I pit women who can get pregnant without even trying...

The BBQ Pit
1

…and don’t know how goddamn lucky they are.

Inspired by this thread: How Can A Woman NOT Know She’s Pregnant?

I’ve got nothing against the OP, or anyone who contributed there. Reading that thread just made me furious against every other woman on the planet who can increase its population through natural means.

I know I shouldn’t be angry. You’re pregnant? <Puts on happy face> Well good for you! Your biological processes are in order! Your body is doing what it’s evolved to do: produce healthy offspring. Chances are, you’re going to have an adorable little child, with minimal effort and cost. And in a case like that described in the thread, you didn’t even know!

You know where I’m going later this week? I’m going to the gynecologist, to get yet another internal ultrasound. If there’s a mature egg developing in an ovary (because that doesn’t always happen in this Jane’s body), I’ll get yet another insemination treatment. (Doctor Feelbad will use my husband’s sperm, because it’s perfectly healthy, thankyouverymuch.) And you know what? That Torquemada-conceived so-called “turkey baster” HURTS. So those of you who are giggling, saying “well, she just doesn’t know how to have sex,” can stuff it with a speculum. Because if sex could get me pregnant, I’d have a litter of kids by now.

“Oh, so why don’t you just adopt?” many ask. Well, let’s look at the reality of this lovely sentiment. Because of my location (the not-quite-free republic of Quebec), local adoption is almost impossible. Therefore, I’ve got to go international. Which means I’ll have to raise $20 000 for bribes, I mean, fees to various government officials. $20 000 up front. And that’s before I’ve bought anything that will actually help the kid, like a crib or a car seat. Oh, and that’s not counting what I’ll have to pay to get my house in order. Because we’ll be inspected and interviewed, and anything short of a Supernanny-vetted functioning nursery could ruin our chances of being approved. Isn’t it swell to think I’ll be staring at a fully-furnished pink and blue room in our condo for months before we might be allowed to have a child? That’s sadder than single women who try on wedding dresses, and at least most of those girls don’t put them up in their homes to stare at every day.

Yep, I’m bitter. I’m bitter to know that for me, every afterschool special was a lie. I’m bitter realizing that every smiling school nurse who cautioned, “you can get pregnant at any time!” wasn’t talking to me. I’m bitter to read news articles about celebrities having babies they won’t even take care of themselves, 16-year-olds getting pregnant “because the condom broke”, and yes, even women having babies when they didn’t even know they were pregnant. Because though I realize it can be really shitty for an unprepared woman to have a child, it’s crushingly depressing to be totally prepared and told you can’t.

2

I’m really sorry to hear of your troubles. I hope things improve for you very soon.

3

I feel your bitterness. Going through all the trials/disappointments and $$$ of fertility treatments with my wife and meeting a lot of great people along the way in similar circumstances who have great environments to rear a child and a lot of love just waiting to be bestowed upon a child it’s just a kick to the head when you hear about someone who just accidentally became pregnant and doesn’t really want a kid.
While we were going through the whole ordeal we had a friend of a friend who was basically a 20 something gal who never graduated high school, never held a job, drank, smoked, and got knocked up by some unknown father and now had an 8 year old and they were living on welfare. She had another one-night-stand recently and guess what? She got pregnant again.
It’s just wonderful how things work out somehow isn’t it?

4

Having had my second failed IVF in November, I totally feel your pain. Our first child took eighteen months, twelve tests, one cancer scare and surgery on my husband in order to conceive. At this point the odds are against our second child happening at all. There isn’t a single second of my life when this fact doesn’t burn my soul.

Oh and before anyone yells at me for chosing IVF over adoption, IVF is covered our our medical plan. Adoption isn’t.

5

I suppose the male equivalent of this thread would be:

I pit men who can get laid without even trying.

In which case, I would move to append this as a parallel pitting.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with impregnation. The uber-Darwinist sociopaths among us would claim “maybe this is nature’s way of saying you shouldn’t have kids, we shouldn’t propagate your genes”. Fortunately for the compassionate among us, technology can do wonderful things. Keep on plugging away (heh) with the treatment, try to keep your hopes up, and be grateful that you and your husband still have each other and your health.

And be grateful for the sex.

6

While I understand your frustration, pain and anguish with your situation, I’d still like to say fuck off from the fertile ones in the audience. I wouldn’t do it unprovoked, of course, but there was a lot of provocation in that OP.

Why should I feel guilty, or ashamed, or be pitted because there’s nothing wrong with my body? No, I didn’t consider myself “goddamn lucky” to be pregnant at 17 whilst using several forms of birth control, but I chose the responsibility of raising my child myself anyway, even though I knew it was going to make my life a whole lot harder than I had planned. But I did it anyway, and I’m a damn good parent.

Pit your infertility, rage against God, scream at Mother Nature or curse your ovaries. Leave me the fuck out of it, thank you very much.

