I Pit The Asswipe Fucking With My Marriage

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Don’t shut your husband out. This is frustrating for both of you, but keep him as close as you can. I fourth or fifith the posters who say get Mom out of your life–she is not helping you, and it seems she is adding to the trauma.

I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can suggest it to keep going to well-reputed therapists and keep trying to make it work. Last thing you probably want to hear, but what is the alternative? You need to take your life back and live it. (I know you know this; I’m not trying to lecture here. I am truly appalled at the abuse you have suffered through. Be patient with yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself–this is going to take time, lots of it.)

I know you have posted here re the lack of progress in therapy and the circle jerk of navel-gazing that can occur in support groups. I would tend to agree with that, but also I say that Rome wasn’t built in a day. It is up to you to make the changes, but I don’t think you can do this alone (I seriously doubt anyone could). Is there any physical touch that you and your husband can do, which you tolerate? If so, concentrate on that, perhaps. I’m sort of grasping at straws here–but please know that we hear that you don’t want to stay where you are, but also don’t know how to move forward.
My best to you.

22

olivesmarch4th, may I have your permission to email you on this topic? I was exactly where you are at your age (except it was my older brother, not fathers, and it started when I was 2 and went until I was 13 or so), including years of totally unproductive therapy. Not only unproductive, but counter-productive, making me believe I was irreparably damaged. I do have a very serious recommendation for you. But I’m not comfortable posting it here.

We also did the stupid dance around family holidays for years, and it took my mother literally years to say “Um, it just occurred to me that the reason you’re always “too busy” around the holidays is that you don’t want to see your brother.” Gee, ya think?! But it sucked, because then I couldn’t see the rest of my family.

He claimed for years that I was lying about the whole thing. Our family was very conflicted, of course, because it was a huge game of he said, she said. It got to the point that I really honestly started to wonder if I *had *made it up, and then started wondering what sort of monster I must be to try to ruin his life with a fiction. Two years ago, he admitted the truth, apologized, MEANT IT, and I found forgiveness. Not forget. I’ll never forget. But we spent Thanksgiving together with the family for the first time since we were kids, and it was totally and completely ok. And my panic attacks stopped.

I’ll understand if you don’t want one more piece of advice, so that’s why I’m not using the email in your profile. I feel the need to get your permission first.

23

I thought this was going to be some 3rd party trying to steal your mate. This is way worse, and I’ll say I hope you can deal with your husband better later on.

24

Rock solid advice well said.

Divorce yourself from your family. It will be hard at first, then after awhile and without knowing, you will begin to heal.
I wish you peace.

25

Jesus that’s heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you. I hope you’re able to find peace someday.

26

I had to put my father out of my life (for a different reason) so I understand how hard this can be - but it’s worth it if it’s needed.
My heart goes out to you.

27

Let me add to chorus of “I’m so sorry”.

I’m glad you’ve found this to be a safe place to vent. I experienced minor abuse as a teen and I know that abuse followed me around for a very long time. It was nothing compared to what you have survived.

Please begin by accepting that you deserve to be protected and to be your own first priority. Hold onto your husband, tight. He sounds like a gem. Eliminate realtionships that make you feel worse about yourself, like your mom. I don’t mean to sound like that is an easy course to take, but you deserve to be protected in the way you weren’t as a child. You have the power to protect yourself now, and you deserve it.

I am so sorry.

28

Thanks everyone for your support.

Re: Mother: I wanted to clarify, with the birthday party she had no part in whether or not I was to be invited–that was my grandmother’s decision. My mother was only doing the decent thing to warn me that if I went he would probably be there. Now that they are divorced she hates him too… she was also almost not invited. So that particular instance she wasn’t excluding me or considering doing so–my grandmother was.

Re: Mother. Yeah, I mean, she treated me like complete shit most of my life and was severely emotionally and sometimes physically abusive–my PTSD is called “complex” because I also get triggery over the stuff she did to me. She handled the first incident with husband #1 well–he was convicted of his crime and went to prison (I was 3, don’t remember much.) My mother after I told her about husband #4 has said so many things to contradict herself it’s hard to tell where she stands on this issue. She bounced back and forth between blaming me, trying to convince my therapists that I was actually schizophrenic like my uncle, pestering me with questions, telling me I should forgive him and move on and my personal favorite, “Maybe he really DID do something… just so he could hurt ME!” I really had a hard time with PTSD flashbacks (much harder than now) when I was trying to spend time with her in his presence and at 20 I did a REAL dumbass thing and moved in with them for three weeks. Finally it just got to be too much and I cut her out of my life–completely–for almost a year. I was willing to do this for the rest of our lives if it was necessary.

