If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

I haven’t read every page, so I’m not sure if this one’s been done…
Mordor Rising
An Aragorn Elessar Adventure
(Over 7,000,000,000 in print!)
by Clive Cussler

Chapter Eleven

Frodo Baggins was sure he was dying.
His eyes were closed and the heart in his chest thundered. A burst of light whirled around in Baggins’ mind as consciousness gradually returned, and a spasm of nausea rushed over him and he retched uncontrollably. How long had he been on this journey? He wasn’t sure.
He opened his eyes and rolled up onto his hands and knees. His ring pounded like a jackhammer and compelled him. His hand was drawn to it and it took great will not to touch it. Except for the ring, there was no exterior sensation; the pain had been dulled by the cold. But there was no dulling of the agonizing temptation in his head.

A clang of metal weapons echoed down the Weathertop. Baggins looked around, but all he could see was the swirling mists whipped by the vicious wind. Another crash tore the frigid air. He guessed that it came from only a hundred yards away.
All thought of escape had vanished now. It was finished. He knew he could never make it to Rivendell. Nor was he in any condition to sail the little grey craft across fifty miles of open Anduin to a rendezvous with the waiting dark Lord

He sank back in the dirt. The weight of his burden had weakened him beyond further physical effort. The Ringwraiths must not find him. That was part of the bargain with Gandalf. If he must die, they must not take the ring.
Soon he would be only a small white pile of bones on a desolate slope of Weathertop, buried forever under the constantly building dark empire.

He stopped a moment and listened. The only sounds he heard were his own gasps and the wind. He listened harder, cupping his hands to his ears. Just audible through the howling wind he heard a wraith shreik.
“Oh Elbereth,” he cried silently. As long as his body was still warm, the sensitive nostrils of the demon were sure to pick up his scent. He sagged in defeat. There was nothing left for him but to lie back and let his life ooze away.

But a spark deep inside him refused to dim and be extinguished. Merciful Gilthoniel, he thought deliriously, he couldn’t just lie there waiting for the Ringwraiths to take him. He was only a simple hobbit, not a trained secret agent. His mind and fifty-year-old body weren’t geared to stand up under intensive temptation from the ring. He closed his eyes as the sickness of failure overcame all physical agony and he slipped on the ring.

When he opened them again, his field of vision was filled with the head of an immense ghostly king. Baggins recognized him as a Ringwraith, a mighty man standing six feet at the shoulder, covered by a heavy robe of long grey, and flanked by two others. There was an indifferent look about the man. He stood there and stared down at his helpless quarry, gripping his sword in his left hand while he steadied a glowing knife with his right. He looked fearsome in his huge greatrobe that came down to booted ankles, and the pale, expressionless eyes showed no compassion for Baggins’ size. The wraith lifted his weapon and reached down and pierced Baggins’ left shoulder. Then without a word, the demon reached for the ring.

Baggins nearly passed out from the pain. He felt as though he’d been stabbed by poisoned ice. He swooned and that was as far as he’d got when a vague figure appeared through the storm. It was blurred by the wall of swirling white mist. Through the dim haze of near unconsciousness, Baggins felt the wraith stiffen. A soft “plop” sounded over the wind, and the massive figure next to the first fell shrieking on its side in the dirt. The tallest dropped his gaze from Baggins and frantically tried to raise his sword, but the strange sound was repeated and a flaming brand that glowed red suddenly appeared in the middle of the king’s forehead. Then the eyes went glassy and he fled from Frodo’s side.

Something was terribly wrong; this shouldn’t be happening, Baggins told himself, but his exhausted mind was too far gone to draw any valid conclusions. He sank to his knees and could only watch as a tall man in a travel-stained cloak materialized from the white mist and gazed down at the hobbit.
“A damned shame,” he said tersely.

The man presented an imposing appearance. The oak- tanned face looked out of place for the Weather Hills. And the features were firm, almost cruel. Yet it was the eyes that struck Baggins. He had never seen eyes quite like them. They were a deep sea-green and radiated a penetrating kind of warmth, a marked contrast from the hard lines etched in the face.

The man turned to Baggins and smiled. “Mr. Baggins, I presume?” The tone was soft and effortless.
The ranger pushed a broadsword into a scabbard, knelt down to eye level, and nodded at the blood spreading through the material of Baggins’ cloak. “I’d better get you to where I can take a look at that.” Then he picked Baggins up as one might a child and began trudging across the hill toward the fire.
“Who are you?” Baggins muttered.
“My name is Elessar. Aragorn Elessar.”
“I don’t understand…where did you come from?”
Baggins never heard the answer. At that moment, the black cover of unconsciousness abruptly lifted up, and he fell gratefully under it.

