- shakes *
Now up high! Now down low! 
I wouldn’t be too hard on grandma. Maybe we are too suspicious and fearful of stepdads and momma’s boyfriends in the US, but grandma’s only known you for a short time (three years is a short time) and she’s going to be protective. Lord knows how many horror stories she’s seen on the news in that three years.
And think about what featherlou said --be mindful that she might develop a bit of a crush on you, or be jealous of her mom, who sleeps with you every night. You’ve never been an (almost) adolescent girl – they think about things you wouldn’t even imagine.
It’s not weird. She’s a little old, but there’s nothing creepy or “yucky” about it- either sleeping or kissing.
However, I understand what Gramdma is thinking too, she’s not crazy; just a little over protective.
Perhaps the three of you: daughter, Mom & Dad should discuss this?
The OP needs to think about what might be discussed outside the family unit, where perception is crucial.
If the girl mentions this matter to a friend, and that friend talks to her parents about it, noblebaron could well attract some unwelcome, if unwarranted, attention.
Being 6 and 8 years older than my bros, and since pretty much every time they woke up with nightmares was a night our parents had been out late, I’ve gone to sleep with one or more bros in my bed many times.
Last time I was 17, there was a bro on each side, and I didn’t get much sleep (I swear each Navabro has at least 8 elbows) but nothing untoward happened either, no.
They don’t seem any weirder than any of our sisterless cousins…
I don’t think a 10 year old should be sleeping with either parent. I don’t care if they’re scared or in an unfamiliar place (which this kid wasn’t). They need to learn how to deal with life, even if it is sometimes less than perfect and blissful. I am not accusing the OP of anything sinister, but I don’t see it as good parenting to oblige a kid every time they perceive something as scary or different. She needs to wake up and see that there was no monster under the bed plotting her demise. A simple bedtime chat (either before or after the kid gets in bed) is fine. I just don’t get why bedtime prep for a child that age should regularly include a touchy-feely-climb-in-bed-with-her headstroking session.
I used to be a “cuddly” child and I believe it lasted until third grade, which would put me at 10 years old (I believe). While I didn’t actually sleep with my parents, I would come into their room in the morning on weekends and lie between them. This stopped for some reason right around that age, but I don’t believe it has damaged me in any way and I look back upon the experience in only a positive light.
(bolding mine)
cite?
No, no, nonononononono. No. Thread titles need to be informative, and mouse-over tells us the rest we need to know. I hate this kind of misleading crap, like when you read the blurb on the back of the novel and it has virtually nothing to do with what the novel is actually about.
Maybe because your parents wanted to have sex once in a while. 
(I thought the same thing about your friend, auntie em - having your daughter push her bed up to yours would tend to put a crimp in your sex life.)
We used to tease Mary about that - she said her mother always claimed that Mary was the result of the ONE time her parents did the nasty (Mary’s dad was Mom’s 2nd husband - she had, I believe, 3 other (WAY older) kids with the first husband), and that it only happened as a result of Mary’s dad spiking her bedtime milk. :dubious:
I may have interpreted “occasionally” and “less and less” as more of a pattern than other people do. I am not accusing them of actually doing it “every” night. It’s a figure of speech. In my opinion the child is too old to be bunking with the parents in almost any situation.
Not only do I think you shouldn’t be in bed with this child, I don’t think you should be living in the same house until you marry her mother. You are not her step father. You are the person sleeping with her mother which gives you no rights at all. I am appalled that you think it is okay to be in this child’s life for three years, have sex with her mother, put her in YOUR bed without any legal commitment.
Just so you know I practice what I preach, I have a 7 years old daughter and a boyfriend. He spend a week at Christmas in my room while I shared a room with my daughter. It is called propriety and morals. Be married to the mother for three years and I may have a different opinion. For now, get the hell out of that little girls bed.
Foxy40, your opinion seems to be little out of touch with reality.
It sounds like for all intents and purposes, noblebaron is the closest thing this kid has to a Dad. It is great that a non-relative has taken on the role willingly. Many people do not do so.
Jim
While my :dubious: does, admittedly, rise up at the fact that you’re not actually married to her mother, I should get over that hangup – many of my unmarried-couple friends are nevertheless as close or closer than many married couples I know.
The fact that you’re not a blood relation, though? What the hell does that matter? If you’re a father you’re a father, regardless of whether she has your genetic code.
