I seem to have a repulsive aura

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Reason #42 of why I am giving up dating: Women are not attracted to me.

It is very frustrating when people will start a relationship with you but then dump you somwhere along the line becasue they don’t really like you. Like they made some sort of gross error when they met you. And yet, they never explain why they aren’t attracted to you-they just aren’t. So you live your life trying to find out what it is about yourself that people don’t like. Is it a facial tic? Unsightly hair? One arm longer than the other? Who knows!

People have told me time and again that I am a ‘really sweet guy’ and they are surprised that women aren’t interested in me. I’m not clingy, but I’m not a control freak either. I’m not pushy or passive. Most of my peers consider me a decent person, mature, responsible and intelligent. But apparently women my age have a problem falling in love with someone like that. I still feel there is something about me or my personality that I’m not aware of, but that they are, that is off-putting. Problem is nobody is telling me this.

Its like spending your whole life with a piece of spinach stuck in your teeth. Everybody is aware of it but you. However nobody tells you why they are wincing/staring at you funny, you spend the whole time trying to figure out what’s wrong, but you never see it.

So what does fate have in store for a guy like me? Well, right now, I think that if people don’t like me, they can go fudge themsevles. No sense in being insecure about something I’m not even able to perceive.

2

Hmm … not a lot to go on to help you out here … Do you usually pick women of a certain “type”?

3

How old are you? What’s your favorite topic of conversation?

4

I’m 22. Currently I have a car, work two jobs, and have about one year left to finish my Bachelor’s degree.

As far as conversation, I enjoy intellectual conversations, but I avoid excessive jargon in my conversation. I’ve learned that if a person is too ‘wordy’ at times, it can make the other person feel kind of dumb by not understanding everything. So I try to keep things a little light and humorous. I try to avoid talking excessively about myself, never bring up past relationships unless asked, try to avoid talking too much about anything for too long. Basically, I try to avoid boring the other person.

As far as type goes, I tend to enjoy the company of women who are mature, confident, and honest. I like people who feel comfortable being themselves. I’m not that picky about age (18+) but maturity is very important to me.

The frustrating thing is that I would figure that by hanging around women who are honest, mature, and confident, some of my insecurities (such as my body type, or how much money I make) wouldn’t matter to them.

One factor I worry about is the fact that I still live at home. I really feel like that’s a deal-breaker for a lot of women, that I must be a ‘mommas boy’ or something. Listen, if I could afford to live by myself right now I would. As it is presently, I have a very generous family, who are more than willing to help me out. I get along pretty well with my family, so living at home isn’t unbearable at all-in fact right now its great (financially). Sometimes I feel that people judge people who live at home socially (like they are too socially inept to take care of themselves) and don’t really consider the financial aspects.

5

Well, you sound pretty great to me. Course, I’m taken. :slight_smile:

Seriously, you’re 22 and in college. It completely makes sense that you’re living at home right now. (If you were 37, that’d be another issue.) If you get the vibe that these girls/women are dumping you because you’re living at home, then your companions of choice may be a bit shallow.

Also, I hate to break it to you, but if you are strictly dating eye candy AND you’re getting the “why don’t you have your own place” vibe, then I can pretty much guarantee that the girls you are dating ARE shallow. (That’s not to say that every hot toddie you meet is shallow, but as a society we base the way we treat people on their looks, so someone perceived as more attractive than the norm tends to become high-maintenance over time.)

Of course, this is all a WAG, since I don’t really know you. But be assured, Incubus, we are not all like that. But we’re not perfect, either. Women are people too. :slight_smile: Don’t let yourself get bitter about women; that IS a big turnoff.

6

That is a very good point, skeptic. Perhaps this has to do with the women I am interested in. I think maturity is very important, because I’ve dated some very immature people and was very put off by emotional drama/passive-agressiveness that many of them had towards me.

7

Well, I’m willing to offer a WAG (being a single male myself, so take it FWIW). You seem to work hard at pleasing the girl, which is good. But what I’m missing in your description is JuanitaTech asked for: what are your real interests? Of course you shouldn’t bore someone, but quite a lot of girls seem to like it if you can talk about a specific subject with passion and enthousiasm. Naturally you should still be open for the reactions of you companions, and be able to relativize the importance of the subject with a little ironical remark or so, but having your own interests is a good thing.

Maybe women see it as a sign of your ability to dedicate yourself or get passionate on something. The way you describe yourself, you still seem a bit bland, if you don’t mind me saying so. Of course, given your age, you will not yet have had the chance to have many individualizing experiences. Possible you should put some effort in getting to be your own person and reasonably happy on your own terms first.

All this is IMHO of course. I hope I haven’t offended you, I really don’t want that. I’m just giving you the impression you make when I read your posts in this thread.

