[QUOTE=MannyL]
I may be confused but I thought the OP’s story about a first date in mountak reminded me about another thread where someone was talking about dates three hours from the city and Martha’s vineyard. I can’t find anything doing a search.
Also the OP says her boyfriend is a fisherman I don’t know how many fishermen live in Manhatten unless thats not what he does for a living.
[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Rilchiam]
Does either of these fill the bill?
[/QUOTE]
Rilcham I browsed them quickly but I remember a phrase along the lines of someplace being three hours and the words new york city but I can’t find them.
Thanks for finding those two threads though
Looks like the OP begged off. I just wanted to go on the record as saying that I agree with the posters who say she shouldn’t complain about not receiving a gift when she didn’t give anything but lame coupons. Coupons don’t HAVE to be lame, but offering up something that she willingly gives up 5 times a week isn’t thoughtful or creative.
Okay I’m back! I’m sorry, I’m new to the SDMB and I didn’t realize how active it is!
I resent the immediate implication that, because I mentioned that he spends a good deal of money on me, and we have an active sex life, that this somehow implies that we are not in a “real” relationship. I know everything about him and he knows everything about me. I’ve met his family. I come crying to him with my unemployment woes. He’s the one I would call if I ever got into major trouble.
I am also annoyed at the number of people who are holding it against me that, when someone says, “don’t buy me a gift, I want gift coupons”, and I give them gift coupons, I’m somehow derelict in my gift-giving duties. He’s a guy who says what he means- there’s no passive aggression going on here. He told me repeatedly and seriously, don’t buy me a gift, if you want to give me a gift, give me a blowjob or a massage. That’s why I made the coupons!
If someone says, don’t buy me something, I’m not going to buy them something! I couldn’t stand a relationship where what someone says is not what they mean.
Seriously, folks, I feel like everyone just assumed the worst from the situation. We have a normal relationship. All of a sudden, he doesn’t give me a christmas gift. I’m shocked and confused. (My birthday came when we were broken up for a month because of a big argument so, a couple months later, when I got a new temp job, he told me to buy some new work clothes for my birthday on his tab. I thought that was thoughtful!)
I’m feeling iffy about bringing it up because, as one previous poster mentioned, he does literally spend a lot of money on me on a weekly basis, which is given gracefully and naturally by him, but also which makes me feel slightly guilty, which is why I feel weird saying, “you buy me expensive dinners more often than not and that’s not enough for me.” Aaaaah.
But I do need to swallow my pride and talk to him about it. Dating someone who makes a ton more money than you is hard and this situation is very uncomfortable for me.
Oh, but the latest bit is that he was hinting, this weekend, that he was going to take me out somewhere “special” for valentine’s day. I didn’t have the guts to bring up christmas after that…but I sure was thinking, “why is valentine’s day special and christmas isn’t??” I waffle on the issue of discussing it. Perhaps I just need to forget about it and move on.
FTR, I think you do have a relationship, but I don’t blame you for being hurt and confused by not receiving anything for Christmas.
Keep in mind that I’m not a woman who gets crushed by the absence of flowers and notes and Valentines/Sweetest Day gifts, etc. I’m pretty damn secure in my relationship and with who I am. I don’t need constant validation to feel loved and appreciated.
That being said, there is one day of the year where I actually expect something, even if it’s a card written from the heart (which is what I got this year, along with a scarf and gloves). My BIL didn’t get anything for my SIL this year and the whole room GASPED when she told us. It was like a public smack in the face.
What did your BF say when you presented him with the coupons? Did he offer any explanation? At any time did you tell him to not get you anything?
If not, then he has some explaining to do, esp. since he got his ex-girlfriend a thoughtful gift which means he “gets” the gift giving thing. I don’t know, nongoog, but after a year of complimentary blow jobs and massages, he owes you an explanation.
[QUOTE=nongoog]
Perhaps I just need to forget about it and move on.
