You say that you hate that you “can’t fucking get out of this”.
You can. You have to.
You don’t live together and presumably have no financial inter-dependency.
You must have known this was the advice you were going to get when you posted on here. You’re getting it - in abundance.
“Naturally polyamorous”? Give me a break. Selfish jerk who can’t keep it zipped, more like.
If this guy had a drug or alcohol problem, you’d have lots of people giving you a hard time for your “enabling” behaviour. Running back to him (and continuing to satisfy his desires with nothing in return) is just that.
Do people really argue that? I accept that bisexuality is hard-wired, but I’m going to need some convincing to consider polyamory as anything other than a lifestyle choice, in every sense of the word.
Even as a young child, I knew I was different… that one day, I would be having sex with multiple partners at the same time!
I don’t buy it either, but there are people on this board who have tried to argue with a straight face that it’s an actual sexual orientation. Be careful about showing any skeptism. They’ll call you a judgemental bigot. I’ve been throught it more than once.
You can get out of this. You’re not financially dependent on this man. You’re not physically dependent, either, as far as you’ve told us. You’re capable of being on your own for a while. And when you’re ready, you’ll be ready to find a partner who complements you.
You needn’t worry about his acceptance (or lack thereof) of the ending of the relationship, unless he becomes violent. You’re probably a regular, decent person who doesn’t want to hurt him - most people don’t enjoy hurting others. The thing is, you come first - you must. Do what’s right for you. I suspect you won’t crush him, either - if he hasn’t acknowledged you as his girlfriend after three years together, he isn’t terribly emotionally invested.
Sticking around simply because you’ve already invested so much time is (as ivylass said) just throwing good money after bad. You won’t change him - why torture yourself for another several years, only to realize that, gee, I could have been spending this time pleasantly?
In short: You seem to know that this is an unhealthy relationship. You seem to know that you want out. Take a deep breath, don’t think about it too much, and tell him it’s over. Over the phone, in a text message, in an e-mail. One thing about technology - you don’t need to see the person you’re dumping! Rip that banage off and don’t look back.
Tell your friends - ask them to help you steel your resolve/take your mind off things when you get lonely. I really do think you’ll be better off - and I think you know that, too
One thing you should know is that you wouldn’t be hurting him. He obviously doesn’t care about you enough to be emotionally injured (and may not be emotionally capable of truly caring about other people at all). He’s not vulnerable, just selfish.
It may be difficult to tell the difference between someone who is polyamorous, and someone who likes to have sex with lots of different people. In this case, the distinction -whether or not it exists - makes no practical difference. The OP isn’t happy.
Although if they’ve been together this long, he’s probably capable of faking it.
Seriously, phoenixundone, just leave. I see no chance you can repair things and no reason to make the effort. It sounds like are things you should have done differently in the past, but you shouldn’t stay with him out of a sense of fairness or to punish yourself. The two of you don’t live together, so stop picking up the phone, stop answering the door. Change the locks if you feel you need to and/or ask for his key, if he has one. Disentangling yourself from someone can be difficult emotionally, but physically, it’s not that complicated.
I’d say beyond dumping him, OP, you also ought to evaluate why you settled for such a loser when you’re so young. I mean, the bar has been set to an alltime low here (wrinkly swinger/narcissist) and from the way you describe him in the OP it’s not even like he’s super rich and successful and buying you off with Prada bags and vacations to put up with his shit. To me it speaks to the fact that you don’t feel you can do better, you have a hard time standing up for yourself against the pretentious and until you fix that you’re going to keep getting into relationships with douchebags who walk all over you. I mean, I’m sure you could find a monogamist but is he going to convince you of his right to wake and bake while you bring in the cash?
i felt conflicted from the very beginning and throughout the entire thing, but one big reason i stuck around was because he’s one of those intellectual, free-spirited artist guys that knows everything about everything. he’s done everything and has had such an interesting life. and he knows how to speak brilliantly, too. put that altogether and it makes for a younger girl like me easily enamoured. it wasn’t until a year or so later, as i got older and more realized that while he does have these great qualities, he’s also totally incapable of giving anything on a deeper level. depressing realization…but a good one to come to know, nevertheless.
actually, i’m pretty sure breaking up with him will, in fact, crush him. believe me on this one, i know him. he’s gotten comfortable and even vulnerable to the idea of me doing everything for him (see: take care of him, 110%). because of this, the difference after i leave will be stark. i can’t focus on this aspect though. because it’s one of the reasons why it makes things so hard to leave.