8

Good point, Tusculan. Also, by being a bit more forward about his own interests, Incubus could tell whether those were shared (or potentially shared) interests.

One point I almost forgot: Pay more attention to how a woman treats others than how she treats you (at first, at least). It’s a reliable indicator of how you will end up getting treated. (I realize this may or may not be applicable in your case, but it’s a good rule of thumb.)

9

Well, I’d say you already know the answer to your problem. Maturity. You’ve used the word or a variation of it, four times already.

I remember when I was 22. I wasn’t interested in being mature. I wanted to go out, have fun, do stupid things and basically have a good time. If you’re mature and looking for something a little more than goofing off (and I’m not saying you are), then maybe you need to reconsider the type of girl you’re dating. Maybe you need to date women who have matured somewhat.

10

First, you don’t have a repulsive aura, okay?

But you do seem awfully cautious, for lack of a better word. Trying too hard to not bore someone can also be boring, so you may as well risk boring someone with something that interests you.

I know you’ve got another thread about living with your parents, but since you mention it here as well: At your age, and in your circumstances, it’s not that big a deal - BUT it is another reflection of your ‘aura’, in that it’s also very cautious. Cautious isn’t necessarilly repulsive, but it might be a problem if you’re not attracted to women who like cautious men.

Another factor: You mentioned being in love with someone who thinks of you as a sibling. Being in love with someone else can be a major deal breaker. You may not go on about it directly, but it implies that you’re not really available emotionally, and most women can pick up on that.

11

Hi Incubus. (For your situation, an interesting choice of name!)

Let me just chime in here to say, dude, cut yerself some slack! You’re 22. Which, I realize, probably seems ancient to you (“Hey I’m over 21, I have hair on my crotch, I must be an Adult - read:I’m a fully mature man an inch away from having grey hair!”) but methinks you’re a little young yet to be worrying so. So lighten up. :^)

However, I can understand youre frustration, and I sympathize. I’ve never been a Dating Machine. I usually had serial-girlfriends, one at a time!, and usually few an far between, (multi-year dry-spells) all the way into my 30s. Until one particularly bad break up.

It wasn’t until that break up occured that I realized that for all these years, I had been dating disfunctionals. Or to put it more on my side, I had what I called the Knight In Shining Armor Syndrome. (I’LL rescue you and prove that all men are not jerks!) I’d meet some seemingly nice girl with some “problem” or other, and, being the sympathetic/empathetic (or maybe just pathetic!) guy I am, would get suckered into their demented (or at least issue-laden) little world. (Oh the crap we get ourselves into just for good sex!)

When it finally got to the point that I almost lost my job because of some stupid-shit thing I did on behalf of My GF, I finally was forced to re-evaluate myself and the type of women I had been dating all these years, and there I realized the pattern. I’d just been picking loosers to go out with.

It was amazingly shortly after that bad break up and re-evaluation that I met the woman who eventually became my wife. We’ve been together 12 years now (I’m 44, she’s, well, let’s just say she’s in her 50s) and couldn’t be happier.

It’s good that you are looking at yourself and doing a reality check. It means you’re sensitive and you care. And it’s good you’re looking for secure, mature women. But dude, you ain’t gonna find many secure, mature women in their early 20s. (Oh God, here comes the flak, DUCK!) And like others said, don’t kick yerself for living at home, consider yourself lucky you an your folks get along well enough for that to be while you finish college.

But, FWIW, you might want to take a good look at the type of women you date or are attracted to. One of life’s little gotchas seems to be that the one’s you are attracted to aren’t necessarily the one’s you SHOULD be attracted to, or the one’s you should be around. Try not to act to desparate, relax, don’t be in too much a hurry, and date different types. (Different from the types you’ve BEEN dating) Sooner or later, something will click. (SHE’ll prolly know before YOU will) Have patience, Grasshoppah! When you stop looking, you will find.

12

Incubus,

22yrs is still young given we are going to live to be 100+ barring catastrophes. Grow up and enjoy yourself. Serial relationships are a good thing. My sister (34) and myself (37) didn’t find our husbands until we were over 24 (just dated a few men). My Brother just turned 30 and finally proposed to his GF. However he had 5 GF in the past 10 yrs. Know yourself and become happy with yourself. Finish that degree, get a full-time job in your major interest, develop a hobby, date for fun not for “forever” and lo and behold-you may find a soul mate.

13

That is very comforting to know. The more time that passes for me, the more I’m able to sense “I like this person so far, but I can tell it probably will not work out” I’m starting to see red flags in their behavior very early on.

Some people’s stories are very reassuring. Right now I’m going through a very uncertain phase in my life emotionally- I’m looking at my own habits and behaviors and trying to figure out whether or not they are ‘normal’.

