I can’t imagine asking the father -first-. A) it does kinda seem like ‘daughter is yours to give away’, and B) just blatently assumes the girl is going to say yes or has no choice in the matter.
But after the current Mrs. DragonAsh said yes, we set up a dinner at her home and I told the future in-laws that we had decided to get married and we asked for their blessing (not permission). We did the same with my parents as well.
It’s called respect; I can’t imagine not wanting to extend as much courtesy to my soon-to-be extended family as I do my own family.
Meh - I have never been one to fuss over my appearence, and even at my age I still go far too long between haircuts; usually it’s only after a week or two of ‘mountain man jack’ comments from the wife before I give in. I’d give the guy a pass on this point.
Still think 21 is way too young to get married tho. Just too much life experience and growing/changing over the next 10 years to guarantee that they’ll both like the person they end up being in their early 30s…
I heavily suspect this is the only reason the tradition is continued. To get the parents to cough up.
I know my cousin’s husband asked her Dad first, but they she went for the whole fairytale thing, and her Dad’s so heavily traditional he opened a bank account to save for her wedding on the day she was born. He also knew pretty well that my cousin would have no objection.
I neither expect to have anyone but me and future husband pay for my hypothetical wedding, nor expect anyone to ask my parents first. I’d be frankly weirded out if someone did. They’d be the first to know afterwards, but a guy who would put my parents opinion before mine?! Suuuure I want to spend my life with them. I wasn’t exactly brought up by traditionalists- my Mum did say if I do decide to marry, she may spring for a cake. If it’s not a big cake…
I don’t think asking for the parent’s blessing before popping the question is so much putting their opinion before the bride to be’s. (Suppose the parents say no, we won’t give our blessing - so what? No man worth the name is gonna just slink away and NOT propose, he’s gonna fight for his woman.)
I mean seriously … when you’ve been together a while, you know if the relationship is heading toward marriage. I’ve never known a bride that was blindsided by a marriage proposal. They might be blindsided by the delivery (scoreboard at a baseball game, kneeling in the middle of a restaurant, etc.) but it’s not like they’re going “ZOMG I TOTALLY DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING AFTER 2 YEARS OF SERIOUS DATING AND TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE!”
But by the same token, so do the parents. If the family is close enough that the parents would be involved with the wedding, then they are close enough in the preceding years to have some idea that it might occur one day, no? They’ve had [insert number of years here] to object to the wedding/raise any issue they have with their children with regards to their potential spouse; why would any sane parent wait until the guy asks the girl’s dad before raising any objection?
Parents can choose to pay what they want, and that is often something that the daughter knows may or may not happen based upon her interactions with her parents over the course of her lifetime. The guy shouldn’t be going to her dad and asking “will you pay for this?” anyways - a wedding can be as cheap as the license fee and a Bic pen, and if that’s not good enough for either the bride or groom, then that’s their problem, not mommy and daddy’s to solve.
This is really interesting–just a little while ago I participated in a discussion on a different board in which many women said their husbands didn’t ask for the dad’s blessing and they disliked such outmoded ideas about women as property and whatnot. They are all homeschooling moms btw. (There was also a smaller contingent of evangelicals who were all for it.)
It never occurred to my husband or to me to consult my dad beforehand, and I think Dad would have laughed if anyone had. He was really hoping we’d get married, and he and my husband are now best friends. They go out to lunch every Saturday! But when I called him up at 2am to announce the (surprise) engagement, he was his usual deadpan self and answered my “I’m engaged!” with “Oh, that’s just fine. Who to?”
At that time–age 22–I had no idea that anyone was still asking dads for their daughters’ hands. I was nearly done with grad school when a classmate surprised me by telling about how her fiance had done it. They’d been living together for years so I couldn’t see the point, and stuck my foot in my mouth by asking in all seriousness, “What if he said no?” But apparently it’s still fairly common. :dubious:
Your experience is more like mine. I don’t know anyone who would really want their husband to ask their father, and most would be offended at the thought. Quite a few of the fathers I know would also be insulted on behalf of their daughters and wives, actually.
Then again, I don’t know anyone who married below the age of 27 (and she was the first). I’m sure that factors into it. I find it slightly less reprehensible of a custom if the daughter is still the parents’s dependent (living at home, and/or not financially independent). Even then I think the custom of going only to the father (because he speaks for the women in his house) to be rather gross.
I don’t know–my friends and I were all around 21–in college or just graduated–and I don’t know that any of us did it. The poster above said that he sees all those college-educated professionals in their upper 20s and early 30s doing it–which makes me suspect that they aren’t so much ‘asking for dad’s permission’ as following a formula that they see as traditional, and they want to do it correctly whether or not it actually means anything.
So I’m leaning towards thinking that it’s more something that goes with a personality type than an age.
I told my (now wife) fiancee that I was going to ask her rather estranged indian father for her hand, but we went and got married first… I will probably still ask for his blessing, but more as a somewhat funny, outmoded tradition way. She expects me to, and thinks we will get along great- which she is fine with as long as she doesn’t have to talk to him!
The traditions of the proposal, asking the dad for her hand, the bridal showers, the engagement, even the wedding, is just theater. Most couples discuss getting married well before all of that stuff ever happens. The theater is fun and fulfills most girls childhood fantasies about being that special bride. Boyfriends and dads play their part because they love their girls. Sometimes you have moms that interfere because they want to see their daughter have the wedding they never got to have…even if it differs from what their daughter wants.
Weddings and engagements have evolved, I know two late 20 somethings living together with plans to get married eventually.They recently sprung a surprise engagemet tete te,first it involved the groom flying S for golf and a talk with her Dad, while the bride’s besties were secretly arranging to fly up N for the big meet the families enagement dinner.
I guess the expected ring bling was produced then too.
If it’s just theater, then I hope you agree that not asking the dad first does not reflect on the respectability of the groom-to-be at all, you asserted earlier. Participating in tradition is not inherently more respectable than choosing not to.
Why? Really- following tradition is always better and not following tradition is always worse? Even if it’s only theater? What a bizarre contradiction.
I had a beautiful, nontraditional, deeply meaningful wedding. The lack of “tradition” didn’t diminish the importance to any involved. Alternatively I’ve seen screaming harpies of brides and checked out, uninterested grooms that followed traditions and it meant nothing.
