Rule of thumb: if your post starts “I can’t believe no one has done this one yet”, it’s a foregone conclusion that someone has. 
PLEASE!
I was actually singing along!
The (Phantom) Burning Eye of Sauron
title song from the musical…
FRODO
In sleep he sang to me
In dreams he came
That voice which calls to me
And speaks my name
And do I dream again
For now I find
The buuuuuurning eye of Saaauron is there
Inside my mind
THE RING
(hey, it’s a character, it should be able to sing!)
Put me on once again
I’m glad we met
My power over you
Grows stronger yet
And though you turn away
To glance behind
The buuuuuurning eye of Saaauron is there
Inside your mind
FRODO
It’s there, the buuuurning eye of Saurooooon….
Beware the buuuurning eye of Sauroooon….
Aaaahhhhh……
Aaaaahhhh…
etc
- wipes tear from corner of eye * sniffs
that was beautiful. Honestly, i wish I could write like that…
How to Win Fiends & Influence People
by Sauron Carnegie
Chapter 2
The Big Secret of Dealing with People
There is only one way under Mount Doom to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
Remember, there is no other way.
Of course, you can make someone want to give you his cloak clasp by sticking a sword in his vitals. You can make your employees give you cooperation – until your back is turned – by threatening to feed them to Shelob. You can make a child do what you want it to do by a whip or a threat. But these crude methods, while effective, have sharply undesirable repercussions.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.
What do you want?
Harmscoff the Wise said everything you and I do springs from two motives: the urge for power, and the desire to be great.
Aromir the Ancient, one of Middle Earth’s most profound philosophers, phrased it a bit differently. Aromir said that people’s deepest urge is “the desire to be important.” Remember that phrase: “the desire to be important.” It is significant. You are going to hear a lot about it in this book.
What does this mean for one who would be supremely powerful? If you would have minions to do your bidding, you must make them want what you want them to want.
There are several methods to achieve this:
[list=1]
[li] You can allow them importance, or the illusion of importance. While useful, this method can inspire subordinates with troublesome ambitions. Eventually, they may even aspire to usurp you.[/li][li] You can subvert their independent will, and make them crave above all precisely what you desire them to crave. I have found Rings of Power particularly useful for this task. Over time, even an enemy’s will can be replaced by your own, and you can possess him utterly, even beyond death.[/li][li] You can breed minions to your own specifications. If you need armies of thousands – nay, tens or hundreds of thousands! – this is your method. These creatures will belong to you utterly, and can no more think of overthrowing you than a dwarf can overthrow the sun.[/li][/list=1]
…I remeber Smeagol, perched there on the precipice of The Cracks of Doom, the ring was clutched in his hand, and a little trickle of blood was slidding down his chin from my finger. I was hypnotized by that trickle, and no one wiped it away.
I remember when I first met him, perched above my and Sam’s heads, hissing and roaring about thieves, but after that, I’ll always remember him as I saw him last. Perched on the precipice of the Crack of Doom, with the ring in his hand, and that little trickle of blood sliding down his chin…
A little off, I’ve not read “He died with a felafel in his hand” for a VERY LONG time.
Dang,this thread’s got more stamina than an Olympic weightlifter! 
On illegal steroids no less…
Yeah…is there anybody we haven’t covered?
Yes…
LOTR meets Maurice Sendak…anyone remember “Where the Wild Things Are” or “In the Night Kitchen” well enough?
LOTR by the authors of the “Gnomes” and “Fairies” books (sadly, without the illustrations)…
…We were awakened at dawn by our hostess, a fairy named, ironically, Pixie. She told us that the decision had been made, and we were to be allowed to travel with her to another land, called Middle Earth. There, we would be given access to the records of the Elves, and we would be allowed to take notes on certain parts.
“Certain inconsistencies in the legends that have made their way out of Middle Earth since ancient times need to be corrected. The Council of Elrond has decided that since you have done such excellent work with the gnomes, and with my own race, that you can be trusted to set the story straight.”
