“You’re becoming an adult now. In general, adults fall in love with people they’ve been dating for a while. They don’t fall in love and then try to date the person they’re in love with. When you’re an adult, love is something that grows over time.”
I just read this quote on the internet and feel the loneliest I’ve felt in the longest time.
In high-school, the 15 years-old me (a new immigrant to America) met a man who changed my outlook on life. He gave me what America means, what freedom means, who I am. He was a 27 year old faculty member at my school. He guided me, adored me, and looked out for me when I knew no one. I grew infatuated with who he was and how he made me feel over the years. I was going to ask him out after I graduated because it was the highest high of my life and I spent hours fantasizing about making love under the blankets. And when he told me he got engaged my senior year, I broke. I was depressed for months after I graduated. Over two years later, I am almost over him; we keep in touch via email as friends. He is expecting a baby soon and I am happy he has found direction in his life (he used to tell me about his own regrets and lost dreams when we used to talk for hours after school). I am happy he is happy.
But I want to be in love again.
According to that quote, the older I get, the less likely it is that I will love with so much heart. I am a cute girl and it isn’t hard for me to attract boys who want to “hang out” after I meet them. But I don’t want to date; I want to “fall” for someone like I did then. I want infatuation to engulf me before we finally culminate our mutual adoration for each other. I don’t want to “grow into love” via dating someone I merely like. I think adults don’t love as purely (maturely, yes, but not unabashedly as hormonal teens do). Will I never be infatuated ever again? Am I pathetic for even thinking so hard about this?