7

Gee, I’m sorry that you’re having difficulties getting pregnant. OTOH, it seems that you otherwise have your health, you have (apparently) either fucking great insurance and/or really comfortable income.

Quite a bit more than most of the folks that I know and love, frankly.

and they aren’t saying “fuck you” to those who aren’t ill, have insurance etc.

8

Been through the infertility thing and feel your pain. We ended up adopting.

As to adoption, there are loans available - at least in the U.S. The $20k is nothing compared to what you are going to spend on the kid - so if you can afford to have kids, you can afford to adopt - it will just take a bit. As an adoptive parent, I’ll give you my gripe - people who complain how expensive adoption is - while doing NOTHING to save for it. I had a friend of a friend who went on and on about how expensive adoption was - and then drove off in a new Volvo.

And, at least where we adopted from - that $20k wasn’t bribes - it paid for women like my son’s birthmother to live in a birthmother home. It paid for hos delivery. It paid for a month in the hospital for him and five more in foster care with monthly checkups. It paid for 40+ hours with a social worker for us. And then the agency uses the rest to support kids who aren’t adoptable in the eyes of the Korean government.

(I was figuring this morning - my kids are seven and eight - that just in daycare, extracurricular activities, and that sort of stuff (i.e. not including groceries or clothes) we are almost half a million dollars into our kids already!)

9

I understand the frustration, believe me. My wife has had a similarly difficult time. Her younger sister, who is not yet 25, has managed to have three children already. For the first, she was a drug-using teenager who basically abandoned the kid for a year for my wife and her mother to raise. Very nice. To this day, I have to say that I get very little impression that she appreciates what she has. On a day to day basis, she appears to treat her kids as more of a nuisance or encumbrance than as something she actually wanted. She doesn’t talk to them like people, more like annoying interruptions. It’s sad.

For years, my wife had to endure the fact that her irresponsible, ungrateful sister was “Fertile Myrtle” while she had a rare condition that gave her a less than 1% chance of ever conceiving. In 2005, we tried in vitro, which failed. That was the most miserable Christmas ever, compounded by the fact that family and little kids were everywhere, enjoying something it seemed like we’d never have. My wife told me she felt like she’d never be happy again. We both said that people have no idea, when they say that it’ll work out somehow; we didn’t want to hear it. Hallmark should make a “That Fucking Sucks” line for people in our situation, we said.

But, because you have to go on, we went on. With the help of family, we’re going to adopt from China. And just when we least expected it (in the middle of the adoption process), my wife got pregnant, with no help from doctors or medications or ovulation predictors or anything. Now, while we despaired of ever having one, we’ll have two, one biological, one acquired.

What I’m getting at is: I know that it looks really dark right now, but keep on going. There really is another side to this tunnel. It may not be one you’d expect, but it really is there.

10

I can’t say it better than WhyNot. I refuse to feel ashamed because my plumbing works the way it’s intended.

11

That’s our scenario as well. May I congratulate you with “Congrats on being the little bit of truth in the myth that all it takes to get pregnant is to adopt.” It was my favorite.

And I now introduce myself to adoptive parents with “I’m sorry, I’m the person all your friends and relatives tell you about.”

(Mine are thirteen months apart in age, arrived six months apart and are now seven and eight).

12

This was my first thought, actually. The exact words running through my head were the song lyrics “It’s Nature’s way of telling you something’s wrong.”

Then I thought of my pregnant-after-the-first-nooky-after-coming-off-the-pill wife, and my second thought was “Sour Grapes are so unpalatable”. Suck it up, OP, fertile women have exactly fuck-all to do with your problems. Shitty pitting. Better served as a Mundane and Pointless dish.

13

Happened to my mom, as well. Two of us kids are adopted, and two of us aren’t. Then it happened to my brother (the adopted one) and his wife…they have 2 adopted, and one not.

You never, ever know what life has in store for you.

14

I posted to that thread you reference. Yup, part of my super-happy-fun year last year involved two visits to the same hospital - one to see an infertility specialist to arrange IVF treatment, and just a couple of weeks later a second visit to see my young cousin and her surprise baby. Gosh, that was awesome. I remember eagerly anticipating the birth of that young woman herself, and I never expected her to have children before me. The fact that it happened in an “Oops! Look what I just did!” fashion didn’t help, not when I’d been working on the same goal without success for over four years.

It’s so hard to remember some days that “her baby takes nothing away from me”, but that was the only way I could stop myself being filled with bitterness. Her baby doesn’t take anything away from me, and if I could trade lives with her, I sure as hell wouldn’t. Your life is pretty damn messed up when your family suspects you of deliberately concealing a pregnancy.

15

Criticisms acknowledged, well-wishes gratefully accepted. A few points I can make clearer:

  • Medical costs: I’m in Quebec, so Medicare covers some of my expenses. I have additional coverage through my employer. Neither of these sources does a particularly good job of covering infertility issues, though. My favorite experience with the insurance company was seeing that Clomid (a common hormonal medication) wasn’t covered. So I’m not really sick, I’m just playing with my estrogen levels for fun…sigh.

