I pit my parents.

The BBQ Pit
81

Fine if its realistic. Don’t do what I’ve seen so many people do “I can’t get accepted to med school, so I might as well not finish my bachelors.” “I can’t get into the PT program, so I’m just going to drop out.” That isn’t having BC screw you over, that’s screwing yourself.

At 23, take a good look at your motivations. There is a point at which finishing your degree from the University of Florida is better than waiting on Boston College to decide you can stay. Yes, your friends are in Boston - I suspect your friends have been part of your drinking problem - since you seem to believe this is normal behavior. You might be best off starting fresh.

(Says someone who is two semesters from finishing her degree from the stupidest school in the state at 40, because I screwed myself over at 21 with an ill thought out marriage and job.)

82

Just skimmed the thread, but some thoughts on the whole story-

Your parents were overprotective (or simply FELT overprotective) so the instant you were away from them you went overboard, and tried to live it up. When that didn’t pan out (alcoholism) you felt even worse than before, because now you are stuck back with them, and I’m sure its 20x worse.

As a fellow high-strung guy in his early 20s who, at one point, made (many) pit threads like this one, my suggestion is to not limit yourself at what you don’t think you can do. I had similar feelings you did- I didn’t get a driver’s license until 20, didn’t lose my virginity till I was 23, and was somewhat convinced that things simply didn’t pan out for me. Then I had an epiphany, but it wasn’t a cheesy holywood-esque staring-into-a-burning-bush affair, instead I just gradually made it a point to test what I could possibly do, and try more often.

Sure I failed like crazy- several jobs I wanted I didn’t get, was medically disqualified from the Coast Guard because I took antidepressants 10 years ago, didn’t get into the teacher credential program at my college because I missed the gpa cutoff by like 0.02 points, etc. But rather than let that convince myself I couldn’t make it in life, I took it as a sign that I was actually trying, and kept trying. I did manage to move out of my mom’s house, and while things are tough for me financially I never look back in terms of my decision.

A couple things that I think would help you:

-Quit drinking alltogether (assuming you haven’t already). See how much different you are in a year with zero alcohol; while I don’t know if you really are an alcoholic, I’m sure the alcohol isn’t helping your situation.

-Try to spend more of your free time interacting with real people. Try to find people you can confide in that aren’t over the internet.

-Spend less time on the computer. Go outside. Be active.

-Every single time someone says something to you that challenges your decisions, every time you are about to say “But I CANT because…” stfu and ask yourself if it really is a ‘cant’ or is it simply a ‘wont’. I had a lot of ‘cants’ in my past that were simply a product of laziness/fear of trying something new.

-There are not nearly as many invisible bogeymen outside your comfort zone as you may think there are. Trying a job that you’ve never done, living somewhere far away, etc are much scarier in theory than in practice. Try to make it a point to step outside your comfort zone (in small ways at first, maybe) to see this.

83

Visit some construction sites and ask. Network with people you know-- maybe even your mom or dad might be able to hook you up. Maybe some other relatives can give you an in. Just talk to people, and things will start happening sooner or later.

Wow, that’s huge. If you read and write Japanese as well, you should be able to take that to the freakin’ bank, baby! Put up a sign at the local college that you’re available for tutoring. Look in the newspaper, and talk to people. Maybe you can get a job as a translator. If people are reluctant to hire you with little experience, propose that you do the job real cheaply for “x” number of weeks or months until you prove yourself to them.

But be creative! Don’t think: “I can’t do this”. Instead think: “I am going to do this.” Everytime you try something and fail, you will have learned something. But just keep trying.

Don’t worry about that. If you’re starting to groove in your job, accept that and keep trying to get something better. With at least some money coming in, you can take some risks and not have to worry too much about failure. In fact, don’t worry at all about failure! The only real failure is not trying-- everything else is a learning experience.

84

I haven’t seen anything affecting you in this thread yet that isn’t fixable, autolycus, including the depression and anxiety disorders. I’m a volunteer facilitator with an anxiety disorder self-help/support group, and the funny thing about men with anxiety disorders is that they frequently self-medicate with alcohol. You probably aren’t interested in what I have to say about recovering from your depression/anxiety right now, but tuck this away in the back of your head for the future when you’re ready - you can recover from anxiety and depression, when you’re ready to do the work.

You need to get a proper job and start living your life. I’m sorry that your parents aren’t wonderful, but that makes you, what’s that word again? Oh yeah - normal. Have you noticed that most adults don’t live with their parents? Have you ever wondered why? It’s partly because murder is a crime. My mom is a wonderful, wonderful person, and I love her dearly - she lived with me for four months last year, and it was the longest four months of my life. She kept putting the dishcloth in the wrong place, you know?

