Is your love life more depressing than mine?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(BTW, don’t worry about trying to fix my problem. I’ll figure it out somehow, or get help, or at least I can laugh to myself in a crazed way)

Short version:
26 and never been on a date or experienced mutual romantic affection (a kiss, etc) [I’m not that pure though - I went to a legal brothel once - but I didn’t blow my load - probably because I accidently wasn’t wearing my glasses and couldn’t see what was going on] I guess it would be easier if I turned bisexual (maybe I am already) but I don’t really want to do that.

Long version:
There have been many situations that could have lead to dates in my life and there were also many girls that I wasted my time on…
Perhaps the first girl I had any chance of dating was Petina. She was a grade above me, and she was very unpopular even though she was quite pretty in retrospect. Her friends were probably the two ugliest girls there were. I’m not sure if she was unpopular because of her friends, or if she had those friends because she was unpopular. The I didn’t like about her (and perhaps the reason for her unpopularity) was that she was overly nice - at least to me. It seemed like she could have had a crush on me. But due to her reputation I guess (for having germs or smelling), I had to keep very far away from her. I has in the second-to-last year of primary school (6th day), at a state school.
When I started high school, in the 8th grade, I went to a Catholic school, and there were only two boys from my old school that joined me. At the start of the year I got a bit of a crush on a quiet intellectual girl - who might have been in a different class so I rarely saw her. Anyway, after about a week of school I was riding home on a bus and a girl called Kaeli asked me if I wanted to go out with Brynja. I said that I didn’t even know what Brynja looked like. Kaeli asked me again. I said I’d think about it. Kaeli said she needs an answer now. I said I guess the answer is a no. Soon I developed a crush on Brynja, even though she wasn’t the prettiest girl who indirectly asked me out. There was maybe one or two other girls who got other girls to ask me out, but I only liked Brynja. On the bus one day Tammie was acting way too friendly but I didn’t really like her since my standards were really high. Then several months to a year later our class was on a jetty. I think the purpose of the trip was to swim in the water below. While I was on the jetty I noticed a guy who I knew from primary school chatting with the girls. (he was probably skipping school) He called me over and asked me which girl I like. I whispered “Brynja” and he’d say “Brynja?!” outloud, and then I tried to make sure the girls who were right next to us wouldn’t hear somehow. Then soon after that some girls talked me into walking into the girl’s toilets and they pushed me in there. I guess Brynja was in there. (My memory is very fuzzy)
Around that time I had to start wearing glasses permanently. Then I moved to a different state (Queensland) to a Lutheran high school in a tourist town. I went back a grade even though I had easily been the smartest kid in the maths/science subjects at my previous schools - because this school was a lot more convenient to get to but it was just a new school that only went up to grade 8 at the moment.
At about grade 10 at that school there was an ok looking girl who was too fat (who years later lost all that weight), and her friend asked me if I wanted to sleep with that girl. Remembering the movie “Big”, I replied “do you mean like a sleep over?” and the girl replied “no, I mean sex”. I replied “nah”. She later found someone though. I had a very conservative upbringing and was even a young-earth creationist so that, in addition to her fatness, put me off.
At about grade 11 there was a new girl about 2 grades lower than me who looked like a model. I hadn’t talked to her yet, but I had decided to ask her out on a date. So one day I was just walking through the school by myself and she passed by, also by herself. It seemed like a good opportunity to talk to her, but she was passing by quickly so I had to get straight to the point. So I asked “will you go out with me?” and she screwed up her face and replied “no!!”.
Near the end of grade 11 there was another new girl, who was a year below me. We spent quite a bit of time together at school (my friend was often around) and maybe that could have gone somewhere - I mean there could have maybe been a first date, though I guess the chances of there being real “sparks” between us - or me and any other girl would be low.
During my time at the Queensland high school I wrote letters to Brynja, which she never replied to. I also called her on the phone sometimes, in which she politely replied. Before I left my old town I sent her a mix tape… with a lot of romantic music and Christian music (the most up to date thing being “Islands in the Stream” - it mostly came from my Dad’s music collection). Around the time of her birthday one day, I asked her if she liked me. She replied that she liked me as a friend. So I knew it was over so I stopped calling her.
At university I only had some tiny crushes… (and also wrote letters and talked on the phone to a high school girl about 6 years younger than me for a year) until the fourth year when I was in an 8 bedroom flat with a girl called Tobey who had a room opposite mine. She was a first year, going to study art and psychology, which were casual interests of mine. (As far as art goes, I don’t know the technical terms but I’m interested in parts of it - such as wicked album covers)
Well I’ve to go to sleep now. But basically I’m quite convinced she initially was interested in me, for a couple of reasons. I told my flatmate that I think Tobey was the perfect girl and not to go after her. He ended up being best friends with her. At the end of my fourth year I was hospitalized with bipolar disorder, got kicked out of my flat, but graduated university. I’ve been living with my parents in a tourist town since the end of 2000 and my friends and sisters live in the big city, Brisbane. I tried a little internet dating, but soon I start getting neurotic and talk about my personal problems. My neuroticism even stopped a (fat) girl who I later learned had a crush on me in high school from emailing me back after a while.

