I swear I am not making this up.

Great Debates
1

~Auditing~

No, this has nothing to do with the IRS, though I find it amusing that a tax-free organization would use this word as part of their official doctrine. Auditing is the pointless, repetitive practice that is used to suck you into the cult and keep you there. They usually get people in by giving them a free personality test, then saying that auditing, which you must always pay for and pay for expensive classes on how to both be a better auditor and auditee, can fix fatal flaws in their personality.

So what is auditing? It’s being asked questions while being connected to an E-Meter. What’s an e-meter? It’s essentially a crude lie detector. It picks up changes in the electric pulses in your skin and displays them on a small dial. What they want is for your needle to be ‘floating’, which is swinging back in forth the positive and negative sides of the meter.

So what does this have to do with anything? What they do is take you in, sit you down, and have you hold the two cans connected to the e-meter. Then they pick an area of concern and ‘run’ it by asking you to remember the earliest instance of it. Say you were feeling sad because your mom just died. They would ask you to remember the first instance of sadness you ever experianced.

Why? Because they believe that you carry memories as pictures stored in your mind, but that you force yourself to forget them because they are bad. Thus, if you can remember the first instance of something, that particular aliment or emotion should never bother you again.

The person auditing you is no help. Their job is to look at you without blinking and without emotion, as is trained into them with one of their first courses, TR-0, and ask you questions when you hit an area that causes the needle on the e-meter to go to the right.

And this spans back through your past lives. In fact, it spans back into past lives that have nothing to do with human history. But that’s a story for another section.

~Sea Org~

Now everyone… well… everyone in the church knows where the really good Scientologists go. They join the Sea Org! Hubbards own little navy. They often travel around on ships and wear gay little sailor uniforms, to make Elron feel better about his horrible war record. Since he’s dead, I have no idea why they still do this.

Sea Org is the organization where they send you to what amounts to prison camp when you do something they consider naughty. A few months of hard labor and isolation will fix you up just fine, they figure. However, the most amusing thing about Sea Org has to be their contract.

They convince these teenagers and 20-somethings that Sea Org is the most honor a Scientologist can have, to sail the seas for Elron to Clear the Planet. Checking on other Orgs around the globe. Fighting for their rights. Sea Org is just the shit. And so they get into a big hype about it and are ready to sign almost any contract put in front of them to be a part of the propaganda…

And then see that they have to sign away their next billion years to Sea Org. Can you imagine what that’s like? I know I’d roll around on the floor in laughter if someone asked me to sign a billion year contract.

~Clams~

Why do people in the know refer to Scientologists as clams? Well, other than the obvious money reference, this is another joke lovingly given to us by Elron Hubbard in his infinate wisdom.

We are all an evolution of clams. At least, that’s what Elron says. Not only are we directly descended from clams, we have emotional clam trauma. We have deep psychological problems because two different muscles, constantly at war with one another, were used to open and close our shells. We have troubles crying because we’re scared to open our shells and let sand in.

This all comes from Hubbard’s book about the Evolution of man, which isn’t even a super secret cult text and can be found at many used book stores. It’s the ultimate in kookery. Hubbard even claims that if a non-Clear (clear being someone who has removed all their psychic scars through auditing) is descibed the act of a clam dieing, with someone snapping their forefinger and thumb together, their jaw will hurt so badly that they will not be able to talk or eat.

Having tried this with my friends, I can only conclude that everyone I know, including myself, is naturally Clear.

~OT III~

This is probably the real reason that the Scientologists hate the internet. Just by having a computer and an ISP connection, we all have access to their super secret cult books, which normally cost tens of thousands of dollars and several years for a Scientologist to see. This is, of course, because Elron said that anyone who hadn’t taken the classes would die from reading it. It has nothing to do with money making at all.

There are levels above becoming Clear. These are called Operating Thetan levels, a thetan being basically your soul. Or so you think until you read the book for this level of OT. It’s not surprising that many people either leave or go quite literally insane after reading this book.