We were both readers of Tolkien, so to learn that in fact the Council of Elrond existed outside of his imagination startled us, but no more so than the discoveries that we had already made concerning races that most people considered fictional.
We ate a hearty breakfast - fairies, despite their slender appearance, are quite energetic folk, and therefore eat rather more than you might suspect, to compensate - and then started on our journey…
And Then I Got High, LOTR style, by AfroMan
Sauron:
Was gonna be a Big Evil Dark Lord, until I got high
Was gonna cover all lands in darkness, but then I got high
And now I’m a big flaming Eye, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Sam:
Was gonna hit the Dragon after work, before I got high
Was gonna ask out Rosie Dear, but then I got high
And now I’m stuck following Frodo, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Gandalf:
Was gonna lead a quest to Mordor, but then I got high
Was gonna light the way thru Moria, but I got high
And now I’m a Balrog Krispie, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Galadriel:
Was gonna be treacherous as the sea, before I got high
Was gonna fool around with the halfling, but then I got high
And now I’m gonna fade into the West, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Boromir:
Was gonna steal the ring from Frodo, but I was high
Was gonna be the ruler of Gondor, but I was high
And now I’m stuck full of arrows, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Legolas:
Was gonna be the pretty and silent one, until I got high
Was gonna be the fangirls’ favorite, but then I got high
And now I’m stuck with this Dwarf, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Eowyn:
Was gonna be shieldmaiden of Rohan, but then I got high
Was gonna be brave and strong, and then I got high
And now I’m gripped with the Black Death, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Aragorn:
Was gonna be the king of Gondor, until I got high
Was gonna get married to Arwen, but then I got high
Now Elrond really hates me, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Frodo:
Was gonna save the Shire from doom, but then I got high
Was gonna get rid of that ring, but I got high
And now I’m missing a finger, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Gollum:
Was gonna live forever with Precious, but I was high
Was gonna eat mean hobbitses, but I was high
And now I’m falling in lava, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Tolkien:
Was gonna write a filmable story, before I got high
Was gonna have a happy ending, but then I got high
Now it’s completely out of control, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Hey! this thread fell all the way back to the third page! Yay!
You don’t like this thread,I take it?
I love it! I posted two stories in it! But all good things must come to an end. Or the indexing will never get completed!
Aw c’mon, it’s only 37 pages long (ok, so each page printed out is more than 20 pages, and it killed my laser printer…what’s a fuser between friends?)!
Good things should never come to an end! I still want more!
Speaking of…
Lord of the Real World – Rivendell
Week 3 – What the %*#$ is Going on Here?
Intro: (spoken by the 7 housemates)
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven strangers…
Gollum: Chosen to livesss together…
Frodo: See what happens….
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Saruman: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
[Early morning hours. The house is quiet. Shots of housemates sleeping and fish swimming happily in their tank. Cut to front door entryway. Saruman enters quietly and tiptoes up to his room.
A few hours later – housemates are awake, even Gollum, and getting ready for the day. Eowyn and Boromir stay as far away from each other as possible – you couldn’t cut through the tension with a nuke bomb. The other housemates try to go about business as usual. No one talks.
Everyone’s in kitchen, finding food to eat except, oddly enough, Frodo. Saruman enters kitchen.]
Saruman: Hello.
[Everyone looks at him, surprised.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Why the **** did that old fossil have to come back? And what’s with the disco robe? Where did that come from?
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I don’t know, man. Rainbow robes? Maybe Saruman’s the gay one. NO, wait! – I don’t want to picture that. Dammit! Too late. Now I’m scarred for life. Immorality blows.
[Cut back to kitchen]
Arwen: Have the cleaners still not finished with your other robe? I would complain to the manager if I were you.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.] Arwen ain’t the brightest star in the heavens, is she? Like the old geezer was really getting his robes cleaned all this time. He’s up to something.