Somebody asked for a Rocky Horror Picture Show crossover…

I discovered that many of the RHPS songs can easily be converted to correspond events and persons of the Lord of The Rings. It is, however very hard to set the whole story coherently in the LoTR mode, or the other way around, so I decided just to do individual songs, beginning with the opening theme…

Suggestions for audience participation are welcome

Take cover, here it comes! (and remember, you asked for it.)
EPIC FICTION / TRIPLE FEATURE

–sung by Galadriel
Things were looking ill
and Middle Earth stood still
Last Alliance took the last stand,
and Elrond was there
in shiny armorwear
Gil-Galad was the Shining Star…
Then something went ill
for Isildur and Elendil,
they got pinned by the sinister Lord,
The Deceiver’s hand
was cut by… mortal man
and this is how the story began…

Epic fiction, triple feature
Saruman will breed a creature
See Uruk-Hai fighting, Pippin and Merry,
Frodo jumping on Brandywine ferry
Oh, oh, oh, o-oh…
In the epic, triple feature, fantasy.

Frodo nearly dismayed
when struck by Morgul’s blade
and his body jerked in poisonous spasm
I was really afraid
to see Gandalf the Grey
fight the Balrog and get drawn down the chasm
King Theoden said
they might all end up dead
and surviving took lots of skills
but when armies collide
every man on his side
is gonna get some serious kills,
like an…

Epic fiction, triple feature
Sam and Frodo with the gollum creature
See Nazgûl flying, hobbits crawling
the Gates of Mordor, horns are bawling
Oh, oh, oh, o-oh…
in the epic, triple feature, fantasy
I wanna see
Oh, o-oh…
the epic, triple feature, fantasy
for costly fee
Oh, o-oh…
the epic, triple feature, fantasy
in extacy
Oh, o-oh…
the epic
triple feature,
fantasy

(And more to come… just you wait ;))

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Please check out other estate items I have listed by clicking on "seller’s other auctions.” I have some great swords and vintage elf- and dwarf-crafted items for sale.

You may think this is a joke but I’ve seen at least two different companies sell replicas of “The One Ring”.

I’ve seen a couple of Dave Barry’s here already but not this one…hope somebody didn’t beat me to it, it’s from the Miami Herald Jan. 26, 2003…

Cracked me up big time…:stuck_out_tongue:


(Copyrighted material deleted. You KNOW that’s wrong, buddy. – Uke, Cafe Society mod)

Dreamflower:
Sorry, I’m confused…did you write that in the style of Dave Barry, or is that actually a Dave Barry column?
a.

Mea culpa. I left out a word in Leave It Frodo (page 36 of this thread). The last part should read:

Scene: Later that evening in the lovely home. Frodo is safely back in the bosom of his loving family.

FRODO
I’ll never do anything like that again. I promise.

BILBO
Well, we’re glad to hear that, Frodo. We’re even more glad that you’re okay.

GANDALF
Aragorn, don’t you have something you want to say to Frodo?

ARAGORN
Well, okay. Frodo, I’m sorry I put the guys ahead of you. I should have stayed by your side, since I did take that oath to protect you. I promise to be better about that.

FRODO
Thanks, Aragorn.

group hug!

THE END

Wish I could take credit, but it’s an actual Dave Barry column…I did mention it came from the Miami Herald, didn’t I? I don’t write for that particular publication…lol…A friend sent it to my LotR mailing list and I thought I’d pass it along…:cool:

Posting copywrited material in its entirety is a no-no here, dreamflower. Better ask a mod to delete at least part of it.

How long has it been since Fingolfin has come in here to see the monstrous proportions to which this thread has grown?

Dreamflower:

I think you’ve missed the point of the thread…

Wow, I can’t get over the new parodies that keep this thread growing! Just when I think it’s all been done, someone comes up with another.

Wish I could come up with a new one to add, but nothing’s coming to my mind. Oh, well. Guess I’ll read over my favorite ones here. That’s always fun.
You guys are so talented.

