David Copperfield said it. April R believes it.
Yeah, this.
I think my advice might have been too friendly and understanding too. It’s great your husband is being such a stand-up guy about it. I seriously think that is great. But. It’s actually NOT ABOUT HIM. It is about you. It is about your accepting personal responsibility for your own actions and feelings. It is about your understanding the way you react to things and the way you feel about him and how that is likely to impact YOUR reactions in the future. And previously in the thread you’ve pretty much said straight-out that you start flirting every time you feel a little down on yourself, so you’re clearly just lying to yourself if you don’t think this is going to be a problem in the future. Because there will be a next time for you feeling down on yourself. What are you going to do then?
I bet I know what you’re going to say. “Oh, but I won’t flirt with him next time because I’ll be confident in my marriage and I won’t be so down on myself and so it won’t be a problem.” If you don’t see how it doesn’t work that way – if you read your OP and your other posts in this thread and don’t see how it doesn’t work that way – then I’m afraid you’re doomed to repeating the same mistakes. And your poor husband too.
…and I’m out. I’ve said everything that could be remotely useful, and I’m now going to take my own advice about not repeating the same mistakes. (In this case, trying to tell you what the right thing is to do.)
Don’t call other posters assholes in this forum again.
Apologies. I’ll behave.
I can’t agree enough with this. April, 8 years ago, I had a “guy friend” I had met on a message board we were both members of. He and I had flirted and thought we were in love. The message board had a meet in Houston, and he and I hooked up there.
I was married, with two kids. My youngest was five.
When I came home, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He begged me to stay. Cried. I was a stone wall. I rented a house, moved out, and a couple of weeks later got served with divorce papers, listing abandonment as the reason.
Meanwhile, online “friend” made plans to move down to my town.
Husband and I met in court, the judge gave him temporary custody, even though he was unemployed. I was devastated. As a requirement of the divorce, we both had to attend parenting classes.
Online “friend” left from NJ, driving. He called me 10 hours later and said that he had been arrested in NC, and asked me to come bail him out. I foolishly drove 6 hours and got him out. We drove to his van on the side of the road where it was left, then he followed me back to my house.
The next week was a real eye opener. I went to work every day, and would come home to find him wasted on Oxycontin or Percocet, sometimes the combination of the two. He slurred, he drooled on himself. He couldn’t put together a cohesive sentence.
He got a call one morning that his mom had passed away, and I drove him to the airport so he could fly to NJ for the funeral. That night I had my parenting class to attend. It was the single most gut wrenching experience of my life. I couldn’t imagine my children being split between the two of us. What was I doing?! I sat in the car and cried for long while before I drove home.
The next morning I called my husband and asked if we could talk. I asked if he still loved me. He said he did. He wanted me to come home. That afternoon, he drove over and helped me pack my things into his truck and my SUV. He also helped me pack online “friend’s” stuff into his van. I drove the van to the airport, parked it, and Fedexed the keys to him in NJ. I called him and said it would be best if he just got on with his life as that’s what I intended doing.
My husband and I have been married 23 years. He forgave me for what I did. If I can ever forgive myself, well, that would be wonderful. I’m a lucky girl, and don’t think for a minute I ever forget it. I love that man. He hung the moon and stars for me.
My advice? Don’t go. Even if your husband never finds out, YOU will know.
I’m not in any way in love with guy friend. I have no interest or intention of leaving my marriage, but I appreciate you sharing your experience. Your husband sounds extremely compassionate and loving.
Was that before or after you told him how you had signed up for Ashley Madison?
So set something up with this guy to “talk”. I’ll bet he’d travel to visit you. No need to tell your husband since you and friend are just going to talk.
snerk
As a good Christian, I accept your apology. You are forgiven. Go and sin no more.
A good Christian wouldn’t make a spectacle of his rectitude. Besides, her apology was for using inappropriate language in this forum, not an admission of error.
And, of course, it was directed to Idle Thoughts.
Nope, she said, “apologies,” plural.
One was, of course, but since you offered multiple apologies, plural, it’s obvious what you intended.
I forgive you.
April R, I’ve been reading along for a while, and I saw you mention this in the other thread and I feel compelled to ask:
If your husband had told you that some things are unforgivable and he believed in divorce in certain circumstances, would you be taking the same gambles with your marriage?
It seems like you’re so confident in your husband that you feel you have a licence to behave as you please. No matter what you do, his only course of action is to forgive you because he believes marriage is for life, no matter what. Don’t you owe it to him to stop testing for the limit of his forgiveness, and start behaving like you take your marriage as seriously as he does?
I get the feeling that April wants out of her marriage but lacks whatever it takes to just sit down with her husband and say “Look, this doesn’t do it for me anymore, I want to end it”. Instead of taking the direct approach, she’s going to keep pushing these relationships right up to the breaking point over and again and hope that that will somehow keep her hands clean of the responsibility of ending it. It’s like watching a child smashing her toy into the floor over and over, half fearful and half hopeful that Daddy is going to look up from his paper and take it off her for good
She wasn’t apologizing to you, you fucking douchebag.
Obviously, she was.
Moderator Warning
This is an official warning.
Reason: Personal Insults outside of the Pit.
Moderator Note
Actually, it’s pretty obvious that this is not how it was intended, and by intentionally twisting it around you’re pushing the limits of the “don’t be a jerk” rule.
Knock it off.
Huh? I did the AM thing like last week, so not sure what you’re asking