I WAS SUGGESTING SHE TALK TO HIM BEFORE SHE GET HIM GIFTS. Am I really being this unclear? Isn’t that what I said, to tell him that she is definitely going to get him the binoculars, before Xmas or whatever holiday it is? Then he can respond and they can discuss gifts. Maybe he genuinely doesn’t want gifts, and can make it clear at that time for once and for all, but I truly think he just wants to spare her the expense. If she tells him she’s gifting him regardless, then he can respond appropriately, rather than having to live up to expectations that are unclear.
Today is our anniversary. My husband told me he doesn’t want a gift. I hate that! I’m going to give him something anyway, but probably next month. His main reason is that our anniversary falls right after we get back to normal after the holidays, which I can understand…sort of. Fact is, we can afford a lousy hunnert bucks with no financial pain at all. I refuse to allow him to rob me of the joy of giving. He’ll just have to get over it! Particularly with an anniversary gift, it’s not about him; it’s about us.
My Christmas present was a combo Christmas/Anniversary present, so I know I won’t be getting a gift, which is ok. We’ll go out to dinner Saturday. Tonight I’m ordering an anniversary pizza. WooHOO!
I think lezlers point though is that without any other kind of gift, a very cynical observation would be to question: “Maybe it’s not really about the giftee.”
My sister has a teammate who is dating a man who is 15 years older and works at a decent law firm here in town. The guy is really a nice enough guy, so bear that in mind because this post might make him look like an asshole. He loves to travel but does NOT like to travel by himself, and would naver be caught dead eating alone in a fancy restaurant.
So my sister’s teammate is the perfect “girlfriend.” She’s an aspiring actress (and she’s kinda hot) who is frequently under-employed or unemployed. When HE wants to go on a trip, he surprises her “Look, sweetie! I got us two tickets to Vegas!” She squeals in delight, and if her job won’t give her the time off, she just quits. So he gets to go to the nice restaurants, go on the trip, and get laid at the end of the day. He’s not giving her time, it’s about enjoying himself.
He treats her well enough, and he’ll help her out when disaster strikes, like covering emergency vet bill when her cat got sick. But everyone knows that she is just fun for him. Even the aspiring actress has said “Sometimes I think I’m just arm-candy.” Taking her to Vegas isn’t really a gift for her, she’s just part of the requirements for a fun trip for him.
I’m not saying this is the case for the OP, I’m just saying that lezlers’s cynical observation is not without basis. A gift for her alone, something that that is uniquely for her happiness, means a lot too. Time is great, but a token of affection that is just for you is incredibly valuable too.
This is exactly the kind of situation I was talking about, thank you.
You did suggest she talk to him first, but with a tone of informing him of what she’s planning to do. I think starting the discussion that way will put him on the defensive. And I didn’t read your post as a suggestion for how to handle things before future holidays, but as a suggestion for something she should do right now, in the context of dealing with this past Christmas season:
But it doesn’t really matter. In the end, we can hash out the details of the optimal way to handle the situation directly, but I’m getting a definite doormat vibe from nongoog. Her solution to every insensitivity of his will be to be even nicer and hope he notices, instead of just speaking up for herself. She’ll keep rationalizing and defending him until they break up, at which point she’ll look back at the relationship and be really bitter. I’d like to be wrong, but I’m guessing I’m not.
Well, she can’t tell him what HE’S planning to do. All she can do is say what she wants, and have that be a starting point of the discussion. Me, personally, I don’t think gift-giving is optional, so I wouldn’t state it as such. If you hem and haw, sound uncertain, that might signal to him that you don’t really want to give gifts, maybe because you’re broke, maybe because you’re cheap. If the OP’s BF understood that exchanging gifts was really that important to her, I bet he wouldn’t have blown it off.
Why would it? I’m not saying she should go back and revisit Xmas. It’s way too late for that. I’d do it for the next holiday, saying it in a relaxed, non-confrontational, natural way. “I want to give you a gift” is not a sentiment to make a person combative, generally, is it?
You read it wrong. Ah well.
How is she rationalizing and defending him? I think she’s rationalizing and defending her own behavior. She didn’t get him anything either-- I think coupons are so 3rd grade art class. The fact that she’s bitching about him seems backwards to me. If she didn’t want regifted chocolates, she should have had an open conversation with him in early December, probably begun with a clear statement about her feelings on the subject.
Of course I’m defending myself! It’s easy to say NOW I should have talked to him in early december, but foolish me, I was under the impression that christmas would be effortless, a breeze, and I assumed I’d get a gift because he’s been generous in many different ways to me already.
His big philosophy does happen to be that time is what matters, and that the type of men who constantly buy things for their gfs but never want to hang out and DO something are reprehensible- and I tend to agree.
That being said, it’s true he hasn’t picked out a nice gift for me and me alone in all the time we’ve been dating. My birthday present was a “go buy new work clothes and I’ll pick up the tab” which was definitely something I needed and appreciated, but hardly requiring any thought or effort on his part.
I still maintain that, if he wants to spend five nights a week with me, if I spend all day every weekend there, if we talk nonstop and watch movies and sleep cuddled up, then I’m more than simply “arm candy”. The gift thing is puzzling, though. You’d think he would have bought me something in the past year that was personal. You have all opened doubts in my mind.
You assumed you’d get a gift but you didn’t get him one. Doesn’t that strike you as messed up? You didn’t even get him a token gift. But you started a Pit thread about what a jerk he was. Take a step back and think about it. Are you really that broke? Or are you just comfortable letting him take care of all the gift-giving and you just cater in the blowjobs?
