I Pit The Asswipe Fucking With My Marriage

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Maybe the fact that I’m posting about this instead of taking it to some actual real friends just demonstrates how very much my social life has hit rock bottom anyways. I’m just feeling very angry and helpless like now, overwhelmedly so, and talking it over with my husband generally leads to us both feeling worse… I feel so utterly alone right now. And the relative anonymity of this place generally means I check my inhibitions about revealing personal things at the door.

So I’ll just lay it out there, because I’m feeling quite desperate, and those of you who feel I’m socially inadequate or attention-whoring can just suck it.

I have a phenomenal relationship with my husband, he is the shining star of my life, but our sex life is a disaster. Not his fault.

Mine. Mine. Mine.

I’ve tried so hard and nothing seems to work. I’ve had therapy for 6 years. I was sexually abused by two of my stepfathers. The most problematic, the most utterly soul crushing, occurred almost daily between the ages of 12-17. Everything got so out of control. I ran away from home to escape my mother, and then right after I emancipated I confided to my therapist about him, and she called freakin’ social services even though I was legally an adult, and his ex wife found out, and his other kids had to be investigated, and everybody hated me including my own mother, who would call me up and scream at me, “Why are you doing this to our family?!!” when she wasn’t hypothesizing that I was crazy and had hallucinated the whole thing. And she knew, she fucking KNEW, she admitted she knew the whole time.

So I’ve done a lot of work to move forward, made therapy a full-time job at one point, this bullshit totally hijacked my college career, I’ve got a fucking 3.5 and I could have done so much better I graduated Salutatorian for Christ’s sake, every day I look at my life and I see wasted potential. But I’ve done some hard work to try to move forward, I’ve learned to handle myself rationally and empirically and can function almost normally now, almost so you would think I’m actually normal instead of suffering from 12 thousand different psychological disorders… I’ve worked so fucking hard. I’ve put myself through so much shit just to do what normal people do on a regular basis.

But we still can’t have sex. I can’t describe to you how frustrating this is. It makes me want to punch holes in my stepfather’s face. I fucking LOVE my husband, he’s the hottest fucking thing on the planet, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve made such a disaster of everything. When we first got together it was easier but now we’re domesticated, and domesticated is the devil. Every time my husband touches me I think, “God, why. Doesn’t he love me? Why is he doing this if he loves me?” Because I trust him and I love him–that is the whole fucking irony of the thing, I TRUST HIM and I LOVE HIM and THAT is why I can’t have sex with him. Because for me, sex and love can’t go together and they never will.

I mean we have sex sometimes, like every month or every other month or so, and it’s good, and it’s usually because I want it and have to have it and frequently the earth moves. But we have too long an established history of me trying to do it when I don’t really feel like it–and almost always that would end BADLY–one time I even pushed him the fuck away and started crying and he had to leave for like an hour before I would let him anywhere near me. Sometimes I just lay down on the bathroom floor and wait for it (the flashback) to be over, while he just sits there feeling completely helpless telling me, “I’m here. It’s me. I’m here. It’s me…” Because even though I know he’s there, I know it’s my husband, he’s not there and it’s not him.

I mean did he even KNOW? Did he even stop to consider for one fucking second that what he was doing was going to fuck with my life for as long as I’m alive? Do you know what it’s like to love someone with all your heart and soul but be afraid of them at the same time? I had to feel that way for five years as a teenage kid and another five years as a married alleged adult. Meanwhile the fucker who did this to me gets to live his comfortable life where everyone worships the ground he walks on and I still have to fucking HEAR about it. My Mom finally divorced him last year and I thought, “Great! I never have to hear about him ever again!”

But no, I have to hear about him all the goddamn time. My Mom invited me to a b-day party for my Grandpa the other day but had to preface it with, “Well, you-know-who might be there.” Well sure as FUCK I’m not going then! (Really long and hard to explain, but my Mom’s Mom is married to this bastard’s stepfather, so regardless of the divorce, he’s in the family for life!) Then I get this gem: “Well, you almost weren’t invited at all, you know. They just want to avoid a scene.”

Yeah, I get it, I’m almost 24, time to grow the fuck up and move on. I think most of the time I can and do this but sometimes MY BODY WILL NOT FUCKING COOPERATE. I’m sick of people telling me to move the fuck on with my life. I HAVE. I do NOT spend all day thinking about my pathetic childhood.

But it becomes RELEVANT when I can’t even sleep with my goddamn husband. When the thought of even trying to have sex just fills me with overwhelming dread I think it becomes a pertinent issue. Because sex for us is not, “Are we going to have sex now? Yay!” No. It’s, “Are we having sex now? What does this mean? Is my wife okay with this? Can I ask my wife every 2 seconds if she’s okay with this because she might just be doing that dissociation thing? Does this give us hope that we might one day be able to function as a normal couple? Is she going to shove me away crying and will I have to wrap her in blankets or get the fuck out for the time being?” If it goes well, that’s even worse. If we enjoy it, that’s the ultimate penalty, because then we both know exactly what we’re missing out on the other 99% of the time. Sex isn’t just sex, sex is expectations and pressure and fears and hopes and dreams. Sex is everything evil could ever be and it’s also everything I can never have. I learned, from sex, how fucking sadistic human beings are capable of being.