But, she divorced him. Her official reason for divorcing him is the time he shoved her and she fell and hurt her back. Now that she has a social life everyone thinks she was the regular victim of domestic violence. I don’t bother arguing with her… he was pretty shitty to her, but she was way shittier to both of us.

I don’t… really know whether she believes me or not, and I don’t care anymore or need her to believe me in order to move on with my life. She has told me that she remembers walking in on him and thinking something funny was up and telling him she would fucking kill him if he did anything to me. I remember the same incident, though a little differently. I remember her walking in and screaming, “If you love her so much, why don’t you marry HER?!!” I remember her acting like I was some loathed other woman instead of her 13-year-old child.

So. I can’t say she knew for sure with full consciousness, but it’s pretty clear she knew something on some level and chose to do nothing. One member of my family related to me a conversation they had when I was 19 wherein my Mom asked, “Do you really think she’s telling the truth?” and when my family member responded in the affirmative she said, “No, I don’t want to know. Shut up and never say another word about it.”

I really don’t care anymore. My beef with her is done. I’ve always loved her and I still do, but not in the cloying, desperate way I once did. IF she started fucking with my self-respect again I’d leave our relationship with no regrets… but she doesn’t. She’s harmless to me. I enjoy spending time with her, but I don’t… FEEL as deeply as I did before, if that makes any sense at all.

So that’s the story on Mom. I’m comfortable with the way things are with her. Our relationship currently consists of talking on the phone every week or so… mostly about her life, her job and relationships. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but our relationship is too insignificant in its impact on my life to be damaging.

Regarding the rest of my family, only two people in my entire family ever supported me consistently through this nightmare–one was my Aunt (who I lived with after I ran away from home) and the other was my Grandma B–not to be confused with Grandma M mentioned above.

Most other family members quietly ignored it, some remarked it was awfully “convenient” the story was coming about during the most difficult period between me and my mother and my Grandma M (mentioned above) looked at me point blank when I came to her and said, “This is all your fault, you should have known better, you were just trying to get back at your mother” all in one breath. I walked out the door and she never said a word about it ever again.

I suppose I COULD hold some unholy grudge, but my family has always been markedly dysfunctional, I can think of three people off the top of my head that I am related to that are also child molesters, which explains the persistent denial. I just don’t have the energy to hold these kind of grudges. I can go hang out with my Grandma M and enjoy myself perfectly well–I just don’t trust her farther than I can throw her. My life certainly doesn’t revolve around these people who have betrayed me–they are entertaining, and they give me a sense of personal history, but that’s as far as it goes.

This might not make a lot of sense, but in many ways I think of my family as “before” and “after.” My Mom is the same person but she’s really not the same person. When I’m angry at my Mom, I’m not angry at the lady I talk with now who’s wearing my mother’s skin. I’m angry at that crazy bitch who made my life a living hell when I was a kid, not the kind of fruity but otherwise harmless lady who obsesses about her job and relationships because she never really had a real life while she was married to #4.

To WhyNot, feel free to e-mail me. Anyone can. I’ve got nothing to hide. I don’t see how it gets much more personal (for me) than what I already shared!

29

Touching story.

Best of luck to you my friend in your search for inner peace.

May I just add that the posters who earlier suggested divorcing your family (your mother in particular) seem to be on the money - which, I guess, is why you’d ask for anonymous advice on a messageboard like this. We’re not caught up in the emotional drama and we’re detached as a result.

My position on family is this… they’re like workmates insofar as you can’t dictate how nice, or un-nice they’re going to be. 98% of the time, family is just great. But you’re always gonna get some family members who are just plain fucked in the head. Your mom sounds like one of those people. That’s not your fault of course, but remember, you can’t change people, you can only change your reactions. Your new reaction, it would seem, is to divorce your mom.

You’ll be surprised how serene your new life is. I don’t have any advice on how to fix your sex life however, apart from taking the time to really find out if it’s bugging your husband as much as it is yourself.

30

I have to say, reading your take on your mom, that you seem to have made MAJOR headway toward healthy coping strategies in a lot of ways. Being able to separate the woman she was from the woman she is, and understanding that her failings are, indeed, HER failings, indicates that you’re a pretty together young woman.