[Back in kitchen, Saruman goes to fridge and gets some food. Everyone just watches him. Gollum hides in corner behind plant.]
Frodo (somewhat accusingly): Where have you been?
Saruman (oblivious): Here and there.
Eowyn: That’s hardly an answer.
Saruman: I do not owe you an explanation for my whereabouts, Eowyn, Eomund’s daughter, but if you must know, some urgent business matters came up that I had to attend to immediately. But everything is in order now, and I am here to stay.
Boromir (sarcastically): Oh, goodie.
Eowyn (under her breath): Nothing good about you.
Boromir: What did you say?
[Eowyn ignores him.]
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.]: Of course, as soon as I leave, they would decide to do something interesting. I’ll have that Gollum creature tell me what happened. (Evil glint in his eye as he says ‘Gollum’.)
[Next day. Doorbell rings. Sam enters without waiting for an invitation. He goes to the kitchen where he finds Frodo, picking at his food. Sam sits down, and helps himself to elevensies, or luncheon, or tea, or whatever one of the bazillion meals of the day this is.]
Sam: I have some news. Your cousins, Merry and Pippin, are on their way. They should be here sometime the day after tomorrow.
Frodo: What are they coming for?
Sam: Well, by your leave Mr. Frodo, I’ve told them that you’ve been a bit depressed lately, missing home and all, and they offered to come and cheer you up. They even found a couple of bottles of the old Winnyard left. If they don’t drink it all on the way over here, we’ll have a toast when they arrive.
Frodo: Toast to what?
Sam: Well, a toast to family and good friends. Cheer up, Mr. Frodo, you won’t always be here. It’ll be over before you know it.
Frodo: I don’t see how that’s possible. Every day seems longer than the last.
[Just then, Boromir enters the kitchen, gets some soda from the fridge. He stares at Frodo and Sam unpleasantly as he leaves.]
Sam: Is that rude man still bothering you? You should know, Mr. Frodo, I’ll kill him if he tries anything.
Frodo (smiling slightly): I know Sam.
Sam (somewhat embarrassed, changes subject): How’s your shoulder?
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I didn’t tell anyone, cause I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, but on my way out here, some weird scary guy dressed in black came out of nowhere and stabbed me. Butterbur, that’s the innkeeper in Bree, had told us that there have been a rash of muggings in the area. Anyways, the drivers had to rush me to the hospital here, and then, go figure, there was like, a flood at the Ford or something. They barely got me here in time. But I’m all better now.
[Back in kitchen, Frodo fingers his shoulder.]
Frodo: It’s fine.
[Sam gives him a look that says he doesn’t believe him, but he says nothing. He continues eating.]
[Montage of housemates lounging about. Arwen is doing her nails, Eowyn is fashioning a knife out of a tree branch. Legolas and Boromir are playing pool, the total game score now being Legolas: 13, Boromir: 5. Gollum is sleeping and Saruman, of course, is surfing on the Palantir. Sam and Frodo are outside in the garden, eating apples.]
[Two days later. The doorbell rings. A couple seconds pass, then the doorbell rings again. And again. And again. Whoever it is, is really getting a kick out of that doorbell.
Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong!]
Boromir: OK, OK, we’re coming! Knock it off!
[Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong Ding Dong!]
[Boromir opens door. Two hobbits are standing there, taking turns pushing the doorbell.]
Boromir: Who ar–?
[Ding Dong Ding Dong!]
Boromir: STOP IT!
[Hobbits jump back, surprised.]
Hobbit #1: Sorry, we didn’t see you.
Hobbit #2: What is this thing? It’s so cool.
Boromir: No, don’t!
[Ding Dong]
Boromir (barely controlling his anger): Get in here before I have to hurt you.
[Hobbits enter house, unphased by the threat.]
Hobbit #2 (or was it hobbit #1?): Wow, it’s so huge.
Legolas (coming downstairs): You must be Frodo’s cousins.
Hobbit #1: Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland, at your service. (He bows.) And this is Peregrin Took. But you may call us Merry and Pippin.
