I pit my parents.

The BBQ Pit
1

Hey everyone,
I love my parents; I really do, so please dont think I’m evil. Well, I am evil so please dont think I’m like Hitler or anything. Besides, we all know Dob is Hitler, or at least Doggy Hitler.

Geez Louise, I dont know if I can do this. How the fuck do you pit your own parents? It’s not like they’ve raped me, they are pretty normal parents. Lately though I am just sick with their behavior.

They are children. They should be wearing diapers, they are so immature. I’m 23 and I’m pretty immature too, but they make that old guy in “Oh God!” look like that girl who always does the tap-dancing. I’m bad with names, fuck you.

I suppose I should describe what exactly makes them childish, because, if i dont, somebody is going to ask, and then if I dont reply I’m really going to feel like an ass. I’m a jerk but not an asshole. I dont get fucked by dicks, but I do fuck assholes. Wait, no I dont. I forget how that joke went. Whatever.

I will prelude this by explaining the reason I’m living at home in Florida instead of going to school in Boston. It’s a real humdinger of a story. Last summer I drank too much in our shared condo, and apparently this really scared the crap out of them. Do they sit down and talk to me like rational adults? Noooooooo… that would too ADULT for them. Fucking idiots. No, what they do instead is call the Dean of Students and inform her that I am an alcoholic. The dean places me on medical leave and thus ensures my fate for one semester. I am still here in Florida rotting my life away because the shitty-ass analbead fucknugget doctor I see her wrote a wishy-washy recommendation and the Dean said “I need more time” Fuck you liberal cuntrag. You verminiferous assblaster. Oh, yeah, and you can fuck yourself too Doctor Do-nothing. I’m not an alcholic ok? I drink a lot but you know it’s called “College” you penis wrinkle. I know you used to be a priest. Some kids are alcoholics, and some priests are alcoholics, but I like to give you the benefit of a doubt, you dingleberry douche. Anyway, that’s why I am currently living with my parents.

Of course, ‘living’ is a very bad word to use when describing the time I spend with my parents. It’s more like ‘suffering,’ or ‘spending time and hating it.’ My parents kill kittens. Haha just kidding. I bet it got your attention though.

Oh, I’m just getting warmed up though. Let’s talk about how overprotective they are. I could not watch Terminator 2 until I was 18. I was never given a “birds and bees talk” I did not pass go, and I did not collect 200. I was treated like an Elven Prince, and nothing impure did pass my cerebrum. Oh, wait, except the arguments, the yelling, the throwing of my dog, and the constant cloud of hatred and negativity that surrounded my childhool. Yeah, that’s sooooo logical. Movies and Music and Girls are bad, but foisting your bullshit problems onto me so often that I develop nervous tics and mood disorders is just FUCKING HUNKY DORY. God, I dont want you to die, but… ah I cant finish that sentence. I may be angry, but there are some things I just refuse to say about my own family. I am pissed off though, and I swear I will get my vengeance.

Yeah, and that’s another thing I’m peeved about. I admit you are trying and you see a therapist to discuss your irrational self-loathing and other myriad dysfunctionalities, but yet you still manage to expose me to them on a daily basis. Listen, I want you to be happy and be a good son, but I’m not your god-damn therapist. The number of times I have played the middle man in this three person trio of woe approaches infinity. My function is pain. I can not divide my feelings by zero, nor do I ever want to. How in blue blazes can you sleep at night, knowing what your arguing and nagging is doing to your only child and son. When the therapist asked me why I always shook my head, I didnt say the real reason. I told him because I was picked on at school. Well, the real reason is because you two inconsiderate asshole incompetent nincompoops displayed daily so much immature, mean-spirited, bickering, that my body developed a way of compensating. I have no fucking clue how shaking my head was supposed to feel any better, but then I dont understand how many licks it takes to get to the center a tootsy roll pop, so what the fuck do I know.

Yeah, and thanks for the fucking awful DNA too. If DNA was a flavor, ours would be brussel sprouts. I’m a certified clinically depressive-anxious person. Because life is easy enough being relatively normal, I have to take medication and constantly worry about when my next crash is going to be. You two have very similar problems, so dont think I dont know where it fucking came from. I never signed for this UPS package from hell. I am grateful for being born, but I never asked to be a basket case. So thank you so much, you piss-poor pitiful parental pissants.

I already mentioned several times how I am angry at being forcibly exposed to such drama and tension and all-around good times, so please allow me to delve into a character analysis of my mom and dad. I have no siblings, which I guess is a good thing because I think my parents used all the points on their character sheet just creating me. If you want to be technical and Catholic, then I have two siblings. They were never born, but I believe they watch out for me. Is that uncomfortable witnessing to you, well too bad. This is my post and nobody is forcing you to read it. Prick.