:slight_smile:

Well, sorry. I’m not an attorney so I don’t know these things. Excuse my ignorance and deal with the post as you see fit. I figured as long as the author’s name and the source were posted it would not be a problem. Well, I thought this was a fun and laid back place that didn’t have a lot of points and rules and regulations, but if it’s that uptight, I’ll stay away.

Frodo and the Amazing Technicolor Ring of Power

Frodo: I wore my ring
(backup hobbits: I wore my ring)
Frodo: With Elven writing
(backup hobbits: Aaahaaah)
Frodo: Bright letters burning
(backup hobbits: Aaa-aaah)
Frodo: Words I never knew
When Gandalf came
(backup hobbits: When Gandalf came)
Frodo: He said it’s evil
(backup hobbits: Aaahaaah)
Frodo: Said I should throw it
(backup hobbits: Aaa-aaah)
Frodo: Back into Mount Doom
(backup hobbits: Back into Mount, Back into Mount Doom, etc.)

Narrator: Way way back many centuries ago
Not long before the Fourth Age began
Frodo and his friends set out from Rivendell
Trying to foil Sauron’s evil plan
Frodo! Frodo & co.
Tried to climb Caradhras, but the snow was too deep
Frodo! Frodo & co.
Went down to Moria where the Balrog sleeps

Narrator: The ring was gold and shiny and round and heavy and magic and evil and old and Sauron’s and Gollum’s and Bilbo’s and Frodo’s and Sam’s and Frodo’s.

Frodo: I see a big red flaming eye each time I wear the ring
I want to run, I want to hide, escaping from this thing.
Could it be that I was not the right guy for the task?
Galadriel, you want the ring? All you must do is ask.

Galadriel: The ring of yours, dear Frodo lad, is really nasty news.
You would offer me this ring? What course should I choose?
The evil power of this ring, I know I must withstand.
I’ve got one ring and that’s enough, now get out of my land.

Narrator: Poor poor Frodo, Whatcha gonna do?
The ring is bad for you, hey, whatcha gonna do?

The Fellowship: There’s one more Maiar in Mandos
There’s one more star in the sky
Gandalf, we’ll never forget you.
It’s tough, but we’re gonna get by.
There’s one less man in our Fellowship
There’s one more tear in my eye.
Gandalf, the things that you stood for,
Like truth and pity, never die.

Narrator: Boromir had tried to take the
Ring from Frodo; not succeeding
Ended up an easy target
Shot by Orc-ish arrows.
Faramir, unlike his brother
Wanted nothing from this evil
He let Frodo keep the ring and
Go on into Mordor.

Narrator and Faramir’s men: Go go go Frodo, you’ll make it soon
Hang on now Frodo, you’ll get to Mount Doom
Samwise and Gollum are there by your side
It’s too bad that Gwahir would not let you ride.

Theoden, he was a powerful man
Held all of Rohan in the palm of his hand
But recently he had been under a spell
His kingly stature wasn’t doing so well.
When Wormtongue’s around, better get down on the ground
He’s a sneaky, tricky spy of Saruman
Catch him if you can.

Theoden: Well I was sitting in my castle with a mighty nasty headache when-a Ganalf busted in and tried to free me from this spell, uh huh.
(Rohirrim: Bop-shuwadawa, bop-bop-shuwadawa)
Theoden: Well he cast out Grima Wormtongue and he told me war’s upon me, but I didn’t wanna listen, I was feelin’ so well, uh huh.
(Rohirrim: Bop-shuwadawa, bop-bop-shuwadawa)
Theoden: And the women and the children should be going down to Helm’s Deep to be hid
(Rohirrim: Bop-shuwadawa, bop-bop-shuwadawa)
Theoden: And I know that Gandalf’s wise and smart, and so that’s just exactly what I did.
(Rohirrim: Bop-shuwadawa, bop-bop-shuwadawa)
Theoden: Well the Orcs came and attacked us, but we held them off and we managed to win.
(Rohirrim: Doom-ba, doom-ba, doom-ba, doom-ba)
Theoden: And Eomer came back, and I was reunited with my kin.

Denethor: Those Gondor days
We used to know
Where have they gone?
Where diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid they go?
Alas! This Palantir
Shows me sights I fear

Beregond: Do you remember the good years in Gondor?
When Denethor used to be sane?
He wasn’t a looney or crazy
He was quite all right in the brain.
It’s funny, but since he lost Faramir
He seems to be stuck in a mire
Perhaps he didn’t hate the lad
Perhaps he was a better dad
It’s too bad that he lit himself on fire.