Take some heart from that. You’ve made great strides already in overcoming hell - there’s no reason you can’t, with time and support, make similarly great strides in this area. Be sure to GIVE yourself that time - and know that whatever the support of an anonymous message board poster (or 30) is worth, you’ve got that, too.

31

This is tremendously helpful and hopeful! That you can see so clearly what was and what is the truth about your family; that you can choose – completely on your own terms – what they are allowed to mean to you, well – good lord, woman, I stand in awe of your strength and wisdom. The sex abuse I suffered from a family member wasn’t a pimple compared to the gaping wounds inflicted on you, but it did teach me that healing is slow but, if you work at it, it WILL happen.

I don’t know if this will ever be, can ever be – SHOULD ever be, given what happened – possible, but if you could, in some manner, find a way to forgive the one who hurt you, it will do a lot to hasten the healing. Even if the forgiveness can go no farther than to believe that the evil that drove him to degrade you must surely degrade his soul, yes, and sour every pleasure he takes in life; to pity the soul-shrivelling self-loathing that must live somewhere within him, stare out at him when he looks in the mirror, yank him from sleep with nightmares of retribution from his victims – if you can find a way to release the rage into that, it could help. That, for me, was the crucial step in coming to terms with what had happened to me and finally getting past it. But that’s just me, and what you have endured is so much greater than I can’t really wrap my mind around it.

Believe this, though: You WILL heal. You WILL come to a place where you can give yourself in love and trust to your wonderful husband. You are wise and strong and will pass through the valley of the shadow into light and joy.

32

What a heartbreaking story, Olives. You and I have never addressed each other, but I pay attention to your posts and I respect your opinions. We’re about the same age too, so I see you as a peer. I can’t relate to what you’ve had to suffered because of that monster, but it’s clear that you don’t need to defend yourself or apologize for anything. Not for telling your story, and damned sure not for what happened to you.

You’re right to say it’s not your husband’s fault, but DO NOT blame yourself for how you feel. I’ve been getting help with some pre-installed demons of my own, so I can relate to being frustrated with waiting for an epiphany. Even though you’re working at it, in the meantime the pain is still with you. A piece of you got taken away, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that you’ve built something wonderful. You love your husband and he loves you. He has helped you bring joy back into your life in spite of the pain, and that is a powerful thing.

33

olives, have you seen an actual psychiatrist, licensed to prescribe pharmaceuticals? Anti-anxiety medications, in conjunction with cognitive behavioral therapy, have been quite effective for some people in overcoming specific situational disorders related to intimacy.

Medications in this class could include non addicting meds such as cymbalta, imipramine, buspar, and others, along with the more traditional (and potentially problematic) benzodiazepines.

34

Thank you. Email sent.

35

I really don’t have anything to add, but I’d like to offer you support and encouragement, if I may.

Good luck. hugs

36

I think you picked the perfect place and forum in which to let this out–if there’s anyone who can help you out with this I’d bet on finding that person here. My gut says talk to WhyNot, she strikes me as having her shit together and that baby had to come from somewhere.

I know what you mean about the therapy circle jerk–my daughter was molested by a neighbor girl and we did the group therapy thing until she wanted out because she felt that all the kids were endlessly reliving their experiences and never moving forward with their lives. She spent some time as a caseworker for troubled teens at a nonprofit, and the experience seemed to help her get some perspective on her own experience. This is a route you might consider, as there’s nothing so healing as helping to heal someone else. You find the right words coming out of your mouth, and sometimes you listen to yourself…

Your mother sounds like a toxic bitch and if I were ever to meet her I’d be tempted to give her a button hook hysterectomy on the spot, no anesthesia. There’s a special hell for women who turn away from their children to protect a useless rapist of a man, and believe me, you don’t have nearly the sexual issues she does–at least your responses are honest, if not always positive. She’s the kind of worthless bitch who can let the man who raped her daughter inside her and that’s all kinds of horrifying and fucked up. I hope she never has a good night’s sleep again for thinking about what she’s done. On preview–yup, the above still stands.

Continue with the sex therapy, concentrating on depressurizing “the act” and focussing on intimacy exercises that are not intended to result in intercourse. Keep up the lines of communication with your husband, I definitely concur he sounds like a keeper. As has been said upthread, you’re a victim of assault, not a victim of sex. Keep that distinction clear in your mind–if you were robbed and beaten you wouldn’t refuse the comfort of physicality, so try to make and reinforce any differentiation you can muster between “fucked up thing that my step dad did to me” and “fun activity my husband and I share.”

