phoenix, I didn’t mean to freak you by mentioning women’s shelters. I just want you to know you’re not alone here. There’s people who will help you if you need it.
Having your own place makes things straightforward, like the people above suggest. I know the advice above sounds harsh - but he’s a user and he’s got a pretty cushy arrangement. He’s going to push back. You need to be prepared to freeze him out and make it stick.
Of course he doesn’t want to break up with you: as far as he’s concerned he’s hit the relationship jackpot. He can screw around while you pay his bills and act as his unpaid servant so he doesn’t have to work, while you stick around because you think you can save the poor wee lonely soul from himself and you give out limitless blowjobs. Shit, the ony reason he hasn’t married you yet is that you don’t own a pub: honestly, what impetus has he got to change?
Jesus, honey, they don’t hand out medals for martyrdom: salvage a little dignity by dumping his useless arse yesterday, call the cops on him if he hassles you about it, count the last three years as a valuable life lesson that someone can only use you if you let them, and move on: there are plenty of decent guys out there who don’t treat women as moist-slotted ATM’s, so go find yourself one.
Have a friend stay over to help you with the willpower. Or has he drawn you away from your friends?
You’re not in a polyamorous relationship, BTW. Polyamorous relationships take a lot of work, and give and take from all involved. He’s getting all of the benefits of a poly relationship with none of the effort. It’s just take take take.
Again… where in the world is everyone coming up with “abusive, dangerous, stalker ex-boyfriend! Get a gun, a dog, get big door bolts!” From the posts the OP has laid out he’s a self centered, manipulative ass, but the main issue seems to be that she can’t seem to keep her itchy fingers off the phone receiver when her self centered slacker calls her to try and reconcile. If she wants to be rid of him DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN HE CALLS.
Get some help. Friends, family members, anyone you trust - keep them close for support and motivation. If you can’t break up with him yourself, have them do it for you. You can even have one or two of them stay with you for the first few days or weeks, to have your back if he comes around.
Seek strength in numbers. There’s no reason for you to do this alone.
It doesn’t sound to me that it would be all that hard for you to dump him at a practical level, though it would undoubtedly be difficult at an emotional level.
After three years with one man, you might not be as in touch with the variety of men that exist and the ways that a relationship could be different from and better than the one you’re currently in. If you dump him and start playing the field, you’ll find that not all men are like him.
Hmm, that has also my impression. It sounds to me like he’s just a giant Grade A Mooch, but he really hasn’t done anything creepy. If the OP is happy to provide financial, emotional, housekeeping and sexual support for nothing in return for years, I can’t necessarily fault him for it or say he’s being irrational in accepting it. Heck, I wonder if she’s even attempted setting boundaries for acceptable behavior on mooching and if so I’m curious how that went.
I’m not arguing that the relationship can be saved, but I think it’s important to establish those lines in the sand earlier.
you got it right on the dot. emotionally, it’s just so difficult. at this point, it’s like i’ve invested so much energy and thought and work into this thing, it’s just hard to leave. like dealing with a fussy and bratty kid. he’s still your kid, at the end. but he’s not my “kid”, and it’s fucked up, i know.
you’re absolutely right. i’d like to call it unconditional love, but, really, i think i’m just pretty weak… ugh.
Just do anything you can to find peace of mind, even if that means looking for it at the bottom of a Haagen-Dazs carton. Nothing is more important than that you end this now, so do it and do it good, whatever that requires.
… OK, so he won’t “accept” that you’ve dumped him… do you think he’ll notice that you’re not giving him more BJs? You’ve painted yourself into a corner bigtime: you’re in a situation of dependency with a guy who thinks you’re both his sex slave and his mother. Talk about gross!
Seriously, don’t talk about it: plan your escape and then execute it.
Look - do you have any friends? If you do, then have them slap some sense into you.
If you don’t - well, you don’t have a job, either, so there’s nothing tying you down… is there? Relocate to warmer environs. Move. Just slip out the back. Make a new plan. You don’t need to be coy. Just get yourself free. Hop on the bus. You don’t need to discuss much - just drop off the key.
And get yourself free.
You should consider investing in one of these.