And I fucking hate him for putting me through this, I fucking hate him for putting my husband through this and for never having to pay a single goddamn consequence. Why my family? Why did he put this burden on my family? How is it this worthless piece of shit managed to not only fuck with my childhood but my fucking marriage as well? I used to have these terrible nightmares when I was a kid that my Dad would never let me go, that even after I was married he would keep doing it and I would never be able to get away.

Far as I can tell, I was right.

Yes, I’ve had therapy. I’ve had 6 years of personal counseling, we had three months couples’ counseling where we addressed this issue (though not the main focus) and we recently started actual sex therapy but you know what? I did it for him because I don’t give a fuck anymore. I don’t think it’s going to work because nothing has worked so far. And nothing will get my husband down faster than telling him how I REALLY feel, which is that I’d be the happiest fucking person in the world if I never had to have sex ever again.

And that’s why it’s my fault. Because I just want to give up and run away and never deal with it ever again. Because if I’m sitting on the couch and I think, “Huh, I’d like to have sex,” that’s immediately followed by every excuse I can imagine for not doing it, including the hurt that will inevitably follow from my husband. Yes oh yes it’s true he can never imagine, as he put it, what it’s like to be afraid of the one you love most in all the world. But conversely, he added, I can never imagine what it’s like to have the person you love most in all the world be afraid of you.

And those who think this is inappropriate TMI for a message board can go fuck themselves. If one person reading this was considering molesting a kid and I forced them to take a good, hard look at the immense destruction caused by such a thing, then my work is done. People go through this shit all the time and they don’t talk about it because of the stigma. Fuck the stigma hard up the ass. People need to know.

ETA: this was supposed to go in “Mundane and Pointless” but I put it here cuz of all the times I cursed.

2

Yowza.

I’d add to this pitting your mother, who let TWO DIFFERENT STEPFATHERS mess with you. And even now lets your needs take second place to so-called family members just because she wants to avoid a scene. Does she even KNOW what went on? Is she still in denial??? Does someone need to hit her with a fucking clue-by-four???

Have you been in touch with any survivors-of-abuse support groups? My guess is yes, since you’ve spent so much time in therapy, but if not, that may be something worth looking into.

I have no clue what, if anything, will make it all better for you. {{{OlivesMarch4}}}

3

This is a perfectly good place for you to vent the way you have - you do not need to apologise or ask for permission.
I cannot even imagine what it is like to be you and after six years of therapists, probably nothing I say will make any difference.
One point: you are only 24 and have been married for some time - there hasn’t been much time put between when it stopped happening and now (or when you first met your husband). Time makes a difference in most things. Be a little kinder to yourself you most certainly deserve it.

4

Damn, honey, I am so sorry.

Vent away…

:frowning:

5

This is horrible.

Have you tried EMDR for PTSD? I know it sounds like snake-oil but I spoke to someone I know who’s one of the leading PTSD therapists in the country and she said it can be effective.

It’s times like this I wish I had a wand I could wave and actually help somehow.
I’m sure a hug wouldn’t help, but if you wanted one, here 'tis (((HUG))).

6

Obviously there isn’t much we can do but I hope it helped that you typed it all out. I hope that you somehow find peace with this some day.

7

I guarantee you, not a single one of the regulars here will say anything like that. The only ones who might are our less mature temporary Guests, and they’d be drummed out of here so fast their heads would spin.

My highschool girlfriend had been molested, for years, by her father. She ended up telling her mother, who then blamed her for the ensuing divorce. Her family broke up as a result, and she ended up in a foster home. After twenty years, I still find myself wondering how she is, and wishing I hadn’t lost touch with her.

And I still want to kneecap her bastard of a father.

8

I’m so sorry for what happened to you and wish you more than the best in your road to recovery. I do have to wonder what makes you desire to stay in contact with any of your family who are so heartily supportive of the pedophile and treat you so poorly, in particular your mother. Fuck the bitch–she all but lead the dude into your bedroom and held his hand as he raped you. Why would you want to continue having any kind of relationship with her?

9

I’m sorry for all your pain. Have you discussed therapy sessions that would include your mother? I know it won’t change what happened, but maybe it’s something that could help you.

That’s just…jeeeeez…just awful.

10

Wow. Just wow.
My heart goes out to you.

11

Holy shit, that is a hell of a lot for one person to have gone through. It’s even more for one person to continue to go through. It sounds like you have a very understanding and patient husband though, which I’m sure you know. I hope that by venting it out you feel at least a little bit of release.

I second the confusion about still maintaining a relationship with your mother, but that’s nothing really for me to question. I sure as hell wouldn’t even continue contact with anyone who even pretended to know about the sexual abuse that was going on and didn’t do anything to stop it. Especially considering that it seems that now, after years and years, she seems to be not fully supporting you as she should. Almost didn’t invite you? Fuck that. Why don’t they not invite him instead, considering he is a sexual predator!