A lot of people in the world can be very shallow. Sometimes I feel like I’m being judged based on my domestic and relationship status

14

This might be the problem. Your avoidance of “jargon” because it makes the other person feel dumb is nonsense. The impression that you are giving off is that I am talking down to you because you are an inferior mind.

Sometimes people of high intelligence have a hard time dealing with social and political issues because there is no binary solution to them. People who spend their academic lives focusing on these issues are just as intelligent as computer scientists and engineers.

My best advice would be to take a course in Philosophy or English or Public Speaking and expand your horizons. Take it seriously. Imagine you were Henry V and had to make the St. Crispans speech. Could you find a better way to inspire your troops?

Be comfortable discussing other things than what might be appealing to you. Don’t ever assume that the women you date are “feeling dumb”. More than 50% of Law SchoolStudents are female. Approx. 50% of Med students are female. They are obviously intelligent. Why aren’t you appealing to them?

15

Maybe work on your confidence a bit? There is a fine line between being confident and being arrogant, so be careful, but be confident. I always figure if a girl doesn’t like me, that’s her problem, I am a decent guy. So tell yourself every day … I am a good person, if someone doesn’t like me then they are either short-sighted people I don’t want to be involved with, or they just don’t know me well enough.

16

I love giving advice! I’ll chime in with a couple of other folks: You’re making yourself bland by trying not to offend your date. From your description of yourself, you’re a cool guy!

Find those things you’re REALLY interested in. Talk about them with enthusiasm. If your date runs, she’s not the girl for you (these aren’t the droids you’re looking for…). When you have a date who says “You like that stuff? Me too!” then you’ll be rolling.

Note that “date” doesn’t mean you’re taking someone out and paying for dinner, necessarily. It could just be talking after class or something.

Example: When I met my wife (our first date), we were talking about general sorts of stuff when I mentioned my son. “He’s the light of my life” I said. She said “you like kids?” and pulled out pictures of her three and said “The only thing as important to me as my kids is my art” (she’s a painter). I asked her to marry me on the spot. It only took us 6 weeks to get everything arranged and we’ve been married for 10 years–she still paints, I still play music and we’ve adopted 2 kids together.

17

Please go to this site and test for your Aura color, you will see that none are repulsive.
You never know, you might find something neat about yourself that you never thought about.
Please go to the site below for fun about your Aura Color:

http://quizilla.com/users/azuremariposa/quizzes/What%20Is%20Your%20True%20Aura%20Colour%3F/

I am RED, tell us what your’s is, ok? :smiley:

18

Incubus,

And other men who can’t seem to find women who like them. Speaking as a woman (I don’t have a lot of choice in the matter!), I can definitely say that there IS such a thing as being too nice. (And, no, I’m not some teeny-bopper who likes bad boys - I’m 47 years old and have had many relationships, some long term, some short.) When a guy always leaves everything up to the woman, it doesn’t necessarily come across as being considerate - it comes across as not caring enough to be bothered to express an opinion. “Whatever you want” can come across as “whatever,” which is about as dismissive as it gets.

Don’t be afraid to express a negative opinion, especially if it’s coupled with a positive one. “This dress is okay, but I liked the red one you wore the other night better - that was great!” beats the hell out of “yeah, you look fine, whatever” in my book any day! I know that’s a shallow example, but regardless of how bright a woman is, most of us like the idea that a man notices and appreciates the way we look.

In short, there’s a lot of miles between easy-going and indifference, but what you think is one may come across as the other. YMMV, of course.

Good luck!

19

How about this.

I’m 23, nearing 24. I’ve come to the conclusion that most women our age (most of the ones I’m attracted to anyway) just want to have fun right now. And they don’t want to have fun with the nice, stable, intelligent guys like us. They want to have fun with the looker whose daddy has money. That’s not a knock on any of the ladies here who happen to be my age, that’s just how it is as I see it.
People like us are not the sort of people that most young women want to date, we’re the ones that they want to marry. And here’s the kicker: stick an “eventually” after that. Because they understand that they’ve got time to get being young out of their systems before they have to settle down, get married, and have a family. We are the long term solution. As my friend says (just change the genders in the quote) “she may not be Miss Right, but she could be Miss Right Now”.

This is why I personally have trouble finding anybody. Now that I’m out of school, I never meet any women (I work with a lot of contractors and such, not very many females in the field). And my experience has taught me that women who know me aren’t attracted at first (for the most part), but become so over time. Huh, what the hell. So I guess I don’t make a good first impression.
[/cynicism]
Then again, maybe you just ain’t found the right woman.
Try finding some 18-year olds and saying “hey baby, I’ve got a car, and a job”. I should be set, I’ve got two cars and my own house. Maybe it’ll work better for you than it has for me.