Seriously, just ditch the loser already. He’s not your responsibility. You dump him and he refuses to accept it? That’s what they police are for. Tell him you’re done and be done. Make it done. He doesn’t have to accept it, you don’t have to care if he accepts it, he just has to leave you alone and one way or another you can make that happen.
I can’t blame the guy for holding on, seems like he’s had a pretty good gig for a while, but you’re the one in control and you need to do what you have to do.
Right now it is just inertia. Stop it and move on. A relationship does not have to be perfect. None are. But it seems like you are getting nothing out of it and he is getting everything he wants. This one is easy. You have only been together for a few years. You have no children. You have no property together. You have no legal commitment together. He does nothing for you. And you’re young and extremely attractive (I’m assuming 
). There really is nothing holding you back. It gets much worse when you get older. Believe me. In a few years you’ll look back and wonder what took you so long.
No, not weak, he just happens to push your buttons. Don’t feel bad; quite a few of us have had relationships in our eearly twenties of the saver-savee kind.
If you like reading, I may recommend this book, about dealing with emotional blackmail. I have read it and it is very practical, as well as insight offering. It got a lot of positive reviews on Amazon.
I’d be interested to hear what specific things he’s said to you when you’ve tried to break up with him in the past. Maybe then we can give you some rebuttals to have ready.
Look, the thing is, this relationship isn’t working for you. He’s not a dreadful person, he’s just not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. You know that, so why waste any more time staying with him when you could be putting the groundwork into your great new future?
Whoa, hold up there. You’ve said two wrong things.
So, you put money in a bad investment, the stock tanks, and you think you need to keep putting money in the stock? Uh-uh…yank your money out and find another investment. The time invested means nothing. You cut your losses, chalk it up as a lesson learned, and move on.
Second, he’s not your kid. He’s a grown man and this is the way he is. You’re not happy in this relationship.
Nobody really likes change. We get set in our ways and don’t want to face the unknown. But take just one step. Tell him it’s over. Then, ACT LIKE IT’S OVER! Don’t take his phone calls, change the locks in your house, and move on. Believe me, once you take the hardest step and are actually in the new situation. you’ll wonder what the hell took you so long.
You are responsible for your own happiness. Why would you stay in a relationship where you’re not fulfilled? What if this was your sister or your best friend in this situation? What advice would you give her?
Yes, this, right here. I was in a years-long relationship that was failing, and I kept thinking about trying to hold on and the “waste” of time invested otherwise - the real waste is going back to something that just isn’t right for you. Cut him out of your life now. No phone calls. Hang up on him. No chats at your door or inside your apartment - if he shows up, tell him (yell over him if you have to) that it is over and he is leaving now. Then shut the door and lock it. (If he has a key to your place, change the locks now.) Delete E-mails, texts, voicemails without even opening them.
I was in a similar situation about 15 years ago, except she was the polyamorous one (I was 1 1/2 years older, I was 18 and not 32, I was really good with words, I refused to accept that she wanted to break up with me). After dragging out the breakup over a month or so, and after I wrote her an obnoxiously smug/angry letter explaining why she was wrong to want to break up (again, I was 18: I wish I could go back and slap my 18yo self upside the head sometimes), she wrote me back saying that she heard everything I said, and that it was over, and that if she saw me, she’d be polite as if to a stranger, and that she would prefer I stay out of her way.
That letter of hers is what it finally took for it to get through my head that it was over, especially the bit about being polite to me as though we were strangers. Until then I was convinced that there was a way for me to make things right.
Oh, and if you haven’t lately – get tested for STDs.
You don’t live together and you have no kids. I’m assuming that means you don’t share a bank account and you certainly don’t have property together so no, it isn’t difficult to end the relationship. Go on a brief vacation or stay with some friends if you feel you can’t resist the phone.
Also, I’d seriously re-examine why you felt the need to settle for some creepy aging swinger (I smell a ponytail) collecting a harem while keeping you as his housekeeper…and at the tender age of 25 at that. Not to mention give up on your religious beliefs and desires for a monogamous relationship. I mean, if polyamory really is like being gay, as so many people argue, why the fuck are they always going around trying to prosletyze their lifestyle? Why not just mack on other polyamorists?