This made me sad. I, too, have been through multiple suicide ideation periods in my life because I may have a propensity for depression. I’m terrified I will never get into the grad school I want to, I’m scared I will never have the career I pine for, I’m scared I’ll marry the wrong person or for the wrong reasons, I don’t want to have children and I’m scared I’ll end up having them and hating it (like my mom did); it all comes back to: I’ll run away from life if this happens.
I’m sorry to hear of your pain. I’m terrified I may be you.
One final word of advice. College is the one and only place in the entire world where mental health services are free or virtually free for the asking. Your issues/problems/concerns/whatevers are not unusual, they’re actually incredibly common and the kind of thing that counsellors at a college see day in, day out. Seek counselling doesn’t mean you are broken or crazy, just that an objective ear would be helpful in sorting out your thoughts.
Another factor is that in general, I think that relationships go better when they start off with “this person is another person who is kind of interesting” and grow into “this person is more and more interesting” and finally “I’ve fallen in love with this person. They’re another human with their quirks and such, and I know all about that and I’m in love with them all together.” than when it’s approached with “Oh ho! Someone from the category of people I might fall in love with! The appropriate response is to romance them!” And then they’re left wondering why they’re dating/marrying someone they have nothing in common with.