I want to give away our child

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I am essentially married to a beautiful woman whose life I joined after she had a kid. She was an unwed teen mom but by the time I fell into her life she was in her early 20s and her kid was almost 5. I will never know what it’s like to have a biological birth but if it’s even close to how I felt the day he called me dad unprompted for the first time, I know how all you bio-dads feel on the day your child is born.

Our child is incredibly smart and incredibly precocious. He says the funniest things. He has a great imagination. And he will one day break hearts. All of this is true and not just parental musings. Anyone who spends five minutes with him sees all of this.

Unfortunately, there is more. A lot more.

Our child once he started kindergarten got into problems almost immediiately. He would be violent with kids. We had to go into school once when he stabbed another child with a pencil. He was constantly getting into fights and he was rude and disrespectful of authority figures. (“You’re not my mom,” he would say to his teacher.)

Now, both his mom and I are very liberal for the most part. Both of us wanted to raise our kid progressively. To communicate as a peer with respect. And both of us, feeling that kids are overmedicated, were adamant about not having our kid get some kind of drugs which would stiffle his personality and kept him docile to a fault. And we did not want to use physical punishments at all. We did not malign parents who chose to spank their kids but we wanted to do it another way.

However, we also knew that he was having problems plus he attends an inner city public school which for reasons I don’t need to get into is not equipped to handle problem children as well as other settings.

We escalated punishments and tried to implement rewards. We took away things he liked such as toys and time on the TV and internet, we would reward him with trips to restaurants he liked when he was good. But it all never was enough. The calendar we put up, marking good days and bad, was always more bad than good.

End result: Our son went on Concerta. It seemed to calm him down in class. He was not perfect but at least he was not getting into fights.

He spent the summer at her mom’s house. It seemed like a win-win for everyone: Grandma and aunts could spend a lot of time with him (we moved 8 hours away so they cannot see us often), he could have the family that he grew up with around him again and honestly, we could get a break. Not just of childcare expenses (both of us work of course) but from our son.

He had a good summer as far as we were told and when he came back, we were refreshed and ready to start first grade. As you can expect, things deteriorated.

He is not getting into fights anymore (he has an outlet for his aggression, a girl his age, the granddaughter of the neighbor who now provides our afterschool care, who dishes it out as well as she can take it, and under the supervision of the neighbor - it is by all of our estimations a positive playful release for him) but he is still disrespectful of authority. Not just the teachers either - he started talking back to us, even, and the neighbor.

And he is in danger of not passing the first grade. Why? He simply chooses to not do his work. We would spend all week doing his homework and he would simply not turn it in on Fridays. Claims he forgot even though it’s in his bag and everyone else is turning it in. His mom or I would spend all week doing all of the homework with him and he doesn’t even turn it in!!!

In school, he would simply decide he didn’t want to work and that was it. The teacher has tried her best, I honestly believe this, but he stubbornly and sometimes rudely just says he will not do his work and I cannot blame her for not holding up an entire class over it.

We have had conferences with the teacher. He is in therapy. Still on medication. But only things get worse.

Although his mom and I are liberal as I said, we are not dogmatic. We relented when it came to medication for our son and when his room was devoid of all toys and he could never watch TV or the internet and still he was misbehaving, we reached our wits end. We started spanking our son as a punishment. We do not regret this in that it did help at first and still feel that it was the right decision.

This past week, things reached a head. After Monday off, I said that if he was good at school just for the four remaining days that he could keep the toys that my sisters and brothers got him for Christmas (we got them late for reasons unimportant to this).

He was good on Tuesday through Thursday but Friday was a different day. Our son went to the bathroom and smeared his feses all over the stall. This is not the first time that he did this - he did it at home a few times and was punished for it and had to clean it up - but it was the first time that he did it at school.

Now in addition to all of his other problems, kids are picking on him as you would expect. His mother and I have to attend a meeting about this. A MEETING! Can you imagine how this makes us feel, to have his teahcer and principal discuss our son smearing his own shit in a bathroom stall? On top of all of his other behavior problems? On top of everything else? Just the way we will be looked at is enough to make me wither away like a slug in sunlight…

I was away yesterday on business when his mom called me (this is very rare but that’s how it goes). She was crying uncontrollably. She feels like a horrible mother. The worst. She is blaming everything on her. She is in shock and I have joined her that I must be the worst father in the world.

I always thought that good parents did two things that separated them from bad ones: They loved their kids and set up rules with rewards and punishments to help their kids learn right from wrong. In short, they just gave a fuck. I always thought that was enough! Now, I wonder…

I am tired, oh so tired. I love my son but I see what he is doing to his mother and to me. The time we both take off from work for him is threatening our occupations. Which is fine in the respect that we would both quit our jobs if it meant our son growing up to be a productive member of society, but nothing works.

