I think my friend is pregnant, but she's in denial. How can I be a better friend?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I have this very close female friend who is 39 and painfully single. She really, really wants to settle down and have kids, but seems to be far too choosey when it comes to guys. She has even talked about having a child on her own if she can’t find a partner by the time she turns 40.

Over Xmas she visited family in the US and had a drunken hook up with a guy she met through a dating site. Even though she’s got a contraceptive implant and they used condoms, I really think that what happened in Vegas didn’t stay there this time.

Here’s the evidence that makes me think her wishes may be about to come true:
First the gory one. (Did I mention we’re close?) Well she told me a week after the hook up that she was having a period, her first one since getting the implant over 18 months ago. But she also said it was much lighter than what she used to have and little more than some light spotting. My wife and I have had 3 kids so I instantly thought ‘implantation bleeding’.

Now for the more mundane. She’s going to the gym every day, but still putting on weight, mainly on her belly when she’s always had a flat stomach. Most of her clothes are starting to feel tight on her as a result. Every single day she moans to me about how tired and hungry she is. On saturday she actually mentioned that she was tired, hungry and feeling sick in the same sentence and the penny still didn’t drop. Plus she’s even moodier than ever.

Add all of those up and I think it’s time to go pee on a stick. Which I suggested in a slightly more tactful way several weeks ago. But boy is she in denial. She told me in no uncertain terms that she can’t possibly be pregnant as there were 2 forms of birth control in use. (!) plus she’s a woman and therefore she knows her body better than any man would and she would know if she was pregnant. That put me in my place and was clearly the end of the matter as far as she’s concerned. She made it clear that the subject is now closed. I did say she’s moodier than ever?

As she doesn’t normally have periods due to the implant, the major warning sign isn’t there. But there are enough other signs to surely suggest it’s a possibility?

Part of me thinks that she is probably fully aware at some subconscious level. But she’s also probably aware that this could well be her last chance to have a kid and she’s burying her head in the sand so that she doesn’t have to make a difficult decision. If she can pretend it’s not happening for a little bit longer, it will be too late to do anything about it.

Which is fine, it’s her choice after all. But I feel like such a fraud at the moment. We’re planning activities for later this year which, if I’m right, are just not going to happen. And there’s only so much moaning about not having children that I can listen to without wanting to say something!

So what should I do? Should I keep trying to drop hints and hope she works it out? Or wait a few more months until she’s as big as the elephant that’s already in the room?

On the practical side I’m trying to make sure she eats healthily and doesn’t drink much when she hangs out with me. If she needs to go for a dental x-ray anytime soon I will have to say something though.

If she is pregnant, then I want the best for her and her unborn child. So I really don’t want her to do anything dangerous or stupid just because she’s in denial. I would feel really bad if she did and I hadn’t said anything. But I tried to talk about it and she ended the discussion. Should I just carry on as I am? Making sure that she avoids the obvious dangers as best I can and wait for her to admit it to herself?

2

You’ve raised the subject. Now drop it.

3

I would tell her that you really feel like she’s showing signs of pregnancy, and suggest taking a test once more. Then let it go.

There’s only so much you can do. It’s nice that you want to help her, but you can’t force someone to face something if they’re not ready. Eventually time will tell if you’re right.

4

I don’t have too many ideas on this one, but the mindset is fascinating. If she’s so desirous of a child, I’d think she’d be leaping at the chance that this might be a pregnancy. Fascinating. I’ve written about women in denial about their pregnancies but that was when the characters didn’t want to be pregnant. This is a new one on me.

Anyway, my advice would be: if she keeps complaining about not feeling well in another couple of weeks, suggest she see a doctor. Don’t bring up the pregnancy if that’s such a verboten topic – unexplained weight gain and exhaustion are perfectly legit reasons to go to a doctor; who knows, maybe she has a thyroid issue.

But other than doing that, I don’t think you’ve got many other choices. Still any friend would suggest a doctor visit, man or woman, so there’s nothng wrong with that if she isn’t feeling better soon.

5

I was in denial.
My friend asked me to stop by her house on the way home from work because she needed my help with something.
I walked in, she handed me the test and pointed to the bathroom.

6

So your evidence is

  1. She had some light spotting even though she is on a contraceptive and has not had a period in a while

  2. She is gaining weight, moody and complaining of being tired and hungry

Considering that she is using two highly reliable methods of birth control, she is most likely not pregnant. Unusually light bleeding is very common for anyone on hormonal contraceptive: “Irregular bleeding is the most common side effect for women using Implanon. Organon, the manufacturer of Implanon, advises that you should expect your periods to be irregular and unpredictable throughout the time you are using the birth control implant. For many women, periods become fewer and lighter, and in time, they may stop altogether.”

Also, approximately one billion other things could cause someone to gain weight and be tired and hungry. Thyroid as mentioned above is a good thought, as is a mood disorder, or rarely the medication in Implanon itself.
You seem really sure that she is pregnant, to the point of monitoring her diet and being upset that activities you planned will not occur as scheduled. I don’t believe you are justified in your assumptions.

7

I’m not a woman - or a doctor, but I really don’t see the denial here. Women do often have very infrequent periods on iud/mirena/whatever.

But the chances of getting pregnant while on both an IUD and using condoms are ridiculously small.

Women get fat. So do men.

Maybe she’s bitchy cause she’s getting fatter.

Do you really think making sure she doesn’t drink to much while she’s with you is doing anything for this imagined fetus? I mean how often is she with you - and she still drinks?

Maybe you know more about her mental state than you wrote (well you probably do of course) - and I am not trying to be a dick, but it doesn’t seem obvious to me.

I think you have certainly fulfilled any moral obligation you have - plenty of kids have been born to moms who drank, smoke, whatever - and turned out fine. Not suggesting it - but it isn’t like it is the end of the world.

