Very simply put. She’s not obligated to stay in a relationship she isn’t happy in.
No Justice, are you the boyfriend?
First of all, no one has said the BF is “obligated” to DO anything, so that whole angle is a bullshit strawman. The issue is that the OP is unhappy, that the BF is exploitive, self-centered and manipulative. He takes without giving. Puling that he’s never represented himself as anything else does not make him any more appealing or entitled to keep using her.
And WTF does this mean?
What do you mean “he shouldn’t accept it?” What does “not accepting it” mean? You’re saying he should stalk her? Please spell out exactly how a dumpee goes about “not accepting it.”
She owes him nothing. If she wants to move on, why should he be entitled to “pry into her business?” What does it matter WHY she’s cutting him off? Why does he need to know? If he’s not her boyfriend and there is no relationship, then why does she owe him an "explanaton.
This has to be a joke.
Surely, once you distill it all down, the issue is that the relationship works for him, but doesn’t work for her.
The solution to that is for her to get out of the relationship. He’s going to try and convince her to stay, because it works for him.
She, on the other hands, needs to grow a backbone and learn to stand up for herself in order to ensure she gets herself out of this relationship.
Personally, I disagree that she doesn’t owe him an explanation. I’ve seen many threads where people have said ‘X person has cut me out of their life, is it reasonable to ask them for an explanation’ and the overwhelming advice has been yes. But all the explanation needs to be is “This relationship isn’t working for me. It doesn’t meet my needs. Therefore I am not going to continue this relationship wtih you.”
She doesn’t have to convince him, to make him see her way, to make him realise she is right and he is wrong (and who are we to judge that, anyway), all she needs to make clear is that she is not happy in the relationship therefore she is ending it.
And I do feel that a lot of you are assuming that the boyfriend is consciously manipulating her. That implies a level of self-awareness on his behalf that we can’t assume he has. Yes, he might be consciously doing it, but equally likely he may be quite unaware of it. Most people I have met in life who have been selfish (which is my understanding of this person, given that the OP has said that the arguments have been based around him wanting his needs met but not being interested in hers) is that those selfish people have had very little self-awareness.
IF she had never tried to dump him before - she owes him at least the “this isn’t working for me.” But he is one of those guys who doesn’t respect that - and she is one of those people who is a doormat.
I dated one of these guys - and was the doormat. Each ‘reason’ was an opportunity for discussion, not a statement of my feelings. “This isn’t working for me” became an itemized list of all the ways this ‘did’ work for me from his point of view. “I don’t want to see you anymore” became a critique on whether I was mentally healthy enough to understand what I wanted. That was actually what eventually opened my eyes to the situation. And when I actually dumped him with no explanation other than “get the fuck out of my life.”
I’m fairly convinced (well, actually we share enough common acquaintances that I know) - that he never heard a word of anything I tried to say about why I was dumping him in any of the preceding conversations. From his point of view “get the fuck out of my life” came out of the complete blue sky - and was only a sign of my own mental instability.
So are you suggesting she just tries to disappear? With no explanation or contact at all? I don’t think (a) that would be very successful and (b) that she would do it.
I don’t think anyone has suggested that she should just dsappear without explanation. The advice is that she tell him it’s over, THEN cut off contact.
Your second point remains to be seen, but as to the first, of course it can be successful. It happens every day. People dump people and cut off contact. It’s easy as pie. I would guess that most people in this thread have either done that or had it done to them (or both).
I’m right with you on (b), but you’d be amazed at how well (a) can work.
Frankly, I believe that explanations are pointless when a relationship is being ended. What would you do with any reason given? Do people really want to hear “Because you’re an asshole”? Or even “I just don’t love you any more”? If a person wants to learn something from the breakup, that person should really ask “Is there anything I should do to make my next relationship work better?”
If it comes as a real surprise, then either the other person was not communicating well, or you weren’t listening.
Actually, if it comes as a surprise, I’d give it a 99% chance that the surprisee was not only not listening to the other person at all, but deluding him or herself as to how well the relationship was going.
I’m putting $10 (US) down on we never hear from her again, except in this thread to tell us that it didn’t work.
He owes her nothing…and she owes him an explanation and an apology???
Good username.
I doubt that it makes much difference if he calls her his girlfriend or not. What everyone is recommending is that, whatever you call the relationship, it isn’t working and she shouldn’t continue it.
Maybe you don’t want to call it “being a girlfriend” when she gives him money, attention and blow jobs. That’s fine - all that is necessary is that she stop giving him money, attention, or blow jobs.
So she can certainly “dump” him in the sense of “not giving him money, attention, or blow jobs”. In other words, stop being his not-girlfriend.
It means “to cease contact with, or to stop giving money, attention and fellatio”.
She shouldn’t apologize, even if (as you seem to be saying) the not-boyfriend is blameless.
She is not happy with being his not-girl friend. So, she stops being his not-girlfriend. They don’t see each other, she doesn’t give him any more money or blow jobs. The End.
If he tries to talk her out of ceasing to be his not-girlfriend, then everything of what you have been saying is the purest bullshit. (Not that it isn’t anyway, but work with me here.) This not-relationship won’t work if he’s happy and she’s not. And trying to get someone to continue a relationship like that is exploitative.
So, she doesn’t have anything to apologize for. The relationship, call it what you will, isn’t good for her. So it can’t continue, no matter how complex and polyamorous this not-boyfriend is.
Regards,
Shodan
Oh okay, I thought people were saying she shouldn’t even tell him she was breaking up with him, but to just disappear. That’s why i was saying it wouldn’t work. My bad.
No, but I don’t think she needs an explaination other than “its over.”
Disappearing works, but its hard and probably not called for here. However, if the guy continues to harrass her after she says “its over” then staying with friends for a few weeks might be a good way to create the seperation.
Ok, that’s $10 that we never hear from her again, any takers?
And, can we get some long odds on a happy ending and a proposal?
sorry, but i pretty much disagree with you although i applaud your willingness to defend your stance on this situation.
what i am asking for are BASIC properties of human relationships: respect, for one. trust and honesty, another. besides, these are things i have explicitly asked from him and things he has explicitly, in return, said he would give me. and still he hasn’t. in that case, he is in the wrong for not honoring me, and his word, in this way. i haven’t said this in previous threads yet, but he has said “i love you” to me many times now, including that he is “committed to me”. he has even hinted at me about how he wants to have children with me. now, what that actually means is probably a different point. but, the point is that he’s said these things and i’m realizing these are false promises.
i am also not trying to change him for christ’s sake. if i was i would’ve asked to be monogamous, already. as a matter of fact most of the time being with him has been an attempt to understand the various idiosyncrasies of his lifestyle. i may hope naively but i am not stupid. if a therapist, medication, and 3 years of a relationship, and 35 years of his life hasn’t changed him, then nothing will.
what you are right in saying is that i AM responsible for my actions towards him. and yes, i’m learning to initiate less, do less shit for him, unfortunately – because these are my expression of intimacy and care towards loved ones, detach slowly and watch him as he starts to complain and notice the difference of me not tailoring to his every whim. but that’s my fault, because i’ve given him that option in the first place. but fuck if i can’t get some decent treatment in return. i’m not asking for much, i’m just asking for basics.
i’m not going to stay in this relationship, nor am i going to fucking apologize for trying to dump him for things he said he would honor and didn’t.
you just heard from me, where’s my $10? 
You aren’t going to try and dump him - you are going to dump him or you are not going to dump him. It is like Yoda says “There is only do or not do…there is no try.”
She was saying she’s not going to apologize for previous attempts, as No Justice claimed she should.
I’ve been following this thread, though I haven’t posted because I’d just be repeating the majority.
I’m curious, though. phoenixundone, you sound like you’re still in the relationship. Why? You’ve made it clear that he’s making you unhappy, he’s not going to change, and you rightly don’t believe his promises that he will. So what’s the holdup? What stops you from leaving him?
If you need help planning an exit strategy, I’m sure people here will be more than willing to help or point you to people that can help. If you still just don’t really want to go, look at it this way: you can either invest three years of your life in a relationship where you learned a lot about yourself and the world, or you can waste thirty years in this relationship, growing more and more unhappy and watching your options get fewer and fewer with each passing year. I wouldn’t wish that life on… well, on him, much less you.
Ah, I read that differently.
I come into this thread late.
Why pay for the cow when you can get the milk for free? What’s worse, he really is abusing you.
Dump him. Now. Otherwise, you risk becoming a doormat for any relationships that will follow.
End it. Now. The folks here will help you get through this.
Huzzah! I’m so happy! Remember…don’t get into a long discussion. Just say, “This isn’t working for me anymore, goodbye.” Lather, rinse repeat.
Welcome to your brand new shiny life. It’s been waiting very patiently for you. Go out and enjoy!