from a single event. The kid is scared enough.)
Oh, for chrissake, what the hell does this mean? They intended not to have sex, but didn’t quite succeed? I succeed in not having sex all the time when I don’t want to, don’t you? They weren’t bombed out of their minds, or mentally challenged, right? She wasn’t naked and slipped and fell on his dick by accident, right? Give me a break. He knew that sticking his dick in her was sex. He lives in America in 2007. This is the weakest rationalization and deferment of responsibility I’ve ever heard.
But we don’t all publish our dramas on the internet and invite strangers to advise us, then continue to spout ignorance, possibly even trolling people for more.
The guy says he doesn’t even know what pre-ejaculate was, has never jerked off, etc. Completely in the dark, he is, by his own admission. It would have been irresponsible NOT to give him a little talk about birth control. You can’t have it both ways-- the kid is too ignorant to avoid having sex by accident, but hey, let’s not talk to him about condoms or abstinence… what? No. Sorry. I couldn’t disagree more.
Yeah, some of that stuff was just scoring points off him, and that was not productive for a GQ thread. But don’t give people shit for the lectures about birth control. Those, he needs, bigtime.
My 23 year old girlfriend is a virgin and plans on abstaining until marriage. We have been serious for almost a year and a half and while we mess around, she makes it clear that she plans on remaining so. I wonder how she does it. I am 30 and while I never waited for marriage, I have had a period of 9 years where I did abstain (I had sex a couple times when I was 16 and 17, and didn’t again until I was 26).
I am not religious (sort of a Deist, mostly sort of agnostic), and while my GF claims to be, she rarely attends church (when we visit either of our parents, which are), I never see her reading the bible, and never see her pray. I would say that neither of us qualify as religious nutters.
I do, however, realize that it isn’t realistic to think we can make a nation of teenagers make similar choices. You can educate a kid, you can threaten a kid, but mostly kids do what they want and damn the consequences.
edit: Also, neither of us are particularly horrid, and both me and my GF have had a lifetime of opportunities. We aren’t the ones that fall into the “lack of opportunity” barrel.
I don’t think I said that there are no teenagers on the face of the planet who don’t have sex, but if my life depended on horny teenagers not having sex, I’d settle my accounts and kiss my husband good-bye.
Let’s try this from a different tack; the consequences for trying to remain abstinent and failing are much, much worse than learning good information about sex and making proper arrangements (birth control pills and condoms) for the eventuality of having sex. The consequences for a young person in the first option can be pregnancy, fatherhood, and a chronic or fatal sexually-transmitted disease. If I had kids, I probably wouldn’t want them screwing at 17 either, but I wouldn’t want them to die because they didn’t know anything about sex and were too embarrassed to get condoms.
Has anyone in this or the other thread argued for NOT educating people about sex? Morgenstern is simply stating the unpopular and un-fun fact: that abstinence is the only 100% guaranteed birth control. Whether or not teens will practice it, they should know that other methods of birth control can and do fail, and that avoiding sex is the only real way to avoid pregnancy and disease. Expressing this is part of teaching kids the facts about reproduction and birth control. What is so controversial about that? People are cussing him and calling him names when he’s only telling the truth.
Ruby, I think people keep talking past each other in this thread. Yes, abstiinence is 100% effective, but no, kids aren’t likely to be all that abstinent. You know what? I don’t have kids, I don’t plan on having kids, and I have my own sexuality pretty much figured out at this point. I have no dog in this fight. featherlou out.
People are responding to the fact that there is a semi-snarky meme out there about abstinence being the only “sure” form of birth control, and it is usually then compared to the rather dismal “typical” success rates of other contraceptive methods. My point just is that people that don’t intend to have sex but get “swept away” and do without protection really ought to be counted under the “typical” use of abstinence statistic, in the same way that people that put the condem on half-way through or skip a pill once in a while are counted under “typical use” for those methods.
How many of them are really trying to abstain, and how many are just saying they are for social reasons? But I guess this is true for other birth control methods-- if you do half-heartedly, it’s probably going to fail at some point. So your point is well-taken, though I think people who intend to use some method of birth control but get “swept away” are NOT trying to abstain, so why would they be counted under “typical use” of abstinence?
I think people who get “swept away” are trying to abstain. As much as someone who forgets her pill 1 morning out of three is trying not to conceive. The urge to have sex can be surprisingly powerful - and I don’t know that a lot of virgins can really understand that until they are fooling around on the edge and fall off. They don’t intend to fall off, they do intend to fool around on the edge, but THEY will be safe.
I know people whose birth control method is condoms or NFP or a diaphragm who have had sex when a condom wasn’t available, they screwed up their charting or they forgot the diaphragm when they went on a trip. And they’ve had sex - dangerous sex - anyway. All birth control is bad when its not used - and that isn’t unique to abstinence.