Every person begins life deserving to be adored. His treatment of you has certainly lost him that privilege, at least from you. Get out. Get out with a plan, but still get out.
DTMFA.
You are in a relationship where he gets everything he wants/needs, where you have ceded ground and ceded ground and then apologized for not ceding fast enough. All arguments about polyamory aside, the very bottom line is that he doesn’t respect you or care about you in a mature way. If he did, he’d be concerned about making you happy, he’d publicly acknowledge you as a part of his life. He’s not. He’s just enjoying the maid, cook, and chauffeur, and prostitution service you offer. You’re not even getting satisfying sex out of the deal. Sex, yes, but not sex that’s geared towards what you want.
Every person deserves to be with someone who, if nothing else, respects them. Why spend time and energy trying to please someone when what you do will never, ever be good enough, and he will never, ever even try to reciprocate? I know it can be hard to leave, but the longer you stay, the harder it will be. You have all kinds of practical reasons why moving out is going to be difficult and a hardship, but you have to figure out a way. Rip off that band-aid, hon.
P.S. You might look at some resources that offer advice for battered women on how they can make a break. It doesn’t sound like this guy falls into the profile of an abuser (not from what you’ve said, anyway), but there are a few things that might be red flags. Regardless, you are facing the same situation that those women face – how to leave in a way that will be final, how to deal with the desire to go back and give it one more try, how to survive economically and get on your own feet. It CAN be done. It may take some work and some time to make it happen, but start now and pave the way as fast as you can. Make a plan and act on it.
It wasn’t made explicit, but I’m assuming this guy farts gold coins?
There’s a lot of good advice in this thread. From what you’ve described, this guy is a controlling piece of shit. You deserve better. Do whatever it takes to dump his worthless ass and get on with the life YOU want.
Do you guys live together at this point? In whose name is the apartment?
No close friends who you can move in with temporarily? Once you’re out and need to support yourself, you’re going to find a way to do that. Really the only other option is beat boyfriend into submission, which takes skill to accomplish without breaking the law. It might be good practice though.
Even if he was awesome in every regard and never did anything rude or selfish, if you don’t like the guy, and especially if you hate him, the relationship is a sham.
nope, actually, he’s piss broke. he’s an artist. i used to work in the tech industry before i lost my job so i was the one with the moola. that’s why i used to buy him all the shit i did as i said in my first post.
we currently live seperately, which i’m actually really thankful for. i live alone.
This is what step #1 is for: you don’t have to leave right this minute but start planning your exit. Again, be specific.
a. How much money will you need?
b. Where will it come from?
c. What outstanding bills will there be?
d. How will you move your stuff?
e. Where will you go?
Don’t look at the big picture and feel overwhelmed. Look at each step and make a decision. There are practical answers to all those questions. Focus on the practical.
If you’re afraid he might get violent or abusive, or if you feel emotionally abused, there are shelters you can go to and people who will help you get out. If you need help from a place like this, don’t be too proud to ask for it.
The details of the polyamory thing are irrelevant. It’s not working for you. You’re unhappy. You don’t have to apologize or make excuses. There’s nothing to discuss. You’re unhappy - it’s over. Keep repeating that and don’t get sidetracked.
Late to the thread (as usual), so only two pieces of counsel:
First, see if there is a women’s shelter or somesuch you can hook up with. Even if you don’t need shelter per se, they often have resources available for those in your situation. And that situation won’t be all that unusual — I would guess that for every woman who’s physically abused, there are two or more who are being emotionally/psychologically abused (as you seem to be).
Second, don’t waste time hating him. It doesn’t sound like he’s worth the effort. Put your energies into yourself instead.
whoa, whoa, just to set things straight. although our relationship suffers from a lot of downfalls, i don’t think my boyfriend is abusive. the biggest problem is that he’s incredibly self-centered, which handicaps him from recognizing and empathizing with the needs of someone else (me). actually, i’m quite certain that he thinks he’s a pretty damn good boyfriend. just earlier we got in a fight and we discussed things, and he concluded it something to the effect of, “see? i’m willing to talk these things out with you. how can you say i don’t care?” (FUME!)
it’s that kind of shit. he knows how to give himself credit and i think he genuinely believes it. and in kind of a sad way, i think he’s doing the best he can actually. i think he’s just one of those kind of men that are destined to be sad and lonely and troubled for the rest of his life.
i realized that sort of early on which made me want to stick around and ‘save him’ like every stupid young girl might think they can do before they realize it just doesn’t work that way.
Now, I believe the term DTMFA (Dump The Mother Fucker Already) is overused, but woman… DTMFA. And there are plenty of polyamory-related columns and podcasts care of Dan Savage that should shed some light on your situation (just spend a few hours browsing the archives, or load some up on your iPod. Believe me, you’ll think you called or wrote in yourself).
It took me awhile to learn just how badly well intentioned men and women can treat their well intentioned partners. It’s entirely possible that there’s a woman out there who would love to have someone like him…and you should free him as soon as possible so he can begin his search :-P.
Based on what you’ve said about your previous attempts to break up, I’d recommend you just be the bad guy and tell him that, not only is it over, you just don’t want to hear from him… and then walk away without giving him a chance to argue or explain.