Oh, and another thing, I’m not an alcoholic. Stop accusing me every day. When I sit down for dinner, I want to enjoy my shitty-ass tuna helper and peas, not listen to you interrogate me about my drinkin habits. Yeah, and it wouldnt kill you to maybe cook something good every once in a while. I know Tuna Helper is amazing, but still. Anyway, back to the alcohol, my doctor may be a complete asswipe, but even in his intellecutal ineptitude he agrees with me. Yes sometimes I drink too much, but there’s a major difference between beign young and foolish and being an alcoholic. Maybe if you actually listenened to what I say instead of being complete lobster-shelled parental cyborgs, you would understand. Fuck, I’m drinking while I type this and I believe I’m doing pretty damn well, if I dont say so myself.

Ok, so let’s do a little character analysis of my parents. Because I can think of nothing more I would enjoy doing, except maybe sticking a pear inside my urethra while singing La CucaRacha naked in a crowded elevator.

My dad is the strong silent type. He is funny, fat, and looks like Santa. He is actually a great person, as are both my parents. His major flaw is that he bottles everything up. He’s a very typical Manly Man. Maybe. You know, to tell the truth, I’m not very angry at my dad. He’s a cool dude.

Now, my mom on the other hand. Hoooly shit, does she piss me off. You could say I have an anti-Oedipus complex. I dont want to marry my dad, but I would most certainly enjoy… hugging… my mother. She has a good side, but shit it’s no fun talking about that. Per her bad side, she nags, she’s overprotective, she’s passive-aggressive, she’s annoying, she she…she…she…she…she…does not compute… FUCK you mom. There, I said it. Fuck you long, and fuck you hard, just not by me. I guess dad is ok.

She was verbally abused and all around fucked up by her mother, and now she treats everyone like she is talking to her mother. She yells and screams and villifies everyone, when actually she is just trying to lash out against her dead mother. It’s really screwed up. We tell her this, and she knows this, but it doesnt change a damn thing. And so on and so forth. She’s miserable all the time, because she hates living in FLorida, but honestly she is miserable everywhere she goes. She is incapable of being happy.

My parents are ingrateful. Ingrateful bastards. They are never happy with what they have. I dont know how to make a joke about it, because their behavior is most unfunny. Clowns would cry if they knew my family. Every time my mother bitches, God kills a kitten.

Shit, I want to kill a kitten right now, I’m so angry. JUST KIDDING. I only kill raw fish. Oh geez, now I’m thinking of that again. KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!

Breathe. Breathe John. Ok i’m better.

All good things must come to an end, so I’m going to stop now. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, which is not very much.

Cheers,
John

2

Tell your mother that god kills a kitten every time she bitches, then pull a kitten out of your pocket and say that you’re god.

3

Peering into my crystal ball, I see this not turning out well for you.
Have you considered getting a blog? Or perhaps a paper diary…

4

Yup–thought the same thing.

Note–I am not agreeing or disagreeing with you about your parents—for all I know they are all that you say they are. There are lots of bad parents out there.

But looking at a lot of your posts—you are drunk or drinking in all of them. From the little you have posted–it seems you drink too much. You seem like a nice kid–and I have enjoyed your posts, but you do seem to drink a lot from what I have seen.

5

I was thinking the same thing too, but this seems like more of an open ranting rather than him being an unjustified idiot. If it were me I would have taken out the direct vitriol and made this a good ol’ MPSIMS. At least this one would have some content rather than some of Auto’s previous threads.

So your parent’s literally threw your dog? :eek:

I’m still scarred by the time my girlfriend flushed my fish down the toilet because we were fighting, but I still think the image of an airborne pup is laughable.

6

So, why don’t you get a job and move out? You have no other options, at your age, than to live with your parents? I didn’t got along well with my parents, and never lived at their house after age 17. It wasn’t a little rough, financially, at first, but man was I happy to be gone, gone, gone. Never looked back, either.

7

The problem is I post very randomly and strangely when I’m sober also, so it’s not a huge change between my normal posting and my drunk posting. Sometimes I also enjoy pretending to post a little ‘unhinged,’ for better or for worse.

If this turns into a pile-on because I unfairly hate my parents, then so be it. People have a right to their own opinion.

In any case, thank you for your concern.

8

You mean like in this thread: It’s Saturday Night, I’m drunk, and I’m tired or this one where he chugs a drink How should I feel, rude or grateful? - a bar story? And those were just a couple examples that floated to the top of my head.

