I want an elephant

I always have. But I’m watching a National Geographic show on elephants. They stick up for each other. They’re intelligent. Then there’s that useful trunk. I could get rid of the car an ride him to work. Who would argue? And nobody would mess with me when they see the elephant in the garage.

I want an elephant.

And a pengiun.

What do you want?

I want a baby capuchin monkey, as featured on YouTube. I also want an albino python. Oops. The albino python ate the baby capuchin monkey.

I know: I want George Clooney. He’s an animal, isn’t he?

May I have a tiger, please?

No, you don’t.

I want peafowl.

I vant a pony.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas.

Ivana Humpalot

You are aware, are you not, that peafowl produce a cry which sounds strikingly like a screaming woman? It might be awkward if the neighbors start thinking you’re a serial killer, or something.

I want a llama.

I want a Kiwi bird!

I want ducks.

In a now-famous thread, a Doper named Homer (in a thread no longer online) waxed poetically about monkey butlers, as did Bart Simpson (no relation). That’s what I want. Except I want one that talks. And plays the piano. (Hey, no one said the things we want have to actually exist).

Speaking of Bart Simpson, he learned the hard way once that an elephant is not something you want as a pet, even if KBBL is gonna give you something stupid.

I want a sugar glider. http://www.sugar-gliders.com/images/white-face.jpg

I want a Tazmanian Devil!

Nooooo! You guys have got it all wrong!

We want PYGMY elephants! Ones we can keep in the house.

I want a cuttlefish.

Can I have a nautilus, too?

My girlfriend wants an elephant very much; I’d like to give her one. There isn’t much room in her apartment, so it would have to be a baby elephant.

See? If she had a two-foot high elephant she’d be able to keep it for longer than a baby one. We need to breed pygmy elephants!

Maybe they’ll just think I’m an excellent lover.

Let me tell you something about elephants. They are hell to housebreak.