85

If I had a child who lived with me and came home 4 times in a summer so drunk he woke me up and had incoherent conversations with me, and then could not remember them, and was drunk enough to puke ( even if you made it to the toilet…good for you!) I would be very concerned about him as well. If you are trying to convince your parents, your Dr., and your college you are not an alcoholic you are not doing a very good job. I drank in college too and did that whole scene. After a few times of drinking too much, and one time of not remembering everything the next day, it scared me enough to know what my limits were. It sounds like you need to set your limits much lower, and that you drink primarily to get drunk (and very drunk). You do not want to go off your medication, yet you put your life and health at risk when you drink, and also make the medication useless since you are trying to control your depression with it. You might as well go off it if you just want to drink. (I am NOT suggesting you stop taking your medication. I just want you to think about why you take it and whether you are accomplishing that goal when you drink.)

I know kids drink when they go off to college, but you are old enough to be pushing the “I’m just a college kid drinking” excuse. Many people your age are already graduated and working full time. If you know what kind of job you want, go out there and find someone who does it and ask how they got it, then take steps to make it happen.

I understand the need to rant, I couldn’t live with my parents during my summers off from college without going crazy, and they are great people. After I turned 19 I didn’t come home for the summer anymore, and we got along much better. I don’t think anyone here is saying you should be thrilled to be living with your parents, but that you could be taking steps to make your life a lot better for yourself.

86

I hope things work out for you. I think that there is a good chance that while Mumsy fixes things like Tuna Helper–she won’t let anyone else in the kitchen. If I am right, she is the type who cling to their martyrdom, no matter what. It’s all part of that “I sacrificied myself for you…don’t worry about me…go off and have your fun.” type guilt. Very corrosive, very stifling.

Sock away as much money as you can–and when you are out of this hole, vow to yourself that you will never ever do anything that might make this situation seem like a solution again. Good luck.

87

What the heck is the age of a “college kid” these days anyway? I finished the requirements for my BA just a few months after turning 21. I always considered those in their mid-twenties who were in college to be the “life-experienced student who began (or restarted) college after gaining real world training”.

Maybe not so much?

88

I am aware of you posting this a couple of days ago but I really had to comment as I am in the middle of the exact opposite situation. I love my son. I paid for private school, music lessons, supported his talents and his friends and tried to be the best mother I could be. Now that he is over 18 and in college, I want him to get the hell out of my house and live his own life. It isn’t that I don’t care what he does but I really think I gave him the tools to make his own decisions and would be happy to help if he honestly made an effort to solve his own problems, but he doesn’t. Every little thing from his girlfriend problems to his work issues land in my lap and when I tell him he should find his own solution, I am told I don’t care about him. sigh. That being said, I would never consider “ratting” him out to an authority figure such as a dean. I do feel your parents were wrong in that. Their concern is commendable but it is a private issue between you and them. Or it should have been.

On the other hand I would also say, in defense of you parents, if you don’t like tuna helper, make your own friggin dinner. I haven’t cooked for my son since he graduated high school because he once complained. As far as I was concerned, that got me completely off the hook. He has actually become a very good cook and I take full credit for that. :slight_smile:

89

Hey everyone,
I truly have no desire to make this thread into a journal or blog, but, seeing as many people have expressed concern for my wellbeing, I feel the need to post this update. Those looking for a humorous rant may likely be dissapointed.

First, I must say that I consider myself very lucky so far during my time in the Pit. For this thread in particular, I am extremely grateful to all the kind people that have posited sound advice for my well-being. There have been some pot-shotters along the way, but the myriad replies of those who desire to help somebody in my situation have truly made me happy to have made the plunge to start posting a week back or so.

As per my drinking, here is what I have decided. I’ve decided a few things really. One, I will no longer get shitfaced assblasted pan-galactic gargleboozer smashed. That by itself will be a good first step. Second, when I do drink, I will think about ‘why’ I am drinking and if there is anything bothering me that I should focus on instead. Third, I will consult my psychiatrist to make sure that my SSRI usage isn’t dangerous. I’m not dead so-far but better safe than sorry.

As for my parents, I probably made my situation sound a lot worse than it really is, and for that I apologize. Usually life with my parents is very pleasant, and I am grateful for them letting me stay with them and earn money without worrying about expenses for room and board. I believe what I said about their passive-aggressiveness and other numerous emotional problems to be true, but that has not prevented us all from having a positive family environment. I am still upset with them about going behind my back to the dean, but that’s all in the past now.

My life here in Orlando is also going quite well. I have a shitty job now as some of you know, but I am switching to a new one soon called “The Citrus Club.” It’s a member’s only fine-dining establishment at the top of an Orlando skyscraper. Pays 10/hr and tips, and I get free gym membership, plus discounts on their spa. Ironically enough, the only reason I will have this job is because I met the hiring manager at a bar. We got to talking and he said he thinks I’m freaking hilarous and he would hire me just for that.

With the money I’m saving working, I am planning on possibly going to Japan for my third time and meeting a girl who I am falling more in love with every day. Love is probably too strong a word, but we definitely have a great budding relationship going on. We are both fluent in each other’s languages and everyday we bring each other happy-fun-time-explosions. Just kidding about the last part. Well, in any case there’s that.

