I die occasionally. This has been an irregularly recurring condition since puberty. Currently I have been dead for about four years. Admittedly, this is not the longest time that I have ever been dead. Still, it is a problem.
I worry that being dead adversely affects my personal growth in the long term. I feel as though I’m missing out on things. I am significantly less productive when I’m dead. Social opportunities are limited. Furthermore, I now find myself at a career impasse, partially because of the difficulty of crafting a resume that minimizes the fact that I’m dead. At this rate, by the time I’m 60 years old, I will have been dead for about 25 years. This is frankly unacceptable.
In the past, the condition has seemingly resolved itself eventually, but I have no clue if and when this may happen. It could easily be years before I’m not dead anymore. The whole process is frustratingly unpredictable.
Therefore, I have been contemplating whether it might be possible to somehow master death– to actively encourage myself to not be dead anymore. It is an audacious undertaking, I realize. I sense that I am tampering in God’s domain, meddling with forces beyond my control, pursuing secrets that Man was not meant to know. This is all to the good; in the past, personal melodrama has been one of the most reliable indicators of my not being dead. But I need more.
I need to grasp the reins of my Destiny, wrest control of my Fate away from Death. I need to Capitalize words for maximum dramatic Effect, until Somebody tells me to Stop. More practically, I need to shake myself out of my state of complacency. Motivation is a serious problem when you’re dead. Perhaps a change of routine or diet is in order.
Something has to change. I can’t just keep on being dead like this. There’s too much life out there! Or so I have heard. Anyway, the years of my youth have been wasted in death, and I really need to stop being dead before I get any older. Somehow I need to figure out what the source of the problem is and how to solve it. When I’m gone, I want people to say more of me than: “He was dead.”