9

I dont have the money to afford moving out. Also, I usually get along well with my parents. I posted this just to vent… Isn’t that what the pit is for? I thought maybe some people would identify with having parents who have emotional problems.

I know I’m a newb at posting still and I’ve made some retarded threads lately, but cut me some slack :frowning:

10

I do drink often, and I enjoy talking about my experiences during such times. Maybe that bothers people around here, and I’ll gladly stop. I dont want to ruffle any feathers.

11

Nope, that wasn’t my point at all. I enjoy your posts.

And your drinking is not my issue to deal with, although perhaps if I knew you personally, I’d be concerned for you based on what you write here. My only point is that if you’re mad because your parents say that you’re an alcoholic, I’m not sure you have a strong case to say you’re not, based on the amount of posts that you post here saying you’re drunk or have been drinking. If you’d like to convince your parents or anyone else that they don’t have a case to say you’re an alcoholic, the better course of action would be to stop drinking.

12

Ah, point taken. You are indeed correct. I guess my problem is that I enjoy drinking, and sometimes I drink to excess. Whether that’s alcoholism or not is a long and debatable issue.

Well, I dont want this thread to be about my drinking, so if you want to discuss this further, then we can talk by PM.

Also, sorry about being snarky with you in the ATMB thread. I got a little overly defensive.

13

I think the technical term for what you are experiencing is “meltdown”. They are not always entertaining to watch- sometimes they’re painful to watch and I’ve a feeling yours might be. You seem like a decent enough fellow, I don’t know. I think the time may have come to take some inventory and really look at what is going on in your life.
But posts like this in another thread

only make you look bad. Sorry for what you’re going through, but melting down on a message board won’t help. But your parents might, if you can talk to them.

14

It was my dad, and it was more of an underhand lob then a throw. The dog was terrified but unharmed. It was terrifying at the time, but we all laugh about it now, even the dog (we assume).

15

Hopefully it won’t be a pile-on. You already stated you don’t hate them, but I do think it sounds like you need to talk with them.

One other item-- I like to drink too–nothing wrong with that. Just you need to be careful with it. If you don’t drink too much, that is great. I haven’t read enough of your posts to see a difference between normal posting and drunk :slight_smile: I just made the comment because it just seemed a lot of your posts were about you drinking is all.

Good luck and all. I do wish you well. Sometimes you just need to vent, and if that is all this is, so be it.

16

I honestly had no idea that my actions of late give the impression of the infamous poster meltdown. I’ve seen many and they always seemed different in my head. I will take some deep breathes before I post from now on, and think more critically about how I behave.

I had no idea venting about my parents would lead to such revelations. I guess it’s a good thing, though.

17

This will not turn into a pile-on because you said you hate your parents. Lots of people on this board have troubled relationships with their parents and openly discuss and share those stories. This “may” turn into a pile-on because it doesn’t seem like you are taking a lot of responsibility for the position you’re in, including possible issues with drinking (I said “may” because I feel that Auto still has some time to steer this train away if he would like to.) Right now as I’m writing this there are other people collecting a share of links as examples of bothersome behavior on the board and links to a drinking problem. I like you Auto, and I even liked your OP. It was a good rant, and even had a few good attempts at laughter. If drinking isn’t one of you coping mechanisms than at least humor is; which I hope you are able to keep.

Also, I want to take back what I said about dog-throwing being laughable. I’ll admit than when I read this a very comical picture of a dog flying across a livingroom went through my mind. But to actually be there and witness this being done as an act of anger must be terrorizing for you and the dog.

(edit: :smack: , I can’t post fast enough the previous posts have already said everything I meant to I guess)

18

What prompted this pitting is an incident tonight which involved several hours of anger and strife for all three of us. At the end, we managed to have a polite and productive conversation, but I still had a lot of negative emotions that I needed to vent. Things like this are not a daily occurrence(sp?) for me. So I guess what I’m saying is that I am indeed just venting.

I guess people can empthaze with having a crasy Asian boss, but not having crazy parents. Go fig.

19

I take full responsibility for the overdrinking and the consequent yank from school to live back home. The part that irks me is how my parents went behind my back. I probably didn’t make that very clear.

Oh, and you didnt offend me about my dog. I hope I didnt offend anyone else either. Cruelty to animals is not cool.

Conductor Auto wishes to steer this train away from a pile-on…

20

Purely anecdotal curiousity and all serious discussion aside, it’s Friday night man, what are you drinking? :smiley: