I should be really happy, but instead....

The BBQ Pit
1

I am very sad and angry.

Background- I just found out I am pregnant again, and I am ecstatic! Our son will be 2 in October, and I have really been looking forward to having another baby. I am kind of a spaz when I get excited, but I’m really very happy.

Until I phone my best friend with the news, that is. An incredibly surreal conversation follows-

After several minutes of happy, animated discussion of BF’s plans to buy some land & build a house

Me: I have some news! Guess what?

BF: (pause) You’re not.

Me: (thinking I must have misheard) Yes! I’m pregnant! I’m so excited!

BF: (longer pause) Well, if that’s what you want, then I guess I’m happy for you (sounding anything but)

Me: (after a long, puzzled pause, I decide to plunge ahead)Well, it is, and I’m very happy! I can’t believe we got lucky so soon!

BF: Well, I just started my period today.

Me: Oh bummer. But hey, if you need any extra tampons, I have some now! Ha ha!

BF: Well, like I said, whatever (very cold indeed)

To cut this too-long dialog short, it turns out that she has been trying to get pregnant for a few months, which is news to me, and she is my best friend. I kind of wish she’d mentioned it at some point… So, my pregnancy is offensive to her and she feels I am rubbing it in her face by being happy. In fact, I probably did this on purpose just to hurt her. Also, she informs me that if I think another baby will make me happy and solve my probelms, then I am wrong.

WHAT?!?

Where did all the venom come from? I know she doesn’t care for my husband, but it has never come up like this. Sure, our marriage isn’t all flowers and candy, but we love each other and are committed to this journey we are on, especially now that we have hostages :smiley: !

What is your major malfunction? Do you really think that I would go so far as to get pregnant just to spite you? Are you out of your fucking mind? Or is this not about me at all? Is it that my husband doesn’t approve of you growing pot in your house with two kids and won’t come over, so you think he’s a dick, and now you’re taking it out on me by telling me that my marriage sucks and a baby won’t help? Or that I work full time and can’t come over & visit with you and the kids at the drop of a hat so you think I’m mean?

Whatever. The fact is that I would never, ever, make a judgement on her life, especially not to her face. I only feel ok venting here because she doesn’t post or lurk.

This may seem trivial to some people, but I am really hurt. I have known this woman since high school (17 years), and we have been through a lot together, especially before I got sober 10 years ago. I’m so pissed, but I can’t even work up a good rant, besides why should I stoop to the level of picking apart someone’s life in a cruel, negative way?

pout

2

She’s just poison jealous. Not only are you pregnant, but you apparently did it without even trying. “It’s not fair…”

She’ll either get over it, or she won’t. Either way, it’s not your problem.

But, my sincerest felicitations! :smiley: You are going to have SUCH a good time, with a Two and a new baby.

Sign me,

BEEN THERE AND BACK THREE TIMES

:smiley:

3

People dealing with infertility are often out of their minds with jealousy and grief :(. It sucks, it’s unfair and your friend needs a good kick up the arse and a re-organisation of her reality check. If she’s only been trying a few months and she really is infertile, then well, she’s massively over-reacting.

"Cause yeah, it’s really easy to feel that everybody in the world is having babies just to spite you but on some level we all do know that is crap. I once had a panic attack in the supermarket because every woman but me was pregnant.

I’m sorry this happened.

4

Waitaminute . . . She’s already GOT two kids, and she’s mad at you for getting pregnant quick before she could, again? Steer clear of this babe, I don’t care how long you’ve known her.

5

Plus the OP said she’d been trying to get preg for “a few months”. I agree with Eve. I’d steer clear unless one hell of an apology was forthcoming. It sounds like the two of you have issues that go way beyond babies.

Zette

6

It’s called “projection.” She doesn’t want to admit that she’s got problems, so she sees them in you.

That sucks. It’s also not what I thought you were going to post as the nasty response you mentioned in your other thread. I was expecting something more like, “So, was this one planned, or just an accident?”

We got that one with our second pregnancy (our kids were born 14 months apart…). And yes, it was planned. As my wife pointed out, she wasn’t getting younger by the second, and we knew we wanted a second one, so as soon as we got the green light, we went for it.

Which also pissed off some friends and family members who had been trying to get pregnant for several years. The friends ended up adopting a couple Indian children, and the family members had twins through in vitro fertilization, so it’s all good.

Anyway. Mazeltov!

7

I could understand her feeling pretty crappy about her own situation upon hearing your news, but this is mitigated by a few things. She didn’t tell you she was trying, so how the hell were you supposed to know there was any need to tread lightly with your news? Also, seconding what Eve said-- she’s already got two kids and she’s bitter about you expecting? I just don’t get that. I mean, I admit I haven’t tried for kids yet but I really don’t understand that attitude.

Finally, no matter how crummy she might feel, she had no right to tear into you. She actually accused you of doing it on purpose to hurt her? Please! I was in quite a funk when a good friend of mine got engaged a few years ago, because it made me realize just how alone I was at the time. There was tension here and there, because it was hard for me to keep smiling all the time and she knew it, because she knows me really well. But I never, ever pulled this kind of blatant “It’s all about me, how dare you be happy” kind of tantrum on her. Despite my personal frustration I knew her engagement had zero to do with me.

Have you talked to her since this happened? I’m wondering if she’ll apologize.

8

Wow!

I’m so so sorry to hear that. What I’m hoping is that her reaction is just pent-up emotion. She’s on her period and she’s been apparently feeling awful about this. Maybe she just exploded and will come to seriously regret this.

But don’t feel guilty in anyway. If she didn’t tell you about it, then there’s no way you could have miraculously known about it. I hope your friend comes to her senses.

9

Congratulations!

I am also puzzled as to why she’s so upset if she already has two kids. Are they not her own? I could see her jealousy as understandable if she had not yet given birth. If those two kids are hers, she’s way out of line. I think maybe you should confront her about her animosity. If she still acts like a biznatch, steer clear until she comes crawling back to you.

10

Yeah, they’re her kids, so who knows.

I did get a snarky email from her that didn’t do much to improve things. I tried to be nice and to come from a good place, but I did let her know how hurt and angry I was. The funny part? In this email, she really wants me to get over myself, because she’s is under incredible stress and she needs me & loves me.

Huh?

I have no clue what’s going on. I told her that I would try to simmer down and call her in a few days, but I have no idea what I’ll say…

11

Oh shit, I am soooooooooo gonna get flamed . . .

12

A: This could be just a simple case of hormones on both sides, or
B: This could be a control/manipulative thing

I don’t really know but if I had a friend like that, I would wonder.

13

First of all, congratulations on hitting the bell and winning the cigar. We have two younger kids born about 18 months apart, and while it’s hell for about the first two years, once they get old enough, they each have someone to play with and your job becomes much easier!

As for your friend, it’s up to decide if you want to continue the friendship. It sounds like it’s teetering on the brink anyway. That’s the way it goes, sometimes. Friends grow in different directions and move on, and sometimes percipitating a break over something is easier than saying goodbye. You may wish to ask what you’re getting out of her friendship, and if it’s worth going through these bumps.

With that attitude, it may become easier to talk to her frankly about what her attitude is doing to you. You may feel better for it.

Just my very uninformed two centimes.

14

Of course it’s fucking difficult for her. I can understand her not being able to summon loads of enthusiasm right away.

But she needs to get her head out of her ass and apologize. She can certainly offer the understandable excuse of being disappointed about her own fertility concerns, but then she needs to offer her sincere congratulations and a sincere apology for not being the friend she claims she is.

I’ve been there a coupla times–not on pregnancy, but on other things. One example: I’d just broken up with a guy (make that, he dumped me without warning) when my best friend called to say she got engaged to the guy she’d met at the same party, same night, as I’d met my ex. Her fiance and my ex worked together; we’d done everything together, and our relationships were on the same trajectory time-wise. Except for the dumping me part, of course. I did a half-assed job sounding happy. Understandable. I later sent her an email to apologize for being such a selfish fuck that I couldn’t give her the screaming shrieking Tell-Me-All-About-The-Ring! congratulations that she’d expect from me as her friend. I later went out of my way to make it up to her, because I knew the kind of reaction I’d expect from a friend when I phoned with good news, and regretted not being able to offer it to my own friend.

Your friend is wallowing in her own self-pity–the phone call shittiness is almost excusable. The email is not. I’d be pissed and bummed if I were you.

Let me say what she didn’t: Congratulations on what is an ecstatic bit of news!

15

Crikey. With the friends some people accept, who needs enemies?

There just must be something attractive about psycho jerks that I don’t see.

16

Well, here’s a classic.

BF calls me yeaterday and tells my voicemail “happy birthday.” Totally normal, like nothing’s going on. Then today, she calls me at work, and just starts chatting away.

Huh?!?

I am floored, and stumble along in the conversation for a few minutes while I try to figure out what the hell to say. Finally, after I have commiserated with her about her life, her bills, her woes, etc, I say to her that I’m sorry for my part of what has been going on. She answers, “yes, I know” and that’s it! Apparently, she felt that it was all my fault, and that she had nothing to apologize for!

I got off the phone without saying anything of substance, because I hate making amends and I didn’t want to say or do anything I would have to apologize for later. And before anybody flames me, her conduct should have nothing to do with mine, you know? Just because someone is an asshole, it doesn’t give me the right to flame 'em. There is nothing worse than having to apologize to someone you don’t like or are really pissed at.

So now I’m just stumped. Drastic, I really don’t usually surround myself with psychos (that was my former lifestyle) but I suppose I should look very hard at this.

Oh crap, what a mess. Pathetic, really. I almost wish I could just bitch-slap her and move on, but I guess I’m not there yet. Maybe a couple more inappropriate cracks or deliberately hateful comments will do it.

PS- pesch, thanks for the classic Ann Landers/Dear Abby advice- am I better off with this person or without? Amazing how something so common-sense can slip the mind.

And Cranky? Thanks, I love reading your posts and respect what you say.