So what is so devistating about OT III? It’s the ‘history’ behind the world and why we have thetans. You see, kiddies, it all started 75 million years ago. 76 planets were part of an Galactic Confederacy, which was ruled by an evil overlord named Xenu. Xenu was about to be over-thrown, but being the dastardly bastard he was, he and his rebels would get in one last hateful act.

So, in his malicious and horrible way, Xenu decided to solve the problem of over-population. I’m not making this up. So Xenu froze billions of these little guys named Thetans. And he loaded them up on their space ships, which were literally DC-8 planes with rockets instead of propellers, and took them to Earth, called Teegeeack.

When the poor, frozen thetans were taken out of the planes, they were stacked around volcanos. And the volcanos had H-Bombs dropped in them that killed the thetans without destroying the volcanos. I swear, I’m not making this up. Then Xenu, being the fuckwad he apparently was, trapped all the dead thetans in some sort of electric ribbon.

Now, if you had billions of dead aliens trapped, what would you do with them? The same thing that Xenu did! Make them watch bad movies! Yes, that’s right, Xenu forced the dead Thetans to watch bad movies in theaters together until they became programmed with his propaganda and lost all sense of individuality.

One of these movies was called R6. It was the basis of Christianity. It featured God, the Devil, and a guy named Everyman who got nailed to a cross. They claim that Jesus just mirrored this movie so much that it struck a cord with our thetans and that’s why Christianity is a major religion. A lot more major than them.

So what does this hideous story of intergalactic mischief have to do with Scientology? Well, these roving bands of thetans are the cause of all our woes. That’s right! After spending thousands to have auditing done to clear yourself of all psychic harm, you find out that now you’ll have to buy an e-meter and audit yourself to make the Body Thetans bug off!

John Travolta does this. He sits in a room, by himself, with the cans for the e-meter in one hand and pencil in the other. Then he communicates telepathically with the little dead aliens in his body, asking them purty please if they would leave. And he takes notes on the entire conversation and turns it over to his supervisor.

I’m still not making this up.

~M/Us~

This probably should have come before the OTIII stuff, but I was just too eager to share. Scientology not only believe thetans cause all disease instead of germs, they also believe that misunderstood words (M/Us) cause all psychosis. So when you are reading any Scientology text, they encourage you to have a dictionary at hand. And if you don’t understand a passage, you are to look up every word in that passage until it makes sense.

Not only this, but since Scientology perverts the meaning of many comon words, creates new words, and just absolutely loves to shorten things down, you have to have a special S

2

Xenu?
Good Grief. Crap scifi (pronounced “skiffy” per Damon Knight’s definition} names. Reminds me of Xemnu the Titan in the comics–no wait, he was stealing children to replenish his underpopulated/near-extinct race. But still, that’s what came to mind.

So, is L.Ron laughing in his grave that he sold people on this naked scifi crap?

I mean, if I–as a Discordian–told people stuff like this, I would expect them (well, the smart ones) to get the joke. ARE PEOPLE THIS STUPID?!!!) Oh, yeah, the human capacity for stupidity is infinite. I used to remind myself of that often, but I eventually stopped remembering.

“the human capacity for stupidity is infinite”

3

The Human capacity (especially here among Americans) to allow themselves to believe in the most idiotic, mind numbing, crackbrained things has never ceased to astonish me.

But then, I recall Reverend Moon, Johnstown, Manson, the era of parents paying people to snatch and deprogram their kids from quasi-religious cults and the great fake guru movement that swept through California first and then much of the rest of the States in the 60s.

I like the new acting Travolta is doing but it pisses me off that he, among so many other idiots, have failed for one of the biggest bunches of bullcrap legally allowed to exist within the country. Even before Scientology, a writer called Larry Niven, who wrote Science Fiction, commented in one of his books about the not-very-good science fiction writer who wrote bad books in ‘baby talk’ and went and created an entire religion for himself – meaning Hubbard.