[/QUOTE]
To be honest, I think this is your best course of action, and that maybe you’re overanalysing the situation. Plus you’ve already spent a month worrying about it, which is a long time to be turning this over in your head.
If it’s something that’s a dealbreaker with you, mention it to him now, otherwise just move on.
My 2c only. 
[QUOTE=MGibson]
When does the new boyfriend smell go away? It’s kind of weird that you’ve been steady for nearly a year and he’s still “new”.
Marc
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, you’d think the constant reciprocal oral sex would get rid of that in a hurry.
Mmmm…old boyfriend smell…
Once again, talk to the dude. It bugged you enough to come here and start a pit thread about it. The armchair psychologist in me says that you have a couple of issues with this guy, and money is one of them (don’t they say that the thing couples fight about most is money?) - he has more than you, and the way he spends it on you makes you uncomfortable. Frankly, your description of your relationship and how he treats you economically is making ME uncomfortable. You need to hash this out with the guy.
[QUOTE=nongoog]
If someone says, don’t buy me something, I’m not going to buy them something!
[/QUOTE]
I thought you WERE going to buy him something - but only if he bought YOU something.
Seven, go to hell. I already explained that I was plotting to buy him something and give it to him later, as more of an “I saw this and thought you’d like it” than “merry christmas here’s your present!” and get around his anti-gift policy (he also tells his parents and relatives not to buy him anything for christmas, but I’ve given him gifts for no holidays and he’s seemed fine with it…)
I assumed he was uncomfortable with people feeling obligated to spend money on him for a holiday… and specifically someone like me, who is not well off in the first place. Fine, thought I, I will wait and get him a gift when it’s no longer christmas, and give him the coupons for now!
And then, when he gave me nothing, I got confused and angry and abandoned my plans.
I think I’d mention it - just in case he sent you something which you never got and is wondering how you could be so ungracaious as to not mention it.
“Honey, this is kind of awkward, but did you give me a Christmas gift? No. O.K. I had thought you were going to get me something, and nothing was ever delivered, so I was hoping it didn’t go astray.”
[QUOTE=nongoog]
Seven, go to hell. I already explained that I was plotting to buy him something and give it to him later, as more of an “I saw this and thought you’d like it” than “merry christmas here’s your present!” and get around his anti-gift policy (he also tells his parents and relatives not to buy him anything for christmas, but I’ve given him gifts for no holidays and he’s seemed fine with it…)
I assumed he was uncomfortable with people feeling obligated to spend money on him for a holiday… and specifically someone like me, who is not well off in the first place. Fine, thought I, I will wait and get him a gift when it’s no longer christmas, and give him the coupons for now!
And then, when he gave me nothing, I got confused and angry and abandoned my plans.
[/QUOTE]
The best case scenario is that he GAVE YOU NOTHING because he didn’t want to embarrass you after having established that he was EXPECTING NOTHING from you. Do you think this is even a possibility? Ignore the coupons for a moment – it’s nice that you gave him coupons but it’s also nice he pays your cabfare and shared his chocolates, so he could see all these things as “small gestures” as opposed to actual gifts.
Do his parents give him gifts (despite his protests) and he gives them nothing? I would pit him more if he did that.
[QUOTE=nongoog]
Seven, go to hell. I already explained that I was plotting to buy him something and give it to him later, as more of an “I saw this and thought you’d like it” than “merry christmas here’s your present!” and get around his anti-gift policy (he also tells his parents and relatives not to buy him anything for christmas, but I’ve given him gifts for no holidays and he’s seemed fine with it…)
I assumed he was uncomfortable with people feeling obligated to spend money on him for a holiday… and specifically someone like me, who is not well off in the first place. Fine, thought I, I will wait and get him a gift when it’s no longer christmas, and give him the coupons for now!
And then, when he gave me nothing, I got confused and angry and abandoned my plans.