However - I think if she is complaining about not having kids - you are more than within your rights to bring it up as often as she complains - if nothing more than for comedic effect.

If she really has this secret wish - I doubt she’d be drinking (assuming she is aware of the dangers and wouldn’t if she KNEW she was pregnant).

8

Christmas was just two months ago. I thought it took another month or two longer than that for women to put on enough weight for it to be obvious they’re pregnant?

9

When you said “contraceptive implant” I assumed it was implanon. I realize that you could have meant an IUD or the Depo-Provera shot. Regardless, they are all really effective.

10

That’s the part I’ve struggled to understand. Why if she wants a child so badly would she refuse to even consider the possibility? The best I can come up with is what I said about her not having to face a difficult choice until it’s too late and she has to keep the child.

I’ll give it a few more weeks and then suggest a drs visit. We’re supposed to be training together for a sporting challenge this year, but I’m finding it hard to stay enthusiastic when it looks like we’ll have to cancel. I feel like I’m being dishonest.

11

Again, unless there is info you’re not telling us, it seems premature to think you’ll “have to cancel.” In all likelihood from the story you have given she is not pregnant.

12

Everyone is different, but I got pregnant around that time and you can tell on me. You probably wouldn’t guess if you weren’t looking for it, but if your clued in, it’s pretty obvious that my breasts have doubled in size and my belly has a characteristic shape. While I think it’s unlikely that she’s pregnant, I think her breasts would give it away before her stomach. Lots of things can make your stomach big, but it’s rare for breasts to balloon up like that.

13

That’s the one. The implant in her arm.
Maybe I’m biased as I was conceived despite my mother having a coil fitted and the use of condoms! I know just from being here that no method is 100% effective.

Or maybe I’m just looking for any excuse to get out of doing a triathlon!

But this is one situation where time really will tell. I promise to let you all know one way or the other in the next few months. Even if I have to admit that I was wrong in front of the entire Internet.

14

-Keep joking that she must be pregnant, until she gets annoyed enough that you can bet her 10 bucks, and you’ll pay for the pee-stick.

  • She may be in semi-denial, but she may really just want the privacy to decide what she wants to do about it.

-Take her at face value and wait a month; you and she will know for sure by then.

And yeah, ditto the ‘boobs show immediately’ sign. Yeah, I showed immediately all over, but it was my boobs that gave it away.

15

She’s my best friend and I think of her like an extra sister. I am not going to start staring at her breasts!
That said, we played squash a couple of weeks ago and she had to buy a new sports bra in the next cup size up.

16

We joke that if I was an american indian, my 3 kids [if I had carried to term] would have been named ‘Ortho Novum Don’t Work’, ‘Ortho Novum Don’t Work, Rubber Broke’ and ‘You Have Got To Be Shitting Me, I Had My Tubes Tied 10 Years Ago’

Short of an hysterectomy, ANY form of birth control can fail. [and yes, I was taking the pill properly at the time, and wasn’t doing any other drugs like antibiotics.]

17

So, I’m not sure of the math on this, but at the low end Implanon has a 97% success rate, and condoms at the low end have 71% success rate. * That means that Implanon has a 3% failure rate and condoms have a 29% failure rate. I believe that to calculate the failure rate of these two methods combined, you should multiply them (although, I could be wrong, please correct me if I am). .03x.29 = .0087. That means that these combined BC methods have a .87% failure rate. This means that if a 100 women used these two methods combined for one year, .87% of them would become pregnant. The likelihood of one woman becoming pregnant after one encounter is even lower, I imagine.

So yes, short of not having a uterus pregnancy is always possible. However, the odds are overwhelmingly against her being pregnant in this situation.

*All my numbers are from here:Birth Control Effectiveness Rates and Comparison

18

I’m in agreement with the “don’t think you are correct about this” camp for all the reasons previously stated - plus - first pregnancies don’t usually show in the tummy until much later. The abs haven’t been stretched apart before and really hold things in. I remember being anxious to see the evidence and get into maternity clothes with my first but had to wait 'til I was 5-5 1/2 months along. I do remember gaining significant weight when I went on BC pills in the '60s when the dosages were much higher. Maybe she is running higher hormone levels from the implant at this time for some reason. That would also account for the mood changes.

19

I remember joking with a friend (40+ year friendship, we are like sisters) that she must be pregnant, all the signs pointed to it. She kept adding more symptoms to the list and we laughed and laughed. About fifteen minutes into the conversation I realised that she was starting to freak out. If indeed she was up the duff (and it was looking practically certain by that point) it would not be a good thing - despite having two lovely kids already.

I changed the subject and we have never spoken of it since, not even to joke about ‘getting the visit from Aunt Flo’ that would have been natural between us and a kicker ending for a funny situation.

I don’t know if she was just late or took care of things, and it’s not my business to know.

Maybe, now that you’ve said your piece, it’s time to back off and just not know unless she chooses to share with you.

20

Gestalt - your math is correct - those numbers are the chances of a couple being pregnant after using that method for a year. Obviously lower in her case and age.

I am not doubting anyones story - and am not trying to be a wet blanket, but I think many - when they hear stories like:

My mom used both a condom and an IUD
I was on the pill and have three kids (which is not the first time I’ve heard this - I know someone else with three kids that was on the pill)

Find it more likely that someone is pulling our leg (or yours).

I don’t get how someone gets pregnant three times on the pill - after the second time - you are dealing with ~ 0.0009% chance of this happening. Seems more likely maybe someone is exaggerating their perfect use - or the pill isn’t working for them. Why continue to take it?

Not suggesting you are lying - I’ve thought highly of your posts aruvqan - I’m just curious