I’ll see what I can find for you, FairyDust. Meanwhile, it’s time for some family quality time. Hubby has sent baby’s grandmas to their neutral corners (disagreements on how to care for their grandchild), so I’m going to log out for now.
Has anyone done an LOTR parody of The Beverly Hillbillies? That’s one I’d like to see.
wheels turning, possibly creating one in the back of my mind
Ta-ta.
There’s a Mirror Site for The Lord of The Peeps. I have it open in another window so I know it’s working.
Beverly Hillbillies has been done already - twice, actually. See p. 25.
Thanks, amy_attorney. Those were pretty good.
Looking forward to when the index at Teemings Extras is finished, but it’s an ongoing project.
Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Frodo style.
Somewhere over in Mordor
Way up high
There’s a mountain of fire
That I will have to climb.
Somewhere over in Mordor
Skies are black
And the Dark Lord, whose ring I have
really wants it back.
Someday I’ll have to find a road
That takes me and this heavy load
Away there;
And when it’s done, back to the Shire
With no more talk of rings or fire,
Hope I can stay there.
Somewhere over in Mordor
Nazgul fly
Gandalf rides on the Eagles,
Why, then, oh why can’t I?
If Gandalf and his buddies fly
With all the Eagles
Why, oh why can’t I?
Oh.
My.
God.
I LOVE IT!
I bow before your greatness, o’ Nithy!
Wish I could write one as good as this!
Sincerely and with deepest admiration for your talent,
FairyDust
I love your Somewhere Over the Rainbow version!
Don’t know how you do it, coming up with all these ideas.
“I’ll get you, my pretty little Hobbit! And your little servant, too!”
Lord of the Real World – Rivendell
Week 2 – Is It Getting Hot in Here?
Intro: (spoken by the 7 housemates)
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together…
Frodo: See what happens….
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Cut to hallway outside steaming bathroom. Boromir is there, trying to peek inside. A few seconds pass, then Boromir is splashed by water.]
Boromir: Ahhhh! Cold! It’s cold!
[Arwen enters hall, holding bucket]
Arwen: Trying to spy on me again?
Boromir (acting innocent): I would never spy on you.
Arwen: Oh, please.
Boromir: I wouldn’t. I was…just waiting, patiently and politely, for you to finish… which you obviously have.
Arwen (not buying it): If I ever catch you spying on me again, I will make sure that it is the last thing you ever see.
Boromir (laughs): Are you threatening me? What could you possibly do to me?
Arwen: Well, let me put it this way – I shouldn’t even be here. They picked Glorfindel to be the 7th roommate, but you don’t see him here anywhere, do you?
Boromir (trying to act cool): No.
Arwen: I would remember that, if I were you.
[Arwen leaves to go downstairs. Boromir stares after her, his expression unreadable.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Arwen’s kind of scary.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.] (laughing): Like I could really do anything to good ole Glory. No, I just offered him a couple of flasks of Lorien miruvor and got Daddy to promise him a place on his big Council meeting he’s having in a few weeks, and Glorfindel just handed over his key. But Boromir doesn’t need to know that.
[Cut to den. Saruman is using Palantir, of course. Legolas is standing in doorway, looking peeved.]
Legolas: You know, Saruman, some of us would like to use the Palantir also. I’ve gotten about 50 elf-babe’s p-mail addresses since I’ve gotten here, but they aren’t doing me any good sitting on my dresser.
Saruman: With all due respect, Legolas, son of Thranduil, that is not my problem, nor it is my concern. I have a business to run.
Legolas: Ah, yes, your business. Which would be… what again?
Saruman: In time, you will learn everything you need to know.
Legolas: Whatever.
Saruman: I can see that your time spent with Boromir has been put to good use. His skills of intellectual conversation are all but rubbing off on you.
[Just then, Boromir enters room.]
Legolas: Why are you all wet?
Boromir (ignoring him): Saruman, I need to use the p-net. Now.
Saruman: I’m in the middle of an extremely important business transaction. You cannot use it.
Boromir: Yeah, well, I’m gonna be in the middle of extremely kicking you’re a**, if you don’t get off that thing right now.
Saruman (laughing wickedly): Your time will come. [Picks up staff and waves it at Legolas and Boromir, who go flying out of the room. A second later, the door slams shut and locks.]
Boromir: If he does that one more time, I’m gonna break his staff in two.
Legolas (helping Boromir up): That’s what you said the last time.
Boromir: Well I mean it this time.
Legolas: You said that the last time, too.
Boromir: Whatever.
[The next night, Eowyn, Gollum, Boromir and Frodo go out clubbing. Gollum gets drunk and starts a riddle contest* with Frodo. Eowyn and Boromir dance awhile, then sit at a booth to talk.]
[Cut to Frodo and Gollum]
Frodo: How many letters are in “The Alphabet”?
Gollum (counting): 11. A woman has 7 children. Half of them are boys. How is this possible?
Frodo: They’re all boys. Half of them are boys, and so is the other half.
[Cut to Eowyn and Boromir]
Eowyn: So, what about you? Brothers? Sisters?
Boromir: I have a younger brother – Faramir. He’s a good man. Too good, for these perilous times. If he had any kind of a backbone, I’d be surprised.
Eowyn: Don’t mistake goodness for softness.
Boromir: He’s always trying to be fair. Sooner or later he needs to learn that most times it’s just best to shoot first, ask questions later. Like that Uruk-Hai that was chasing after us on our way up here. If it had been Faramir, he probably would have waited to see if the Uruk was going to attack him or ask him for directions or something.
Eowyn: You know, now that you mention it, he did have a piece of paper or something in his hand.
Boromir: So, what? He was delivering a message? Please.
[Cut to Gollum and Frodo. People are now making bets on who will win.]
Gollum: If you were running a race, and passed the man in second place, what place would you be in?
Frodo: Second place. George, Helen and Steve are drinking coffee. Bert, Karen and Dave are drinking soda. Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or soda?
Gollum: Um…she’s drinking, um…
[Frodo smirks. The audience gets excited.]
Gollum: Um, she’s drinking… coffee?**
[Frodo stops smirking, shocked.]
Frodo: Why?
Gollum: That wasn’t parts of the riddle, precious. You did not ask why.
Frodo: I said ‘using logic.’ You were correct by sheer luck.
Gollum: Still correct.
Frodo: Fine. Your turn.
[Cut to Eowyn and Boromir]
Eowyn: My uncle is a strong man, but he doesn’t always know what to do. What’s for the best. Sometimes it’s necessary to take extra caution.
Boromir: And sometimes it isn’t. (Pauses, staring at her.) You know, you have beautiful eyes.
Eowyn: Thank you. (smiles)
Boromir: A beautiful smile also. (leans over and kisses her)
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.] Yes! He kissed me! I knew I could seduce him.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.] Ha, she let me kiss her! I knew she wanted me.
[Cut back to bar; to Frodo and Gollum]
Frodo (pulling out the big guns now): There is a common English word that is Nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?
Gollum: Ha! He thinks he’s being clever, he does, but we already knows this one. The word is Startling – then starting, staring, string, Sting, sing, sin, in, I.
[Frodo looks ill. This is clearly his most clever riddle.]
Gollum: Now I gets to be tricksy. What have I gots in my pocketses?
Frodo: That’s not a riddle. And besides, you don’t have any pockets.
Gollum: No. NO! There’s an answer, there is. What have I gots in my pocketses?
Frodo: But you don’t have any pockets. I can’t possibly answer that question.
Gollum (getting upset and scaring off the crowd): WHAT HAVE I GOTS IN MY POCKETSES! ANSWER, FILTHY HOBBIT! WHAT IS THE ANSWER!
Frodo (trying to calm Gollum down): All right, all right. Is it… your hand?
Gollum: No! Nononononononono! (Starts jumping from one table top to the next) No, not the hand precious. What is it? WHAT IS IT!
[Boromir and Eowyn come running up. Everyone in bar is looking at them and the manager is yelling for them to leave. Boromir tries to calm Gollum down, but fails. Eowyn finally lures him out of bar by waving a cup of ale in front of his face. Somehow they get him home.]
Frodo: I’ll get Legolas. (Starts running upstairs.)
Boromir (shouting up stairs): LEGOLAS, GET DOWN HERE!
[Legolas comes down, sees Gollum who’s still agitated, then runs back upstairs again. He comes down a few seconds later, carrying something. He plugs it into the wall and turns it on. It’s a lava lamp. Gollum is instantly mesmorized.]
Legolas: Don’t ask.
Frodo: Weird.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r]: Clearly, Gollum has issues of some sort. He should really consider seeing a therapist.
[Next morning. Shot of Gollum sacked out in his room, sleeping off the night before. Cut to bathroom, where Arwen and Eowyn are getting ready for the day.]
Arwen: So, are you going to tell me what happened last night?
Eowyn: I have no idea what happened last night.
Arwen: No, I mean, with Boromir.
Eowyn: Oh, him. Well, he kissed me.
Arwen: No! What was it like?
Eowyn: Nice.
Arwen: Is romance in the air?
Eowyn: I don’t know. I mean, he’s handsome, and rugged, and all that good stuff, but…
Arwen: What?
Eowyn: Well, he’s kind of…
Arwen: Boorish?
[They laugh.]
Eowyn: Yes, Boromir is boorish.
[Cut to kitchen, where Frodo has Legolas, Boromir, and Saruman helping with breakfast. Legolas and Boromir are cutting vegetables, and Saruman is stoking the fire.]
Frodo: Ok, everything is ready for cooking. Um, Saruman, you might want to pin back your sleeves. They’re getting singed.
Saruman: Oh, no. My pretty white robes. That won’t do at all.
Legolas: Just take them to the cleaners.
Saruman: Yes, but what will I wear in the meantime?
[Legolas shrugs. They get back to fixing breakfast. They are just putting the food on the table when Arwen and Eowyn enter.]
Frodo: We made you breakfast! It was Boromir’s idea.
Boromir (looking embarrassed): It’s no big deal.
[Eowyn and Arwen look impressed and sit down. Boromir pulls out Eowyn’s chair. They all sit down and eat.]
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r]: I had no idea Boromir could be so sweet. I think I may have underestimated him.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: It was NOT Boromir’s idea. Frodo planned the whole thing, because he felt so guilty about ruining things last night at the bar. I heard him telling his friend Sam when he came by to visit.
[Various scenes of roommates lounging about. Sam comes to visit, and he and Frodo stroll around the gardens chatting. Arwen manages to sneak into the den to use the Palantir when Saruman isn’t looking and chats with Aragorn for awhile. Gollum wakes up and runs to bathroom to spew his guts.]
[The next day, Saruman comes downstairs wearing a funky robe of metallic material that shines different colors depending on the way the light hits it.]
Arwen: What are you wearing?
Saruman: An old robe of mine from the 70’s. A bit outdated, but I rather like it.
Arwen: It certainly is… different.
Saruman: I am not wearing this out of choice, I would have you know. In my sincere efforts to help prepare your meal yesterday morning, I dirtied my other robe and now have to get it cleaned. I will return shortly.
[Later that day]
Boromir: Has anyone seen Saruman?
Arwen: He left this morning to the cleaners.
Eowyn: And he hasn’t come back yet? He hasn’t left this house once since the night we got here.
Frodo: You don’t think he got lost do you? Maybe we should go look for him.
Boromir (fed up): See, I knew it! I knew you couldn’t have someone that old without there being problems.
[Legolas and Arwen share a guilty look. Gollum pretends to not hear anything.]
Boromir: Senile old fool. Nothing but problems from the day he arrived. Stuck in his ways is what he is.
[Everyone but Boromir goes out to look for Saruman, but no one finds him. They eventually give up. Frodo runs into Sam and they hit the cafes. Legolas gets distracted by some elf-babes. Arwen convinces Eowyn to go to the beauty parlor to get manicures. Gollum amuses himself by making shadow puppets on the wall outside the parlor.]
[Later that night, after everyone is asleep, Legolas comes home with the elf-babes and they start to party in the hot tub. Boromir wakes up, and decides to join them.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.] I don’t know why I did it. I’m an idiot! I’m always screwing everything up!
[Cut to Eowyn and Arwen’s room. They wake up.]
Arwen: Who’s making that noise? I need my beauty rest.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Poor Eowyn. She was so crushed. And if it wasn’t for Legolas, I think she would have killed him.
[Cut to hot tub room. Eowyn and Arwen enter to see Legolas and Boromir making out with the elf-babes. Eowyn looks ready to kill.]
Eowyn: What the **** do you think you’re doing!
[Boromir and Legolas jump back, startled.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Dude, Boromir is sooo busted!
[Cut to hot tub room. Boromir scrambles from hot tub and is about to apologize, till Eowyn pounces him and starts ripping him to shreds. Legolas jumps out of hot tub and wrestles Eowyn off Boromir.]
Legolas: Eowyn, chill, girl.
Eowyn (to Boromir): You are dead to me, snake.
[Eowyn runs out of room, with Arwen close behind. Elf-babes decide it’s time to go home and leave.]
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: Men! They’re all the same. Snakes. I hate them! I hate him! I hope he dies a horrible death.
[Couple of days pass. Eowyn and Arwen avoid Legolas and Boromir, who do likewise. Frodo spends most of the time out in town with Sam. Gollum sleeps.]
[Cut to den a few days later. Boromir has decided to take the opportunity to use the Palantir while Saruman’s MIA. Eowyn enters the den.]
Eowyn: What are you doing? Checking all your messages from your girlfriends?
Boromir: No.
Eowyn: Then what are you doing?
Boromir: Getting some advice.
Eowyn: Advice on what? How to two-time without getting caught? Here’s a tip – don’t bring it home!
Boromir: I didn’t bring it home; Legolas did. (Notices Eowyn’s heated stare.) But that isn’t the point, I realize that. I’m just talking to my brother about something.
Eowyn: The goody-goody with no spine?
Boromir: A never said he was a…
Eowyn: Yes you did.
Boromir: Fine, whatever, I did. But I’m talking to him, so if you don’t mind…
Eowyn: I don’t mind at all. (She goes over to Palantir and yanks it away from Boromir. Reading what he wrote): “Please, brother, give me some advice. She’s being such a b**** and I need to make her like me again before I kill her.” What a sweet sentiment! You didn’t happen to mention how you’re a pig, did you? Let me make this easy for you. (Starts typing) “Hello, Faramir. This is Eowyn, the B****. I thought you should know that no amount of advice you give your hapless brother will to save his sorry a**. And if you even think about helping him, by Illuvatar, I will strangle you to death and throw your weighted corpse into the deepest part of the Anduin if ever we should meet.” (Hits the Enter key and leaves room.)
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Women! You make one little mistake and they act like you tried to forge a ring of Power and cover the lands in darkness or something. And it’s not like there was ever actually anything going on between us. Just that one little kiss, which in retrospect, probably wasn’t the smartest thing for me to do. Who knew she’d be such a psycho hose beast?
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: If only I had my sword.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Gandalf, where are you? Get me out of this hellhole!
Next week on Lord of the Real World – Saruman returns and causes more havoc. More Shire folk come to town to cheer up Frodo. Gollum crosses the line with Boromir.
*Thanks to Riddlenut.com for the riddles.
** The answer is Elizabeth because her name has two E’s, just like the other people drinking coffee, whereas the people drinking soda have only one E in their names.
The Fellowship Connection
Boromir:
Why are there so many
Songs about Frodo
And that stupid ring he bears?
I tell them I would be
Perfect for that job
But nobody really cares.
I know it’s evil but I can’t ignore it
The halfling should give it to me.
Someday I’ll get it,
The One Ring of Power
The people will all bow to me.
Legolas:
What does that elf chick
See in that Ranger?
He hasn’t bathed in years.
I am the prettiest
Here in Imladris,
I have all the others in tears.
He may be king, but I’m Elf Prince of Mirkwood;
Why is it him that she sees?
Someday I’ll find it,
The stubble connection
And then she’ll be falling for me.
Frodo:
All of them under its spell,
My precious has got to be magic.
Merry & Pippin:
Why are the two of us
Stuck in the background?
We’ve both got feelings, too.
We don’t get many lines;
We’re treated like objects,
What is it we’re meant to do?
We’re being taken by orcs into Orthanc
If Treebeard won’t help, then we’re screwed.
I hope they find us,
And come to our rescue
The elf, dwarf, and not-king-yet dude.
Bill the Pony:
La da da dee da da dum
La da da da da dee da neigh.
Return to Bag End
–sung by Frodo
Samwise Gamgee and I walked along
Under branches lit up by the moon
Posing our questions to Gandalf the Grey
As our days disappeared all too soon
But I’ve wandered so far, now I’m stuck in this mire
And I can’t seem to find my way back to the Shire
So help me if you can, I’ve got to get
Back to the hole at Bag End before one
You’d be surprised there’s so much to be done
Eat all the meals in the day!
Sing with the boys at the pub!
Back to the days before great rings of power destroyed…
Peregrin Took doesn’t know what to do
Got a pipeweed leaf stuck in his nose
He came to me asking help and advice
And from here on one knows where he goes
So I sent him to ask of the ent called Treebeard
(They are old friends, so he’s not to be feared)
But help me if you can, I’ve got to get
Back to the hole at Bag End before one
You’d be surprised there’s so much to be done
Eat all the meals in the day!
Sing with the boys at the pub!
Back to the days before great rings of power destroyed…
[years and years later…]
Well, it’s hard to explain how a few precious friends
Seem to follow throughout all out lives
And when all’s said and done, I was watching Sam’s son
Sitting there by the mallorn so wide
So I smiled at him, hugged him, and as I was goin’
That small hobbit boy whispered “Frodo, you’re home!”
So help me if you can, I’ve finally come
Back to the hole at Bag End before one
You’d be surprised there’s so much to be done
Eat all the meals in the day!
Sing with the boys at the pub!
Back to the days before great rings of power,
Back to the days of hobbits and laughter,
Back to the days of food!
Heres a challenge, the national anthems of middle earth… rewrite your own national anthem with a middle earth theme. Here’s mine
A national anthem for the shire set to Australia’s Advance Australia Fair
Hobbits all let us rejoice
For we are short and free
We’ve golden soil and wealth for toil
Our home is girt by trees
Our land abounds in natures gifts
Of beauty rich and rare
In Bilbo’s pages, let every stage
Advance the Shire fair
In joyful strains then let us sing
Advance the Shire fair
oh, and if you don’t know the words, it can also be sung to the theme for Gilligans Island… It sounds better than the normal tune anyway
Haha! Nice Jeanster, but what about “I’ll get you my Hobbit, and your little gardener, too!”?
Hopefully no one else has done an Army of Darkness version yet…
My name is Frodo, and I am a Ring Bearer. Close as I can figure it, the land is Middle Earth and I am being forced to go to Mount Doom. It wasn’t always like this. I had a real life once, a job…
“Uh, pipeweed, aisle 12. Shop wiser, shop the Shire!”
Strider: I am Aragorn, King of Gondor, lord of the lands and leader of their people:
Boromir: Well hello mister fancypants. I got new for you pal, you ain’t leading but two things right now, Jack and shit, and Jack left town.
Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this? This is the RING OF POWER! It’s a beautifuly crafted ring, Middle Earth’s top of the line. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Mt. Doom. It’s got a highly polished finish, some fancy elvish writing, and unspeakable power.
King Elrond: Are all dwarves from Moria loudmouthed braggarts?
Gimli: Nope, just me baby, just me
Arwen: You found me beautiful once.
Strider: Honey, you got real ugly.
LOTR meets Francis Scott Key (sung to the tune of The Star Spangled Banner, national anthem (last I checked, anyway - I don’t think it’s been changed to ‘God Bless America’ yet) of the USA):
Frodo, can you see
By the fire’s warm light
What Sauron’s pen wrote
In the metal that’s gleaming
The Elvish script
That contains a dark curse
O’er the other rings
of power demeaning
Gandalf’s rockets’ red glare
Fireworks in midair
Gave the party such flare
While Bilbo was still there
Oh say does that
One Ring have power o’er all
Or is this the land of the free
And the home of the brave?
And, just in case they have changed it - LOTR meets Irving Berlin (sung to the tune of God Bless America):
Gollum and Smeagol
Ring that they lovesssssss
Sam and Frodo
Are guided
Through the night
Past the lights
In the marsh.
From Mount Doom,
To Rohan’s prairies
To the Anduin
White with foam
Gollum and Smeagol
Will guide them on,
Gollum and Smeagol
Will guide them on.
Fisssshes gotta sssswim,
And birdssses gotta fly
I gotta love one ring 'til I die
Can’t help lovin that precioussss of mine.
Tell me it’sss evil,
Tell me I’m sssslow,
Musssst ssserve sssweet massster,
I promisssed him ssso,
Can’t help lovin’ that precioussss of mine.
(I’ve only seen showboat once.)
Don’t remember the whole thing, but it starts nicely…
Mordor, Mordor uber Alles…
LEAVE IT TO FRODO : A LOTR Parody, Alternate Universe style. Rated PG, humor.
Disclaimer: I don’t own The Lord of the Rings and/or Leave It To Beaver.
Scene: Mayfield, Middle Earth. Suburban setting sometime in the late 1950’s. We see a lovely house with a beautiful front yard surrounded with a white picket fence. Frodo is sitting on the front stoop. The door opens. Frodo sees Aragorn about to leave the house with Legolas, Gimli and Boromir.
FRODO
Hi, fellas! Where are you going? Can I come, too?
ARAGORN
Sorry, Frodo. I promised the guys it’d be just us today. We have a practice meet on the battlefield.
BOROMIR
Yeah, beat it, squirt!
ARAGORN
Hey, knock it off, Boromir!
BOROMIR
What are you yelling at me for? He always wants to tag along. (turns to Frodo) Run along and play with your own friends, squirt!
ARAGORN (sternly)
Boromir, I’m warning you. Cut it out or I’ll make you sorry you ever started picking on Frodo.
Boromir sees the serious look on Aragorn’s face and also sees Aragorn fingering the handle of his Anduril sword and realizes he has gone too far.
BOROMIR
Okay, okay! Geez, Louise! I was just kidding!
ARAGORN
Frodo, you and I can do something together tomorrow. I promise. But today it’s just the guys and me. Okay?
FRODO (sad look on his adorable Hobbit face)
Well, okay, Aragorn. Have a good time, fellas.
ARAGORN (feeling guilty)
I promise I’ll make it up to you, Frodo. I’ll even treat you to an ice cream cone, okay?
FRODO (face brightens up a little)
Really? Okay!
ARAGORN (smiles)
See you later.
Scene: Living room of the house.
BILBO
Gandalf, I’m worried about Frodo.
GANDALF
You are? I must admit that I myself have been concerned about the little fellow. Earlier today I had a talk with Aragorn to remind him that he did take an oath to protect that little Hobbit.
BILBO
How did it go?
GANDALF
It went well. Aragorn’s a good man. He just needed that little reminder.
BILBO
I’m glad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll give this house a good vacuuming since I’m already all dressed in my finest clothes.
GANDALF
The pearls give the ensemble a nice touch.
BILBO
Thank you. I thought so. So did Boromir with his usual, “My, what a lovely outfit you’re wearing today, Mr. Baggins.” Gawd, what a suck-up! What on earth does Aragorn see in him as a friend?
GANDALF
Oh, I’m sure he has his good qualities. I just can’t think of any at the moment. Well, I’m going to my den now to read up on magic spells. I’ll see you a little later, my friend.
BILBO (mutters to himself)
Sure, leave me with all the housework to do. Go hide in your den and smoke Hobbit weed.
Scene: Streets and sidewalks of this suburban town. Frodo and Sam are walking along. Sam is carrying a bag of doughnuts. He offers one to Frodo. Frodo politely refuses. Sam shrugs and happily munches on the doughnut.
FRODO
Look, Sam. There are Merry and Pippin. Let’s go say hi.
SAM (nods instead of speaking as his mouth is full of doughnut)
FRODO
Hey, fellas. What are you doing?
MERRY
Hi, Frodo. Hi, Sam. We’re just trying to decide if that giant coffee cup up on top of that billboard is really filled with hot steaming coffee or not.
PIPPIN
I say it IS hot coffee. Why else would it be steaming like that?
MERRY
I say it’s some sort of machine. Or maybe it’s magic. Maybe Gandalf made that giant coffee cup and his magic keeps it steaming.
PIPPIN
Well, there’s only one way to find out for sure.
FRODO
How?
PIPPIN
Someone will have to climb up there and look inside.
MERRY
Yeah!
PIPPIN
Hey, Frodo, why don’t you go on up there and tell us what’s inside?
FRODO
Me? Why me? I don’t care what’s making it steam.
MERRY
What are you, Frodo? Chicken?
PIPPIN
Yeah, Frodo! Are you chicken?
FRODO
I’m not chicken! I just don’t care what makes it steam. Since you guys are the ones who care, why don’t one of YOU climb up there?
MERRY
Frodo’s a chicken! Frodo’s a chicken!
PIPPIN
Cluck, cluck, cluck! Frodo’s a chicken!
FRODO
Sam, aren’t you going to say anything?
SAM (points to his mouth full of doughnut to indicate he can’t talk at the moment)
Frodo rolls his eyes in exasperation.
Merry and Pippin continue clucking like chickens and teasing Frodo. Sam finishes swallowing his mouthful of doughnut.
SAM
Frodo, why don’t you go ahead and climb up there? It’ll give you a chance to get rid of that ring you still have.
FRODO
What do you mean, Sam?
SAM
You still have it, don’t you?
FRODO
Well, yeah. What with school and homework and chores and stuff, I just haven’t had time to get rid of it like I was supposed to. Gee whiz, Sam. How would climbing up to that giant coffee cup help me get rid of this ring?
SAM
You could throw it down inside! If it’s really magic hot steaming coffee, then won’t the powerful magic destroy the ring?
FRODO
M-maybe. Gee whiz, Sam. I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work? Then I’d only be climbing up there for nothing. What if I fall? What I break something?
SAM
Frodo, listen to the guys! They think you’re chicken! Are you going to let them believe that about you?
FRODO (pauses to think this over)
Hmmm. W-well, I guess not. I don’t want it getting around town or in school that I was too chicken. Hey, fellas!
MERRY
What, chicken? I mean, Frodo?
PIPPIN
Yeah, what?
FRODO
I’m gonna do it! Watch me!
MERRY and PIPPIN
Hooray! Go Frodo! Go Frodo!
SAM
Go Frodo! Oh, but if you fall and get hurt, it wasn’t my idea, okay?
Frodo glares at Sam.
Scene: Practice field in Mayfield, Middle Earth
ARAGORN
Great practice session, guys. You did good.
GIMLI
We will do well in our next battle against those Orcs.
LEGOLAS
Indeed. We make a great team.
BOROMIR
Aragorn, how come you always get to be the Captain?
ARAGORN (rolls his eyes)
Do we have to have this conversation every time we do this?
Scene: The billboard with the giant coffee cup on top. Frodo is teetering on the edge of the cup. Sam, Merry and Pippin are down below staring up at him.
SAM
You can do it, Frodo! You’re almost there! Just throw the Ring into that giant coffee cup!
FRODO
Whoaaaaaa! (falls headfirst into the giant coffee cup)
SAM
Frodo!
MERRY
Uh-oh. Hey, I think I hear my mom calling me.
PIPPIN
Uh, me, too! I gotta run. 'Bye, Sam!
Merry and Pippin take off running as fast as their Hobbit feet can carry them.
SAM
Hey! Come back here, you guys! Don’t leave us! Frodo needs help!
FRODO
Sam! Help me!
SAM
Frodo! What’s inside the cup? Is it hot coffee?
FRODO
No!
SAM
Well, what is it?
FRODO
Why don’t you get your sorry ass up here and find out for yourself, you stupid moronic sad excuse for a friend! I could kick myself for letting you talk me into climbing up here! You better hope I never get out of here because if I ever do, I’m gonna kick your sorry ass all the way out of Mayfield, Middle Earth!
SAM
Frodo?! I-I’ve never heard you yell at me like that. How could you? I thought we were best friends!
FRODO
Are you going to start crying now, you idiot? I’ll give you something to cry about! Just you wait!
SAM (bawls)
Waaaawww!
Scene: Later that evening in the lovely home. Frodo is safely back in the bosom of his loving family.
FRODO
I’ll never do anything like again. I promise.
BILBO
Well, we’re glad to hear that, Frodo. We’re even more glad that you’re okay.
GANDALF
Aragorn, don’t you have something you want to say to Frodo?
ARAGORN
Well, okay. Frodo, I’m sorry I put the guys ahead of you. I should have stayed by your side, since I did take that oath to protect you. I promise to be better about that.
FRODO
Thanks, Aragorn.
group hug!
THE END
LOTR meets George Gershwin…
(to the tune of ‘Bess, You Is My Woman Now’ from Porgy & Bess):
Aragorn: Arrrrrwen, you is my woman, now.
You is, you is…
Arwen: Aragorrrrn, I’se your woman, now…
I is, I is…
And I ain’t never goin’ nowhere, honey, lest you says…
…
(to the tune of ‘Summertime’):
Frodo: Shiretime…and the livin’ is eeeasy…
Smeagol: Fishessssssss are jumpin’…and the precious isssss mine…
Sam: Ohhhh the coney stew and the brown bread cookin’
Sooo we’ll eat well at second breakfasttime.
though dry. The Prancing Pony was a brewpub, and you may, O my brothers, have forgotten what these mestos were like, the age drawing to an end and everyone very quick to forget, balladeers not being heard much neither…
“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
I take it up now, and this is the real weepy and like tragic part of the story beginning, my brothers and only friends, in Mordor. You will have little desire to slooshy all the cally and horrible raskazz of the shock that sent Gimli beating his bruised and krovvy rookers against unfair like Bog in the Grey Havens, and Legolas squaring his rot for owwwww owwwww owwwww in his indignant grief at the Ringbearer and only son of the Shire like letting everybody down real horrorshow…
“What’s it going to be then, eh?”
That, my brothers, was me asking myself the next moorning, standing outside the cracks of Mount Doom, in my platties of Mithril of two years back in the grey light of dawn, with a malenky bit of a bag with my Sting in and a bit of cutter taken from the vonny Orcs to like start me off in my new life.
The rest of the day before had been very tiring, what with having my finger bitten of by Gollum and the One Ring being cast into the fires and me folding up in the face of ultra-violence and all that embarrassing cal…
But where I itty now, O my brothers, is all on my oddy knocky, where you cannot go. Tomorrow is all like sweet flowers and the turning vonny earth and all the stars and the old Luna up there and your old droog Frodo all on the road going ever onandonandon. And all that cal…