Witch King: Oh no!
Not he!
How this man can kill me is a mystery!
The Proph-
esy
Said no living man would be the death of me.
(Nazgul: la la la la la, la la la; la la la la la, la la. la la la la la, la la la; la la la la la, la-la!)
Eowyn: No man! I be!
I am just a woman; not a “he” but “she”
Now you
Can’t flee
Sneaky little hobbit stabbed you in the knee.

Narrator: Frodo knew at last his quest was nearly at an end.
He strolled up to the Cracks of Doom, with Sam, his dearest friend.
Frodo: I don’t want to toss the ring; I think I’ll keep it now.
I will rule all Middle Earth, and all the men will bow.

Narrator: And Gollum came to Frodo
He started to feel bold
He bit off Frodo’s finger
Just to get the ring of gold.

Frodo: I had the ring
This close to ending.
The ring was bending
me to its will.
Then Gollum came
Bit off my finger
The pain will linger
It is with me still.
A vict’ry dance
A misplaced foot
Gol and the ring
Are gone for good.
The Dark Lord faded into nothing
We were left alone.

Narrator: And finally
(backup hobbits: And finally)
The show was over.
(backup hobbits: Aaahaaah)
My head is aching
(backup hobbits: Aaa-aaah)
My eyes are too.
I hope you liked
(backup hobbits: I hope you learned)
My little parody
(backup hobbits: Aaahaaah)
I wrote it 'spesh’ly
(backup hobbits: Aaa-aaah)
For all of you.

The Not Noel Coward Song by Eric Idle

(From “Monty Sauron’s Meaning of Rings”)

Isn’t it awfully nice to have a finger.
Isn’t it simply grand to wear a Ring.
It’s swell to have the Seven, it’s so nice to own the Nine,
From the tiniest little trinket to the greatest Ruling Ring…

So three cheers for your Bane of Isildur,
Hooray for your magic finger-band.
Your piece of gold, your birthday gift,
Your Preciousss or the One,
You can put it in your pocket, you must hide it 'til you’re done,
But don’t use it or the Nazgûl come and then the Ring is gone,
And it won’t a-come a-back.

Hi, Jeanster. Your Leave It To Frodo story is hilarious! I love the part where Frodo yells at Sam near the end.

Just spotted one more tiny oopsie in this paragraph:

[FRODO
M-maybe. Gee whiz, Sam. I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work? Then I’d only be climbing up there for nothing. What if I fall? What I break something?]

I think you meant to say “What if I break something?”

If you want me to beta read any more of your stories, let me know. I’d be happy to do that.

:slight_smile:

I can’t believe this hasn’t been done…
Speech George W. Sauron, February 29, 3019
Radio Address by the President to the Nation
THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. This weekend, Laura and I are hosting Prime Wizard Saruman the White, and his family, at our ranch in Barad-dûr, Gorgoroth. Mordor has no better ally in our war against terrormism than Isengard.

Six months ago, when the Mordor launched military strikes against Dunnedanny training camps and the Rhohrrim regime in Rothan, Orfthanc forces were right by our side. And the success of Operation Black Shadow owes much to the strong support from allies like Isengard. Yet, the war against terrorism is far from over. It will continue in Rothan and beyond.

The world has been brutally reminded these past two weeks of the price exactemated by terror. Prime Wizard Saruman and I will spend much of our time this weekend discussing the tragic outbreak of veeolence in the Middle Earth. Across the world, people are grieving for Goblins and Mordorians who have lost their lives.

When an 18 year old Rhothirrim girl is induced to blow herself up, and in the process kills a 17 year old Uruk-hai girl, the future, itself, is dying – the future of the Rhothirrim people and the future of the Yrch people. Mordor is strongly committed to finding a just settlement in the Middle Earth. That settlement must lead to two states, Rohan and Mordor, living side by side in peace and security.

This goal can never be realized through terrorism. It can only be realized through a political process. Rothan governments, the Riddermark leadership and the Rhothirrim people must recognize that suicide bombings are jeopardizing the very possibility of an independent Rhothirrim state.

This week, I called upon the Riddermark leadership to order an immedierate and erffective cease-fire, and a crackdown on terrorist networks. Gondor, too, faces hard choices. Mordor will always be a committered friend of Gondor, and we recognize Gondor 's right to defend itself against terror. Yet, to lay the founderations of future peace, I’ve asked Gondor to halt incurshuns, er forehays, er, stop-going-into Uruk-hai controlled areas and begin withdrawing from those cities it has recently occupied.