I’m very sorry for the continued suffering you seem to be enduring. I hope you can find some way to cope with it, however you need to.

-foxy

12

Once you become an adult, all relationships become voluntary, even ones with your own mother. “We almost didn’t invite you.” is an indication of where she places you in her hierarchy. Having your stepfathers betray you is bad enough, but your own mother…? Shame on her.

You don’t have to accept her betrayal any longer. There’s no “let’s try and make nice for the sake of the family” when abuse is involved. She’s either on your side or she’s not. And it’s clear that she’s not. You’ve cut off communication with your stepfathers. It’s time to give your mother her walking papers because she has shown that her loyalties do not lie with you. I wouldn’t associate with a child molester *of a child I didn’t know *; I most certainly wouldn’t associate with a man who harmed my own child.

Nope. Disassociate yourself from toxic people for your own mental health. You’ve been a victim; it’s time to take action to protect yourself from further harm. It’s in your power and it’s as easy as hanging up the phone.

Good luck to you.

13

I’m so sorry about this, Olive. If I were you, I would give myself at least one year, maybe five, with minimal to no contact with the entire family, with anyone who either let this happen to you or who now lets that piece of shit within twenty miles of you with his eyes intact.

Your husband is the one you can trust. Trust him.

14

Oh, you brought tears to my eyes! Your pain, anger and fear emanate from your words. Don’t give in to the despair, you deserve more than that lot in life. Don’t give up hope, fight! I know you’re tired, but I believe you have wells of strength to tap that are deeper than you realize. Rest a bit, then renew your battle. Keep going to therapy. You have a lot of time yet, and it will be so much better if you don’t give up and keep working.

As others have said, it wasn’t that long between the time arsehole stopped abusing you, and your marraige. Things like this, take time and a lot of work too, you know this. Go easy on yourself, and give it more time. Can you continue couple’s therapy, or get your husband to therapy sessions on his own? You deserve to be able one day to feel contentment and experience joy on a regular basis. Keep working to purge the poisons that were put there by your abusers. I hope one day, you will see that he has no power over you now, and never will again because you won’t let him. You can reach that point, in time. Meanwhile vent away. I wish you find freedom from those chains someday, and enjoy every moment of it fully.

I also second the idea of maybe finding a family of your choosing to be your support group, and for now at least avoiding those that have hurt you so deeply. Sometimes, it’s better to not see those who hurt you. It comes down to the fact that you deserve better, you deserve to live and to be healthy and they don’t help promote this.

15

I don’t really know what to say other than sorry that people can be so cruel and that this happened to you.

16

Wow, that is one of the most awful things I’ve ever heard. I can’t imagine how you’ve managed thus far. I’m glad I’m not related to you, because I’d be in prison for beating the life out of that bastard that did that to you.

I’m sure that someday you’ll be able to live life on your own terms, until then stay strong, and know that there are people out there that support you.

17

Like Zabali, tears came to my eyes when reading this post. It’s so unfair that you and your husband are suffering like this. I wish there was something I could do for you. I hope you can find something that helps you get through this so the monster who did this to you cannot continue to hurt you and your happiness. From what I’ve read of you, you are an impressively intelligent, kind, and decent person. You deserve to be happy.

On preview, PunditLisa is right: you are under no obligation to continue dealing with your mother, esp. if she makes you feel like crap for taking care of yourself and avoiding the bastard who harmed you. You don’t have to put up with her bullshit. If you want to cut her out of your life, and need support, e-mail me or open a thread here, and you will get as much support as an Internet message board can give you.

18

I am so sorry. Truly, truly sorry.

19

Gods, how awful for you, and for your husband too.

I have no words of advice, or even comfort, but you do have my sympathy, in bucketloads. I will second (or third or fourth, I lost count) the advice to cut ties with your mother, and anyone else who is not actively supporting you through this. You don’t need people in your life who are preventing you from getting past this horror.

hugs

20

Wow. How trerrible. I’m thinking warm thoughts for you. Trying different therapies seems like the best course of action. In the meantime, you should hold your head up. You did nothing wrong. And your job now is to disassociate loving sex from an assault. If you work on that you can do it. From the few exchanges we’ve had, even though we don’t agree, you seem like a genuinly nice, bright person. Try to remember, sex is good, assault is bad. And what was done to you was not sex. It was assault involving genitals. The men who did this need justice served upon them, and I’m sure that in time it will be. Your mother sounds like an utter failure (sorry). But do not allow these failures and scumbags to ruin your future. Thay dictated your past. Let you and your husband dictate what your lives will be.

By the way, have you thought about showing this post to your husband. Only you will know if it’s the right or helpful thing to do. But you’ve explaiined yourself quite well here and I know sometimes coversations can ramble and not be so focused.

Like I said, lots of warm healing thoughts…