Boromir: Mary? (He laughs.) Isn’t that kind of girlie name?
Merry (getting angry): Never insult a Brandybuck! (Kicks Boromir.)
Boromir: Ouch!
Pippin: For the Shire! (Kicks Boromir in other leg.)
Boromir: Ok, ok, my bad. Sorry. Stop kicking me!
Merry: Apology accepted.
Pippin: Can we ring the ding-dongy thing again?
Boromir and Legolas: No.
[Eowyn and Arwen come down. Eowyn is hiding something in the folds of her dress. Merry and Pippin’s jaws drop.]
Pippin: Pretty girls.
Merry (drools)
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: They are just the cutest little things on two legs. I wonder if Daddy will let me keep one.
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I’m getting a headache. But at least these guys seem like they’d be more fun than Frodo.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: No, not more grimy, hairy feet. I don’t think I can take it. Maybe I can ‘accidentally’ drop some soapy water on their feet.
[Frodo and Sam come in. Frodo greets and hugs his cousins.]
[Boromir in c.r.]: More hugging. Maybe hobbits just do like to hug.
[Everyone, but Saruman who’s glued to the Palantir and Gollum who’s sleeping, gathers in the living room and Merry and Pippin start telling them all stories of life in the Shire. During their story-telling, they manage to eat two full meals and drink one full bottle of the old Winnyard, while everyone else shares the other bottle. Then they take out some pipes, pack them with some pipeweed, and start lighting them up.]
Arwen: No smoking in the house. You must go outside.
Merry: But…
Arwen: No. Outside.
Pippin (whispering): Merry, do what the pretty elf lady says.
Boromir: OUCH!
[Everyone turns around, startled. Eowyn is standing over Boromir, who is rubbing the back of his neck. Eowyn has her hand behind her back, looking at everyone innocently.]
Eowyn: What?
Boromir: What? What do mean ‘what’? You poked me with something. (Looks at hand.) I’m bleeding.
Eowyn: Oh, please, I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole. (She leaves room.)
Merry (to Pippin): I like her.
[Pippin nods in agreement.]
[The hobbits wind up staying the night. They camp out in Frodo’s room. Boromir is forced to spend the night in Legolas and Gollum’s room, sleeping on some crumpled sheets on the floor.
Pippin starts going through the things in the room. He finds a horn and blows it. It’s really loud and wakes up everyone in the house.]
Frodo: Shh! That’s Boromir’s. He’s not going to like you going through his stuff.
Merry: Quick, put it back.
[Pippin puts it back just as Boromir enters the room, red-eyed.]
Boromir: What was that?
Pippin: What was what?
Boromir: Did I just hear a horn blast?
[The hobbits look at each other innocently, then at Boromir.]
Sam: We don’t have any horns.
Pippin: Right, so, how could we have blown one?
Boromir: Don’t touch my things again. (leaves)
Pippin: He doesn’t seem so bad, Frodo.
Frodo: Just wait.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: I’ve never seen anything like it. It was – wild, man. Strange.
[Next morning. Hobbits are cooking enough food to feed an army. Most of it is for them. The girls are upstairs doing their hair. Legolas is mixing soap in some water, trying to be discreet. Boromir is inspecting his horn. Saruman sneaks around in the den, obviously up to something. Gollum is in living room, busy with something in one of the corners. Pippin decides to feed the fish in the fish tank. Merry goes with him.]
Pippin (calling into kitchen): Frodo, did you know there aren’t any fish in your fish tank?
Frodo: What do you mean?
[Frodo and Sam go to fish tank. Sure enough, there’s no fish.]
Sam: Well, that’s odd.
Merry: Yes, very fishy.
[Merry and Pippin bust up laughing. Boromir and Legolas come down the stairs. Legolas is carrying a bucket. They stop to see why everyone is staring at the tank.]
Legolas: Where’s the fish?
