I just don’t understand the issue. And I’m honestly not trying to be deliberately obtuse.
From what I can see the OP is upset because her boyfriend didn’t get her anything for Christmas, but he goes out of his way to spoil her through the rest of the year.
He has stated he doesn’t like gift-giving at Christmas - what of it? It sounds like he spends plenty of time and yes, money too, on a regular basis on Nongoog. He has told his parents that he doesn’t want gifts. I kinda would’ve thought that when someone tells you not to get them anything for Christmas, it’s pretty obvious there’s not any exchanging about to happen this Christmas.
If you’re really unhappy about this, it could well be a symptom of something much more wrong in the relationship. I think you need to ask yourself if it’s something you can move past, or are you going to continue to harbour your resentment.
Wow, not at ALL what I was saying. I think you give your best beloved gifts on Xmas. It’s not optional. You bring up what you’re giving him so that he KNOWS that you’re going to do this, because you WANT to do this, right? You want to give to your SO at Xmas, so you tell him you’re doing it. He’ll respond with “Oh, you don’t need to get me anything,” and this is where you have your conversation about how important gift-giving at Xmas is to you, how you really want to do an exchange. Unless you really DON’T want to give him a gift but get out your little pencil and draw him a coupon, which is just a lame cop-out IMO.
This guy was obviously trying to be nice by sparing the OP the expense of a gift. This does not mean that he wouldn’t love a thoughtful gift from his girlfriend, nor that she shouldn’t give him a gift. It means she should communicate to him that gift-giving is important to her despite her poverty and that she wants to go forward with it, which she clearly does as evdenced by this thread.
Bullshit. I don’t buy it. I’m sure the OP’s BF would have enjoyed a gift but wasn’t going to press out of consideration for her lack of funds. This line of thought is a rationalization after the fact for the OP dropping the ball and somehow turning it around that she did the right thing and he didn’t.
She isn’t happy with it, and I think she’d be admitting to huge selfishness if she were. I think my advised course of action is sound. It has always worked for me. I enjoy giving gifts as much as I do receiving them, and I want to be sure my SO knows my feelings on the subject so that miscommunications like the OP’s do not occur. You’ve interpreted it as passive-aggressive when what is really is is communicating your feelings in a way that doesn’t come off as “Where the fuck is my Xmas gift?!?”
OK. This Christmas is past, so I think it’s next Christmas you need to worry about. By bringing up Valentine’s Day, though, the boyfriend has given nongoog a second chance to state her preferences re: gift giving. Next time he brings up Valentine’s Day, she should say something like, “Oh, good. I love presents – both giving and getting them. To tell you the truth, I missed exchanging gifts with you this last Christmas (note that this is phrased neutrally, without assigning blame). So I’m especially looking forward to V-Day this year.”
Now the boyfriend, knowing nongoog’s financial situation may repeat his Christmas request that she not spend money on him. To this, she should reply, “No, no. Any presents I get for you are my business. I won’t spend more than I can afford.”
Then, on Valentine’s Day, she should present him with a nice gift, something thoughtful but obviously within her budget.
This will set an example that can be called upon for future gift-giving occasions. On his birthday, for instance, if he tries the ‘don’t-buy-me-anything’ jazz again, she can repeat the above line about that being her business, and repeat the assurance that she won’t strap herself. And, again, she should buy him a thoughtful gift, within her budget.
By next Christmas, a gift-exchanging policy between you ought to be set. But, if he mentions again that nongoog shouldn’t spend money on him, she should just repeat the ‘my-business’ line, and buy him whatever she wishes (and can afford) to buy him.
What’s that thing that every single marriage and relationship counsellor in the world advises every single couple in the world to do? Oh yeah - communicate. Like that ^^^
No passive-aggressive bullshit game-playing, making the guy guess what you’re trying to get at. I love and respect men, but they are not women, and they don’t get hints that another woman would see like it was lit up in neon. TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT. ONLY THEN DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET MAD WHEN HE DOESN’T GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT.
Why is telling someone you’re getting him a gift as a way of opening dialogue “passive-aggressive gaming playing”? I don’t get it. I think it’s putting your stance out there and letting him respond. It’s certainly more open-hearted and diplomatic than, “I’m angry that you didn’t get me an Xmas gift” or “What are you getting me for Xmas?” Showing him that you are into gift-giving and want to do it, regardless of your financial situation, should start with an “I” statement, like, “I can’t wait to give you that cool set of binoculars” or “I so look forward to our give exchange this Xmas.”
Thanks. I’m pretty sure featherlou was saying that too, though.
It’s not like it’s a horrible thing to do, but if I were the boyfriend, I’d prefer the OP talk to me before giving me any gifts. If she buys me an expensive gift I know she can’t afford after I didn’t get her anything for Christmas, I’m going to feel guilty and defensive. Guilty and defensive never goes anywhere good.
Another vote for this theory. The guy has the means to get himself pretty much anything he wants(aside from massages and blowjobs) and he has consistently worked with those he cares about and who care about him to establish that he doesn’t want them spending their money on him. He doesn’t need it and it would make him feel bad if they did because it means they suffered some privation(probably, almost certainly in your case) to do so. He is generous in everyday activities where no one is expected to reciprocate, and he has expressed a preference to not participate in gift exchanges where others might feel obligated to return said gifts. The thing with his ex-GF may be because of her character and the relationship they had, no reflection on you or the relationship you have with him. Maybe she’s the materialistic type who wouldn’t remain his friend if he didn’t buy her a gift, and he accepts that about her, although it is not his preference, because he wants to keep her as a friend. In general it is a bad idea to compare the relationship dynamic between him and someone else and him and you. Unless you feel you and that someone else are similar enough to deserve being so compared of course.
