Please do not isolate yourself from others when you’re in this kind of pain.
That would be an act of spiritual violence against yourself.
Be with people.
Let them be with you.
Try the calming quiet of a libray or bookstore. Always helps me.
Go to a park. Long walks are a stress reliever I have used for years.
But don’t torture yourself with loneliness.
And…unplug the TV.
jarbabyj,
"As a waitress was taking a couple’s order, she noticed that the man was slowly sliding under the table. The woman didn’t seem to notice. When she finished taking the order, the waitress asked, “Pardon me, madam. Is everything OK? Your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly replied, “No he didn’t. In fact, my husband just walked through the front door.”
sigh Worth a shot.
With the above attempt at humor, I am not minimizing your problems or the incredible horror of the last few days.
jarbabyj, you say that you feel unworthy of attention when others are dying/have died, that you’re ashamed (if I’m reading you correctly) because others have been through worse.
{jarbabyj**, your problems are as real and as immediate as anyone who has lost a loved one on 9/11, as anyone who slogged through the jungles of Vietnam. “Worse” or “better” are meaningless in this situation. You are worthy of help and sympathy, because you are a human being, and (from what I’ve seen on these boards) a pretty damn good one.
I’ve felt, over the last few days, the same resistance to having fun, smiling, enjoying myself. It does seem almost an insult to those who have died and lost. But you know, maybe it is more of an insult to them if we allow ourselves to forget to live life to the fullest (which varies from person to person), or to feel that their deaths invalidates our lives.
jarbabyj, take your time. Different people heal at different rates. Just take care of yourself, OK?
I haven’t read this entire thread, but I have to respond. jarbaby, in another thread you said I “rubbed you the wrong way” and “implied you were a weakling”. I answered that it was not my intention to do that. I went over my post and couldn’t figure out how you could take what I said that way. But I apologized anyway because I sincerely didn’t mean to say anything against you.
Now I’ve read your OP. I can see where you are coming from. I think you should take Zette’s advice (even if she does like Harleys 
) and talk to a counselor. I’m not calling you crazy. Counselors can help you to work through your feelings. We all deal with things in different ways. A guy in Seattle responded with hatred and was arrested while trying to burn down a mosque. Other people use gallows humour. Some people become abrasive. Or they withdraw. Or they do any of a hundred things. And sometimes they become afraid. My sister would not go into a Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour after a civilian-owned F-86 crashed into one in another city. Some things will paralyze her with fear, to the point where she will just sob and ask for someone else to deal with the situation. As for myself, I “go tactical”, assessing the situation and the options and applying cold equations to it. Still, I was angry and depressed as you can see in many of the threads I’ve posted to since Tuesday (particulary the “I’m very tired” thread). People are different and so are their responses.
I am not a psychologist, but the symptoms you are describing sound like Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. The best thing you can do is to talk it out with someone who knows exactly how to deal with it.
I am not ridiculing you, or rebutting you, or doing anything else against you. If anything I have written can be taken in either a good way or a bad way, please know that I meant it the good way.
I’d like to offer you a hug, if you’ll accept it.
I, too, have been paralysed by fear like Jarbaby. My husband has had to work at night all week, which is nice because I get to be with him during the day, but sucky because I always have trouble sleeping when he’s not here. On Tuesday night, I didn’t want him to go to work and stood at the door crying like a child as he drove away.
Several years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD due to having been abused by my parents, and I still have some of the symptoms (exaggerated startle response for one), I have been in therapy for several years to work through the damage caused by my family. One of my therapists told me that the symptoms can get better, and then they can come back if you are re-traumatized. A few years ago, a guy I was dating and I were assaulted, and I realized that my symptoms had returned. I worked through it with my therapist at the time.