[Just then, Gollum burps in his corner. Everyone looks at him.]
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I have a bad feeling about this.
Boromir: Gollum?
Gollum: Yummy, yummys, fresh fisssh.
Pippin: You ate the fish?
[Gollum stops moving. Everyone just stares at him. Saruman comes up from behind and watches everyone.]
Boromir (getting angry): Gollum, did you eat the fish?
Gollum: No.
Saruman: Don’t lie, Gollum. I saw you do it.
Gollum (says nothing)
Boromir: Gollum? Is that true?
Gollum (hanging head): Yes.
The hobbits: Ew!
Boromir (barely able to control his rage): You ATE them! All of them! Even Twinkle?
Frodo: Twinkle?
Boromir (pointing at Legolas): It was his idea to name them.
Legolas: Yeah, but you’re the one who named them.
Boromir: Shut up. Was I talking to you?
Frodo: Twinkle?
Boromir: Can it, half-pint.
Merry: That was unnecessary.
Boromir: Whatever.
Pippin: Twinkle?
Boromir (looking embarrassed): He was my favorite, all right.
Legolas: It’s all right Borry. We can get some more.
Saruman (whispering in Boromir’s ear): Yes, I’m sure Gollum’s still hungry. And I believe he ate Twinkle first.
[Boromir, unable to contain his anger any longer, leaps at Gollum.]
Boromir: You slimy, little… Get back here!
[Gollum screams and runs out of room and out the back door. Legolas reaches out to hold Boromir back. The bucket slips from his hands and a wave of cold soapy water splashes the hobbits’ feet. They jump back in shock as Legolas tries to calm Boromir down.]
Saruman (whispering in Boromir’s ear): If Legolas had been doing his job, this never would have happened.
[Boromir turns on Legolas.]
Boromir: You were supposed to be watching him. Stupid elf. You let him eat Twinkle!
[They start fighting. The hobbits try to run out of the way, but they slip on the water, and everyone falls down in one big heap. Saruman stands back and laughs.]
[Cut to bathroom upstairs. Arwen and Eowyn are listening to the commotion.]
Arwen: What are they fighting about now?
Eowyn: Who knows.
Arwen: Boys.
Eowyn: Yeah.
[They go back to fixing their hair.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: It’s not like I really cared about the stupid fish anyway. It’s just the principle of the matter. Those fish belonged to the house. He should have asked before he ate them.
[Cut to Saruman in c.r.] (laughing hysterically): So, I just whispered in his ear while he was asleep ‘Eat the fish’. I didn’t think it would actually work.
[Cut to living room later that day. All the guys have ice packs for bruises and cuts. None of them are talking, except Merry and Pippin who occasionally crack a joke. Arwen and Eowyn come in the front door.]
Eowyn: It’s official. Gollum’s gone. We couldn’t find him anywhere.
[Legolas looks ill, but says nothing. Boromir looks guilty but says nothing. Frodo, Sam and Merry are expressionless, but say nothing. Pippin looks confused.]
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
[Everyone just stares at him. No one says anything.]
Arwen (finally breaking the ice): So what do we do now?
Eowyn: Where’s Saruman?
Legolas: In the den, where else?
[Eowyn goes into den. No Saruman. She goes upstairs to his room. No Saruman, and his things are gone. A letter is sitting on the bed. She grabs it and goes back downstairs.]
Eowyn: Now Saruman is gone. (reading letter) ‘I am most sorry to inform you that some rather urgent business matters have come up and I had to leave immediately. I shall not be returning.’
Legolas: ‘Urgent business matters.’ There’s a surprise.
Eowyn: This letterhead looks familiar. This is all very fishy.
[Merry and Pippin laugh. Boromir breaks down and cries.]
Boromir: Twinkle! (sobs)
[Everyone looks at him, shocked. Frodo reached over and pats his shoulder.]
Frodo: There, there.
Arwen: So, again, what do we do now?
Eowyn (shrugs): Look for new housemates?
Merry (raising hand urgently): Oh, me! Pick me! And Pippin!
Sam: What about me?
Merry: There’s only two places available and me and Pippin are a package deal.
Sam: I’ve been here longer than either of you.
Merry: I raised my hand first.
Pippin: Who’s Gollum?
Frodo: You can all stay.
Eowyn: But that would make 8 housemates. That’s not allowed.
Frodo: I don’t care. Merry and Pippin can take Saruman’s room. Sam, you can stay with Legolas. Everyone agreed?
[Everyone nods, even Boromir, who has regained control and is trying to act macho.]
Pippin (leaning over and whispering in Merry’s ear): Who’s Gollum?
Merry (somewhat annoyed): Pippin.
Next week on the Lord of the Real World: The season finale! (which I’ll try to post tomorrow.)
I’m loving these Real World sketches.
Lord of the Princess Bride
During the Scouring of the Shire:
(Frodo meets Saruman in a field outside Bag End at a table with two goblets and a bottle of wine.)
Saruman: So. It is down to you, and it is down to me.
Frodo: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
Saruman: There will be no arrangement.
Frodo: Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
Saruman: I’m afraid so. I can’t compete with you in a swordfight, and you’re no match for my brains.
Frodo: You’re that smart?
Saruman: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Manwe? Ulmo? Aule?
Frodo: No.
Saruman: Morons.
Frodo: Really. In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
Saruman: For the Shire?
(Frodo nods.)
Saruman: To the death?
(Frodo nods.)
Saruman: I accept.
Frodo: Good. Then pour the wine.
(Saruman pours the wine. Frodo pulls out a flask and passes it to Saruman)
Frodo: Inhale this but do not touch.
Saruman: I smell nothing.
Frodo: What you do not smell is called The Gaffer’s Home Brew. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
Saruman: Hm.
(Frodo takes the goblets and turns his back on Saruman. Dramatic music. Frodo puts the goblets back on the table.)
Frodo: All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink; and find out who is right, and who is dead.
Saruman: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine what I know of you–are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Frodo: You’ve made you decision then?
Saruman: Not remotely. Because the Gaffer’s Home Brew comes from the Shire, as everyone knows. And the Shire is entirely peopled with Hobbits. And Hobbits are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Frodo: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Saruman: Wait 'til I get going! Where was I?
Frodo: The Shire.
Saruman: Yes, the Shire. And you must have suspected I would have known the poison’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Frodo: You’re just stalling now.
Saruman: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten Sauron, which means you’re exceptionally strong, so you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
But you also know some Elvish, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that hobbits are mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Frodo: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.
Saruman: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know where the poison is!
Frodo: Then make your choice.
Saruman: I will. I choose–Crebain from Dunland!
(Frodo turns to look. Saruman switches the cups)
Frodo: Where? I don’t see anything.
Saruman: I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. (chuckles)
Frodo: What’s so funny?
Saruman: I’ll tell you in a minute. But first, let’s drink; me from my glass, and you from yours.
(They drink. Saruman chuckles)
Frodo: You guessed wrong.
Saruman: You only think I guessed wrong! That’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Valinor,” but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Maiar when death is on the line.”
(Saruman laughs. Dies.)
Sam: And to think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
Frodo: They were both poisoned. I have spent the last few years developing an immunity to the Gaffer’s Home Brew.
Yes, I did shamelessly rip these lines from Princess Bride, and yes, I did write this exact same thing in Rotten Tomatoes. Deal with it.
Okay. My brother read my Leave It To Frodo parody and asked, “How did Frodo get rescued?” So to answer that question, I inserted the rescue section and corrected the typos pointed out to me. (Thanks, FairyDust.) Mea culpa.
Here it is, Leave It To Frodo, revised version:
Disclaimer: I don’t own The Lord of the Rings and/or Leave It To Beaver.
Scene: Mayfield, Middle Earth. Suburban setting sometime in the late 1950’s. We see a lovely house with a beautiful front yard surrounded with a white picket fence. Frodo is sitting on the front stoop. The door opens. Frodo sees Aragorn about to leave the house with Legolas, Gimli and Boromir.
FRODO Hi, fellas! Where are you going? Can I come, too?
ARAGORN Sorry, Frodo. I promised the guys it’d be just us today. We have a practice meet on the battlefield.
BOROMIR Yeah, beat it, squirt!
ARAGORN Hey, knock it off, Boromir!
BOROMIR What are you yelling at me for? He always wants to tag along. (turns to Frodo) Run along and play with your own friends, squirt!
ARAGORN (sternly) Boromir, I’m warning you. Cut it out or I’ll make you sorry you ever started picking on Frodo.
Boromir sees the serious look on Aragorn’s face and also sees Aragorn fingering the handle of his Anduril sword and realizes he has gone too far. BOROMIR Okay, okay! Geez, Louise! I was just kidding!
ARAGORN Frodo, you and I can do something together tomorrow. I promise. But today it’s just the guys and me. Okay?
FRODO (sad look on his adorable Hobbit face) Well, okay, Aragorn. Have a good time, fellas.
ARAGORN (feeling guilty) I promise I’ll make it up to you, Frodo. I’ll even treat you to an ice cream cone, okay?
FRODO (face brightens up a little) Really? Okay!
ARAGORN (smiles) See you later.
Scene: Living room of the house.
BILBO Gandalf, I’m worried about Frodo.
GANDALF You are? I must admit that I myself have been concerned about the little fellow. Earlier today I had a talk with Aragorn to remind him that he did take an oath to protect that little Hobbit.
BILBO How did it go?
GANDALF It went well. Aragorn’s a good man. He just needed that little reminder.
BILBO I’m glad. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ll give this house a good vacuuming since I’m already all dressed in my finest clothes.
GANDALF The pearls give the ensemble a nice touch.
BILBO Thank you. I thought so. So did Boromir with his usual, “My, what a lovely outfit you’re wearing today, Mr. Baggins.” Gawd, what a suck-up! What on earth does Aragorn see in him as a friend?
GANDALF Oh, I’m sure he has his good qualities. I just can’t think of any at the moment. Well, I’m going to my den now to read up on magic spells. I’ll see you a little later, my friend.
BILBO (mutters to himself) Sure, leave me with all the housework to do. Go hide in your den and smoke Hobbit weed.
Scene: Streets and sidewalks of this suburban town. Frodo and Sam are walking along. Sam is carrying a bag of doughnuts. He offers one to Frodo. Frodo politely refuses. Sam shrugs and happily munches on the doughnut.
FRODO Look, Sam. There are Merry and Pippin. Let’s go say hi.
SAM (nods instead of speaking as his mouth is full of doughnut)
FRODO Hey, fellas. What are you doing?
MERRY Hi, Frodo. Hi, Sam. We’re just trying to decide if that giant coffee cup up on top of that billboard is really filled with hot steaming coffee or not.
PIPPIN I say it IS hot coffee. Why else would it be steaming like that?
MERRY I say it’s some sort of machine. Or maybe it’s magic. Maybe Gandalf made that giant coffee cup and his magic keeps it steaming.
PIPPIN Well, there’s only one way to find out for sure.
FRODO How?
PIPPIN Someone will have to climb up there and look inside.
MERRY Yeah!
PIPPIN Hey, Frodo, why don’t you go on up there and tell us what’s inside?
FRODO Me? Why me? I don’t care what’s making it steam.
MERRY What are you, Frodo? Chicken?
PIPPIN Yeah, Frodo! Are you chicken?
FRODO I’m not chicken! I just don’t care what makes it steam. Since you guys are the ones who care, why don’t one of YOU climb up there?
MERRY Frodo’s a chicken! Frodo’s a chicken!
PIPPIN Cluck, cluck, cluck! Frodo’s a chicken!
