Stauderhorse, you’ve got some nice advice here. Mine is that if you care about your brother, be open with him about yourself, and be nice to him. Don’t dwell on figuring out what he really is. In this context, “really is” sounds more important than it really is, eh?
And if he ever comes out as gay, why don’t you introduce him to grude’s sister? Sounds like she has an unmet need for a gay male.
This.
I took a very long break from men (several years) to get some therapy and get my head screwed back on nice and straight. It was a really useful time for me and I learned a lot about myself. Some of my family members still insist that I’m gay. A few years ago, my sister was at the annual family dysfunctional Thanksgiving fest and mentioned my boyfriend. One of my stepsisters piped up, “I thought she was gay!” Apparently, nods and murmurs of agreement went around the table.
I told my sister to tell them (nobody has the balls to confront me directly or I would say this myself) that, just because I don’t call home to report every single heterosexual drunken hookup, that does not mean I’m gay. Just because I don’t want to get married or have children, that does not mean I’m gay.
It doesn’t matter. Some people will think I’m gay no matter how many typical lifestyle choices I make or don’t make.
Bottom line to me is: What’s it your business if your brother is gay or bi or curious or whatever? What’s it to him that you’re bi? Honestly, I cannot get down with people nosing into other people’s sexual orientation or religion. The only people who need to know what my sexual orientation is are the people with whom I am interested in fucking. All others: none of your business, and that includes family. I don’t want to know what turns them on, who they sleep with, or what they get up to in the privacy of their own bedrooms and I’m not spilling those details about my life either… except to the actual person I’m actually sleeping with.
My advice: Just butt out and be a good sister, eh? Who cares if he’s bi/gay/straight/likes to lick Kangaroos?
I agree, except something needs to be done about the Twilight posters.
Parts of OP could have been talking about me years ago. Apparently, something I am just learning in my 50s, some family members thought I was a little odd when I was young. I was very shy and so very slow to start dating. I never talked about girls or sex and I spent all my time with guys. Girls were scary as hell, I could barely talk to them so of course I spent all my time with guys! Anyway, thank goodness nobody ever decided to “help” me come out (except for a few old guys - ewww) because I would have been mortified. Eventually I learned to talk to girls, dated, married, etc.
If you must do something, help him socialize in general. Just don’t try to push him into the arms of someone you think meets his sexual needs when you don’t know what those are.
Shiftless, I couldn’t agree more about the Twilight posters. Straight or gay, he’ll never get laid with those things hanging up in his room. I’d take one look at that, turn on my heel, and leave without another word. Ew.
Nothing great to add- except that my 9yo daughter is the only one with Twilight stuff in the house. I was surprisingly okay with the first movie, but the posters and stuff?
He is either like half this board, and extremely self-absorbed in his own nerdism, except he takes it out with Twilight while we take it out with star wars toys… Or yeah, he might be repressed.
I am not sure how it would go, suggesting to a repressed, somewhat homophobic male that he start liking dick.
I think the best possible option would be that he would then avoid you, until such time as he either forgave you (if not true) or accepted himself and then thanked you (should he in fact be gay).
Being myself almost totally straight, and having been questioned about my own sexuality only because I am/was willing to discuss experimentation as a youth, I can’t imagine that what you are contemplating would go down well.
By all means, come out to him- but if he isn’t in the right place, that will have much the same effect, unless he really trusts you, perhaps even more than he trusts himself…
Another vote for leave him alone. Would him coming out somehow make you happier/feel better?
My honest first reaction is that I think you are projecting your sexuality on to him.
Just be open, loving and caring and let him approach you.
It’s totally appropriate for you to share your bi side with him. Once you have your own sexuality out, you may not be so concerned with his. I have known people who didn’t come out until their 50s, or later. If he is in fact gay or bi, then he’ll come out in his own time . . . or possibly not at all. It’s his life.
I say mind your own business, in this thing.
He’s an effing adult, 35 years old, and, what, running the family business? How old is too old for you to cease meddling in his sex life??? For whatever reason, he is where he is. Doesn’t need help.
ETA: Yeah, tell him to lose the Twilight posters. Tell him they look gay. Whichever way he goes, he’ll lose them quick!
+1. He might be straight, but his announcements are his own. Even with the best of intentions, “outting” is crappy thing to do (and false accusations aren’t exactly fun to deal with either).
I’d be less concerned about a 35 year old watching a teen movie and more concerned about a 35 year old that still put’s posters up in his room.
ETA: I’m pretty sure that putting posters up in your room, ended for most people after their freshman year of college.
I would feel totally weird if friends or family were trying to make my sexuality their business. But it is important for people to know that they have a safe place to be themselves. I think the best way to approach this situation would be to come out to your brother, with no ulterior motives. It’ll bring the two of you closer together and he’ll know that at least he has someone who it’s okay to talk about those things with.
This, this, a million times this.
It amazes me how so many people here feel the need, nay the right, to go flying in with their size fourteens into someone else’s personal shit as they have decided themselves that there is an issue.
There isn’t an issue. It isn’t any of your business. Go find a hobby.