Also, I have to wonder why women expect men to be mindreaders. I don’t know how old you are, but after 20 years of dating, the one thing I’ve learned is that you have to lay this shit out explicitly, no matter how much you’d like him to “just know.” Otherwise, you’re bitching to strangers on the Internet about him while he cluelessly thinks you’re OK with chocolate.
So what’s the problem? You have his time. I guess that’s not enough.
Your expectations are very high. I think this gift was very thoughtful, practical, and hey… it takes effort to pay a credit card bill, doesn’t it?
You need to discuss this. If it doesn’t make you feel incredibly petty, that is. :rolleyes:
He told me specifically he didn’t want one, and suggested a non-monetary gift he’d like instead! That’s what I gave him! Plenty of people in this thread have said, if they asked someone not to buy them something, and they got presents, they’d be annoyed. I thought the coupons were sufficient! Plus, I thought he’d feel bad if he knew I was spending money on him when I don’t have a lot! Did you miss the posts where I said I buy him little things on the fly, and hide 50 cent candy packets around his apartment so he finds them unexpectedly? I spend a little money, and try to make things personal! Stop assuming that I’m a cheapo entitled princess, because I’m NOT.
Funny, I thought regifts, when you tell the person that it’s a regift (!), and that comprises your entire holiday present, are pretty universally acknowledged to be tacky. I was happy with him saving the chocolates for me, but I suppose I expected something pre-planned or personal, which doesn’t take mindreading to decipher.
No, I guess it’s not.
I thought it was a great gift, albeit lacking in personal effort, but I decided that didn’t matter. But now that… on top of this… and I’m left, again, with the feeling that he’s simply not personalizing anything and taking a lazy, easy way through giving me gifts.
Hey, fuck you. So it does make me feel petty. 
HE WAS BEING NICE. He wanted a gift just like you did, just like anyone would. Especially if you thought of it yourself and did it without him having to feel bad about it because he’s worried that you’re so damn broke.
Come ON. If you’re dating someone, you want them to get you an Xmas gift. Who the fuck would be annoyed by that? Yes, there are situations where I’d be annoyed if someone got me a gift. Xmas with by boyfriend, not one of those situations. You feel the same way, obviously. Let’s not play games here.
He thought chocolates would be sufficient! See how that cuts both ways!
Oh, that is the queen of all rationalizations for not getting him a gift. You don’t make your money problems his problems to the point where he’ll feel guilty that you bought him a fucking Xmas present! Think about that shit for a second. Does that seem right to you? Jeez.
You sound like one, Princess. The 50 cent candy is cute, but it’s not a fucking Xmas present. Stop making excuses for yourself. You screwed up here too. Face it so you don’t get into this situation again.
You expected it but didn’t tell him. Tell him. Wanna talk about tacky? Fucking blowjob coupons are tacky. Regifted chocolates are tacky too, no doubt about it. Should he have lied and said he bought them? And since you never made your expectations clear, he probably was worried that YOU’D feel bad if HE spent a lot of money on YOU when YOU clearly wouldn’t/couldn’t reciprocate. Right?!? So he told you it was a regift to make you feel better. And now you’re calling him tacky when clearly, his behavior in these gift situations with you is to work around your extreme poverty so you don’t feel bad. The man can’t win here. I think you’re being titanically unfair to him without much reflection on your own issues.
That there is your problem.
Obviously you don’t pay credit card bills, if you think it doesn’t take effort. Huh.
He’s a guy. Some guys are like this. Others are fantastically insightful and lavish with gifts. It’s not an indication of how much he loves you, either way, just a personality difference. If he’s not good at this gift thing, and you love him, then discuss it with him. Clear it up. But do NOT expect him to go out and buy you the thrilling gifts, when your broke ass is going to draw coupons and that’s it. Unless you’re a spoiled princess…
Wow, great comeback. Feel better now?
Well, you know, fuck it, Princess. If you’re not happy with all the sex, the shopping sprees, and the 5 days a week of hanging out, then you’re not. No amount of me telling you you’re being a lame ass and sticking up for him is going to make you feel contented. Re-evaluate this relationship, for sure. You kind of have to.
Based on the new thread, I’d say he might not have been. But your position was reasonable until that thread got posted.
New thread where what?
Yeah, he sounds like a keeper.
Sorry. I’m a doofus. I was going to link to the thread and then got distracted by a bit of shiny foil or something.
Anyway, I think this thread ends up being overshadowed by that one. The OP should probably have said something in here.
No kidding. Whenever I read a thread like this one, I always think there is more to the story than what the OP is saying. I am not surprised at all at the story in that other thread.
Where’s catsix to call pyjama pants bullshit now? This is a guest with all the answers and now another thread where the BF she’s been unfairly badmouthing turns out to be a cheating nutjob. Convenient when you’re being shown to be a cheapskate bimbo in your Pit thread.
Or not.
Whatever.
Heh. Youre not even a very good troll, nongoog. START managed to keep us all going way the hell longer than youre doing.
No one real would actually be stupid enough to continue dating the guy at this point.
Eh, I’ve seen worse. While it wouldn’t shock me if nongoog was a troll pretending to be a clueless doormat for some reason, it also wouldn’t shock me if she was just a clueless doormat. It’s pretty useless giving advice in either case.
I’ve been reading the thread, and discovering that I was wrong.
This trollin’ bitch ain’t nowhere near as good as the pyjama pants story.
There’s a file on his computer that tells her exactly what websites he visits, what he saves, where he saves it to, and when it was deleted?
Really?
OK, I read more than I post on this board but I have to ask: what’s the pyjama pants story?