I view with deep suspicion any form of organized ‘cult’ – including many of the ‘Christian’ ones because history, and recent history at that, has time and time again shown all to be either the products of a warped mind, a massive scam or a whole deal made up to sucker people out of their money. People, however, do not learn well. Even though, time and time again, many so-called Preachers have been exposed as using electronic devices, plants, actors and stage effects to seem to be healing people – other fools still flock to them or similar crooks. (Not including genuine preachers and ministers who believe what they say and work hard for every dollar they get.)

Remember that UFO cult, where people believed a man and wife team that the MOTHERSHIP was coming for them and each time it never showed, the two kept ‘revising’ their religion and eventually, they all committed mass suicide?

I’d like to see such places regulated and closed up, but I have no idea as to who should decide what is correct and what is not – except for the obvious things – like a multimillion dollar a year ministry contributing little to the poor and ill and playing a major role in politics – with the Preacher driving around in $500 suits, a limo, having a private jet and living in a church donated mansion.

I don’t think I’d like the Christian Church to try to straighten it all out because Christians can’t even get along with Christians and they tend to breed fanatics who would love to take away everyone’s civil rights to enforce their own version of the 10 Commandments.

Besides, most of these cults come from California, which clearly indicates how being inordinately wealthy can make one a fool.

4

Scientology is funny.

That is, it’s funny if you don’t know anybody who has been stripped of their life savings and sanity by this destructive cult. Estimates for the whole process can run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Should this sort of thing be allowed to go on? Does a person have a right to do that to themselves, even if they may eventually emerge a sad and broken creature?

“I believe every word that man just said, because it’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”
-Space Ghost

5

Well, the wealthy have much more to be foolish about. That is, they have more to lose by being foolish, and rich foolish people are soooo much more interesting than poor foolish people. Especially to cult leaders.

6

People who have enough money will rebel in extravegant ways.

I am under the impression that people like Alley and Cruise are just spending thousands on scientology in order to feel superior to others.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious Carl Jung

7

Kirstey Alley is a $cientologist?!

Say it ain’t so!!

8

She is, that is why I now despise her.

She went on 20/20 about a year ago condemning all those people who dared say nay to scientology

Oh, I am an official SP ( :DHUGE PROUD GRIN :D) And my mother received a bit of mail saying she as a PTS…the entire episode was hilarious.

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious Carl Jung

9

The sig says it all…

Against stupidity the very gods / Themselves contend in vain.

10

This is all very fascinating, and from what little I’ve heard about Scientology, I’ll bet it’s true. But I guess I’d like some links or something to confirm this is all an accurate interpretation.

I am no fan of Scientology. They seem strange. The have had (don’t remember if it’s still there) a Scientology building near Hollywood Blvd. Often when I would be waiting in line for a movie, those people would try to get me to take one of their “tests”. Never took them up on it, never will.

11

For what it’s worth, I’ve done a bit of research into the group, and I’ve heard everything the OP mentions mentioned in books, various websites (like http://www.xenu.net/ ) on the alt.religion.scientology newsgroup, and in several mainstream news sources (like the LA Times, NBC, Time etc.)

Given the sheer number of sources, I see only two possibilities:

  1. The Church really does teach this stuff

or

  1. Thousands of average people, hundreds of former Church members, the mainstream US media and several National Governments (including the U.S., U.K., Germany and France) are all involved in an intricately planned, well-financed conspiracy to make the Church look foolish.

Take your pick.

12

Yeah, like I said, I bet it’s all true. But one does like to question these things.

This is a tangent, but I remember when L. Ron died. Or, at least the Scientologists admitted that he died. (L. Ron had been not seen nor heard of for years, and everyone pretty much suspected he’d died, but no one from the church would admit it.) When the news broke, my dad, an Old Goat from the Old School (whatever that means) called the Scientologist 800 number, and told the friendly person answering the phone, “Glad you finally admitted the old bastard is dead!” My dad…he did things the rest of us only wished we could do, but were too polite.

13

Apparantly a report was just issued by the French Government concluding that Scientology is a threat to national security, a for-profit business and that it should be disbanded*.

