i was witnessed to last night

I’ve lived smack dab (that’s redneck talk for right in the middle of) the Bible Belt nearly all my life, and I had my first witnessing experience last night at the movies.

So, my friend and I are going to see Daredevil, and before we get to stand in line to get tickets, two teenagery looking girls walk up to us and say “how are you doing today? We’re from SuchandSuch Youth Group and we’re here tonight to tell people that Jesus loves them. Did you know that? That Jesus loves you?”

My friend was saved by the bell…er…phone ringer. Her cell phone rang, and before she answered it said “I know Jesus loves me”, and moved on.

I, however, was kind of annoyed by this. I mean, I’m going to a movie, not church, and dammit I’m going to miss the previews!!! So I blurt out “Sorry, but I’m an atheist”. (Which I’m not. I’m sort of agnostic, but not really anything at all. Well, I"m kind of bitter…I used to be a Bible Toting Christian, but a lot of things changed that.)

The girls eyes slightly bugged out of her head. “You are?!”

“Yes,” I replied, and moved quickly in line.

No more witnessing to me.

On retrospect, I should’ve said something cooler, such as “I’m a Wiccan Pagan” or “I worship space aliens as our original creators and they would mess me up if I turned to Jesus”
Just thought I’d share.

OK, we’re all Dopers here, are we not? I say, let’s see what kind of clever retorts we can think of in case anyone approaches any one of us and says “Do you know Jesus loves you?”

My response might go like this: “Yes, I know, and last night He was particularly good! I let Him have the first cigarette, what with Him being the Deity and all” I realize how offensive this is, and may go to hell just because I typed it, but mediocre responses just don’t get you anywhere with these guys! You gotta go for shock value.

I would think it would take someone long enough to think up a retort to this that you’d have plenty of time to just turn and wald away!

BTW, one of the things that drew me to my faith (Baha’i) is that proseletyzing is actually against our holy law!

Something my father actually said:

When approached by attractive young female Mormons, he inquired innocently, “If I convert to Mormonism, does that mean I can marry you both?”
And now, an insane mini-rant:

When you believe in Jesus but you don’t celebrate Christmas you make Santa angry, when you make Santa angry he gets drunk and beats the elves.

Jehovas Witnesses contribute to the abuse of midget slave labor. I bet you won’t find that in their little Watchtower magazine . . .

A little rant:

On Christmas Day (!!) the Jehovas Witnesses came to my house. It was morning, we had just finished with the presents, not even dressed yet. WTF? I guess they don’t celebrate holidays, right? But what would ever give them the idea that it’s ok to come to my house on Christmas morning? I’m not religious at all, but Christmas is probably the most family oriented holiday, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. And, if I was searching for a religion, that little act of coming to my door on that day would have removed them from my list. I looked outside a little later, they were making their way up and down the whole street.

Sorry, this thread reminded me of that and I got mad all over again. I wish I had had something witty to say, I think I just stared at them in shock and mumbled some sort of sorry not interested and shut the door.

Jesus may love me, but he can adore me from afar just like all my other fans.

My favorite response to the question: “Do you know Jesus?” comes (slightly edited) from the movie * Dogma. * “Know him? The guy still owes me five bucks!”

Like smashing matter and antimatter in an annihilative reaction, I can see the day when a pair of Jehovas’ Witnesses meet up with Amway salespeople.

I’m digging my fallout shelter as we speak.

…flak jacket, 40,000 cans of food…