Last night as his mother sobbed into my phone that she would rather his son grow up to hate her and still be a productive member of society than love her and be a criminal. Last night, she begged for some kind of a break from him. A year she said. But her mom knows all about this - not the best sales pitch to have them take him for a while. Hell, we used taking away his summer trip to grandma as a punishment for failing the first grade and that didn’t motivate him at all…

She hit him. Spanked him with a belt on his bare ass for the first time. Hard. “I left bruises on my son,” she sobbed to me on the phone. Then she made him take an ice cold shower. He was screaming. She slapped him once across the face, said don’t you dare scream. He stopped screaming. I was not there but I can imagine the scene like I was. I am horrified but yet I totally understand. She is horrified but she doesn’t. She hates herself now.

I have not told her this and until she sees this thread (I may show it to her if I think it is productive - she doesn’t know that I am posting here, only that I am reaching out anonymously to an online forum) but right now, I would give him away.

I did not reach that decision lightly. I love my son. I am anguished over this.

But I don’t know what to do. I feel out of options - either he drags our lives down with him because nothing we do will help or at least his mother and I can salvage something while he gets help from someone who can do a better job with him.

It’s not just selfishness that I say this - I really am starting to feel that maybe we are shitty parents and maybe he would be best with someone else, or to have the state take care of him. Anyone but us.

So there is my story. Can anyone provide advice?

2

Wow. I’m so incredibly sorry-the pain in your post is really palpable. I wish you the best with this.

I am not a doctor-my sister is a psychiatrist, though. I know you say you are against overmedicating-but who has evaluated your kid? Is it just a GP in conjunction with a psychologist? Have you considered seeing a child psychiatrist or going to a specialised psychiatry unit at a teaching hospital?

Again, I am so sorry.

3

I’ll offer advice, but remember, It is worth exactly what you paid for it.

Firstly, assuming that this is not a whoosh story, I’m sorry for the situation you find yourself in.

That said, you need to take your family to counseling immediately. While children can often be difficult, shit-smearing strikes me as an indicator of a deeper personality issue, or some other mental condition at work. You need to have your child evaluated by a psychiatrist and find out if there is an actual problem at work, of if his behavioral issues are stemming from some other problem.

Your wife has an anger problem, and there is never any excuse for beating a child like that. I don’t give a flying fuck if he tried to burn the house down, it is not acceptable; espescially for a child so young. If you have to, you wrestle them down and hold him pinned until he stops having a fit, but you never beat a child. There are help lines in place in most states for this sort of thing. Call them. Get help, you can’t do this on your own, and your wife is obviously beyond being completely rational regarding this issue.

Assuming that your child is in all respects normal, I suggest you take the advice of your counselor regarding how to best address the behavioral problems. With all due respect, it sounds like your child is the worst sort of aggressive brat that doesn’t recognize any authority. It will not be easy to turn that around, but take heart in the fact that he is still quite young, and has the ability to change fundamentally.

4

Regardless of what anyone might tell you, even parents have a breaking point. If you or your wife are striking your child with a belt and forcing him to take ice cold showers, you are at this breaking point.

I would wager that the medication they have your son is not working. Not only would I recommend speaking to his doctor about adjusting or switching this medication, but I would also seek family counseling for this. Sending him to grandmas is not going to help him. Chances are, he’ll feel unloved and abandoned, you’ll feel like you’ve failed him and grandma will feel like she’s going to have a stroke.

A quick Google search tells me that there are several medications available for ADHD children. Let me be clear, I do not recommend dosing up your child and waiting for things to improve… I believe that family counseling on how best to proceed with providing your child with the structure that will best suit him.

The things you described initially (punishment/reward, etc) work on most children, but that doesn’t mean they work for every child, specifically if that child has special needs.

Another strong recommendation is to have him evaluated by a different psychiatrist, as the ADHD diagnosis may not have been correct.

I do wish you all the best and I cannot imagine how difficult this is for the both of you, but I know that setting yourself up with the proper support network (family counseling) and ensuring that your childs needs are met (proper medication and learning environment) is paramount to getting through this.

5

Jesus.

Does the therapist know that his mother is beating him with a belt and forcing ice cold showers on him? That’s abuse, no matter the provocation. Your wife (and you) are out of control with this kid. I’m not saying he’s not difficult or even “impossible”, but she is WAY out of line. He’s 6. He may (or may not) have some brain chemistry issues (ADD, learning disabilities, whathaveyou). TELL the therapist about this. Insist on an emergency conference. Foster care (from all I’ve heard about it) sucks for the kids and doesn’t help situations like this (please, someone with foster experience chime in here).