Next week, Secretary of State Wormtongue will travel the Middle Earth to seek broad international support for these principles, and to work toward a cease-fire that will lead to a political settlerment.

I have no illusions about the difficulty of this mission. Yet, our determineration is strong. We’ll work closely with nations in the region and with close allies, such as Isengard, to end this conflict and to begin an era of peace. This could be a hopeful moment in the Middle Earth. A number of Rothan leaders have endorsed a proposal that brings them closer than ever to recognizing the Uruk-hai 's right to exist. Mordor is on record supporting the legitimate aspirations of the Rhothirrim people for a Rhothirrim state. And Gondor has recognized the goal of a Yrch state.

I believe the region could write a new story of demolcracy and develeropment and trade, and join the progress of our times. Yet, progress requires an atmoshpherey of peace, and peace requires acts of leadership, not acts of terror.

Thank you for listening.

(end transcript)

Sheesh, take a pill. :wally It’s not that I’m uptight, it’s that you’re missing the point… The point of the thread is to be original and post your own parodies of others’ styles.

If you just wanted to direct people’s attention to Dave Barry’s original work, I think just posting a link would have been appropriate, as many other people have done when directing attention to creative things not their own.

So, don’t stay away, just post your own work/thoughts. :slight_smile:

You Make Me Feel (Like a Ring-Crazy Hobbit) by Aretha Franklin

Peering out at the Mordor terrain
I used to feel to unrestrained
And when all I had to do was face another Shire day
Lord it made me feel so happy

Before the day I met you
Life was so refined
You’re the ring that made a mess of my mind

Cuz you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like a ring-crazy hobbit

When my youth was fill with innocence
You came along to claim it
I didn’t know just what it would mean to me
Till a big Eye helped me see it

Now I’m no longer doubtful
Of what I’m headin’ towards
And if you’re feeling heavy I just got to fight you more

Cuz you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like a ring-crazy hobbit

Golden ring, what you done to me
You make me feel so cold inside
And I, just want to get you
As far away from me, you make me feel so insane

Cuz you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like a ring-crazy hobbit
[Repeat to fade]

[Someone may have already written a Friends version, but I can’t remember if I read it somewhere in this very long thread. Anyway, here’s my version.]

LOTR - Friends Version, or The One With The Ring

Scene: Central Perk.

MONICA
So, Phoebe. Tell us about your blind date last night.

PHOEBE
Oh, please. I’d rather not.

RACHEL
That bad, huh?

PHOEBE
It was…well, weird.

RACHEL
Even for you? That’s saying a lot.

MONICA
How weird?

PHOEBE
Well, for one thing, I wasn’t expecting a chaperone.

MONICA and RACHEL
What???!!!

PHOEBE
He shows up for our date, then a few seconds later his friend Sam shows up and says, “Frodo’s not going anywhere without me!”

MONICA
Frodo? What kind of a name is Frodo?

PHOEBE
Not sure. Said he’s from some place called the ‘Shire’, whatever that is.

RACHEL
So this Sam fellow stayed during the entire date?

PHOEBE
Yep. Oh, did I mention that they’re both short?

MONICA
How short?

PHOEBE
Like about three and a half feet tall. I felt like asking the waiter to bring booster seats for the both of them.

RACHEL
Wow. So what did you do during the evening?

PHOEBE
Tried to make the best of it. I was polite and friendly. Asked them about this ‘Shire’ place and what life is like over there.

MONICA
Well, I guess we shouldn’t judge people on their size. So what if they’re short? I’m sure they were very nice fellas, right?

PHOEBE
Well, yeah. And, boy, could they pack away a meal! Turns out they’re used to eating, get this, eleven meals a day!

MONICA
Wow. Kind of takes me back to my youth when I was fat.

RACHEL
So are Frodo and Sam fat?

PHOEBE
No. Frodo’s actually cute. He has beautiful big blue eyes and an adorable face. Sam’s just a teensy bit stocky, but nice looking.

MONICA
Are you planning to see Frodo again?

PHOEBE
I wasn’t going to, but after talking about that date with you two, it got me thinking.

RACHEL
Thinking about what?

PHOEBE
They both had enormous feet. Hairy, but enormous for guys their size.

MONICA
Ooooh!

PHOEBE
That’s right. You know what they say about large feet! (grins)