i think i hate my boyfriend

[phoenixundone]

peskipiksi, check your email…

[anu-la1979]

@phoenixundone

i felt conflicted from the very beginning and throughout the entire thing, but one big reason i stuck around was because he’s one of those intellectual, free-spirited artist guys that knows everything about everything. he’s done everything and has had such an interesting life. and he knows how to speak brilliantly, too. put that altogether and it makes for a younger girl like me easily enamoured. it wasn’t until a year or so later, as i got older and more realized that while he does have these great qualities, he’s also totally incapable of giving anything on a deeper level. depressing realization…but a good one to come to know, nevertheless.

I’m pretty sure this guy is not nearly as awesome as he considers himself to be (or he’d be able to convince other people and would not need your money and help) and therein lies what I was trying to indicate to you-that you are not confident enough in your own opinions about what is and isn’t bullshit. Part of that can be chalked up to youth but you’re still defending him as being hot shit when to me he sounds like a complete wastrel with credit card debt, a ponytail and crabs. What kind of hurtling-towards-middleaged guy sponges off a woman as young as you?

[MN_Maenad]

@sandra_nz

I’d be interested to hear what specific things he’s said to you when you’ve tried to break up with him in the past. Maybe then we can give you some rebuttals to have ready.

Bad idea. Who cares about rebuttals? You call, you say, “It’s over, I’m not speaking to you any more.” Then you hang up even though he’ll be talking. And don’t answer calls from his number. If he calls from another number, hang up immediately, etc.

You know the drill - so are you going to put on your big girl pants and do what needs to be done, or sit around whining to us all day?

[elfkin477]

@anu-la1979

I’d say beyond dumping him, OP, you also ought to evaluate why you settled for such a loser when you’re so young. I mean, the bar has been set to an alltime low here (wrinkly swinger/narcissist)

Narcissist sure, but wrinkly? The guy’s 35…you know, just a bit older than us. Maybe it’s due to the lack of sun up this way, but I’ve never met a wrinkly 35-year-old.
OP, you might consider getting some real advice, from a therapist. One might well be able to help with the self-esteem issues that have encouraged you to stay with him despite it being a terrible idea, and many work on a sliding fee scale if money is an issue.

[Scissorjack]

@elfkin477

Narcissist sure, but wrinkly? The guy’s 35…you know, just a bit older than us.

Dude’s younger than me.

[anu-la1979]

@elfkin477

Narcissist sure, but wrinkly? The guy’s 35…you know, just a bit older than us. Maybe it’s due to the lack of sun up this way, but I’ve never met a wrinkly 35-year-old.
OP, you might consider getting some real advice, from a therapist. One might well be able to help with the self-esteem issues that have encouraged you to stay with him despite it being a terrible idea, and many work on a sliding fee scale if money is an issue.

Yeah, okay, 35 years old is not ancient, I’ll admit that. 35 year old guys are hot blahblahblah, I even date in this age range myself. I just think this guy is both gross and hilarious (based on OP’s description of him) and I’m picturing a pretty typical pretentious weenie in my head over here. Also adults who sponge off their SOs is a particular pet peeve of mine-even more so than adults who sponge off their parents. And I really do think that a man taking financial advantage of a girl ten years his junior while simultaneously treating her like shit is the epitome of eunuchery. Although somehow this fella has managed to swingle/swindle himself into a Darwinically advantageous position what with spreading of seed + monopolizing breeding of OP + finagling source of food and comfort. Maybe we should all be taking lessons from him.

[Merneith]

@phoenixundone

actually, i’m pretty sure breaking up with him will, in fact, crush him. believe me on this one, i know him. he’s gotten comfortable and even vulnerable to the idea of me doing everything for him (see: take care of him, 110%). because of this, the difference after i leave will be stark. i can’t focus on this aspect though. because it’s one of the reasons why it makes things so hard to leave.

Bet you a coke that he immediately goes and worms his way into one of his poly-pals’ life. I bet he’s already got a replacement lined up, mentally. I bet he has a new ‘girlfriend’ before the rent is due.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@phoenixundone

he does this thing where he doesn’t answer questions; or, at least he answers them really ambiguously. i’ve found it strange that i barely know any of his friends after this long, but also, when he goes out with them, he doesn’t like to tell me what he does, who he meets. when he’s seeing other women, i usually only know that they’re seeing each other, and their name. that’s it. it confuses me on a few levels because he argues that it’s the “space that he needs” and that’s why he hates me questioning. i see it as a ground of me feeling more secure, and plus, what the hell – he’s in an open relationship with me, i feel like i have the “right” to ask. so we fight about this one a lot. we almost broke up over this about a month ago, and what happened at the end was i told him i couldn’t take this anymore, and that this privacy thing has been going on for too long. we broke up and didn’t speak for about a week. a week later we ended up running into each other and he said that he felt hurt for everything that i said; and again, he defended his need for space, saying it’s a natural and healthy thing. i found myself apologizing to him and we got back together.

All of this is classic manipulation. He told you he was hurt, did he? Examine what he was hurt by. He was hurt that you had the nerve to say that YOU were hurt by his emotional indifference. Did he make any sort of apology to ytou? Does he gve a shit about your feelings at all? If not, then he has no right try cry about being “hurt” because you won’t say you’re 100% overjoyed to have an absent, cheating, using sponge of a boyfriend. He’s not even really your boyfriend. He;s not even really your friend. You’re not in a genuine relationship at all. This is just a guy who shows up to take things from you once in awhile and reward you by making you feel bad about yourself. You haven’t told us one single thing that he gives back or does for you? He bullshits a young girl that he’s worldwise and smart and you equate that to having some kind of “qualities.” Those are not qualities. Qualities are things like respect, compassion, empathy, responsibility, maturity, self-sufficiency and committment. I doubt this guy is anywhere nere as cool and smart as he’s snowed you into thinking he is – if he had anyreal wisdom, he wouldn’t have to sponge off young girls to pay his bills – but even if he is, he still lacks any qualities that matter.

Maybe you can’t see it because you’re in it, but I assure, to all of us who are seeing it from the outside (and assuming that everything you describe is accurate), this guy is absolutely exploiting and using you, and you need to get out. The fact that he’s convinced you that you not being content to continue along as an unquestioning, servile, blow-job giving cash card will “crush” him is is evidence in itself of the depth of both his narcissism and the degree to which he controls you.

If you ever manage to scrape this guy off and get some distance from him, you’ll start to wonder what the hell you were ever thinking. This guy is a LOSER. I can also guarantee that he’ll find another girl to take your place just like that. In fact, he probably already has one or two more that he uses just like you stashed around.

[Teaira]

@phoenixundone

actually, i’m pretty sure breaking up with him will, in fact, crush him. believe me on this one, i know him.

To echo what everyone else has said: who gives a shit if this crushes him? Guy’s an asshole. Dump him and move on.

[Algorithm]

This is making me sad. Please leave him right away.

[ivylass]

@phoenixundone

i felt conflicted from the very beginning and throughout the entire thing, but one big reason i stuck around was because he’s one of those intellectual, free-spirited artist guys that knows everything about everything. he’s done everything and has had such an interesting life. and he knows how to speak brilliantly, too. put that altogether and it makes for a younger girl like me easily enamoured. it wasn’t until a year or so later, as i got older and more realized that while he does have these great qualities, he’s also totally incapable of giving anything on a deeper level. depressing realization…but a good one to come to know, nevertheless.

Sweetie, I want you to read what you wrote here. The guy is a charmer, to say the least. I wouldn’t be surprised if half the stuff he told you was a flat out lie. He’s got a good deal going…he doesn’t have to be faithful, you’re paying the bills, and he’s got you so twisted around in your thinking that you’re apologizing to him for invading “his space.”

This relationship is not healthy for you. Get the fuck out before you get even more completely screwed up. Because when that nice, stand-up guy who would swim through shark-infested waters to get you a lemonade shows up, you’re not going to recognize what a wonderful person he is.