I am still obsessed with the news. On Wednesday, I kept welling up all day. I felt silly crying because I don’t know anyone that died or was injured in the attacks. I wasn’t able to do anything, I felt like a scared little girl. I am forcing myself NOT to watch tv all the time. We went to the library and I got out the sequel to Bridget Jones’ Diary and read it in less that a day and laughed a lot while I was reading. I stopped being so harsh with myself- I don’t HAVE to be doing tons of housework every day, I can sit around and baby myself with music and hot cups of tea. I play with and cuddle my cats. We went to visit with friends tonight who have kids, and I spent some time with the kids and it was good to be around them.
I still feel scared. My husband is scheduled to fly to CA in two weeks (We live in VA), and I am scared shitless. But I know that by dwelling on all this I am not taking care of myself. I am going to make myself get out of the house and do things. I only allow myslef to watch a couple hours of news, instead of having the tv on all day.
Yes, it is possible to be traumatized or get PTSD from a situation like the attacks. It won’t be as bad as the PTSD that, say, a Vietnam Vet would have, but it’s there. And it doesn’t mean you are weak or crazy. ALL OF US experienced trauma, whether we just watched the horrors unfold on tv or were witness to it first-hand. Talk to people about what you’re feeling. Visit some websites that have to do with mental health. Take care of yourself, make yourself do some fun things. Whatever news we miss will still be there a few hours later. Above all, GET HELP if you do not feel like this is controlling your life.
You’re not weak and you’re not sick. Those of us who aren’t as scared as you may, at some point in the future, deal with some sort of other manifestation of the horror we’ve been seeing. Your reaction is normal and that’s true even if it’s not the same reaction everyone else is having.
I think about my coworkers, all of us together seeing the same stuff at the same time on Tuesday. P. was shaking all day. Most of us wanted her to go home. B. was mad, pissed, enraged, stalking about the office like a caged animal. M. cracked macabre jokes. Me, I occasionally bawled but I thought I was okay until the next morning I came to work and saw three huge moving trucks parked in front of my building, no explanation, the drivers gone. I got so utterly paranoid I nearly fled back to my car. All of our reactions were normal. None of us were more or less “normal” of dysfunctional than others. It’s just that some of us need to do different things to deal with what we’re feeling. I think you need to kick you own ass/mind a little bit to get it out of a rut. Maybe a stress counselor could help. Maybe a break will. Needing help isn’t weird. That’s why they have goddamn counseling lines all over the place. Hell, I’m 750 miles from New York and far from any good terrorist target and my employer and community are providing all kinds of resources. Because it’s normal and expected for people to need them.
I went to see a movie tonight and unbelievably forgot about the whole thing until we passed the fire station with its candelaria surrounding the flagpole. I looked at the clock and realized for the first time in three days I forgot about the tragedy for over 2 hours.
jarbabyj,
While I haven’t read all of the responses to your OP, I have to agree with Zette and get some counseling of some kind.
Our lives are not safe, never have been, never will be. Would I give up more of my personal liberties to be “safer?” Ummmm no. Why? Because we are less likely to experience a terrorist attack in our measily little lives than we are to be killed in a car accident or even experience a horrible accident right in our homes. In addition, the moment we take away liberties of ours to be safer someone is there to find a hole in the system. Will I ever fly in a plane again? Probably not but that is because I hate being in planes as it is and this just cemented my fear of flying even further. It’s an irrational fear but one I have possessed for many years now and this escalated it. But that’s not stopping me from doing my daily life.
I realize that what we have experienced has rocked your world, it has rocked all of us but being a afraid of another terrorist attack is exactly what those people wanted. They want you to be afraid. We all are afraid in some way but many of us are not allowing these assholes to consume our thinking and what we do with our regular lives.
I highly recommend that you look to some support to help you through this time. It’s not an easy time for any of us and if you are becoming depressed, losing weight and sleep you are headed down a road I don’t want you to see. Depression is never a place to go as I have been there and it plain sucks.
Please, don’t be afraid to contact your regular physician for a recommendation of a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist. There is no shame in feeling the way you do but if you don’t get a handle on it now, you could end up like many people like me that go through fits of depression through the rest of their lives. You don’t want to go there.
