If Inigo Montoya belonged to other cultural stereotypes

Cafe Society
81

The chirping of the cicadas encircled him. A bead of sweat hanging on his brow like blood from the punctured forehead of Christ.

“My name” he said bisexually" is… Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, or at least, you would not allow him to remain a mortal, but made him an undead and unliving revenant, at once fully involved in the world and yet separated from it." The sweat hung in the cleavage of his perfect chest.
“Before he met you my father was just a good looking Eurotrash guy who wandered into the wrong neighborhood, now he has styled himself an aristocrat and he will not stop whining endlessly about gradations of evil and goodness as if he were the first person ever to realize that some moral issues are complex. Hundreds of pages at a time. Prepare to die.”

“But” said the Count homoerotically, “I am neither living, nor dead. I am incapable of being killed as I am of loving or procreating.”

“Well that complicates matters” said Inigo with the huge shadow of the oak tree casting upon his throbbing manhood. “Would you like to come back to my place then?”

“Perhaps,” said the Count. “I am limited in what may transpire, but the sixth finger has some uses I will share in a very lengthy sequence.”

82

Centauri :

I am Inigo Montoya, and you are the man who killed my father. You had best prepare to die for that. First, to pay for the insult to my family. Second, to advance my position at Court. And third, because I poisoned your drink.

83

Willis: My name’s Willis Jackson. You aced Mr. Drummond. Prepare to die.

Arnold: Watchoo talkin’ 'bout, Willis?

84

NANCY GRACE

“Tonight I talk to the man who killed my father…”

Man: But I didn’t kill your father.

“You know good and well you did!”

Man: Your father was killed 30 years ago. I’m only 31.

“EXCUSE ME! I HAVE A LAW DEGREE! I think I can count! A one year old can pull a trigger and you’ve got six fingers just like the guy who killed my father!”

Man: I have 10 fingers. This is a wart.

“A WART! IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY TRULY WANT PEOPLE TO THINK?! THAT IT’S A WART JUST BECAUSE IT DOESN’T HAVE A FINGERNAIL AND IS A FLESHY BUMP ON THE BACK OF YOUR HAND! I THINK YOU’RE INSULTING THE INTELLIGENCE OF MORE THAN 2 BILLION VIEWERS BY SAYIN’ THAT!”

Man: It’s a wart. Here’s a picture of me from 2 years ago. See… I didn’t even have a wart then…

"Well you know who else didn’t have warts in his picture? HITLER! Now prepare to die for sweeps week. But first some wonderful pictures of my twins in their little Minnie Pearl Underoos…

85

Did anybody do GWB yet?

86

Yoda Montoya I am. Killed my father you did. If expecting to live you are, disappointed you will be. hhmmMMM?

87

Not to nitpick but shouldn’t that be 10010010010 instead of 110100111010?

88

Wal, Caount Rugen, I reckon I’d never a-fancy meeting yew here. I reckon yew faound yerself a-takin’ the wrong turn outa Kingsport. Most travelers avoid these parts o’ Florin after the troubles, and roads ain’t so clear as they oncet was.

Yew say yew don’ know me? Wal, I s’pose I’m growed more’n I was since last we met. Fellers in my fambly…wal, our faces change a bit as we mature. Git tew lookin’ a-more like the older folk in the bloodline, yew might say.

My name? Ingo Munt, they calls me. Naow, that’s the modern way it’s pronounced. And it ain’t even the orig’nal fambly name. It’s sorta ‘dopted. Y’see, my great great great grandpappy Abednego, he was a trader a-sailin’ outta Florin tew all sorts o’ foreign parts. An’ after one par’ticlar long voyage, a-back he comes with a beautiful foreign bride. Full o’ sass, they say she was, with long black hair an’ flashin’ eyes an’ speakin’ some foreign tongue. An ol’ Abednego never did say ‘zactly why, but he took on her fambly name and passed it down. He also passed some some o’ their…traditions.

Oh, the 'riginal name? Wal, let me see if I kin get it out right–“Mon-toy-ya”. Hard fer us local folk. “Munt” is a-what we say nowadays.

Ah, yew do know that name? Wal, I reckon my pappy used that foreign pronunciation when he left town for a few years. He was a mite rebel 'fore he come back to the fold.

Yew killed him, yew say? Wal, maybe so and maybe not. The folk in my fambly kin be hard tew kill. Yew hurt ‘im, sure. An’, wal, yew might say he’s no longer a-livin on the earth.

If yer a-curious, though–naow, naow, don’ get all het up like that. It won’t do yew no good, nohow.

Turn 'round and meet the fambly.

89

… in which Wargamer proves that not only is he not Australian, but he’s never been to Australia, has never met an Australian, doesn’t know where Australia is, has never heard an Australian speak, but has read about them in a 1965 Reader’s Digest. In 1965.

Ahem.

G’daymatehowyagoin. Lookya’vecarckedmyoldmananyavjustgottagomate, yavgottago. Sorrymateseeyabye.

90

Though one of us is but a small hamster, we are great heroes of goodness, and you are the killer of little childrens’ fathers! Now we will put a Minsc sized boot in evil’s great buttocks! Prepare to feel the wrath of Minsc and Boo! Go for the eyes Boo! Go for the eyes! RAAAHRGH!!!

91

Hullo. My name is Forest. Forest Montoya.

Like my mammie always said, “Forest, you go kill the man who kilt your daddy.”

92

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You and I have unfinished business.”

93

“I am Inigo Montoya and you killed my father. ***BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD ! ! ! ***”

94

Pinky: So… What are we going to do tonight, Brain?

Brain Montoya: Same thing we do every night. Avenge my father and rule the world!

95

You know, there’s a certain Doper missing from this thread…

I guess I’ll have to do it for him:

“Hello, my username is Inigo Montoya. You locked my thread. Prepare to… hey, don’t you think the word ‘lobster’ sounds kinda funny?”

96

Love that one :slight_smile: Of course, it also works the other way round :

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father you filthy xeno-lover, BE CLEANSED IN RIGHTEOUS FLAMES, HERETIC ! FOR THE EMPRAH !

97

Andrew Lloyd Webber’s The Princess Bride:

My name is Inigo…Inigo Montoya
I knew from the sixth finger the minute I saw ya
That you were the bastard who killed my father
A man so old and ill I don’t know why you bothered
But you did and now you must pay
But you did and even though I’m not gay
I’m going to kill you for the revenge in my head
Because you left my father dead
will not let me rest from righting this wrong
So I’m going to kill you… with a song

98

:hijack: Reminds me of my favorite knock-knock joke:

Why did the Khorne Berserker cross the road?
Blood for the Blood God!

99

My name is Buffy Summers Montoya. You killed my father, but he’d already abandoned my mom, my sister and I after the divorce when he went to Europe with his secretary, and technically you’re not a vampire or a demon so I can’t kill you myself, so I’m just going to let the cops handle you.

100

Hee-Haw:

Why oh why’d you kill my pa?
Why did you leave his kids here to cry?
I searched the world over
looking for a six point claw
You killed my daddy
now [Bronx cheer] prepare to die!

And now, Miss Lo-retta Lynn…