So maybe you need to revise what you said here. There are a lot of upstanding young men in situations where asking for the dad’s blessing is un-needed and unwanted.
I’m gonna stand by my original statement. I’ll be the first one to say there are no absolutes and always exceptions. But the general practice in the US is that the guy talks to the girls dad before the proposal. Absent a situation where the girl doesn’t want the guy to do it, or knowledge that the girl’s parents think that such an act would only be done by weak spined lumox, it’s sort of the expected thing to do, and a guy that has chosen to ignore those social norms without his girls or her parents preference is not that upstanding, IMHO.
I’d be careful about making that generalization. While there’s certainly a cultural precedent for it, it’s one of those things that has changed a lot over time and I wouldn’t assume it is still the “general practice” without actual data to back that up.
You’re a little late for that debate…look up thread.
Yeah, 87% of princesses who plan their fairytale wedding on a website report that they want Prince Charming to ask for their father’s blessing before asking for their hand in marriage. Interestingly, 65% of princesses wished there was a better way to find the right frog before kissing all of them, 43% wonder whether glass slippers are appropriate for a winter wedding, and 26% have been googling for decades on how to pick the right pumpkin for their wedding stage coach.
It was on a website. They’re all valid statistics, people.
Omar seems a little old-fashioned. Next thing he’ll tell you is that it isn’t right to take a shot at someone on Sunday morning.
So, remind me, is he no longer upstanding because he’s asking a ballbusting bitch like me to marry him? I’m a bit confused.
I think people still have trouble believing anyone could mistake that for a valid cite.
Yes, I could have found that in ten seconds of Googling, but I decided instead to devote that ten seconds of Googling to show why you’re totally off-base:
I’m sure that, as always happens on the straight dope, you’ll admit to your total logical screw-up here and back away from the point shamefaced. You might then offer an actual, statistically valid cite; or you might abandon the claim entirely. Your choice.
It seems to be something that some parents appreciate but it’s hardly a social norm, and it’s probably on its way out as well.
I’m in the wedding business, and I have to say that as far as my clients go and the ones I’ve talked to specifically about the proposal, the parents (not necessarily just the father) usually do get the heads up. Here in Chicago, the culture does seem to still be fairly traditional as far as these things go. I understand other parts of the country may be different, and I understand the Straight Dope user base tends to skew anti-tradition for rational reasons. I do understand how many folks may perceive this tradition to be anachronistic and stupid. That’s pretty much how all traditions go. But, fuck it, I like a little bit of tradition and that little bit of that pointless theatre.
I love tradition. I don’t like the idea that this tradition is required in order to be considered respectable. Call it quaint, or a bit of pleasantry, but the problem is when not doing it is a moral failing.
I wouldn’t get furious or refuse to marry a man if he asked for my father’s blessing prior to asking me-I think it’s sweet. Unnecessary, but sweet. Then again, the preferred way for me is for the couple to go to both sets of parents and tell them of the coming nuptials and ask their blessing.
Even if they don’t give a rat’s ass about that blessing. Marriage is not just about the 2 people getting hitched. There are entire families to blend here and it can (and does) get dicey. So why not start with everyone pleased at the fact and the surrounding rituals?
It’s not like they actually think you’re chattel.
I also agree with whomever upthread that 1. 21 and 19 is waaaay too young to get married and 2. the ritual should only be pro forma because everyone’s thoughts are already known. And the respect being shown is for the tradition of marriage, IMO, not one male rival to another or whatever passes for Doper interpretation of simple courtesies.
Honestly, if it were the woman proposing to the man, I’d like to think she’d have called his parents prior to as well. But mostly I think the engaged couple should ask the older generation together
Oh, and ETA: one of the biggest loves of my life asked me out to a formal restaurant (we were in college)-dressy, tie required etc, to dump me over dinner. Yeah.
What’s your role in the wedding business? My suspicion is that the more folks are into the Fairy Princess wedding (i.e., the big-bucks, spare-no-expense, Best Day Of Your Life style of wedding), the likelier they are to keep all the traditions in place. The more folks are laid-back, work-on-a-budget types, the less likely they are to keep all traditions in place. I have no evidence to support that, but the self-selection problem with the survey would also apply to your experience. (Not that your experience is invalid, natch–just saying it’s interesting, but not easy to generalize from).
As for us, once we’d decided to get married, we got together with all three sets of parents within a weekend and told them of our plans. They were the first people to find out. But there was no man-to-man conversation involved. It was couple-to-couple.
I’m a wedding photographer, and most my clients tend to have a graduate-level or professional college education. The tend to be in their late 20s to mid 30s. Frankly, it does surprise me, because I would think most of them are the “hell with tradition” type, but not in my conversations with them.
Interesting–thanks!
Am I the only one who thinks that someone who has to have their mother tell them to get a haircut shouldn’t be marrying yet?
Or did I miss something, again
For what it’s worth, my Dad was about 25 when he got married in 1971. I’m pretty sure he hadn’t given the bride’s parents a head’s up before the proposal, and certain that the bride’s answer was “I don’t know–I need to think about it a bit”. She eventually decided that yes, she would marry him.
Anyway, three days before the wedding, Dad got a severe haircut. The Bride (my mother) was not happy. It was too short, all his pretty curls were gone.
So he didn’t get another haircut for six months.
At which time, they were having Thanksgiving Dinner with his folks, and his dad made nasty comments about his son who looked like a girl.
So my mom cut his hair, and has been doing so ever since.
Usually on whatever schedule pleases her, because frankly, Dad doesn’t much care about his appearance, and doesn’t seem to mind the Absent-minded professor look.
21 and 19 are way too effin’ young to get married.
And I say that as someone who was engaged at 19 and married at BARELY 21, and my groom was 21 at the time too.
Yeah, we’re still together. But we’ve beaten all the odds and we’ve had a much harder road than our peers who married a few years later.
Young marriage CAN work but it’s generally a very bad idea.
FWIW - MrPanda had no father to ask for a blessing and he didn’t ask my mom, either. I still expect PandaKid to bring home a boy respectful enough to do so someday.
And any guy who refuses to ask for her parents’ blessing (provided that’s important to her and her parents, etc.) and then expects her parents to pay for the wedding has got some set of brass balls on him. (Yes, I am well aware that a lot of couples pay for their own weddings, but generally when the parents do pay traditionally the bride’s parents end up footing most of the bill.)
I’m pretty much with Omar Little on this one. If asking for their blessing is important to the family the young man is about to marry into, he should do it - DOUBLY so if it’s important to his wife-to-be. If he doesn’t, it’d make me wonder what else he’s going to disregard about his wife’s feelings throughout the marriage.
Too bad there’s not a way to divide a derailed thread.
Why don’t fathers like the guy who’s having sex with their daughter? I don’t get it 