  • Adoption costs: Kids are expensive, sure. My particular situation (and others’ may be very different) that I’ve worked hard for many years, both blue-collar and white, and finally have a good job and a reasonably comfortable living situation. (Serious knock on wood, of course.) I realize I would end up spending tens of thousands of dollars on my children, just a) not all at once and b) not for “nothing”. I mean, I’m a bargain hunter. If I grew up with second-hand clothes and furniture, so can my kids. I can stretch a hundred dollars very, very far. Starting child-rearing
    thousands of dollars in debt with nothing to show for it save the baby her or himself disturbs me.

I do thank you, Dangerosa, for giving me an idea where some of that money might be spent. I hope that most countries spend their money as wisely as Korea. My opinion was and is colored by watching documentaries about bleak Chinese and Romanian orphanages and thinking to myself, “they sure aren’t spending twenty thousand dollars per kid”.

  • “Fertile Myrtle”: Thank you for giving the object of my frustration a name! The woman who has kids without thinking, by negligence, often repeatedly…That’s what gets in my craw. Not every mother, not every potential mother, just the ones who take it for granted.
16

Not tens of thousands on your children - hundreds of thousands. Your adoption will be a flash in the pan compared to what you spend. Even if you live frugally and use second hand furniture. We spend $200 a month for two years on diapers and formula - just diapers and formula. $400 worth of carseats over 4 years (not supposed to use a used carseat). $1600 a month in daycare.

There are good programs to adopt from and bad ones. Programs that do have bribery as part of their process (its cultural - bribery is something a little different in Eastern Europe than it is here - its part of how the orphanage workers and adoption staff are getting paid - think of it like tipping your waitress in the U.S.) and ones that don’t. Programs that take great care of infants and ones that don’t. If you are interested, do your research - but don’t knock all adoption programs because of something you saw on T.V. There are expensive programs and programs that are reasonable (ten years ago you could adopt from Haiti for less than $10,000 U.S.)

17

They’re no worse than the ones who take it for granted that they should be able to have a child whenever they want, and who, when they find out that they can’t, will use thousands of dollars in resources and rationalize away the adoption option with spurious logic, all the while bitching and complaining about how unfair life is.

Maybe you’re better off not having kids. If your child was getting C’s in class, you’d probably start screaming at the A students.

18

All fantastic points, Dangerosa.

I’ve mentioned my friend before who recently had a baby (the baby that just wouldn’t come out, if some of you remember) and lately she’s finding all about the costs associated with a kid. Yeah, he was an accident and she was just one of those lucky :rolleyes: 17 year old girls who got knocked up before she graduated high school. OP, I’m sure she’s one of those fertile bitches you’re ranting against, but you know what? Her life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows just because she caught a lucky break and could pop out a kid. Don’t get me wrong, I guarantee you there’s not a thing in this world she’d trade her child for- all of the trials, pain, and poorness are worth it. That said, life is a lot harder and a lot more expensive than she thought. The kid is only 7 weeks old and he’s already racked up oodles of bills (hooray for baby asthma!) and put them further into the poor house.

It’s one thing in her case, where they baby was an unplanned. I mean, in that situation you just have to make due with what you’ve got. In yours, you have the ability to plan and be ready. Like Dangerosa said, $20k is nothing in comparison to what you’re going to spend on that kid in even the first 5 years. Heaven forbid if he/she gets sick.

And even with fantastic healthcare, how is it that your IVF treatments aren’t skyrocketing towards that $20k mark? Genuine question, not intended to be snarky. I just know people stateside who have spent $50k+ on their treatments.

If you want to try everything you can to have a "regular’ (I can’t think of a better phrase for that at the moment) kid before you try for adoption, that’s one thing. But to dismiss adoption as too expensive when you should either a: have that much money for the kid anyway or b: are already spending near that on treatments-- well, that’s just not right. What struck me as even worse is that you’re saying you are trying to get the best deal. This is a child , not a leather coat from the Salvation Army. If adoption does cost another $5k, what’s five grand to save a life?

19

The grass is always greener. I envy women who don’t have to worry about getting pregnant. I read threads about surprise pregnancies and it makes me sick–with fear. That’s a nightmare scenario to me.

20

Whenever I express my disgust over these sorts of topics, it’s generally with the idea that I wish fertility and birth control were completely under human control. Nobody gets pregnant when they don’t want to be, everybody who wants to get pregnant can.

An unwanted pregnancy can be horrifying, emotionally gutwrenching, and, for some, life threatening. Unwanted pregnancies are hardly the sort of thing to express envy over. Likewise, unwanted infertility can be a horrifying and emotionally gutwrenching whirlwind, too. And unwanted infertility is hardly the sort of thing to express envy over.

Both suck. Both are a distressing realization that you’re not really entirely in control of your body and lacking control of your own body–the one thing you have from the moment you’re born until the day you day–is downright violating.