FRODO Sam, aren’t you going to say anything?
SAM (points to his mouth full of doughnut to indicate he can’t talk at the moment)
Frodo rolls his eyes in exasperation.
Merry and Pippin continue clucking like chickens and teasing Frodo. Sam finishes swallowing his mouthful of doughnut.
SAM Frodo, why don’t you go ahead and climb up there? It’ll give you a chance to get rid of that ring you still have.
FRODO What do you mean, Sam?
SAM You still have it, don’t you?
FRODO Well, yeah. What with school and homework and chores and stuff, I just haven’t had time to get rid of it like I was supposed to. Gee whiz, Sam. How would climbing up to that giant coffee cup help me get rid of this ring?
SAM You could throw it down inside! If it’s really magic hot steaming coffee, then won’t the powerful magic destroy the ring?
FRODO M-maybe. Gee whiz, Sam. I don’t know. What if it doesn’t work? Then I’d only be climbing up there for nothing. What if I fall? What if I break something?
SAM Frodo, listen to the guys! They think you’re chicken! Are you going to let them believe that about you?
FRODO (pauses to think this over) Hmmm. W-well, I guess not. I don’t want it getting around town or in school that I was too chicken. Hey, fellas!
MERRY What, chicken? I mean, Frodo?
PIPPIN Yeah, what?
FRODO I’m gonna do it! Watch me!
MERRY and PIPPIN Hooray! Go Frodo! Go Frodo!
SAM Go Frodo! Oh, but if you fall and get hurt, it wasn’t my idea, okay?
Frodo glares at Sam.
Scene: Practice field in Mayfield, Middle Earth
ARAGORN Great practice session, guys. You did good.
GIMLI We will do well in our next battle against those Orcs.
LEGOLAS Indeed. We make a great team.
BOROMIR Aragorn, how come you always get to be the Captain?
ARAGORN (rolls his eyes) Do we have to have this conversation every time we do this?
Scene: The billboard with the giant coffee cup on top. Frodo is teetering on the edge of the cup. Sam, Merry and Pippin are down below staring up at him.
SAM You can do it, Frodo! You’re almost there! Just throw the Ring into that giant coffee cup!
FRODO Whoaaaaaa! (falls headfirst into the giant coffee cup)
SAM Frodo!
MERRY Uh-oh. Hey, I think I hear my mom calling me.
PIPPIN Uh, me, too! I gotta run. 'Bye, Sam!
Merry and Pippin take off running as fast as their Hobbit feet can carry them.
SAM
Hey! Come back here, you guys! Don’t leave us! Frodo needs help!
FRODO Sam! Help me!
SAM Frodo! What’s inside the cup? Is it hot coffee?
FRODO No!
SAM
Well, what is it?
FRODO
Why don’t you get your sorry ass up here and find out for yourself, you stupid moronic sad excuse for a friend! I could kick myself for letting you talk me into climbing up here! You better hope I never get out of here because if I ever do, I’m gonna kick your sorry ass all the way out of Mayfield, Middle Earth!
SAM Frodo?! I-I’ve never heard you yell at me like that. How could you? I thought we were best friends!
FRODO Are you going to start crying now, you idiot? I’ll give you something to cry about! Just you wait!
SAM (bawls) Waaaawww!
Word quickly reaches Bilbo and Gandalf about Frodo’s situation. Gandalf, with the help of the giant flying eagle, rescues Frodo from inside the giant coffee cup.
Scene: Later that evening in the lovely home. Frodo is safely back in the bosom of his loving family.
FRODO I’ll never do anything like that again. I promise.
BILBO Well, we’re glad to hear that, Frodo. We’re even more glad that you’re okay.
GANDALF Aragorn, don’t you have something you want to say to Frodo?
ARAGORN Well, okay. Frodo, I’m sorry I put the guys ahead of you. I should have stayed by your side, since I did take that oath to protect you. I promise to be better about that.
FRODO Thanks, Aragorn.
group hug!
THE END