This escalation of physical harm is not the way. I am no expert, but seriously, belting him and forcing him into ice cold (or scalding hot) showers teaches him nothing and has created a fucked up dynamic among the 3 of you.
Smearing shit is a statement of trauma and anger–pay attention. Does the therapist know he’s done this? What does s/he say? Unfortunately, the situation is so high strung that to build trust and try to work together is that much more difficult for all concerned.

Stop with the outrageous punishments soaked in emotional drama. You’ve taken away his TV etc, but have you sat next to him while he does his work? Do you model appropriate behavior (no, you don’t–his mother sticks him in cold showers and beats the shit out of him with a belt) in conflict resolution? You are not figures of authority to him: you are figures of cruel and arbitrary dictatorship. No wonder he has trouble in school with other authority figures. He is acting out (IMO) and needs more help than he is getting.
I’d like to sympathize and to some extent I do–I know the helpless frustration a parent can have in the face of a child who just will not listen or act in his own best interest. But I cannot fully sympathize because thuggery does not work on children. Continue in this way and you will create a monster. Or this child will end up maimed or dead. I seriously doubt you intend such things for him. I think you do love this kid. But you all are out of control and making things worse. Look at your own habits: are alcohol or drugs involved? If so, that needs addressing as well. See below.

Is your wife in therapy? IMO, she needs to be–as do you. Who needs an ENTIRE YEAR off from their child? It sounds to me like you’re both tired of having to deal with this. A respite, sure, but for a whole year? Big red flag there, which tells me Mom and Dad don’t want to do the work that needs to be done. I can see a weekend or even 2 weeks or a summer, but a year is messed up.

I find I am angry at the both of you. I hope this horrible mess gets better, but ultimately, my sympathies go to this kid, who has no insight into his behavior, can only react to what is presented to him and who has no control over the harm that may come to him. He is trying to survive in an emotionally fraught and unstable environment. He is 6. You are not. You must find a better way–call the therapist. Get some medication/help for your wife. Don’t ever lay a hand on this kid again.

6

:rolleyes::dubious::mad:

7

Ever heard about families where one or another of the parents went out for cigarettes and vanished … I can perfectly understand wanting a year off, or the rest of ones life off from an intolerable situation. Hell, about 20-odd years back I wanted to just go elsewhere and start all over again.

One thing strikes me though, she was an unwed mother at WAY too young. She never had the chance to actually do the end of childhood/college/young newleywed honeymoon phase of life, all she had to deal with from WAY too young was a kid, raising a kid, providing for a kid. You have any idea how stressful that can be? I can see needing a vacation from stressors. Back in the 60s you could have mothers little helper or go to an asylum for a breakdown. I guess it isnt done anymore to have a nervous breakdown.

[and the stress part comes from my own experience of a personal meltdown … involving a cheating boyfriend, needing to move, and people who said they would help us move who never showed up and serious financial chrisis. I had a real wobbler involving punching out the boyfriend, kicking a hole in a door, and leaving for 2 weeks and staying on the floor of a friends dorm room 2 states away. The sofa was a total loss after being tossed off a third floor balcony though]

8

When and how did this change happen? You really confuse-a-fuck a little kid when you go from being pally-poos to dictator-with-belt.

I agree with others who say your entire clan needs to get into therapy. And perhaps parenting classes. IIRC from Child Psychology there are three types of parenting - lassiez faire, authoritarian, and the one inbetween the two. Here’s an article about parenting types. The first two types can really mess a kid up and it seems like you’ve employed both - possibly the first led to you having to switch to the second. Now everyone’s off the rails.

9

My youngest son, 10, has severe ADD, along with anger management problems and he gets bullied at school. We’ve been struggling along for years, and I completely understand how you and your wife feel. After trying everything and becoming completely frustrated and close to giving him away as well, we finally got into our state’s behavioral health system. It took a long time to go through evaluations and therapy and nurse practioners and paperwork and meetings, but he finally got on medication and consistent talk therapy.

It’s still a daily struggle. I still fantasize about taking a month away from him here and there, as it seems that the problems never end and it’s so much work, and nobody ever told me it would be like this. But we continue on, day by day, working on controlling his impulses, paying attention to what he’s doing, completing tasks, shoring up his self-esteem, encouraging him to communicate rather than striking out, etc.