Well enough about me, has anyone got stories (they can be short) that are more depressing than that?

2

Yes, my love life is even more depressing than yours.

3

So have you also never had a date and never experienced any mutual sexual/romantic affection (like kissing, holding hands, romantic dancing or mutual statements like “I love you”)? (aka romantic intimacy) I mean that’s why what my history boils down to…
I guess what matters in the end is that you’re depressed about your situation than I am about mine, and that’s comforting. :slight_smile:

4

It’s only depressing if you see it that way. I am 25 and have never had a long term relationship, mostly because I am a bit weird and have just never really fit in. I constantly say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I am ok looking, but I am curvy and I have a big nose which may lead some people to call me fat and ugly by their standards. I stammer and am shy in large groups of people which can make meeting people awkward.

The thing is, as lonely as I get at times I don’t want to fit in, at least for the sake of fulfilling other people’s expectations. I just keep on trying to meet guys and wait for the ones who are cool with who I am.

5

I’ve gotten as far as holding hands. But in my 20 years that’s about all I’ve done.

6

Well, JohnClay, it almost sounds like you are happier when you are single. Every time you have an opportunity to be in a relationship or have some kind of intimacy, you back off.

I don’t know exactly what you consider ‘fat’, but if I were you, I would re-evaluate your criteria. I say this because if you are so put off by that one quality, you are really missing out on meeting a potentially genuine person.

Heck, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 24, and even then it was highly a matter of luck that the right circumstances came together in my favor. All you can really do is be positive and determined-- work hard to improve yourself in a positive way and don’t give up so easily.

7

No.

8

The only time I’ve not been single has been in my mind, and in my mind (at least in the past), not being single is great.

The thing is that is that the only real opportunities I’ve had to go on a date are ones initiated by others and in grade 8 I took dating quite seriously and didn’t want to go out on a date unless I knew what they looked like or if I wasn’t really attracted to them. (I was attracted to other girls besides Brynja, though the other girls were in higher grades… the ones in my grade looked funny in some way or another)

Well the girl I could have had sex with was about the fattest girl in my grade - now that I think about it I don’t think she had a double chin or anything though. But still, I wasn’t physically attracted to her, so if I rationalized to myself that I’d give her a go, I’d probably be forcing myself if I was to give her any affection. Well I guess after a while she’d appear more attractive since she’s actually attracted to me, but the thing is that since I was very conservative I had to refuse sex, which is all she wanted.
As far as Tobey from university goes, I think I had to make my move very early on otherwise she’d lose interest. She had a history of experienced guys (this changed one time, after a moved out, according to a friend) and those guys knew what to do. At about the time I was drawing a picture for her she was brushing against me and I later (years later) took that as a sign she was interested in me. I didn’t know what to do so I backed off - I barely knew her anyway. (she ended up photocopying the picture [without telling me] after I gave it to her) She didn’t seem to be physical with any of the guys in the flat she was good friends with.
Though I am scared of intimacy - mostly because it involves being very spontaneous and there are no clear rules. I don’t like failure or social rejection. This also causes me to avoid another kind of intimacy - having goofy fun with others. I mean that seems to be what normal people do at parties and things. I sometimes use dry humour though.
Lately I don’t even bother trying - at least that way I don’t feel bad if I fail.

Don’t worry about me though… I’ll probably rationalize my problems or contradict myself, and I’ve probably already arrived at the same conclusions you have but then forgot about it or changed my mind… BTW at the moment my opportunities are far, far less than they were at the start of high school. In the last several years I often used to wish I could travel back in time, like in the movies, and do that all differently. Or at least guide the young version of myself along, while I was a ghost or something, or do “Groundhog Day”… :slight_smile: Yeah I know, I should make the most of the reality I have now.

9

When I read your story, I had this thought: Don’t expect instant fireworks with a girl. It seems like you don’t even consider asking a girl out unless it’s almost “love at first sight”. However, that just makes it harder in the long run since having such a strong attraction puts a lot of pressure on you at first and makes it harder to take if she were to reject you.
Personally, I would recommend asking out a few girls that seem nice but that you do not find particularly attractive just to get a chance to practice your dating skills. If you’re not all that interested to begin with, the rejection isn’t quite so difficult to take. And, who knows, you might find that your feelings for them would deepen as you got to know them better.
Online dating is an easy way to find some nice people to go out with - even if you don’t find the love of your life online, at least you can get a chance to practice making a good first impression.

Just some thoughts I had; take them or leave them. :slight_smile:

10

Yes, mine is more depressing, I am 33.
I just don’t let it bother me anymore.
If it happens, it happens.
If not, well… whatever.

