Epigramcracker that was great!
Also from page 6, Fealuinix, I loved loved the Hitchhikers guide version!
I hope no one’s done Steinbeck…
The Ring of Wrath
The earth was cracked and dry. The sort of dry that only appears in tilled earth at the end of a harsh summer. A turtle slowly began its climb out of the ditch to reach the packed-earth road. The turtle hesitated at the brink of the road. Uncertain as to whether the time was ripe to cross. Hearing a thundering in the distance it decided that this was it’s last chance. It slowly began it’s long trek across the dusty cracked earth, the hot sun beating upon its hard shell. The thunder got closer. Halfway across the road the turtle retreated into its shell. Horses clattered overhead. The hooves of the Ring Wraiths mounts unsettled the dust. The red dust. The dry choking dust. And then they were gone. Leaving only the dust. The turtle waited to ensure safety before slowly emerging from the shell. Eventually it began to move once more, continuing its toilsome journey through the dust and over the cracked earth. The light patter of hobbit steps forced it into its shell once more. The heavier set of the two leaned down and picked up the turtle. It would make a good gift for Rosie.
IRON CHEF – LEMBAS BATTLE
“If memory serves me correct, today’s challenger, the wraith who appeased Sauron’s palate first trained in the trades of Angmar. He later gained more experience in the fiery kitchens of Orthanc. At the age of several thousand, he opened his own restaurant at Minas Morgul. He specializes in the melding of exotic cuisine with spells and is considered one of Orthanc’s finest Mordor-ese chefs.”
Commentator Glorfindel, “Who imagined there was of Chef of Mordor cuisine … this man’s food … someone to closely watch … let’s bring him on … the Witchking of Angmar.”
Commentator Glorfindel, “I hear you handle yourself quite well in the kitchen.” Wraith replies, “[bloodcurdling screech]”
Okay, let’s bring on Chairman Elrond.
Elrond, “Welcome to my kitchen stadium. And now … the pride of my gourmet academy … 3 iron chefs … I summon Iron Chefs!”
Iron Chef Hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire
Iron Chef Elvish, Haldir, of Lorien
Iron Chef Dwarvish, Gimli
Witchking chooses, “Shire … Baggins.”
Commentator Glorfindel, “Born in Hobbiton, Iron Chef Bilbo Baggins trained in the epicurean kitchens of Bag End before moving to Rivendell at the age of eleventy-one. He is known for his long-awaited parties of Hobbit cuisine. It is said no one leaves hungry.”
Now chairman Elrond unveils the main ingredient … Lembas!
“Allez cuisine!”
Commentator Glorfindel, “Of this luxurious ingredient, it is said one bite can fill a grown man’s stomach.”
“It appears Bilbo is first up to the stand, and he appears to be sampling the theme ingredient already. This lembas is a special treat … what dishes first come to mind?”
Taster Arwen, “Lembas goes well with everything, it has such a sweet flavor … I would like to see it in a soup or something.”
“Fukui-san … the Hobbit says he will take this into consideration and plans to mix it with a nice healthy elven wine.”
Arwen, “[giggles]”
“And what about you, Aragorn?”
“Something good for the road.”
Commentator Glorfindel, “It will be interesting to watch the Witchking, because lembas is not traditionally used in Mordor-ese cooking.”
“One minute to go”
“Time is done, the lembas battle is over!”
Challenger Witchking is offering 2 dishes:
- Filet of Fell Beast topped with a Lembas-crumb crust
- Scorched Malice Cake Flambe – in the shape of Orthanc, with a ring of fire around it
Iron Chef Hobbit is offering 5 dishes:
- Ranger Ploughman’s lunch w/ Dichon Radish
- Elven-Wine-Onion soup served in a lembas breadbowl, perfectly complimenting each other
- Lembas Pitas, filled with Pork and Benito Shavings, accentuated by Hobbit-pipe infused smoke
- Lembas Stuffing, with mushrooms, truffle oil, and nice crispy bacon
- Lembas Bread Pudding, a simple way to end the meal
Panel of tasters:
Wizard: Gandalf
She-elf: Arwen
Gardener: Sam Gamgee
Ranger: Aragorn
Who’s cuisine will reign supreme?
From the Muppets to the 15th century…
Le Morte D’Aragorn
by Sir Thomas Malory
It befell in the days of Denethor, when he was steward of all Gondor, that there was a mighty Power in Mordor that held war against him long time. And the Power was called the Dark Lord Sauron. And so by means Denethor sent for his Palantir, and he strove with the Dark Lord.
In the meanwhile came in a good old man, and an ancient, clothed all in white, and there was no one knew whence he came. And with him he brought a young Ranger, both on foot, without sword or shield, save a scabbard hanging by his side.
Then the old man said unto Denethor, ‘Sir, I bring here a young Ranger, the which is of kings’ lineage, and of the kindred of Elendil of Numenor, whereby the marvels of this city, and of strange realms, shall be fully accomplished.’
“Dammit Aragorn, I’m a dwarf, not a marathon runner.”
“That much is obvious, Gimli, or the Captain and I would not have been waiting here for you to arrive.”
“Why, you blond-haired, pointy-eared Elf --”
“That’s enough, both of you. Somewhere – out there – is a band of Uruk-hai that’s holding two of our friends, and I intend to find them. Gimli, you’ll just have to run faster. Let’s move.”
“If dwarves were meant for running, we’d have been born with longer legs.”
“For once, Gimli, your logic is impeccable.”
LORD OF THE RINGO
- INTERIOR A PUB IN THE SHIRE
The canteen is about half full of hobbits busy eating and smoking pipes. At a table sits GANDALF and FRODO. FRODO is deeply engrossed in a book titled “There and Back Again” and GANDALF has a near empty cup of tea in front of him. The old man is bored and looks about him slyly. He then looks at Frodo who is innocently occupied, a malicious gleam comes into GANDALF’s eye. He decides to have a go at FRODO and sits staring at him. FRODO gradually becomes aware of the stare and shifts uncomfortably then tries to continue reading his book.
GANDALF
(disgustedly to no one in Particular)
Will you ever look at him, sitting there with
his hobbit hooter scraping away at that book!
FRODO
Well ... what's the matter with that?
GANDALF
(taking the book from him)
Have you no natural resources of your own? Have
they even robbed you of that?
FRODO
(snatching back his book)
You can learn from books.
GANDALF
Can you now? Aah ... orcs heads! You learn
more by getting out there and living.
FRODO
Out where?
GANDALF
Out there! Middle Earth... but not our little Baggins
... oh no! When you're not running around with the
Tooks and the Brandybucks, you're tormenting your eyes with that rubbish!
FRODO
(defiantly)
Books are good!
GANDALF
(countering)
Adventuring’s better!
FRODO
Adventuring?
GANDALF
(marching up and down in place)
That’s it, adventuring around the countryside… trailing your coat … bowling along … living!
FRODO
Well, I am living, aren't I?
GANDALF
You're living, are you? When was the last time
you gave a shield maiden a pink-edged daisy?
When did you last embarrass elf lass with your cool
appraising stare?
FRODO
Eh ... you're a bit old for that sort of chat,
aren't you?
GANDALF
At least I've a backlog of memories, but all
you've got is that book!
FRODO
Aaah ... stop picking on me... you're as bad as
the rest of them.
GANDALF
So you are a hobbit grown after all.
FRODO
What's that mean?
GANDALF
Do you think I haven't noticed ... do you think
I wasn't aware of the drift? Oh ... you poor
unfortunate scuff, they've driven you into
books by their cruel, unnatural treatment,
exploiting your good nature.
FRODO
(not too sure)
Oh ... I dunno.
GANDALF
(confidingly)
And that lot's never happier than when they're
jeering at you ... and where would they be
without the steady support of your stout little heart,
I'd like to know.
FRODO
Yeah ... that's right.
GANDALF
And what's it all come to in the end?
FRODO
(defensively)
Yeah ... what's in it for me?
GANDALF
A book!
FRODO
Yeah ... a bloomin' book!
He throws the book down.
GANDALF
When you could be out there betraying a rich
Gondorian widow or sipping elf wine in Lothlorien
before you're too old like me. A fine neat and
trim lad the class of you should be helping
himself to life's goodies before the sands run
out. Being an old wizard's a terrible
drag on a man and every second you waste is
bringing you nearer the Friday queue at the
Prancing Pony.
FRODO
Yeah ... funny really, 'cos I'd never thought
of it but being middle-aged and old takes up
most of your time, doesn't it?
GANDALF
(nodding)
You're only right.
FRODO
(nodding back)
I'm not wrong.
There is a pause, then FRODO rises and crosses to the door.
GANDALF
Where are you off to?
FRODO
I'm going adventuring before it's too late!
FRODO leaves and GANDALF laughs at what he has done, then realizes its full meaning and looks worried.
Oops – that above piece might only be understandable to A Hard Day’s Night fans and it definitely pales in comparison to most of the others. 
The musical version
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Isengard
He’s wise, he’s strong, yet sometimes wrong
And frankly a bit retard
He seeks the Ring, it’s quite his thing
And once he’ll have it, he will sing
Yes, sing, and sing, he’ll sing just like a lark
“This Ring on my finger will make me look smart!”
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard of Isengard!
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Isengard
With orcs he hunts the hobbit grunts
He hold in such low regard
He hunts them high, he hunts them low
To Orthanc high he’ll have them towed
Yes, towed and towed, until they break apart
“I’ll catch you, you know, ’cause I’m terribly smart!”
We’re off to see the wizard, the wizard of Isengard
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Orthanc dark
His palantir he holds quite dear
To wield it is quite an art
The Stone that can look both far and near
And in it the Ring, it does appear
So near, so near, it almost breaks his heart
“That Ring will be mine!” he does yell and does bark.
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard of Orthanc dark.
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard of Angrenost
Try as he might, it’s quite a plight
To lay his hand on what’’s lost
And men and elves , also the trees
They’ll fight the wizard till he flees
Yes, flee he will, yes flee since he was crossed
“That Grima, his blood I will turn into frost!”
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard of Angrenost.
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard called Curunir
No ring, no men, nor orcs or stone
Are left he once held so dear
Abandoned he was by his fellow wiz
Yes, Olorin gave him quite a dis
He curse him out, it rang loud in his ear
“You fool, no more wizard will you be, my dear!”
We’re off to see the wizard,
The wizard once called Curunir.
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard who went to the West
He lost his life in quite a strife
But we know its for the best
That Grima fellow stabbed him cold
And with a dagger, brave and bold
He stabbed him, stabbed him in the back, no jest
“Oh man, does this hurt, you indeed are a pest!”
We’re off to see the wizard
The wizard who went to the West.
L. Frank Baum, The wizard of Isengard
I cannot stop!
Somewhere over on Orthanc… way up high
There’s a wiz that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over on Orthanc, Skies are dark
And the wiz that is wizzing there really’s quite a shark!
Someday I’ll wish upon One Ring and wake up in a marsh with him behind me
Where troubles build like brick walls high
And Sauron will send Nazguls fierce
Oh so close behind me
Somewhere over Barad-Dur… Nazguls fly
Nazguls fly over whole Mordor, hide from them, why can’t I?
If nasty aweful Nazguls fly, I need to hide quick
Why Oh why can’t I?
L. Frank Baum, *The wizard of Orthanc *
Lord of the Rings, told by R2D2
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp- Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp- Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-
Beep-whistle-chirp-chirp-beep-chirp-whistle-crackle-blink-chirp-beep-beep-BEEP-crackle-whistle-whistle-beep-chirp-BEEP!
I am the very model of the modern heir of Elendil
I aid the bearer of the ring whose really not an Underhill
I woo the elven damsel and…
The army incorporeal,
I am the very model of the modern heir of Elendil!
The Shire faces a historic threat from an Axis of Evil: Mordor,
Saruman, and, um, orcs or something.
Covert cells of black riders are at work in the land. To face
this evil, I have dispatched a Special Operations team to
dispose of the ring of power in, uh, Baghdad.
Also, tax cuts.
Lord of the Rings - minimalistic version
One Ring to rule them all!
sizzle
The End
Could someone pelase do:
[ul]
[li]Dr Laura Schlesinger[/li][li]Rush Limbaugh[/li][li]Jar-Jar binks[/li][/ul]
Michael Ellis, a beautiful capture of Douglas Adams style!
Couldn’t resist this one;
The Lord of the Rings, by Joseph Conrad (adapatation by Francis Ford Coppola)
Frodo stood before the stinking, cavernous entry to Mount Doom's heart, fingering the ring on its chain. They all want me to do it, he thought to himself, Sauron most of all. He just wanted to go down fighting, like a soldier of doom, a walking talking embodiment of evil, not some ragtag renegade ghost of a Maiar bound to his black tower. Frodo remembered the words he'd heard from afar when he'd donned the ring at the Falls of Rauros.
"Who are you?" came a cold voice, thick with malice. "Are you a Ring Bearer? Are you an assassin?"
"Certainly not, sir! I'm a hobbit!" squeaked Frodo.
"No... you are an errand boy... sent by grocery clerks... to collect a bill."
"I think it's Sam you want there, Mister Sauron, sir! I'll go get him!"
"No! Wait... I am afraid, that if I am... defeated - Frodo - my Ring destroyed... that they may not understand what I was doing here... that they may make up lies, Frodo, to protect themselves from the truth. Will you see to it, Frodo, that they learn the truth about me?"
Frodo sighed. Sauron had broken from the Valar. He'd broken with them, then he'd broken with himself. Frodo had never seen anyone so broken up and smashed apart. They're going to make me a hero for this, he thought bitterly, and I'm not even in their f***ing Fellowship anymore.Epigramcracker, you’re “Night Before Christmas” version is absolutely great! How long did it take you to get all of that to rhyme?
~Aya~
This may be rather lame, but here goes…
Lord of the Rings! - The Rogers and Hammerstein version:
“The hills are alive, with the sound of Elvish,
With words they have spoke for three thousand years…”
“Oh, the orcs and the hobbits should be friends,
Oh the orcs and the hobbits should be friends.
One of them likes to hunt and feed,
The other one likes to smoke pipeweed,
But that’s no reason why they can’t be friends!”
“There is nothing like a Ring!
Nothing in the world!
There is nothing like that thing
That magical evil Ring!”
“Climb every mountain,
Ford every stream,
Follow every Gollum,
Till you destroy that Ring!”
“Some enchanted evening
You may see a ranger,
You may see a ranger,
Across a crowded room.
And somehow you know
You know even then
That somewhere you’ll see him again.”
“Hello, young hobbits, whoever you are,
I hope your troubles are few.
All my good wishes go with you today
I’ve been on a quest like you.”
“I’m gonna throw that Ring right into the fire
I’m gonna throw that Ring right into the fire
I’m gonna throw that Ring right into the fire
And send Sauron on his way!”
And the big, showstopping production number:
“Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Mordor!
Where Frodo and Sam will try to go.
Where the air is foul and orcs do prowl,
Will they succeed? We just don’t know!”
OMG! ROTFLMAO!!! I am sooo tempted to actually type this into an editor to see what happens:D WELL DONE!!!
Inspired by earlier versions of Poe, I decided to try my hand at it. Can’t believe no one has done this one yet:
The Wizard, by Edgar Allen Poe
Once upon a morning sunny, while I breakfasted, eggs so runny,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of elvish lore-
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my Bag-End door.
“Tis some relative,” I muttered, “tapping at my Bag-End door-
Only this and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the late September;
And each separate hobbit wrought requests upon my door.
Eagerly I wished the evening;-when I would be softly leaving
From my home in the West Farthing-for an elven shore-
For the rare and radiant Rivendell, told in elven lore-
Imladris here for evermore.
And the shiny, tempting feeling of my secret ring
Thrilled me-filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
“Tis some relative entreating entrance at my Bag-End door-
Some blasted relative entreating entrance at my Bag-End door;-
This is it and nothing more.”
Presently my soul grew strong; hesitating then no longer,
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I am not admitting, definitely not admitting
Anyone except upon official party business, I implore.
Go away!” said I-and then a voice outside the door;-
“What about old friends?” it said, and nothing more.
Open wide the door flinging, long I stood there wondering, fearing
Doubting, dreaming dreams no hobbit ever dared to dream before
But my eyes did not deceive me, for there stood tall before me
My old friend the wizard Gandalf, beloved the Shire o’er!
My dear friend the wizard Gandalf, whom I had known before.
“Come in, come in,” said I, and behind him shut the door.
That’s all I can think of for now - anyone care to finish it?