I’m sure he’ll be sorry you’re not around to take care of him, pay for his lifestyle and put up with his bullshit, but it sounds like this wasn’t enough of a reason for him to treat you well. If he’s crushed by it, you’re not the one responsible.
phoenix, are you going to do it? Are you going to cut him off?
Is leaving town/taking a vacation/leaving your cell phone behind an option for you? Because I think that would make it a lot easier for you…don’t even give yourself the choice of picking up the phone to hear his voicemails.
And this guy’s name isn’t by any chance Jason, is it?
he does this thing where he doesn’t answer questions; or, at least he answers them really ambiguously. i’ve found it strange that i barely know any of his friends after this long, but also, when he goes out with them, he doesn’t like to tell me what he does, who he meets. when he’s seeing other women, i usually only know that they’re seeing each other, and their name. that’s it. it confuses me on a few levels because he argues that it’s the “space that he needs” and that’s why he hates me questioning. i see it as a ground of me feeling more secure, and plus, what the hell – he’s in an open relationship with me, i feel like i have the “right” to ask. so we fight about this one a lot. we almost broke up over this about a month ago, and what happened at the end was i told him i couldn’t take this anymore, and that this privacy thing has been going on for too long. we broke up and didn’t speak for about a week. a week later we ended up running into each other and he said that he felt hurt for everything that i said; and again, he defended his need for space, saying it’s a natural and healthy thing. i found myself apologizing to him and we got back together.
He’ll be crushed because he’s losing a mommy/maid/sexual favor-giver, rather than a partner - someone he loves? Even more reason for you to depart. You deserve to experience a true partnership, no? Maybe you’ll even be doing him a favor - waking him up. And a favor for his next “partner”.
I’m gonna say this harsh, but I think you can take it.
Girl, grow yourself a backbone.
ETA: Whatever he tells you about his needs, you say, ‘That’s fine, but that’s not what I’m looking for in a relationship. I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone that is looking for the same thing as you, but that person is not me. Goodbye.’
The guy’s a bullshit artist. You were young, you got suckered, it happens, you learn from it. In my early twenties I spent two years of my life on a woman who I thought was a romantically bohemian free spirit before I figured out that she was in fact just a lazy promiscuous slut. In the end it turned out to be a good thing, in that I grew up emotionally real fast and learned to set strong boundaries around what I would and would not accept from a relationship.
No. It won’t. Take this from the guy whose parasitic ex {see above} told him she had throat cancer when he tried to leave. He’ll cling on for a while until he figures that it’s not worth it, then move on to find someone else to leech off: and, sorry to say, he won’t miss you.
Now say these words aloud, and repeat as necessary when he asks you to come back: I am not responsible for his happiness. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own.
But that difference will be good for him. You aren’t doing him any favors by allowing him to coast along getting you to do everything for him. A grown man (or woman for that matter) ought to be able to stand on his own two feet and take care of himself. Equal partnership is one thing (and it’s great), but taking advantage and mooching is something else again and it’s what he’s been doing. That’s not adulthood.
Yeah. So he talked away your uneasy feeling in the beginning. And he rewarded you for discounting your own emotions by telling you how bohemian and broadminded and strong and giving you were for doing so. I agree, it is a more pleasant way of having your feelings discounted then by just havng them ignored or belittled. But the bottom line still is and was that your emotions are somehow worth less then his. I’m playing armchair psychologist here, but have you, by any chance, been raised by a parent who put his/her needs over yours?
I know you think so, but believe me, while he may act crushed, he won’t be. That you have somehow gotten this notion is classic emotional manipulation. There’s a whole chapter on this technique, and how to counter it, in the book I recommended you.
Well jesus christ of course he’ll be crushed because he will have to find a new maid/atm/warm wet hole to use, not because hes losing you as a person, you are not even a person to him.
but, you’re close. it’s another name just as generic, lol. why do you ask?