11

Same here. But that’s probably not what you want to hear…

12

Pah! a mere lad. I’m 38! I’ll freely admit, my thing is not so much with women as with other men, ie: the male role models we have to conform to when meeting women. I don’t give a rat’s patootie about money (I have all I need), power (which is just a trip to me), or competitiveness (see power), and I don’t care to act bluff, callow, or “alpha.” I am who I am: intelligent, opinionated, funny, rarified, and basically solitary. My ideal relationship would be the proverbial “drawer in her dresser.”

My last thing was 7 years ago with a beautiful hot-pants psycho who was so clingy and emotionally volatile I didn’t dare act on our physical chemistry. It was perfect hell - just tantalizing enough to keep you coming back for more misery. Since then, I’ve mostly read the common wisdom in magazines and on the web, which has reinforced my hangup about men and my desire not to date until I can climb out from under it.

Yeah, I’m kind of at that point myself. I’m trying to learn to like pre-teen kids, because childfree single chyx in my age bracket are a scarce resource (and there we are back to competition again).

13

I’ll spare you the details, but yes.

14

Well, that and you don’t seem to have too many other options at this point.
Look, I feel I need to impart a bit of my wisdom because one, some of these posts are just too sad (except for B of D, who is just scary), and two, I used to be shy around women (when I was like 15, but whatever).

  1. Fix up your shit - Go to a gym, lay off the Oreos, buy a nice shirt or pants without an X-Files or Star Wars logo, get a decent haircut. In other words, if you avoid the things that make you LOOK like someone girls don’t want to talk to, you can spend more time working on 2).

  2. Be yourself…or act like someone cooler than you - You don’t have to create a stage persona. Just accentuate your best qualities. If you are witty, make an occasional joke. If you aren’t funny, DON"T MAKE STUPID JOKES! If you are kind of brash and arrogant, balance it out with a little self-deprecating humor. If you are shy, make an extra effort to look people in the eye and just say “hey…what’s up”. It’s not being a phoney person. Basically, you are just showing people the best parts of you.

  3. Get professional help - Sound like a lot of you have some personal shit that needs to be worked out. Get on that ASAP.

  4. Find some interests that are interesting - You know what, I like Star Wars and LOTR too. I don’t use it to meet women. Find some stuff that you can use in normal conversations.

  5. GO OUT WITH GIRLS WHO LIKE YOU - I can’t stress this enough. When you are a super stud, then you can cherry pick. If you are a 26 year old virgin and the quirky girl in the coffee shop gives you her number, CALL HER.

  6. Make a plan - Figure out some nice places you would take a girl (or ask a normal person where they would take a girl) . Keep it simple - coffee, drinks after work. Don’t try to hit one out of the park on the first pitch. You aren’t in a John Hughes film.

  7. Go places where single girls hang out - trendy bars, a bookstore, coffee shop.

  8. ASK WOMEN OUT - Basically, it’s obvious they aren’t asking you. You need to go to them.
    and that’s basically it. It’s not rocket science and it’s actually supposed to be fun.

15

Didn’t mean to freak you there, m…but thanks for visiting my private hell, do come again! :cool:

16

I don’t know about more depressing. I have had a relationship or 3 over the internet, and I ‘guess’ i’ve been on a date or two (i’m not sure really what they were. One woman may have just felt sorry for me and the other was married and I didn’t know she had a crush on me). And i’ve had women like me but I didn’t pursue for a variety of reasons. I can talk to women and approach them, but for me the emontionally draining activity of asking women out and the alienation that results in about half of the cases isn’t worth a handful of dates I could get so I stay in my nice little risk free rut. Luckily if you can filter out the ‘stop whining’ crowd you can get some good advice and some quality empathy here on SD for situations like this.

I am adopting vinryk’s viewpoint on this subject though. Yeah this sucks, but there are tons of aspects to life and some will suck, people who have it good in this area may have shitty jobs or a health problem or problems with their parents, etc… Not only that but about 80% of marriages are unhappy (according to another thread), I assume the numbers are similiar for single and dating people too so welcome to the 80% of discontent people.

17

I have a girlfriend(I think). :slight_smile:
She lives in England. :frowning:
She’s Hungarian and the gov’t won’t let her visit this country. :mad:
It won’t happen overnight. Learn from your failures. If you do something and it turns someone off, don’t do it the the next time. Get female friends, at the gym, at work-they usually know more females than guy friends do.

Of course none of these have ever worked for me. Don’t give up.

18

The pre-teen comment is a little disturbing. You don’t want to be one of those wierdos picking up underage girls on the internet, only to go over to their house and find Stone Philips there with his camera crew.

19

:smiley: True. I meant getting used to being around preteens, because most women my age are going to have them. I did not mean substituting them for females of legal age.