I am Conan the Wonderkitty, ruler of all I survey. Right now, I want to survey your bedroom. Ah, I see that you have cleared the clutter off your dresser. Very good. I will survey your room while lying in the newly cleared space.
What is this? Your miniature Zen rock garden? This is occupying the space I wish to lie in. It cannot remain here. I will shove it off the dresser with my paw.
Your alarm clock is also in the space I wish to claim as my own. It must be removed as well. You refuse to do so? You say you work swing shift tonight and want to sleep some more? The alarm clock is set to make that annoying beeping sound when you wish to wake up? Bah, I say. I smite your alarm clock with my Mighty Paw of Minor Household Damage. Onto the floor it goes.
There, that is adequate. I will now lie on the dresser and make squeaking noises at you until you reach up from your bed and pet me.
It’s easy to see why cats were once believed to have magical qualities and even to be minons of The Devil Hisself. No other animal can get away with what a cat gets away with, and still command the affections of its human.
I just upgraded my cellphone service and got a new, smaller phone. Since I use my cell phone for my alarm clock, I’m now wondering, when does a cellphone become small enough to function as a toy for Rocco, the Ten Year Old Wonder Cat With the Playfulness Of A Kitten?
I already had to stop using my alarm pocket watch because that, too, turned out to be a toy for him.
You wish to use the computer? Bah! I am Bailey Wonder-Kitty, and the computer chair belongs to ME. Do YOU coordinate perfectly with its upholstery? No, you do not, unworthy human. Fine, you may use one cubic inch of space, but only if you do not interfere with my nap. Scoot your butt forward! That’s more than on inch!
In my house, it’s “You shall not be able to reach the clicky fingerboard, for I, Khan, Supreme Leader of the Feline Contingent, shall thwart you by standing on aforementioned clicky thing and demanding your attention!! My trusted lieutenant*, Sirius, shall make your desires even more unattainable by landing in your lap and biting your earlobe until you stroke our silky fur. You are warned, human. There will be no computing today.”
*Pronounced, of course, in the “left-tenant” fashion, because I hold a firm belief that my cat has a British accent.
I am Bailey the Squishy Cat, and all chairs belong to me. No, you can’t have the front inch. Or, I may take my place next to the keyboard and randomly add characters to anything you type.
But I do know how cute I am when I roll on my back and offer my kitty tummy curlies to be petted. I don’t care that you will be late for work, again. PET ME.
You need PawSense. It’s supposed to prevent that from happening.
I am Gabby, and I DEMAND that you give me what you’re eating! No, not that thing in your hand, because I have sniffed that, and it is NOT good, that which is going into your mouth, must be good, and I will have that. Stop with the sleight of hand tricks! I know the stuff in your hand looks like the stuff you’re putting into your mouth, but it CANNOT be one in the same. If you do not give it to me, I will meow incessantly until you do. Then I shall climb into your lap and shed profusely.
I am Maggie, the World’s Most Darling and Adorable Kitten. I see you are still sleeping. Thus, I shall poke you in the face with my needle like baby claws, so that, in your dreamlike state, you think you are being stung by bees. Stupid human, get up and FEED ME. I am cute, I am sweet, and I demand sustenance!!!
I am Cinder. I have brought you a reward for keeping my house clean. See how fresh this dead rabbit is? I shall present it to your youngest child. I see by her screaming how excited this present makes her. I shall now go inside and vomit the entrails behind the couch. No, I will not tell you which couch. Finding it by smell is part of the game.