Heh. I make popcorn at home when I’m feeling like a snack and am too virtuous to eat potato chips. However, I always, always think of it as cop porn.
And why, yes, indeed, I do like a man in uniform…
Just this morning …
I work for a radio station, and we’re in eastern Colorado, and road crews are just about ragged with all the snow we’ve gotten in the past month. But as I went to work this morning – another 5 a.m. breakfast, in the studio by 5:30, tired after shoveling snow most of the night just so I could get to work – I noticed that the state, county and city crews had worked through the night. Result: The city streets were not just plowed, but the main thoroughfares were clean and sanded. I was simply amazed. In addition, city crews had worked through the night to replace the frozen water meter that supplies our radio station, thus guaranteeing that we had hot coffee first thing this morning.
The guy who runs these crews is named Jim Allen, and he is just tireless – plus, his public works crews all love the guy and would do anything for him. So, the morning show host and I were talking on the air this morning about all of this, and I tried to give Jim (a friend of our family’s for many years) kudos for the job he and his guys had done over the weekend, but it came out all wrong. Instead of saying (as I intended) “It’s like Jim Allen waved a magic wand and everything just happened,” what I actually said was, “I think Jim Allen’s like the snow fairy …” and just stopped, unable to comprehend what I’d just said. The morning guy – Andy – paused two beats and said, “Well, that’s probably the first time anybody’s called Jim a fairy – can’t wait to hear what he calls you next time he sees ya’.” Right to commercial.
On Wednesday morning, the mayor will be in the studio for his weekly talk set. His guest? Jim Allen, of course. Oh, I can’t wait. (Yes, I can.)
I can’t even begin to tell you some of the stoopid crap that’s come out of my mouth over the years. One that sticks out, though, was when I was in my early 20’s, I used a phrase whenever a colleague or friend would buy something extravagant. I would say in the smartassyiest tone i could muster, “Well who died and left you a fortune!!!”
Well, one day a colleague was telling me that he and his wife were going on a long cruise to Hawaii. I retorted and he just looked at me oddly. Only later did I find out from his secretary that his father had died and left him a modest inheritance … which he decided to splurge on this luxury vacation.
Ugh. :smack: Ugh. :smack: Ugh.
Here’s one from my mom:
She had back surgery for a slipped disk. When she was coming to in the recovery room, there was a cleaning lady in there. This was a large black woman with some kind of hankerchief on her head. So my mom in her still drugged-out state says, “Hi, Aunt Jemima!”
The cleaning lady was not happy about this.
When I hadn’t known my boyfriend for very long, I was hanging out with him and his friend at their awful college apartment. I’m about four years older than they are, and now I realize I went to college when there was a lot more money just lying around for it. Also, I went to a fancy schmancy private women’s college, and they went to USC. Not the California one.
So they’re bitching and moaning about their loans, and I blurt out, honestly surprised, “People pay to go to a state school?”
When my sister came out of the anesthesia for her first c-section, she barfed on me. Your sister should consider herself lucky. 
I spent this past weekend with my boyfriend, including spending Saturday and Sunday nights at his place (gotta love three-day weekends). Yesterday we were getting ready to go see an IMAX movie at the local Air & Space museum, and right before we walked out the door I asked him, “Do you mind driving?” He gave me a funny look and said, “No…” I said, “Are you sure? Do you want me to drive?” He paused, gave me another look, and in an amused tone of voice said, “Your car isn’t here.”
Yeah, I’d completely forgotten that my car was back at my house. :smack:
In my defense it’s very rare for me to be without my car, but still … it shouldn’t have been hard to remember that he’d picked me up on Saturday!
In the '80s, a friend and I were walking down a street in either Marsaille or Toulon, France. We came upon a little business with a sign out front, The Vichy Cafe. My friend said, “Look, it’s the ‘We Sold Out To The Nazis’ Cafe.” I said something like, “Be careful, someone might hear you.” To which he replied, “What are they going to do? They’re French!”
But I’m like Nava - whenever I say somethin that sounds like it was unintentionally cruel, it’s usually just cruel on my part.
The stories about childbirth remind me of when my cousin was first born… I was probably 15 at the time. He was born three months premature and was the lightest (1.5 lbs) baby on record at the U of M Hospital. Needless to say, on the first day of his birth, things were very tense because it was unclear whether he was going to make it or not. I was sitting in the waiting room and my Grandma, also Grandma to her newborn grandchild (her second), came in to tell us how things were going. We weren’t allowed to visit him yet, she said, but she did have a picture.
She showed me the picture, and, given that this was a VERY premature baby, he was all red and tiny and strangely shaped with tubes sticking out of his body. Without thinking, I blurted, “Oh my god, he’s HIDEOUS!” in the middle of a full waiting room.
Thank god my aunt wasn’t around to hear that one.
(For those who care-- my cousin’s 8 now. And not hideous.)
And this is my husband’s gaffe.
He works at a research institute and was recently given a position with a little more responsibility than the other students his age – he has the authority to delegate tasks, for example.
One day his co-worker Haley made a comment about all the work he had for her to do.
His completely brainless response? “Yeah, I’m a real slave-driver today.”
Haley’s black.
I went to lunch yesterday with a gal, and she said we should do it again sometime. I told her that sounded good, and she asked if I wanted to go to the mexican restraunt in the town I work. Well, the name of the restaurant is “Viola’s”, but my buddies and I call it “Lolita’s”. So I said, “Sure, Lolita’s sounds good!” We had a good laugh after that one!
(Mods, if we’re not supposed to put the name of a restaurant, please edit, with my apologies)
I just finished reading this thread, and I think it cursed me. In my case it was what I didn’t-or momentarily couldn’t-say. I called my wife from work, and after a few minutes chatting, the subject of men taking their wives’ names when they got married came up. My wife mentioned hyphenated names, and I said “No, not hyphenated names, the man takes the woman’s last name. Like, I would be Dave…uh…um…duh…”. That’s right, I forgot my wife’s maiden name. I got it after about 30 seconds of listening to her go on and on; “I can’t believe you forgot my maiden name. I’m going to divorce you and take it back. Etc…”, but oh boy was that a stupid thing to not say. :smack: :smack:
On Halloween, Mrs. Nott worked late, so I was manning the door with a bowl of candy. I tied my charming, fluffy, little Lhasa Apso on a rope that let her get almost to the front door. Groups of costumed kids rang the bell and milled around holding up their bags. When one them would flinch at seeing little Layla dash up behind me, barking and wagging, I said, “Oh, don’t mind her. She’s only eaten two children this week.” Some wide-eyed children ran back down the driveway pretty quickly. :eek: