Inigo Montoya used to be a good fit–nuts, tormented, driven beyond hope & reason, maniacal. As Inigo Montoya, I’ve tried fairly recently to explain my extreme ambivalence for Mania, which pretty much defined me for 30+ years. As part of an effort that began over 9 years ago to get my shit together, I had to give it up and with the aid of a lot of introspection, self-discipline, support at home and from here, (prescribed) drugs, and doctors I seem to have found a lifestyle that has enabled me to do just that.
I’ve played with the idea of a name change for quite a while, trying to decide if I was just running from 9 years of erratic posting & baggage, in which case the best solution would be to just not post here anymore, or if there was some other reason. Well, there is another reason, oddly enough explained through a positive slant on the Blue Öyster Cult song, “The Great Sun Jester.” The song describes my situation perfectly: The heat, the laughter, the tremendous delusional passion, and the grandiosity of being perfect in every way although understood by nobody—all of that, I am giving up. Willingly? Well, yes, but only in the sense an addict willingly gives up his junk after a successful intervention. It is given up with deep, persistent longing. Killing my inner clown is best for everyone, which in turn is best for me.
So, as a means of separating myself from Inigo Montoya’s posting style & past, while still recognizing the monsters that I’ve been I give you the cold & sane, The Great Sun Jester. No smarter, no more insightful, and much less inclined to discuss mental disorders with those who don’t have 'em (the judgment never seems to be worth the effort). I’m the same guy I was 9 (even 5) years ago, but not the same person, and I won’t be going back.
Someone started a thread a while ago asking what it’s like to be manic, and you posted one of the most nuanced, thoughtful, detailed responses I have ever read. It was a fascinating insight for me into the way someone else’s mind works. I’m sure you’ve gotten plenty of shit over the years (there IS a stigma around mental illness, after all) but I want you to know that I think your strength and perseverence and sheer willpower are pretty damn awesome.