check your PM.
Seriously, we need to get a support group going here.
Wow, that’s what you got out of my post? You really do see what you want to see don’t you?
Enjoy,
Steven
Good to hear! We’ll all be happy to cheer you on.
you forgot the follow up i said afterwards, which that there is the lack of balance. and that’s the important part. thus, the exit plan. don’t worry, i heard you. 
You know, we get this kind of thread a lot, and there is invariably someone who comes in with “We don’t know this guy’s side of the story”. Sometimes that’s the correct thing to say, but I don’t think it applies in this case. You’re not painting this person as a horrible, evil person that doesn’t deserve to live, you’re painting him as a decent person who wants to do things you don’t like. Frankly, if those things were neutral, like skydiving or even going out with “the boys”, people would be asking you why it bothers you. But every person in this thread is saying that he’s an ass even when you’re trying your damndest to say he isn’t.
Yes, you are going to give your story slanted to your POV, but have you truly misrepresented any concrete action of his that you have related? You say he hasn’t initiated sex or gone down on you, nor entered into sex enthusiastically when you’ve expressed desire?
His behavior as you’ve described it here is not polyamory. One of the most important hallmarks of polyamory is openness - including your partner in your sexual life even when that partner isn’t an active participant in the actual event. Trying to hide his sexual activity from you shows that he is wanting to avoid responsibility, not avoid being tied to one person. My ex did this - he didn’t get involved with other women because he was “polyamorous”, it was because he wanted to avoid dealing with our problems, and still have sex. If he had sex with someone else, he didn’t have to deal with whatever problems we were having.
But none of this matters. You are not happy in this relationship, and you’ve made the effort to change things and it hasn’t changed. The whole “out of the blue” thing? B.S. If he was honestly concerned with whether you were happy in the relationship, it wouldn’t matter if this was the first time you said something; he wouldn’t be making excuses. Saying this is “out of the blue” is just a way of manipulating the argument to make it your fault. (I’ll add one caveat to that - no one can change the past, so make sure you aren’t bitching about past events except as examples of what you want to be different in the future)
If he isn’t seeing a therapist for his problems, and getting medication if necessary, he is NOT doing the best he can. Even if he is doing the “best he can”, that doesn’t mean that you have an obligation to stay with him. In fact, while you think that you would be hurting him by leaving him, you would really be doing more harm by allowing him to continue his inconsiderate ways without experiencing the consequenced of his actions.
When I was married to my ex, I knew that I could not change him intellectually. But it took twelve years for me to realize that I could not talk him into changing for me either, no matter whether I used logic, tears, anger, or bargaining. Don’t be like me and waste 12 years of your life.
My reading recommendation: “Recovering Love” by J. Richard Cookerly. This will teach you what to look for in a good relationship.
I don’t think she has to go that far. An amatuer vasectomy would work just as well. 
Ah, hell, I’m in. And keep in mind, that’s like $6 Canadian.
OK,** phoenixundone**, there’s money on this now, no more fooling around.
I am not a fan of slick advice, such as
Grow up/grow a pair
dump the shit
get a life
but I think all three apply to this situation.
The best practical advice for you is to follow Miss Manner’s advice for declining any invitation. Say no, and don’t offer reasons.
“I’m sorry, it over.”
Repeat ad nauseum.
If you need a reason, you could say “Attack from the 3rd Dimension has five dollars riding on me dumping you”.
Ever notice that a lot of the “polyamorous” folks out there are actually really emotionally stunted and self centered? Not saying that polyamory can’t work…I think it can SOMETIMES with emotionally mature people, and the right realtionships…but polyamoury seems to be basicly “ego stroking” like " OMG I can have sex with all these different people with no strings attached."
It’s very difficult to handle emotionall jealously etc…there’s a reason why love triangle set ups are the source of so much drama on soap operas.
phoenixundone…are you afraid if you dump him YOU won’t have anyone? Do you feel sorry for him not having a real relationship?
It’s possible he does the poly lifestyle b/c he thinks that sex= being a “real” man. he may be thinking he has to prove to himself and to society that he’s a real man and can have sex with lots and lots of people, and not have it hurt anyone.
He may not truely understand the concept of a loving careing realtionship.
It’s possible he has a personailty disorder or suffered some trauma or something.
I had a friend who was still stuck in the " I love sex" sort of mindset…Not that there’s anything wrong per se with loving sex…but she basicly looked at me like I had three heads when I said that a fuck buddy realtionship (well not even a buddy realtionship since she wasn’t even really friends with the dude) wasn’t too healthy emotionally. (and she is very emotionally stunted sadly)
Guys like your boyfriend really don’t seem to understand that it’s the emoitional connection that really makes a great realtionship. The friend I previously mentioned looked at me like i had three heads when I said that cuddling with my girlfriend felt just as good as doing it. Heck, I rmemeber when I was 16, and just coming out my first girlfriend telling me " I love you" felt AWESOME.
I’m with everyone else. DUMP HIM…Find a better dude!
Is there any way you could talk to his parents or get him into some sort of therapy?
Please. It’s not her job to fix him.
Today’s Savage Love column reminded me of this thread. Sounds a lot like the OP’s situation, only with some physical violence in place of the dishonest polyamory.
Do you see yourself in this column, phoenixundone? Because I think you should.
Have you dumped him yet?
If you can’t stand listening to his whining…I mean, since you sympathize with his sadness, can you not just disconnect yourself: don’t answer his calls, keep busy, just ignore him?
This guy will never change. You will never change. You are not a matched pair.
Dump his ass.
That bears highlighting. Like rapists, child molesters, etc. most abusers don’t stalk the streets in trench coats and scowls – they count on charming their intended victim and, often, his/her family and friends.
+1 to that. One of the reasons I was with my ex so long is because she wasn’t nuts ALL the time. She was quite the happy, funny, easygoing person to be around when she wasn’t prone to random fits of rage (oh but not AT me, it was always about some other thing, even though she was shrieking AT ME) manipulation and such paranoia about me cheating on her it eventually became a self fulfilling prophecy. It took 11 years to DTMFA, and now I’m way WAY happier for it.
I’ve read most of this thread and I’m not really quite understanding where all the hate for polyamorous slacker boy is coming from. The OP has constructed a reality in which she now (after an extended period) feels she’s being used and disrespected. After all she gives him nurturing and blow jobs and surely he should be hers exclusively at this point. I must be missing the part where he made any promise or even hinted this was eventually going to be the case. Everything the OP has laid out has indicated he was quite upfront about the specific way he wanted his sexual and emotional life to be structured, and she decided to graft herself onto this life in the hopes that … what… eventually he would change?
Re the OPs notion that he’s going to be crushed by her absence I kind of doubt it. Arty slacker types with a gift for seduction tend to have a pretty well developed sense of self preservation, and there is quite likely to be another housekeeping vagina waiting in the wings. I have to admit in my dotage I’ve gotten pretty short fused with people’s loud mewing about how much their relationship sucks but then say … “oh I just can’t quit him/her”. She’s getting something substantial out of this relationship. Maybe he’s got a world class mad lovemaking skillz, Maybe it is only intellectual companionship and mental stimulation, but that is a substantial benefit . I would probably do foolish things for a woman who was fascinating conversationalist and I’m old enough to know better.
I must say I’m really appalled at what I see in this thread.
WTF is wrong with you people?
you’re going on like she’s some battered woman who doesn’t know how to support herself, (She’s been supporting him!) and like she’s afraid to live alone (she does). I can’t imagine how she would need any help separating from him if she were willing to. I hate to have to say it but I think everyone here is trying to turn this situation into something it’s not. I think you’re all bending over backwards to make this woman the victim. She isn’t. And the man she is in this ‘relationship’ with has done absolutely nothing wrong. You think this guy is morally bound to treat this woman like a life partner just because that’s how everyone else you know lives their lives? That’s pretty ignorant. I’m really surprised to see this kind of bigotry considering the way you people react when the religious right tries to make the same kind of arguments. This man isn’t obligated to give her anything he hasn’t promised. And it’s clear he hasn’t promised anything regardless of what she’s done for him.
[ul]
[li]He’s worthless?[/li][li]He doesn’t respect her?[/li][li]He’s a controlling piece of shit?[/li][li]He’s an emotionally manipulative shit?[/li][li]He’s manipulative, narcissistic, lazy, exploitive, sexist, entitled and emotionally indifferent?[/li][li]He’s a womanizing, parasitic, using scumbag?[/li][li]He’s an egotistical ass?[/li][li]He’s a narcissist?[/li][li]he’s pretentious?[/li][li]He’s a douchebag?[/li][li]He’s a bullshit artist?[/li][li]He’s an absent, cheating, using sponge of a boyfriend?[/li][li]He’s exploiting and using her?[/li][li]He’s manipulating her?[/li][li]He’s undisciplined, unmotivated, lecherous, callous, and self-absorbed?[/li][li]he’s a shiftless loser?[/li][li]he’s a leach?[/li][li]he’s a dick, an asshole, a complete cipher with absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever!?[/li][li]he’s playing her like a harp with this “little boy lost” routine?[/li][li]He’s emotionally stunted and self centered?[/li][/ul]Where are you getting all of this? From nowhere except that he doesn’t care about the same things you do. Oh and btw just because he isn’t phoenixundone-centered, doesn’t make him self-centered. You people have absolutely no justification for any of the venom you’ve been spewing here.
And you’re advice is absolutely ludicrous.[ul]
[li]Don’t discuss it. Just repeat - You’re not happy. It’s over.[/li][li]Refuse to discuss the matter any longer. Block his calls[/li][li]you don’t owe him the courtesy of a good-bye. [/li][li]Don’t feel you have to explain yourself or give him a chance to work his magic with words. Just get rid of him.[/li][li]moving out while he is at work and just leaving a note explaining it’s over would be totally justified.[/li][li]Dump him by email or letter, leave his stuff on his stoop, never talk to him again.[/li][li]Don’t return his calls or listen to his messages.[/li][li]tell him that, not only is it over, you just don’t want to hear from him… and then walk away without giving him a chance to argue or explain.[/li][li]have the locks changed, call him, say “It’s over,” and if he bothers you, tell him you’re calling the cops.[/li][li]He doesn’t even deserve a conversation about it.[/li][li]tell him you’re done with him and that’s the end of it. Don’t see him in person.[/li][li]Don’t give him any chance to try to talk his way out of it.[/li][li]Make the break up a speech a monologue, not a dialogue. Tell him not to call you or try to contact with you.[/li][li]Tell him you will get a restraining order if he keeps trying to contact with you, and then follow through if necessary.[/li][li]change the locks on all the doors; add deadbolts if you don’t have them. There are rods which will prevent your windows being opened, buy them too. If you don’t have a peep hole in your door, add one. If he shows up, don’t answer it. When he calls, don’t engage him in any kind of conversation and don’t let him engage you. Hang up the instant you recognize his voice. Don’t engage in any conversation with any of his friends; as soon as you know who they are, hang up. Don’t go anywhere where you are likely to encounter him or any of his friends.[/li][li]notify the cops and then buy yourself a pump 12 gauge or a great big dog.[/li][li]get a new phone number ASAP and be sure it is not only unlisted but unpublished as well.[/li][li]Change your number and the locks, don’t respond to a single thing he does, and call the cops if he won’t leave you alone. A good big dog is also a plus.[/li][li]You need to be prepared to freeze him out[/li][li]call the cops on him if he hassles you about it[/li][li]Don’t take his phone calls, change the locks in your house[/li][li]Cut him out of your life now. No phone calls. Hang up on him. No chats at your door or inside your apartment - if he shows up, tell him (yell over him if you have to) that it is over and he is leaving now. Then shut the door and lock it. (If he has a key to your place, change the locks now.) Delete E-mails, texts, voicemails without even opening them.[/li][li]Take a deep breath, don’t think about it too much, and tell him it’s over. Over the phone, in a text message, in an e-mail.[/li][li]you say, “It’s over, I’m not speaking to you any more.” Then you hang up even though he’ll be talking. And don’t answer calls from his number. If he calls from another number, hang up immediately, etc.[/li][/ul]…all because of what?
Because he hasn’t fallen madly in love with this woman as he is clearly obligated to?
I’ve seen the crazy bitter ex routine before… I can’t believe so many people are actually recommending this kind of behaviour!!
What behavior is that? What did he do? The only things phoenixundone seems upset about are the things he doesn’t do. But why is he under obligation to do these things? She knew from the start that he wouldn’t.
Actually it’s everyone here who is “enabling” phoenixundone. She has wasted 3 years trying to change a man into something he has made it perfectly clear he will never be. Now she’s upset that he still doesn’t devote himself to her despite all she does for him. She is unhappy because of her own irrational decisions but she is refusing to admit her mistake and blaming her unhappiness on this man. She has absolutely no reason to be angry or resentful towards him, but she pretends that, by not loving her for what she does for him, he has somehow done her wrong. BULL! And the fact that all of you are playing along with this is not helping her one bit.
phoenixundone:
Despite the attitude of everyone else here, I feel I have to say you are being extremely unfair to this man. You say you have tried to break up, tried to dump him, but always end up apologizing. This is not because he “twists the situation”. It’s because you are in the wrong. He has made no commitments to you… but you none the less are blaming him for not living up to the commitments you think he should have made. There is no basis for your claim that he is taking you for granted. Have you considered the possibility that he simply doesn’t care if you stay with him or not? Oh I’m sure he enjoys all you do for him, but that doesn’t automatically mean that you are the most important thing in his life. That is not taking you for granted. That’s just unconventional priorities.
Also, (and I bet he’s explained this to you multiple times) You can’t ‘dump’ him because you are not his girlfriend. This is why he “won’t accept it”, and he shouldn’t accept it. If you don’t want to have sex with him, you don’t have to (actually that would be true even if you were his girlfriend) You said yourself that he doesn’t even “initiate”. So obviously you are. And it’s some kind of crime for him to accept? As for all the other things you do… you are in no way obligated to do any of them either. So when you try to dump him, what are you doing? What does it mean to dump him if you’re not his girlfriend? All you’re really doing is bitching and blaming him for your unhappiness. This is what you end up apologizing for, as you should. Your anger and resentment are unwarranted. He has done nothing wrong. You have. You have treated him like a boyfriend and expected him to reciprocate even though he has made it clear to you he is not interested in that kind of relationship. It is not unfair for him to enjoy all the things you do for him, and still refuse to treat you like his girlfriend. Should he have to give some kind of disclaimer of romantic responsibility every time he accepts any kindness from anyone? Please.
You can safely ignore all the advice given in this thread. It’s all entirely irrelevant. You do not need to escape him because you are not his prisoner and he has done nothing to you. You are a prisoner of your own denial. There is only one thing you need to do to be free. Stop trying to blame this man for your mistakes. You’ve wasted 3 years trying to ‘save’ a man who isn’t interested in being saved. That was your mistake. As soon as you admit that, the problem will be solved. He will not chase you down and drag you back. You said yourself you always run back to him. But I think you know it’s not “for some reason or another” as you say. It’s for one reason. You’re still pretending that he’ll eventually fall in love with you and devote himself to you if you just keep giving. Admitting otherwise, admitting that there’s no reason why he should do this, would be admitting that you are the cause of all your unhappiness. That’s why you persist in denial. Get over it. Just admit you were wrong and let it go. Continuing this way is unfair to yourself… and to him.
As for cutting him out of your life without giving him a chance to respond… I think you owe him an explanation face to face. I think you owe him an apology for the multiple times you’ve “tried to dump him”, and for constantly prying into his business which you know he doesn’t want to discuss with you. Basically, you need to apologize for trying to turn your relationship into something which you knew up front he wasn’t interested in. Other than that, there really isn’t much breaking up to do except to stop throwing yourself at him sexually, and stop doing any other kind of favours which you wouldn’t do for any other close acquaintance. I hardly think this will “crush him” as you seem to think. But if it does, that’s his problem and I think he’d prefer you just let him deal with it. No matter how sure you are that he needs you, he doesn’t think he does, and it’s pretty arrogant to claim you know what he needs better than he does. I do however think he trusts you. His life is obviously intertwined with yours, and you may have the ability to screw him over pretty seriously if you just suddenly decide to freeze him out to punish him for your mistakes. I suggest you be reasonable and inform him that things will be changing, and you cannot continue to support him. If you’ve made any kind of promises to him of things you’re going to do for him, I suspect he’ll even forgive you for breaking them if you talk to him about it and admit you haven’t been fair to him. But you are going to have to admit that he has done nothing wrong. Until you do, there is no reason not to keep trying to change him.
*
counts the minutes till the backlash.
100+ people don’t echo the exact same sentiments on something if they’re actually willing to think about it rationally.*
No I won’t. And the simple reason…she is unhappy enough about the situation to post on a public message board. For a “boyfriend” that alone is sufficient reason to dump him.
This doesn’t make any sense. Disagreeing just for the hell of it, maybe?
It makes me think this poster’s never read another relationship thread on this board. The majority (not all) tend to have more ambiguity and arguments about them and what the other person could be thinking.