I am seeing my doctor and working on getting clearance to return to Boston College in the Fall. Today or tomorrow I am going to attend an AA meeting just to see what it’s like. I am very hesitant about actually joining AA, but I figure attending a meeting or two cant do any harm.

In conclusion, thanks to everyone for putting up with me, and I pray we may all get along amicably and happily for as long as The Dope may last.
Sincerely,
Autolycus

90

And don’t forget to make your parents dinner! :slight_smile:

I’ve been reading this thread with interest and I think the decisions you’ve come to sound very wise. Going to AA is an excellent step and shows a committment to making change.

Good luck in your new job and hope to hear you’ll be back at school soon!

91

::: clap, clap, clap ::: Thanks for writing that.

Now I can enjoy your stuff without the guilty feeling that my pleasure at reading your stuff is at your expense. It sounds like your life is headed in the right direction.

Good luck and best wishes in continuing to move in the right direction.

btw, I’ve been to an AA meeting despite never having had a drink before. Besides getting stuck in a tiny space by myself with a heroin addict (which had me a little apprehensive), it wasn’t that bad. You’ll be fine.

92

For the record, I actually love the taste of Tuna Helper :eek:

93

Maybe we should get a mod to close this thread before it turns into a love-fest. :wink:

Autolycus: Good news on the job. You’ll probably double your income and maybe make some good contacts and/or friends in the process. There’s a lot of truth to the saying “it’s not what you know but who you know”. At least when you’re just getting started, anyway.

94

You go, boy!

95

Thank you. I have several dangerous alcoholics in my family. My husband had issues with drinking, went through treatment to stop it from becoming a huge problem, and developed a reasonable relationship with beer and only drinks infrequently*. Nothing scares me more than watching someone go down the path to addiction and treatment.

Dopers only want what’s best for you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking our responses seriously.

*not at all currently due to the meds he’s on.

96

Other people seem to have covered the drinking, depression and collegiate aspects of your problems pretty well, so I’ll just put in my $.02 about dealing with difficult parents.

My suggestion, which may well be unpopular, is to quit talking to your parents. Not in the sense of giving them the silent treatment or anything, but in the sense that you are an adult now and they do not need to know your every thought. Having talks about living situations is one thing, but it sounds like a lot of the general stuff that drives you crazy has to do with them being of the opinion that you SHOULD think one thing, and you actually thinking another. You butt heads, and it makes life unpleasant for all of you. Your headspace belongs to you and the less they know what’s in it the less they can argue with you.

However – and this is really, really vital – you must talk to someone. Get a counselor. If your parents are really that worried, and you’re really that broke, they may even help pay for one. The counselor can help you with the depression, and the drinking, and provide support that, for whatever reason, your parents can’t give you. Be completely honest with this counselor and take all the help you can get.

If this sounds like exactly the wrong thing to do, please disregard. I do have experience dealing with parents whose chronological and mental/emotional ages are mismatched, though, and I’ve found that asking my froot loop parents to help only makes me worse. You can get out of this, but you might need a different kind of help than your folks can offer.

97

I think that when you’re drinking is actually a really bad time to be trying to think about why you’re drinking. People seem to be congratulating you for decided you won’t get completely smashed, which certainly is a step in the right direction. But as a moderate social drinker, when I read about the serious problems alcohol has caused / is causing in your life, I wonder why you are drinking at all. And I think that it’s when you’re sober that you should make an honest and searching inventory of what alcohol brings to your life that is positive, as opposed to what alcohol brings to your life that is damaging. Because, for me (and of course not presuming to speak for you), “it’s fun” would not be reason enough to keep doing it after it had completely fucked up my dream college education, convinced my parents that I’m an alcoholic, and was interfering with the effectiveness of my mental health treatment. So IMO the question isn’t “what should I be focusing on instead?” but “Why am I doing this at all? Why don’t I just stop?”

And it’s not your SSRI usage that’s dangerious, it’s combining your SSRI usage with serious alcohol intake. Discussing the matter with your psychiatrist would require you to frankly and honestly disclose the frequency and quantities you are actually drinking. If you’re not willing to do that, then don’t kid yourself that you’ll have “discussed” the matter, because you won’t have.

I don’t know if you’re an alcoholic or not. Not every person who allows themselves to binge-drink to the point that it becomes a negative force in their lives is necessarily an alcohol addict. My brother was in your same situation at your same age, arguing about whether his behavior constituted alcoholism or not, until he realized that it didn’t matter: Regardless of whether he was technically addicted or just using drinking as an escape and a massive social crutch, his behavior had to change. He’s a social drinker now (10 years later), but for years he drank very little because he believed his drinking habits – how and when and how much he drank – were keeping him from accomplishing his goals.

Maybe that describes you; maybe not. But the time make the analysis that might lead to that conclusion isn’t when you have a cold one in your hand.

98

Not only that, but aren’t you expecting to resume college in Boston in the next semester or two? That could also make it difficult to find a decent job.