You’re always wearing the same suit and same blue ballcap, and you come into my work all the time, every day, with your wife, who is a short plump little babushka doll in her purple coat.
You and your wife pass out pamphlets for the Baha’i meetings at the community centre. You offer to read the cashiers’ palms to tell their fortune and sing love songs to them. You and your wife always buy us cookies, or chocolates, or granola bars to share downstairs in the lunchroom. You are, in short, kooky, but mostly harmless and sweet.
But lately you’ve been coming up to my cash all the time. You told me the last time you came in that you were ‘spiritually attracted’ to me, at which point I started contemplating the useful spritzing properties of the glass cleaner underneath my desk. It got so that I’d start hiding from you every time you came near the cash. Today when I was caught with a bunch of people in a rush, you came and stared at me for half an hour, and then started asking me what days I was scheduled to come into work.
I really really don’t like having to duck into the back storage room every time he comes into the store. And he always comes in.
One blessed advantage of reaching middle age is that older men no longer do this sort of thing to me. I used to hate when they would grasp my elbow or forearm, all in the guise of making their point, but it was really to keep me next to them. (I am not referring to strangers, but those distantly related folks one sees at weddings or friends of my parents etc). And then there is the old shoulder squeeze-- “Uncle” Jeffrey out of the Bridget Jones movies nails this type of person.
Ugh. How about a firm, “don’t speak to me that way” to him? Avoiding him does not solve the problem. I would also tell your supervisor.
Spray bottle. Definitely. “Bad dirty old man! BAD!” Use with rolled-up newspaper for maximum effect.
What kind of store are you working in? And, more importantly, does the guy come in to actually buy things, or just to hand out pamphlets and flirt with the shopgirls? Because if he has no business in the store, can’t a manager tell him to please leave? New store policy - we can’t let people hand out advertising. Something like that?
Heck, even if he does buy stuff there, the store has a right to kick his butt out if he’s making you uncomfortable by being sleazy.
They do buy stuff–lots of it–so loitering / advertising rules can’t be laid down (rats :(). Mrs. Babushka either doesn’t seem to notice her husband’s behaviour or care.
I told the manager today in no uncertain terms that I’m not serving him again, and she agreed that he’s a creepy old man and that I should talk to security if he keeps making me feel uncomfortable. So, victory–for now.
You’re just not meeting the right older men, I can introduce you to them if you like. (Besides, Dirty Old Men need love, too, ya know. We get awful lonely some times.)
Kythereia, how old is this DOM? Does he appear to be pushing 70 or so? Because if he is, you should start asking seemingly innocent questions about things like heart conditions, who is or is not in his will. Play up the whole, “Well, you’re an old guy and are probably going to kick off pretty soon, aren’t you?” angle. Make him think you’re a golddigger, who might be willing to consider doing something to accelerate the death process if you’re in the will. That’ll probably get him to leave you alone.
Baha’is are forbidden by their faith to break any civil or criminal laws. They are supposed to cooperate with their community peacefully. Have you asked them to not come in again?
If they are asked not to returned and they continue to bother you, contact the local Baha’i organization and they should take care of it.
I have never met kinder people than the Baha’is. No exceptions.
My widowed mother’s 66yo as of two weeks ago; she’s way overweight, good skin. We’ve started sitting at the end of the row in movie theaters because in the previous two years, every single time I’d taken her, some “gent” her age or older would sit beside her and try to get cozy.
Quoting a friend of hers who’s got a similar problem: “any guy that age who’s trying to act like a teenager in the last row is by definition a dirty old man!”
From the other end, it’s sort of sad. I play golf with a guy 84 years old and a pleasant golfing companion. He’s convinced that he’s God’s gift to women and that even puts me off. We stop in the club house lunch room after golf but if it’s just he and I alone, I don’t stop by. I want someone there to talk with to cover my unease when he goes into his act.
Meh. A friend of mine went to a Baha’ meeting as part of a class assignment. She was very up-front with them about her assignment, and I’m sure she was polite and friendly–but she said that one guy there completely creeped her out. He really, really wanted her to leave her Jewish faith and join the Baha’i, and practiced the sort of sales pitch that would make you turn around and leave a used car lot in disgust.
I’ve only knowingly met a few Baha’i, and I didn’t find them any kinder (or, for that matter, meaner) than other folks.
I’m amazed your management lets them distribute pamphlets inside the store on a regular basis. He’s probably creeping out the customers too. I wonder how many just go to another store instead of dealing with that.
