I didn’t leave the house all weekend. I’ve now turned everything I own upside down and inside out. I’ve searched the house from the basement to the rafters. I searched the yard. I’ve searched my car. I’ve looked in the freezer, the oven, the dishwasher, the trash, and the bag of kitty litter I took out yesterday. I’ve looked under all the furniture. I’ve turned over every blanket, cushion, pillow, and comforter in the house. I’ve interrogated all the cats under sodium pentathol.
I’ve retraced every step I’ve taken in the last three days. My wife was the last person to drive the car, but I’ve used the keys since then to get into the locked basement. But I’ve turned that sumbitch inside out.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I have spares for the house and the car, but I have a load of keys on that keychain that go to locked labs at school, including four (4!) that were borrowed for a variety of purposes. Not to mention the keys to our screen doors (basically irreplaceable at this point,) and my dad’s house keys.
Dammit dammit dammit. I’m going to have to report all those keys lost, and see if I can have them replaced.
I’ve gotten so frustrated and paranoid that I’ve started having dark visions of some nefarious character sneaking into my basement and ignoring all the expensive musical equipment, but stealing my precious, precious keys.
Or maybe I left them outside, and the raccoons swiped 'em.
GODDAMNIT! WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY KEYS?!