Oh, I’d originally missed the part where you listed his age. A lot of good people in their twenties need relationship training/saving; I know a lot of geeky people who were well worth the effort their SOs put into them. So you weren’t being super super foolish. Someone who still needs that kind of help in their 30s is probably a poor prospect, though.
Well, that makes it simpler, anyway.
You have the locks changed, call him, say “It’s over,” and if he bothers you, tell him you’re calling the cops.
Have some dignity and self-respect, for Christ’s sake. He’s been playing you for a fool from day one. Don’t prove him right.
He might not be technically abusive, but he sure sounds like an emotionally manipulative shit.
The fact that you already live separately is a huge plus in this situation…unless you fear him physically, I don’t see any reason you should have to go to the trouble and expense of moving away. I can understand that you’re afraid if you don’t, he’ll just worm his way back into your life like he’s done in the past. He knows how to push your buttons, your weaknesses, the right words to say (emotionally manipulative shit, remember?). What you need is some distance to get perspective, which in turn should give you the strength to cut him off for good.
Why not, instead of breaking up with him completely, tell him you just need some time to think? Ask for two or three weeks of no contact. No phone calls, no emails, the whole works. I bet you anything at the end of that time period, you’ll be wondering what’s taken you so long, and you’ll be ready to say “see ya, loser!” no matter what he says. Even better, take a vacation. A road trip to see a friend in another state, whatever. Just change the routine for awhile.
Obviously you have to scrape this user off, but the thing is, you really have to make up your mind solidly to do it. It’s your decision, not his. You don’t need his permission to break up with him. He doesn’t have to “accept” it. He doesn’t even deserve a conversation about it. Resolve to yourself that the decision has been made, there’s nothing to discuss, let him know, then CUT HIM OFF.
You already live apart, so it should be easy. Just tell him you’re done with him and that’s the end of it. Don’t see him in person. Call him, or better yet email him. Don’t give him any chance to try to talk his way out of it. You know you’re vulnerable to his manipulation, so don’t give him the chance. Make the break up a speech a monologue, not a dialogue. Tell him not to call you or try to contact with you. Tell him you will get a restraining order if he keeps trying to contact with you, and then follow through if necessary.
If you’re harboring a fantasy that he will some day come to his senses, and really how much you’ve done for him, and henceforth be a caring and sensitive partner, forget it. That will never happen. These guys do not change. They’re not capable of change. It never happens.
You should probably get some kind of counselling too. You need to find out why you would allow yourself to be drawn to someone like this, why you think you need his acceptance, and why you’re willing to be degraded for it. You said there was abuse in your family history too (I sense daddy issues), but whatever it is, you should talk about it with a professional and figure it out.
You have nothing to gain by staying with this piece of shit. He’s manipulative, narcissistic, lazy, exploitive, sexist, entitled and emotionally indifferent. He doesn’t love you or respect you. He’s a womanizing, parasitic, using scumbag who treats you like a servant and an ATM who puts out. You get nothing out of this “relationship,” he gets everything, For God’s sake, stop being a fucking doormat. Make up your mind that it’s over and it WILL be over. You have all the power. He has none.
How the heck does this statement make any kind of sense whatsoever? You live apart, you have a relationship where he is taking and not giving. You’re a 22 year old adult female, say it’s over, get caller ID and call blocking if you want. You indicate he’s not prone to violence or stalking, he’s just an egotistical ass. Short of him having mind control powers what the hell does his “non-acceptance” of being dumped have to do with anything?
If you live alone, change the locks on all the doors; add deadbolts if you don’t have them. There are rods which will prevent your windows being opened, buy them too. If you don’t have a peep hole in your door, add one. If he shows up, don’t answer it. When he calls, don’t engage him in any kind of conversation and don’t let him engage you. Hang up the instant you recognize his voice. Don’t engage in any conversation with any of his friends; as soon as you know who they are, hang up. Don’t go anywhere where you are likely to encounter him or any of his friends. In other words, get the chump out of your life; things are NOT going to get better between the two of you. If he continues to bug you, notify the cops and then buy yourself a pump 12 gauge or a great big dog. Maybe you should buy the dog first.
ETA: Forgot to say, get a new phone number ASAP and be sure it is not only unlisted but unpublished as well.
Yeah, what they said. I’m just adding my voice here, no extra advice. Change your number and the locks, don’t respond to a single thing he does, and call the cops if he won’t leave you alone. A good big dog is also a plus.
Oh, and read The Gift of Fear. You’re not worried about violence, but there’s also quite a bit in there about how predators find someone who will give in and then just constantly pressure them to do what they want. Your guy sounds like that; he knows you’ll give in eventually, and you’re a free maid/cook/ATM/warm place, so he pressures you because he knows it will work. Don’t let him do that any more. Don’t talk with him, that will only encourage him to try harder–just cut him off completely. No further explanation, no further talking.
At this point, you’re not saving him; you’re preventing him from learning how a decent human being acts. He doesn’t seem to have one redeeming thing about him, and if you stick around he’ll never change.
I had one of these - the ‘not letting me break up with him’ - type. I told him to get the fuck out of my life. I moved out of my house for two weeks and took my cat and myself to my parents. He may have been hanging out there, I don’t know. If he called at work I hung up on him. He showed up at work once, I went out when the receptionist said there is someone here for you. Took one look at him and said “if he doesn’t leave, call the police.”