What is pulling me through this horrific time given my past? I am not sure, I think my resolve to never be there again. To understand that what happened is absolutely horrible, it’s insane, it’s beyond understanding but I have my family, my friends and a country that is supporting one another in a way I don’t think I have ever seen in my 33 years on this Earth. I am taking comfort in the fact that I have never seen (even with OKC, Columbine, etc.) people come together in this manner. It shows me that there is hope in our world and we live in a very strong country.
Please, hun, talk to a professional if you can’t get yourself out of this funk. It is very important you don’t go down that road. Also, know that we are here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on – we have a pretty awesome community here on the SD.
jarbabyj- You can’t feel guilty about the emotions you are having right now. I was on antidepressants for a while myself, and I recognize that feeling. By thinking that you aren’t entitled to your fear and sadness, by thinking that you are weak for having these emotions, you are merely making your torment worse.
There are two things I think you should realize. First is that it is okay to feel all the things you are feeling right now. This was a momentous and tragic event; you have every right to be afraid and sad. You are not required to turn off your emotions in deference to those people who were more directly affected. Secondly, you should realize that it is not a sign of weakness to need help. Everybody needs help from time to time.
You sound like you are having a hard time dealing with this event. A therapist could probably help, as could talking things over with your husband, your friends and family. Don’t let it well up inside you. Don’t try to hide your feelings to maintain a facade of wellness. Everyone who loves you knows that you are strong, and will not think any less of you for needing their help. You’re human, just like the rest of us.
My sister is a flight attendant for Northwest Airlines AND she was an extra in that stupid movie.
Now after reading this thread about the flight attendant with her hands bound, I am depressed again.
But I honestly believe that the world is going to be safer after this military action that will take place soon. But I know what you mean, I can’t get enough of the coverage on TV and people’s opinions on this web site.
(cut down on the coffee!)
To be fair, they might be doing this to counter certain comments that a certain TV evangelist made recently…
First of all, I love all of you. And frankly, I mean it. You’re all very smart and calm and helpful and thank GOD for Tansu reminding me of my life’s mantra: WHAT WOULD TILL DO? 
So here’s what happened. My husband kicked my ass. Figuratively, of course. I was at home, flipping through coverage and he came home from work and said “Joe and Amy went out and bought the worst movie ever” (I think it’s called Manitou), “we’re going to get something to eat and go watch it with them”
jarbaby: “i don’t really feel like it”
big, hulking jarhubby: “get up, we’re going”
So we went to Resi’s (A german restaurant, familiar to ChiDope participants), sat outside, away from the t.v.s in the bar, and ate rahmschnitzel and drank beer. After a stein of beer I started talking. And I realized that the reason I’ve been so obsessed with coverage is that I’ve been waiting for someone, some expert, some government official to provide me with reassurance, and all I’ve seen is people trying to make me more scared.
Katie Couric said yesterday “I don’t want to frighten people BUT the possibility of biochemical…blah blah blah”
Dan Rather assured us that “We can’t know how deep the economic impact will be until we see the full damage on monday…blah blah blah”
I mean, what’s to be gained by panicing the nation?
Anyway, mr jar and I talked, I had another beer, and amazingly, became tired…very tired. German food and alcohol are like roofies for God’s sake.
So I skipped out on Manitou, went home, and slept from nine p.m. to nine a.m.
I’m still a little jittery, but I do seem to have a better hold on things today.
Thanks for your support with all of this. I apologize profusely for putting y’all through my “crazy chick who needs a good slap” performance.
I hope to return to regular jarbabyprograming shortly.
jarbaby
Manitou?
You didn’t miss anything except maybe disbelief of the “Oh, my God, I can’t believe someone actually filmed this!” variety.
I’m glad you got some sleep. Take better care of yourself, please.
Yeah, that was a pretty crappy film. Although Prophecy (the one about the mutated bear, not the one about the battle in heaven) is right up there. Or down there.
Bravo for the jarhubby!
Now, get outside and try to enjoy life some. Go for a brisk walk or run. See some kids playing in the park. Try to stay away from the coverage as much as you can today.