[/QUOTE]
Then it turns out he had a perfectly good reason for not getting you a Christmas present, and it was the right choice for him to make. That’s good. I think we’re all set here.
[QUOTE=nongoog]
Oh, but the latest bit is that he was hinting, this weekend, that he was going to take me out somewhere “special” for valentine’s day. I didn’t have the guts to bring up christmas after that…but I sure was thinking, “why is valentine’s day special and christmas isn’t??” I waffle on the issue of discussing it. Perhaps I just need to forget about it and move on.
[/QUOTE]
I hope you smiled and waxed enthusiastic about the Valentine’s Day idea. Maybe you just need to clear up your signals a little.
[QUOTE=nongoog]
Seven, go to hell. I already explained that I was plotting to buy him something and give it to him later, as more of an “I saw this and thought you’d like it” than “merry christmas here’s your present!” and get around his anti-gift policy (he also tells his parents and relatives not to buy him anything for christmas, but I’ve given him gifts for no holidays and he’s seemed fine with it…)
I assumed he was uncomfortable with people feeling obligated to spend money on him for a holiday… and specifically someone like me, who is not well off in the first place. Fine, thought I, I will wait and get him a gift when it’s no longer christmas, and give him the coupons for now!
And then, when he gave me nothing, I got confused and angry and abandoned my plans.
[/QUOTE]
Call it what you will, but that sounds like a Christmas cover gift. If he ended up buying you a gift then you would return with a gift of your own - even if it would arrive some days late.
No gift for you came and you canceled your plans to get him a real gift as well.
You gave him coupons for blowjobs (which he already gets “in spades”) and you got a box of chocolates (which I assume you enjoyed). You both spent about the same amount of time thinking of each other for Christmas gifts, I don’'t understand what the problem is.
[QUOTE=bluethree]
Does he have an older brother?
Believe me, I am just kidding.
When I was young and non-assertive I had a boyfriend who broke up with me right before every gift-giving holiday. Smooth technique, no?
[/QUOTE]
I had one of those, too. Took me awhile to figure out the pattern.
[QUOTE=nongoog]
Dating someone who makes a ton more money than you is hard and this situation is very uncomfortable for me.
[/QUOTE]
This has nothing to do with money. Your OP clearly states that you weren’t expecting anything particularly expensive (although having items on your list like dinner, flowers or a heart drawn on a piece of paper is passive aggressive crap if ever I’ve seen it – those are shitty Christmas presents, I don’t care how poor you are.)
Go say the following sentence to your boyfriend: “I’m disappointed that you didn’t get me anything for Christmas.” Listen to whatever explanation he has, and then tell him that in the future you’d prefer he get you something, even if it’s something small. None of the rest of this matters.
How do people not discuss these things? We have extensive coversations about what we’re doing for Xmas, for birthdays, for Valentine’s Day. Sure, we surprise each other a little, and I ask his best friend for advice so I can get him things he really wants. I can’t imagine a holiday going by without gifts. It’s part of the way things are.
Have you considered that from now on, you should get him a gift anyway? Do you think that getting someone an Xmas or birthday gift would ever truly be unwelcome, and that maybe he was just trying to minimize the financial impact on you during the holidays? Here’s what I’d do: I’d say, “I’m getting you those binoculars so that when we go to Montauk next summer, you can see the blah blah blah…” See what he says. Then get them for him regardless.
[QUOTE=Rubystreak]
Here’s what I’d do: I’d say, “I’m getting you those binoculars so that when we go to Montauk next summer, you can see the blah blah blah…” See what he says. Then get them for him regardless.
[/QUOTE]
I disagree with this. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t really want/need her to give him stuff, so buying him an expensive gift in order to communicate that she’d like him to give her Christmas gifts is needlessly indirect and passive aggressive.
And besides, he may really prefer not to get gifts, in which case maybe they’ll decide that he’ll buy her presents and she won’t buy him anything. As long as they’re both happy with whatever arrangement they come up with, it doesn’t have to be symmetric.