I disagree strongly with this advice. Seriously. I too work as a cashier, and if a creepy customer (of any age) started coming in and staring at me, and then asking me what my work schedule was, the absolute LAST thing I’d wanna do is engage this person in conversation of any sort, let alone bring up personal questions about HIM and his life. What he’s doing is a kind of trolling, and by responding to him with anything other than a distant polite smile, you are feeding him, and he will never go away.
And it’s worthwhile to point out that finding out when you work is the first step in stalking (that “staring” thing is also a tipoff), and you may find yourself kidnapped in the trunk of his car some night when you get off work, heading to who-knows-what grim rendezvous, with his cute little babushka-doll wife in denial of her husband’s “activities”. Female cashiers do get abducted at gunpoint, and by guys who the neighbors all swear afterwards was “just the nicest, quietest person”.
And don’t go, “Oh, Mom” at me and roll your eyes, because it does happen.
So do NOT talk to this guy at all. Just smile politely and ignore his conversation. If he presses you to tell him when you work, say, in polite puzzlement, “Why would you want to know that?” and if he continues to press you, say firmly, “I can’t imagine why you’d want to know that, and I’d prefer that you talk to my manager about it.” It’s okay to seem rude when the other person has crossed the boundaries himself; there’s no Miss Manners Rule that says you HAVE to answer his questions about youself–and your personal life, because the next question is guaranteed to be, “Do you have a boyfriend?” And if he starts asking that, then, sweetie, it’s time to start packing some pepper spray in your purse, and checking out the parking lot and the back seat of your car when you leave work.
And if he continues to stand there and stare at you, definitely have your manager AND security go over to him and put the fear of God into him. A good starting point for them would be to ask him his name and address, and make him show them some ID. They can say, “You’ve been harassing one of our employees, and we wanna know who you are.” That puts HIM on the defensive, and there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be. If he truly is just a harmless old kook, then it won’t hurt him to understand that he has crossed a line, and that staring at female employees and asking them when they work is not allowed in today’s cultural climate. If your manager is afraid of offending a customer, then you need to find a different job, with people who are more sensitive to the needs of their female employees, who ARE vulnerable to being abducted at gunpoint.
Do not ignore your instincts. Don’t say, “He must be a sweet old man, it’s just me that has issues with something indefinable about him, he’s just a little eccentric, I need to get over it.” That guy who abducted and buried alive the little girl in Florida was a kooky, seemingly harmless old man in his 60s who lived down the street from her. Trust your instincts–if they’re screaming, “Creep”, then don’t talk to the creep.
And, frankly I’m amazed that your workplace, whatever it is, doesn’t have a “No Soliciting” rule. Even a paying customer doesn’t have the right to buttonhole other customers. Why hasn’t your manager told these people to knock it off? Even sweet little old ladies can grasp, “Don’t pamphleteer here in the store.”
Your instincts are superb, hon. “Thought about reaching for the Windex”, indeed. Now, maybe he’s just indulging in a harmless little personal fantasy of some kind–but maybe not. Trust your instincts.
I would definitely clue your manager in, in words of one syllable, as to the depths of your concern about his guy. So far it’s been a casual, “Gee, this customer creeps me out.” But IMO you need to boost the alert to at least Orange. “Hey, I’m worried this guy might be a potential stalker: he says he’s spiritually attracted to me, he stands there staring at me, and now he wants to know my work schedule.” That way, if you do disappear one night, people at least know where to start looking.
And asking the guy for ID will clue him in that if you do disappear one night, they will be starting with him.
If you’re worried about expressing your concern to your manager without sounding like a paranoid, hysterical ninny, print this thread out and give it to him to read. But if he’s any kind of halfway intelligent person, the minute you use the words “potential stalker”, he will prick up his ears and suddenly be all attention.
“Please stop staring at me, you are making me uncomfortable.”
“Asking the hours and days when I am scheduled to work is very intrusive and makes me uncomfortable. I am asking you to leave me alone.”
“Leave me alone. This is your last warning.”
Don’t hide from him, and don’t fall for the sweet old man bullshit. When he’s pushing attention when it isn’t wanted, it’s bullying and stalkerish, period. It’s up to you to make it perfectly clear that it is unwelcome. And if he continues after that, there needs to be consequences. It’s not a compliment, it’s not sweet, it needs to be addressed.
I second the advice of mentioning it to your manager, but it will fall to you to set the boundary when the man next shows up in your store.
I’m not trying to start a pile-on here, but this isn’t even funny. This isn’t something to joke about. Duck Duck Goose said it well, but hell no, don’t humor the guy.