[Dangerosa]

@phoenixundone

actually, i’m pretty sure breaking up with him will, in fact, crush him. believe me on this one, i know him. he’s gotten comfortable and even vulnerable to the idea of me doing everything for him (see: take care of him, 110%). because of this, the difference after i leave will be stark. i can’t focus on this aspect though. because it’s one of the reasons why it makes things so hard to leave.

I knew that about my loser as well. He did love me, I believe that. More importantly to me though, he was lost without me. Had depressive tendancies. Didn’t have anything going for himself but ME. Yep…I was full of myself.

I left, dumped him, threatened to call the cops. And you know what - fifteen years later I hear he married and has kids and is wonderfully happy. As much as it hurts my ego (which it doesn’t really) - he did not die of a broken heart or even suffer too much. He got over me.

[badbadrubberpiggy]

What’s the worst thing that could happen if you break up with him, realistically? Yeah, he’ll be hurt, but he’ll get over it, or he’ll move on and mooch off someone else. He’ll probably try to manipulate you into THINKING a lot worse things we’ll happen (“I’ll die without you”, etc), but they won’t.

It’ll be hard to break up with him, and it will be hard to stay in a relationship with him. Which one do you actually want?

[Hampshire]

Man, I can’t even stand to read these type of threads anymore.

Girl: My boyfriend sucks for reasons A, B, C, D… and I’m not happy.

Dopers: Then dump his ass.

Girl: Yeah but, yeah but, yeah but, yeah but…

[Driver8]

Honestly, it sounds like you need some serious counseling. The manipulation is so transparent, and your willingness to give and give and give without getting anything back so extreme. There are some pretty major self confidence issues here.

You ARE being manipulated. Despite what you said, there is a 100% chance that this guy will not be crushed. He will be momentarily disorientated for the couple of days he needs to spend making arrangements to leech off someone else.

I honestly cannot begin to understand what you are thinking. You are convinced that you are a hugely necessary part of his life, yet are willing to accept his completely uncaring and disinterested lack of concern for your well being. And he got you to APOLOGIZE to HIM? Are you dating Dick Cheney?!

[Larry_Borgia]

This is a small, even tiny thing, but try to capitalize your "I"s. “I hate my boyfriend” rather than “i think i hate my boyfriend.” As I said, a tiny thing, and not a thing I’d normally point out, but it seems like you need all the help with assertiveness you can get.

[Ogre]

Good God. Grow a spine already. The hemming and hawing in this thread, and your apparent lack of basic ability to know when you’re being publicly made a complete fool, are pissing me off.

I kinda wish I’d never read this thread, because it depresses me to be reminded how readily some people will blind themselves.

[velvetjones]

If you are not willing to take resposibility for your own happiness then you are doomed to be miserable for the rest of your life. You’re only 22. It’s not to late to learn to take care of yourself.

Learn to be a good mother to yourself. Learn to take care of yourself emotionally. Learn to love yourself enough not to let this happen again.

This might require professional help but it must be done.

[Anne_Neville]

@MN_Maenad

Bad idea. Who cares about rebuttals? You call, you say, “It’s over, I’m not speaking to you any more.” Then you hang up even though he’ll be talking.

This technique also works well on telemarketers.

@anu-la 1979

35 years old is not ancient, I’ll admit that. 35 year old guys are hot

Yes, 35-year-olds (and, therefore, 34-year-olds) are hot and are not old. I’m not getting old, really I’m not! (I’ve never been hot, so I won’t hold out for that one)

@phoenixundone

one big reason i stuck around was because he’s one of those intellectual, free-spirited artist guys that knows everything about everything. he’s done everything and has had such an interesting life. and he knows how to speak brilliantly, too.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities”
–JK Rowling

This guy may have these abilities, but what does he choose to do with them? He uses them to manipulate you (and probably other people) into doing things for him that he should be doing for himself. There are other people out there with his abilities who don’t use them to make the same choices he does.

[Dung_Beetle]

The good news is that you know what to do, and your life is going to improve dramatically once you do it. Better times are about to begin! Good luck to you as you make the transition.