I have two older boys and never any problems like this. It feels unfair and so incredibly difficult sometimes. However, in his favor my youngest is also incredibly attractive, charming, funny, and loving. Those things are why I haven’t given up, and I try to focus on them instead of on the problems when I can.

Good luck. Do please try therapy along with maybe a change in medication. Don’t let the judgements of others shame you into silence and isolation. Be open and honest with someone that can help you and get that help that you all need for yourselves and this boy.

Also, there’s no such thing as “essentially married”. Have you ever considered that your lack of commitment to the boy’s mother and therefore, the boy, has contributed to his damage?

10

You do not need help from a bunch of people you don’t know (who don’t know you or your family). You all need professional help. Counseling. Maybe your step-kid’s got Oppositionally Defiant Disorder. Maybe he’s got X, maybe Y (where x and y are just things I don’t know). Maybe you or your wife have A or B. Point is, even if I knew what X, Y, A, and B were, I’d never be able to properly diagnose it over the internet.

Your next and only course of action is to find better counseling now. Start with the school psychologist or guidance counselor. Go find a counselor who actually knows about child psych and will do tests. Don’t just go to your kid’s pediatrician.

Lastly, if a punishment doesn’t work, escalating the scale of punishment is not going to work, either. You need to find new ways of managing reward and punishment. If a spanking doesn’t correct a problem (for a 6 y/o), hitting with a belt won’t, either.

11

That’s a low blow. If we take the OP at his word, he’s stuck it out with the mother and become a father to a child that is not his. That fact that he even bothers to stick around should be applauded.

12

Taking the OP at face value:

  1. They apparently did sit with him while he did his homework. Note “His mom or I would spend all week doing all of the homework with him and he doesn’t even turn it in!!!”

  2. Again, if all is to be believed, mother and father started with talking and explaining why we don’t do these things. Then they moved to punishments. Then therapy. Then with doctor’s assistance, medication. Then when all failed, corporal punishment. Then we get the point where the belt and the icy shower were involved. To take the OP strictly on what is being said, things escalated from both sides when the steps they were taking didn’t seem to work. That’s not excusing the final step, but your post seems to go straight from “Misbehaving” to “Mommie Dearest” and makes it seem like you didn’t read the whole OP.

To address the OP - You’re not going to get any serious “answers” here apart from those that say you ALL need professional help. Anything else is conjecture, coloured by personal experience and not specific to your needs.

Please seek further assistance for your boy, your missus and yourself. Get counsellors in to observe the family if you need to. But the help you need is beyond the scope of this community to provide. I hope you find solutions, for all of you, soon.

13

I don’t think a wedding ring and a marriage certificate would have made a huge difference to a five year old who probably doesn’t even understand the social, legal, and cultural implications of a marriage. There are a fuckton of issues apparent in the OP (including the rather ridiculous notion that parents should be “respected peers” instead of actual parents, and the fact that the mother has apparently gone completely around the bend with an extended session of abuse that will leave actual scars and damage), but I really don’t think that’s one of them.

14

I was a bit of a problem child like this. I never smeared my shit but had problems like that.

Basically I grew out of it in terms of school but my parents never outgrew their problems so my progress was hindered by the fact that they thought it was all me. I was literally tortured by my step-Mother. I had scars into adulthood, literal scars. She’d call my Father down to come beat me with the belt, and he’d just take her side and shut it all out. I was sent to therapy. Even my Father at one point went for therapy, but my step-Mother never saw her own place in it. She never thought about her being at the root of the problem until she had the same problems with my sister. Now that we are both gone there is some understanding on my parents part.

Basically, there is a reality that your kid has a problem, but he may grow out of it, but the trauma you experience might permanently exacerbate the problem. Believe me hitting him is not going to make it better.

15

The kid has abandonment issues. That’s how it seems to me, but I might be projecting because that’s where my stuff came from. My Mother died when I was 4.

16

Sure, I’ve heard of it. It’s never good, except maybe for the one who ran away from their responsibilities. It’s not good for the kid (unless the one who leaves was abusive etc–but no one gets off scot-free in those kind of situations).

I don’t think anyone here would disagree that she had this child when she was too young herself. Not to be cruel, but so? He can’t just go away–she had him and now she must cope. She is NOT coping, not in the slightest. She is overwhelmed and needs help. Please don’t ever try to tell me or any other mother/parent how stressful parenting can be, no matter the age at which you had them. The demands of infancy, toddlerhood and all through all the developmental phases–each has its own set of stressors and challenges (and each has its own benefits and joys).

Have I ever wanted to just walk out of my marriage, my responsibilities and just keep walking? You bet. Who hasn’t? That’s not the issue. It’s the physical and emotional abuse of this kid. I read the OP as seriously looking for a way to dump this kid on someone else or put him in the system.