The first time I drove after having a nasty car accident I hyperventilated and panicked and tried to find any excuse not to get in that car, but the fiftieth time I forced myself to drive that exact same route I found out it wasn’t bothering me nearly as much, and a quarter of a million miles later I’m a driving fool… My mother suffered from hysterical vaginismus and fear of sex that prevented her and my dad from consummating their marriage for over three months, but she kept trying and dad was patient and she turned into quite the sex machine by the time my stepfather came along. The human mind is flexible and capable of learning and relearning, remapping around damaged areas to regain function. You are young yet, there hasn’t been much time since the damage was done and you’re still healing. Go ahead and be mad, you have a lot of reason to be mad, but don’t let it take over your head. That’s how the assholes win.

You strike me as being a remarkably levelheaded and sensible young woman and I think you have what it takes to get past this and live the life you deserve to have. Believe me, even though it seems like an insuperable barrier now it’s not. You will get some distance, the pain will lessen, and the positive experiences will outweigh the bad times. Stay happy, keep talking, don’t shy away from the physical side of life because it hurts now–someday you and your husband will look back in amazement at the way you were at first, and give each other a hug and kiss in thanks for the patience and love that let you learn to heal.

Blessed be, my sister…

37

Yes. I tried 14 different things before I got the right combination for me… I took an atypical antipsychotic called Seroquel and an anxiety med called Celexa. Seroquel worked well for nightmares, random middle-of-the-day flashbacks and overall anxiety attacks but didn’t help my desire for or aversion to sex at all. Also I gained 65 lbs–I’m very sensitive to side-effects in medications. Was on that two years. Taking time apart from Mom and withdrawing from college for a year made a HUGE difference, so I decided to go off the meds, which was a long and drawn-out process that lasted 8 months. I lost all that weight within the first 4 months and I’m still losing, not to mention I have way more energy. Now that I’m back in school (since Fall '06) the old anxiety has started right back up again WITH A VENGEANCE. I didn’t feel I was getting anywhere with my psychodynamic therapist so I switched to CBT–it’s made a HUGE difference already.

Honestly, most of the time I can roll with the punches now. I’m just feeling especially vulnerable right now for whatever reason… I was just really trying to figure out what has got me so freaked out, and I think it may be predominantly in part to the fact that I just started sex therapy, which means for the first time ever really we have to face this. I mean I’ve faced the emotional impact, the betrayal and the confusion and the pain in regular therapy, but that’s altogether different from the almost brutally thorough kind of therapy we’re doing now… sex therapy requires a high attention to detail and openly discussing these matters and identifying specific triggers… it’s hard. And maybe I’ve been in a little bit of denial about how painful it has to be for us to do this.

I also don’t want anyone to labor under the impression that I don’t share these feelings with my husband. We’ve talked about this stuff extensively. I’ve shared things with him I could never share with anyone else because I’m just too ashamed. He is infinitely supportive and we are in this together–for me, that was actually the turning point–the minute I realized mine wasn’t the only life being affected by this. He kept his suffering to himself for a long time out of respect for the guilt I already had, but I think it made a difference when we both could be angry together. Even tonight I’ve talked with him a little, but eventually you get to a point where nothing more can really be said.

I think you all are right about not giving up though. We’ve never done this kind of therapy before, and we like the woman a lot… if I can make progress with the depression, and the anxiety, and just learning to function overall, I can make progress with this. It’s just going to hurt a lot, that’s all. :frowning:

38

The labor of childbirth is often long, hard and painful – but then it’s over and you cradle a new life in your loving arms.

39

As others have indicated, you look like you’re on the path to rising above all of this. But, I will also add how impressed I am that you turned out incredibly well considering such an ugly past. I mean, you’ve found a husband who obviously loves you and you obviously love him (the real deal kind of love here, not the self-serving, infatuation stuff that is all too common). You are extremely intelligent and stable for someone who has survived something that would have wrecked me (and, I’m sure, many others). If I had gone through all of that as a kid, I’d probably have ended up in jail.

40

Thanks for your good will and support, guys. I’m going to go to bed now and revisit this thread in the morning (I feel kind of an “emotional hangover” right now so don’t think I can process all this too clearly… least not 'til after a good night’s rest.

Thanks bunches & Olives forever,
Christy