She came to the straightdope to see if perhaps…for once, one of her questions to Cecil had been answered.
Sadly, it had not. She was still in the dark on the subject of schnapps, as she had been for many years. But her boss was out of town and she had no assignments, so she decided to “REGISTER” to be a “MEMBER” of the Straight Dope Message Board.
“What new fresh hell is this?” she thought aloud, generating a look from the UPS guy. She decided to use her website id as her username (although it was silly really…she was never going to post, she was just there for ONE day, to kill time)…and thus jarbabyj was born…
She decided to take her question to the masses and with her first click on the ‘submit’ button…she knew her fate was sealed, and she was in fact, addicted. She checked her mailbox every MINUTE to see if someone had replied…and when they did…she nearly urinated with excitment. This BOARD…as they called it…was fun!
She decided to lurk about, learning what trolls were, what Hi Opal meant, what AFAIK meant…delving the depths.
She clicked on thread after thread thinking, “these people are like a fucking think tank! They’re brilliant! They know everything about everything and THEN some, PLUS they quote the Simpsons. They find it FUN to argue about abortion and circumcision, they PASS THE TIME by talking about taxes! This board is FAR FAR FAR out of my league.”
And then she left Great Debates.
She headed for “THE PIT”…say…was it some sort of BDSM area? Yes! YES IT WAS!
No wait…it wasn’t…but close. She read the now internationally famous Telemarketer Rant from Cervaise and immediately started calling her friends and family “poor addled cows”. She asked Cervaise if she could be his slave. It didn’t go over well.
“Clearly,” she thought, again, aloud, causing her assistant to lean over and stare, “This is a board that is not about sex. Or flirting. These are serious people with serious issues. I’d better keep my hormones under my hat. Besides. It’s not like there will be any sexy dominant male bondage types here.”
She browsed some more. She fell in love instantly with Coldfire, but was warned within minutes that he was off limits, and she should just give up on trying to get him to notice her. Was it true? Or was that girl just trying to keep him to herself? We’ll never know.
She promised Kellibelli that she’d never post anything that didn’t have a shred of substance to it, that she would never have a post party, that she wouldn’t be a goofball, and Kelli expressed appreciation.
Then she started a thread about A Great Conspiracy, that never seemed to die.
She promised HERSELF that she wouldn’t OVERUSE the smilies feature.
And then she discovered how effective a good :rolleyes: could be.
She promised HERSELF that she would try not to swear.
And then it slipped. Very innocently, she thought. Nobody will notice that i said fuckchop, she thought. And asshammer? Everyone says that, right?
Everyone, apparently, did not. And then the pressure was on for jarbabyj to come up with new and amazing insults…one after another, to please the masses that were beating down her door…or something like that.
She promised HERSELF that she’d never have a picture of herself available…and then she received an email from a doper simply saying “send me a picture” and she directed that man here.
What was she doing? What was she thinking? What sort of can of worms was she opening? At this point, she didn’t care…because the straightdope had taught her to spell abscess.
And it was amazing the things people thought about her!
They thought she was funny! And sexy! and statuesque (she’s 5’7", how can that be?)! And oversensitive! And a dupe! And a queen! And a MAN!
And her personal favorite, A LYING SHIT.
She became Krunk’s personal whore, and a thorn in Arden Ranger’s side. She became the spokeswoman for German industrial music, and the headmistress of the No Anal fanclub.
And so…1000 posts later, she has broken a million promises. Promises to not nitpick, promises to not flirt, promises to not make fun of typos or teenagers, promises to not bring up Rammstein in casual conversation, promises to not bash the Green Bay Packers, promises to not talk about her sex life, promises to not hit on Manhattan.
I think it’s clear…she’s no good.
And she’s getting worse…but at this point., I’m afraid, we see no sign of her stopping.
jarbaby
p.s.: Kellibelli, this is not a post party 