I have felt what this woman feels, to some extent. I have locked myself in the bathroom to prevent myself from hurting a baby. I have felt as out of control and as helpless and enraged as any parent faced with a seemingly impossible, never ending situation. I am fortunate in that these moments for me were just that–moments. And when they weren’t–I got help. Counseling provided a safe haven for me to express my inadequacies and feelings. Medication helped me get through my depression. IMO, the mom here needs both these things.
I shared this so that the OP will know that SOME of what he is feeling is normal and not uncommon. What is not is how they are treating this kid. To my mind, safety and security of a child takes precedence over the feelings of the parent. It is NOT ok what they are doing to this child.

billfish–I confess myself puzzled at your reaction to my post to the OP saying he should stop the abuse of this child. Is this something you disagree with? Beating a kid with a belt and forcing him into an ice cold shower is ok with you? I’m asking.

17

This adds to the dialog how?

18

Untreated/undiagnosed/self medicated:

My sister is 49 and has had mental health issues for 30 years. Two divorces, can’t hold a job, won’t take meds. Diagnosed as ADHD and bipolar with panic attacks. Her life is a mess and I have pretty much disowned her (a swirling vortex of need and drama and self pity). My father has anxiety/overreaction issues, as did his mother. (I inherited total dead calm from my mothers side).

My former employee (charming, with above average IQ and authority issues) has ADHD, so he self-medicated with heroin which helped him to focus. Adderall helped too, but he abused it and then went back to heroin. He’s 26 and has shot up since 13. His mother is a saint and has tried to help him for 20 years to no avail. His bio father is ADHD/heroin addict also.

Some of this could be hereditary. Are any bio relations taking (or need to take) meds?

Mental health issues need professional help. See a psychologist. If that does not help see another one. See an allergy specialist, it could be food allergies. Get this kid on MEDICATION. He does not need therapy unless he has had some major childhood trauma. He most likely has a chemical imbalance (and it sure sounds like ADHD to me) but only a qualified psychologist will be able to diagnose it. Be prepared to go through various meds to find the one that helps.

Leave this untreated and you will all need therapy. It will not get better on its own and needs to be addressed now.

Best of luck to you and yours. Chin up.

19

Get. Professional. Help.

You are all in over your head. I don’t think that is anyone’s fault. I don’t think you’re terrible people. With most kids you might have been a fine and happy family, but – look, some kids have problems. It’s not always clear where those problems come from, either. However, a 6 year old smearing shit all over a public bathroom is beyond normal behavior problems. That, right there, is a sign you need expert help. The parents taking several months off from the kid is way beyond normal behavior problems. The kid’s behavior threatening the parents’ jobs is way beyond normal bad behavior.

It’s even more alarming because you’ve already sought help and you’re still having such severe problems. Your child might have “issues” (such a mild word, isn’t it, for things that cause such disruption?) due to being fatherless with a too-young mother for his earliest years (which is NOT something your wife should beat herself up about, though she might be, given her reactions - she is not responsible for the sperm donor being absent, or at least I assume she’s not). He might have a chemical problem in his brain. There might be some other terrible thing occuring. Right now focusing on causes would probably not be as productive as getting his behavior under control, but clearly everyone involved (including your wife) understands that physical violence is not the answer.

Your son needs help. School is important, but given his behavior, he might be better off a year behind in school with his behavior under control than forced back into a classroom before he’s ready. Your wife needs help with her anger and emotional control. It sounds like she knows she did wrong, now she needs help to never do this again. YOU need help so you can help everyone else. Whatever help you’re getting is not enough or not the right kind or both.

The whole family needs to get help. The adults must be consistent in how they deal with your son. I would suggest some sort of integrated family counseling with extra attention to your son, who seems to be acting out way, way beyond normal limits. You’re willingness to admit something is wrong, that you may be at fault here to one degree or another, and that his mother would rather see him grow up happy and functional even if that means someone else raises him instead of clinging to him at all costs are all in your favor. It seems your are willing to do what is required - you just don’t know what to do. Find someone who does.

20

I hear that some disagree with me, but I really think that the boy being fatherless is very important in regards to his issues. Not the main cause of problem, maybe, but certainly not helping. I’ve never chosen to live with someone after my divorce, mostly because it could create feelings of insecurity and fear of abandonment for my children. I’ve heard that the best thing that a man can do for his son is to love his mother. The OP has referred to the boy as his son- how is he showing him his love for his mother if he won’t even commit legally to her and the family? That’s just my opinion, I know, but there it is there.