The Good News is: I finally realized why people use the “On Sabbatical” feature.
The Not So Good News is: I’m going to use it.
It hit me last night as I lay awake wondering why Necros hated me so much, when it’s obvious he doesn’t and I was obviously just reading into something he posted in my food snobbery thread. I tossed and turned about it. A post on a message board. It hit me when I started crying reading the Oprah thread. It hit me when I realized that I still remember Dr. Paprika telling me I’m not cool. You see, as I look back over the past couple of months of me on the SD, it’s been:
Jarbaby sniping and being rude and crabby at people: Acco40, Tretiak, SpaceGhost, LittleTigger, Zenster, MikeG, Ultress, SeaSorburst to name a few.
And then Jarbaby not being able to take it when people feed it right back.
It’s Jarbaby posting a thread about trying to be a good Christian and then posting a pit rant about a total stranger two hours later.
I’ve started more pit threads than ever, and then people come in and tell me how great I am at being mean to people. It’s nothing to be proud of that I swear and rant and rave and wish sickness and impalings on people. I’ve been bated in the pit lately, people asking me to rant about something or “waiting for jarbaby to show up”, and I’m tired of it. I guess it’s fun to watch me fly off the handle, but I’m afraid I must inform you that I am not the Pit’s bitch.
I’ve also been brought to realize (honestly Hama, thank you for this) that I post here to feel validated. I post here because people tell me I’m funny and entertaining. People tell me I’m sexy and desirable and great to have around. (people who have never met me, mind you) It’s vanity. I’m just feeding off of it. It’s something I don’t get enough of in real life and so I come to a message board to get it. But what do I give back? Nothing. I’ve never been able to answer a General Question, never Settled A Great Debate, never Debunked a Myth. I’m just hear with ill formed opinion and one liners about sex. It’s ridiculous. Then I go to Dopefests and people quite literaly get mad if I’m not wearing pigtails, or not showing cleavage. It’s like if I wanted to wear jeans and a sweatshirt, I couldn’t. I did all this back in college and I’m not sure I want to go through it again.
I care a lot about what people think of me. And I know that’s not good. I shouldn’t give a rat’s ass what anyone thinks of me. But I do. And I think that this problem has contributed a thousandfold to my depression and anxiety. I worry more about what people on the Straight Dope think about me than anyone else. Because I can’t show you the real Jessica on the Straight Dope, I can only type jarbabyisms. I come here and beg for sympathy when my back hurts or I’m scared of terrorism, as if you owe me sympathy. As if my fear or pain is more important than yours.
I’ve stopped writing. Part of that is depression, part of it is busy holidays and part of it is SDMB obsession. Something in my head says “well if 10 people like my Cocky Possum story I don’t really need to publish a novel”. I get on my computer to write books and end up talking about blow jobs in chat.
And while we’re at it, I’m tired of incessant flirting. I know, I know. This is more hypocrisy, based on my pursuit of Coldfire alone. But I’m tired of going into threads of ANY forum and ANY topic and having it turn into someone making a sexual commentary to me regardless of what I’m talking about. Flirting works sometimes (Like my Want Ad thread, which now makes me sick) and doesn’t work other times (like in Great Debates) Believe it or not, I am a relatively smart person and I do know a thing or two about stuff (you just haven’t asked about the right things:)) I go into chat, and saying “I’m going to Walgreens for pecans” results in three guys offering me “their nuts”. It’s tiresome. And I notice other people getting frustrated with it.
And finally: My husband and I got in a tiff today about me going to a Dopefest. That’s ridiculous. IT’S RIDICULOUS. I have to stop. And if I don’t have my privileges revoked, I won’t. Because I spend too much time here every day.
And I spend that time because I’ve made so many great friends on this board. Real life friends, internet friends. I’ve met people from other countries. Coldfire helped me with my book, Magdalene took me to happy hour, MikeG introduced me to ChiDopers, Milossarian let me in the Fantasy league.
This Board makes me happy. It’s helped me through a lot of crazy shit that you all shouldn’t have had to listen to.
But lately it’s made me sad, and I’ve made other people sad with my inane ramblings, and the world is sad enough already.
Maybe will Christmas will help me sort things out. Maybe I need to up the dosage. Maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. Maybe I’ll be back in a week or two. But I do know that right now I need a break. Pronto. It’s ruining my real life.
So carry on. I’ll miss you. Send me email if you’d like. I hope I’ll be back soon.