So here’s a Great Debate for you, is it ever okay for a Government to forcibly disband a religion? My knee-jerk response is that Scientology, goofy and profitable or not, is clearly a religion and France has no right to demand it’s destruction. Anyone disagree?

  • According to the web site I mentioned above ( http://www.xenu.net ), a news story appeared in the Feb 29th issue of the LA Times about this report. I couldn’t check because they LA Times doesn’t seem to archive it’s stories online, however I found some letters to the editor on the site that would seem to confirm that this story did appear.
14

I read somewhere (it was that anti-Scientology website that someone posted the link for a couple weeks ago…I forget what it was called) that famous Scientologists aren’t asked for money. The Scientologists want to hang on to them, so they give 'em all that stuff for free.

~Harborina

“Don’t Do It.”

15

How does one determine the sex of little sailor uniforms and whether they are attracted to other little sailor uniforms of the same sex?

16

A few nights ago, I could not sleep, so turned on the TV-one a cable channel there was this old guy pushing something called “Dianetics”. I understand that Dianetics is another brand of $cientology. I was interested enough to do some research-this Hubbard guy was really crazy! But he became a millionaire. My question: will this cult continue to flourish? Are people so gullible that they will embrace this rubbish?

17

And the category is “Celebrity Scientologists”

Who are:

John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman, Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman, Priscilla Presley, Lisa Marie Presley, Juliette Lewis, Anne Archer, Isaac Hayes, Karen Black, Nancy Cartwright, Danny Masterson, Chick Corea, and the late Sonny Bono.

Others who have been associsted with Scientology without formally joining are John Brodie, Mikhail Baryshnikov, William S. Burroughs, Van Morrison, Al Jarreau, Leonard Cohen, Emilio Estevez, Rock Hudson, Demi Moore, Candice Bergen, Brad Pitt, Christopher Reeve, Jerry Seinfeld, Patrick Swayze, Marcia Clark, Sharon Stone and Charles Manson.

18

I suppose it’s a very thin line between religious fervor and fraud, but I know I wouldn’t be able to make that distinction. Weak-willed or not, these people are making a choice. How coerced they are to make that choice… that’d be up to a jury to decide.

Esprix

Ask the Gay Guy!

19

WHEW!

At least my secret loves, Cyndi Lauper and Julia-Louise Dreyfus aren’t on the list. Not to mention Jennifer Day also.

Cults, fake religions and such have preyed on the weak of mind for ages. Sometimes even the most intelligent have various insecurities that make them susceptible to the ‘false prophets’. There was a Great Guru some years back in India, who, instead of doing the usual poverty and wisdom thing, sitting about in some shrine or cave and giving mostly cryptic and seemingly inane answers to questions, lived in a luxurious home and drove about in a chauffeured limousine, all paid for by his followers donations.

It took them some time to knock him off of his ‘throne.’

I noticed Charles Manson on the list. I’m surprised the Scientologists even acknowledge the membership of one of the nations most infamous and insane killers. Most of the people (Celebes) on the posters list are those who obviously have personal image problems, but there are some there who I am surprised at.

Unless the whole thing for the Hollywood crowd is like, years ago, it was ‘in’ to believe in spiritualists, and not too long back, it was ‘in’ to know or have a friend that is homosexual. At one time it was ‘in’ to knock back coke all of the time and before that it was ‘in’ to be a public pain in the ass.

It is very hard to know that seemingly well off, intelligent people, career driven, believe in something as obviously made up and stupid as arising from clams. I mean, even the Great Debates among the believers of Creationism and Darwinism never considered clams! Nor has any of the other religions.

I guess to Scientologists, a couple of thousand years of study by various scholars and scientists who all basically arrived at two main theories means nothing because a Science Fiction writer figured it all out. (I’ll bet Author C. Clarke is pissed that he never managed to figure it out. All he did was create the communications satellite, develop many ideas being used for space travel and teach people how to dream and think. :slight_smile: )

20

Van Morrison? Oh, damn. Say it ain’t so!

“And thanks agin fur the plague, Porpentine.”
– mr. john