It’s not an act of disrespect to allow yourself to go on with your life. It’s a statement of defiance to the evil people who had hoped to bring a nation to its knees. We are all deeply saddened, and will remain so for some time — but life will go on. (Jeez, I’m not used to spouting off with patriotic glurge — but I mean every word of it.)
Glad to see you coming around, jarbabyj.
Mr. Jarbabyj gets my vote for Good Husband Of The Year. Perfect therapy!
Yeah, I think a lot of this “unplug” advice is right on target for a lot of people.
I myself plan on just not thinking about it for a while–to drink deep draughts of the elixir of escapeism, and just tune out of current events so I can relax and not have to worry about the geopolitical and economic fallout for a while. Nothing I can do about it, anyway. I think I’ll just take my annual two weeks off and go camping and fishing. No phone, no radio, no tv, no nothing. It will do my heart and soul good.
…
What’s that?
I’m a journalist covering the event’s impact on Wall Street and the world financial markets?
And an Army National Guard infantry company commander on the side?
Well, nebbermind!
Great job, Jar.
I spent time communing with nature today. I mowed my lawn, and (I know how corney this sounds) I swear it has never smelled so good. I went for a walk in the woods, felt the peace and quiet, and cried when I saw a plane overhead. I don’t know if I cried with joy at the return to normal life or in fear of what’s to come.
I went out and bought three gorgeous mums and planted them. I weeded out everything dead in my garden and replaced them with fresh, beautiful flowers. I felt the need to be with living things- to plant living things.
I straightened up my front porch- suddenly I feel a very real urge to nest. Is that weird? Then I put out two nice, big, round pumpkins and a mum. Everything appears neat and orderly at my house, and it makes me feel at peace.
I didn’t mean to go on like that, but that’s just what I did today, the first day I’ve not listened to any coverage of the terrorist attack. I once again heartily recommend listening to NPR for your news and staying away from network TV. Panic and reliving horror is doing no one any good.
Zette
I’m glad to see that you’re feeling better, jarbabyj. I thought I’d offer my two cents for the next time you’re feeling insecure.
There’s a book by Alan Watts called The Wisdom of Insecurity which deals with exactly the type of feelings that you described in the OP. I highly recommend it, to you and to everybody.
PS: Mods, if you find the amazon link inappropriate, please remove it.
jarbabyj - I don’t know if it’s been said in this thread yet, but it’s perfectly okay to be afraid.
Courage is not a lack of fear. Courage is the ability to do the right thing even when fear is consuming you. Those firefighters that went into an unstable building were TERRIFIED, I can guarantee you. They did their jobs anyway.
I read a biography of a famous fighter pilot in WWII who said that every time he got in the cockpit he was so terrified he could hardly see. His hands would shake, and he would almost wet himself. But he got the job done.
If you try and find a way to be unafraid, you’ll fail. Instead, embrace your fear. Understand that it’s a rational reaction to a new threat that we all now face.
But don’t let it run you. You have to figure out a way to do the things you did last week. Go to work, see your friends, help keep society going in the face of destruction. Deny the enemy the satisfaction of seeing our society change based on what he did. Don’t give up your freedoms - demand to keep them even if they bring danger, because it’s our freedom that the enemy is after.
Live your life, help your friends, go to work, keep it together. And you too will be a hero. Go ahead and cry at night in bed - there’s nothing wrong with that. Take comfort in knowing that as you lie there in the dark, we are all with you, surrounding you, feeling the same thing.
And that in the morning we will all get up and continue doing the right things, the hard things, because we have to, and because we are courageous people. And so are you.
Just wanted to say that I too have always believed the word “panicking” should be spelled YOUR way. I don’t know if maybe it’s an American thing, a tpying mistake, or your own personal individuality expressing itself. All I can say is “good job”. Keep it up, sister. I’m so glad you feel better!
jarbabyj, you have a brilliant husband.
I’m so glad I helped a little.