Speaking from a personal standpoint, up till I was about ten or eleven I’d crawl into bed with my parents on Sunday mornings and nap with them both. I remember reading the comics in the Sunday paper and drawing on the bottom of my dad’s foot with a ballpoint pen while Mom made breakfast. We don’t hug an awful lot but neither is hugging uncommon, and goodbye kisses are on the cheek or the lips, just quick dry pecks. I can’t imagine this being terrifically weird. Ten is on the edge of too old, but I wouldn’t consider it really shocking.
I don’t see what the problem is. Well, I do, but I disagree that it should be a problem. I see nothing wrong with being a cuddly family, I was kissing my mom and dad goodnight when I was 21, and I’m just fine. Well, I’m alright, anyway.
Good on you, noblebaron. Don’t let the attitudes of such as Kalhoun drag you down.
:rolleyes: And how old were you when you no longer slept with them?
For those of you defending the situation from the perspective “she was in an unfamiliar place, so it’s okay” I would like to point out the following from the OP:
So this was a matter of preference, not of being fearful.
I am a stepparent, a therapist, and have run support groups for stepparents many years. I know the frustration that comes from trying to create a bond with children who aren’t biologically yours while society looks on and tries to ferret out any inappropriateness. What you are doing definitely raises an eyebrow for me, on several levels. Let me see if I can outline my issues:
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She is ten years old. As others have pointed out, this is the edge of puberty, and there are a lot of things going on with her right now. It’s too easy for her to begin to blur the lines, regardless of your intention.
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Piggybacking on that… you were clear that in the past you or your fiancee would get into bed with her, stay for 15 minutes, then leave. She was NOT sleeping in the bed with you. That she chose to take this situation to the next level- even one that you and her mother had anticipated- when your fiancee was not around raises some questions.
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Trying to make up for a lack of a father puts you into a very strange place relationally, and implies that there was something wrong with her until you came into her life, or that you, as a male, can provide something that her mother can’t. This part especially:
implies that it takes an opposite sex parent to give safety and security. She didn’t feel safe or secure when she slept with her mother? I would imagine that if you took a poll, there would be a relatively small percentage of folks who slept with their opposite-sex parents past toddlerhood (outside of the examples already given- a Sunday-morning thing, or post-nightmare), and of those who didn’t you’ll probably find a good number who are pretty well-adjusted.
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You are not her father. You are not (technically, in the eyes of the law) her stepfather. Strangers on the street have about as much of a right to her as you do. This is extremely unfortunate, but it is reality. If someone decides they want to get a bug up their ass about this, it could end very badly for your family.
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There is nothing wrong with being a physically demonstrative family. But from society’s perspective you have a different situation from those with biological ties, and as a result you have to slightly modify your behavior. It doesn’t mean you have to make a huge deal out of avoiding the appearance of impropriety, or say to your stepdaughter “I CAN’T DO THAT! PEOPLE WILL TALK!!!” but rather do little things that show affection/offer safety and security that are less likely to raise concerns. That includes sitting up on her bed and stroking her forehead instead of laying down with her, or even (just to have more than one example) doing “Eskimo kisses” instead of on-the-lips ones.
Obligatory personal anecdote: My godson, bless his heart, is ten years old. All his life he has slept in the same bed as his single-parent mother. We’re not talking falling asleep in her bed then being moved to his own, or crawling into bed for quality Sunday-morning time. We’re talking about all night, every night. It was sort of cute when he was a toddler. It was understandable when they went through a big move and some drama regarding his biological father. It’s simply not right now, especially since he has been voicing some very odd ideas about his position in the household. But, as she says, it’s simply too difficult to deal with a screaming, crying 80 pound child at 10pm when he’s decided he’s going to stay where he is. His mom is a psych nurse; she knows the risks and the potential for misperception. Mr Kitty (also a therapist), she, and I have had long talks about this subject. Her lawyer has mentioned that this could be an issue in any custody battle that may arise, even though she’s his biological mother and there’s nothing going on.
The fact remains that as a society we have the perception that after a certain age kids sleep on their own, and things just aren’t likely to change in that department any time soon.
Incidentally, kudos to grandmom for not flying off the handle, accusing you of molestation, or making the situation out to be the Worst Thing She’s Ever Heard. That speaks highly of her perception of you.
Where is this “edge of puberty” thing coming from? The MEDIAN age of puberty in the US is 12.5. She’s very likely no more on the edge of puberty than a newborn is on the edge of skipping.
He has taken a role that he can chose to break at any time by picking up and walking out the door. If he wanted to be this child’s stepfather, he should have married her mother before he took on this role. Not that he couldn’t walk out in that case but at least there was a legal commitment and a legal obligation to parent this child.