What I’m seeing here is a miscommunication. What message you took from this exchange versus what he meant by it. The other evidence leads me to believe he doesn’t put much stock in ritualized gift-giving, preferring to be generous in everyday activities, but making exceptions for particular invidiuals who value said rituals. It appears he thinks you’re cool with skipping the holiday gift-giving rituals when you really aren’t. I’d harken back to the wise words of John Carter of Mars back on the first page.
This seems an excellent way to handle the situation. Substitute “next year” for “on Valentine’s” as the start time. Having your plan all laid out and being at peace with it, take all the frustration you’ve been feeling over this issue and channel it into making your next time together better to make up for the apprehension and frustration of the past few weeks.
I don’t think it’s likely that he didn’t get me a gift so as not to “embarrass” me, but I suppose it’s possible.
As for me, I buy him little gifts. During Mets season, a couple months ago, I bought him a David Wright tshirt out of the blue and, last week, I hid some of his favorite candy around his apartment. He hates superficiality and is more likely to DO something nice for me, like surprising me by taping a movie for me from the TV for us to watch, or taking me to montauk, or planning a dinner out without telling me, than he is to BUY me things- he hates jewelry and watches and handbags and materialistic displays of wealth, so it’s more likely that he’ll just do something special at some point, like take me somewhere on the fly, and that he’ll consider it better than a christmas present, because it’s genuine and not only motivated by a holiday obligation.
The more I think about it, the more I conclude that I should follow the advice in the thread, to let this christmas remain in the past, to encourage him about valentine’s day, do something nice for his birthday, and not stress about what is obviously a miscommunication and very different value structures.
Speaking from experience, it genuinely bothers me when I explicitly tell people “Do not get me a gift.” and they do anyway. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.
Back when I was a recent grad, I was living in a tiny place and I was on an extremely restrained budget. I honestly truly wanted nothing for the holiday season. For two reasons: 1) My shoebox living quarters were so small, the largest present I could accommodate would have been a bar of soap. I was even using my car trunk to store my spare towels and summer clothes. 2) My own poverty meant I couldn’t reciprocate at all, even construction paper for hand-made cards would have been a stretch. It made me feel bad that people still gave me gifts, saying “I know you said not to but… And don’t worry about getting us anything. We understand you’re having a rough year.” It made me feel ashamed. And pissed off because I had no place to put them and ended up getting a friend to take it to my mom’s when he was going to visit my hometown.
If gift-giving is really honestly important for you, then you have to discuss those needs and try to find middle ground. I still have the gift a former girlfriend got me when we imposed a $10 absolute price limit for our gift exchange. Her solution to the ten dollar challenge was damn clever and actually meaningful (one of the best presents ever).
This may just be the cynic in me, but it sounds more like he only wants to spend money on things that he can participate in, rather than something only you would enjoy. Dinners out, trips away, these are all things he can enjoy, as well.
Ouch! What an uncomfortably accurate observation.
Granted a lot of people don’t like to give stuff. But it would be odd if none of the gifts were uniquiely for the OP’s benifit.
It’s actually turning out to be more like a reverse-pyjama pants girl story.
In the pyjama pants girl story, the story started out with shyness, awkwardness and miscommunication attendant with first loves and was evolving into intimations of sex and harlequin romance type stuff.
In this story, the OP started with a harlequin romance type description* and lots of sex and is devolving into issues of shyness, awkwardness and miscommunication, and looks like is headed for more of the same.
*harlequin romance description
Except for a harlequin romance, I’ve never seen or heard of anyone describing their relationship in terms of money and/or status, and that seems to be a consistent factor throughout the thread for the OP poster.
It’s an odd world we live in that a man is labeled selfish for wanting to spend time with his significant other. If I’m reading the OP correctly, her man makes a lot of money working at a job that takes a fair amount of his time. If his free time is limited, that he wants to spend it (and some cash) with her is sweet. It’s kind of funny that he’s being labeled selfish for that.
It’s relatively common around my parts, if for no other reason than that I tend to hang out with a lot of lawyers, some of whom make a lot of money and are painfully aware of the disparity between their incomes and the incomes of the people they date.
Now, that’s not at all what I said. Yes, all of the dinners and such are very sweet and generous of him. I appreciate it when my fiancee takes me out for dinners and concerts very much. However, I would think it very odd if he refused to ever buy me an actual gift and gave me some lame excuse like “sorry babe, I don’t like materialistic displays of wealth.” To me, that comes across as him condescendingly trying to impress her with his deep social awareness all the while trying to cover up the fact that he’s a selfish ass with little consideration for anyone but himself.
Then it’s likely a very good thing that you’re not dating nongoog’s boyfriend, isn’t it? Personally, I agree with the boyfriend: you don’t need to give fancy, expensive presents just to show you love someone. Sometimes the best gift is time. I understand that there are people who disagree, and who require fancy, expensive gifts to be happy. (And, incidentally, I’m not suggesting you’re one of them.) But it seemed odd to me that the boyfriend’s behavior was labeled selfish when it appeared that he actually gives his time rather than his money. Money’s easy. Time’s not. That’s all I’m saying.
