Had to give a nod to our lovely Cassie. 
P.S. The very secret Diary of Legolas, Part 2 just got posted on her website.Click me!
A heads up to Tristan who has already done a Laurell K. Hamilton version, but I’ve just been reading one, and I had to vent somewhere!
Legolas Greenleaf, Orc Hunter.
It was time to leave Rivendell.
I hate early starts, but it was looking to be a long day, followed by an even longer night.
I laid my clothing out on the bed, and was tempted by the green number with the mallorn leaf embroidery and drop-sleeves, but decided on the forest tunic instead - it wasn’t the warmest attire, but it was more important that nothing got in the way of me drawing my bow, should things go bad.
My pale fawn leggings would complement the outfit best, but I decided against wearing the matching heels - they might have looked better, but where I was going nobody was going to care - and let’s face it, running in heels is never easy.
So I settled for my old gymslippers. Raggy bits of leather and cloth, but practical.
I brushed my hair fifty times - my one vanity - said goodbye to the stuffed penguins on the bed, and joined the rest of them outside.
Elrond saw us off. He was trying to keep his mouth serious, but the gleam in his eyes gave it away - you could tell there was serious money involved in this task.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen the boss turn down anything that clinked - I couldn’t imagine what the ring was worth, but clearly there was a bigger better deal going on somewhere, and Elrond is drawn to profit like flies to a fresh corpse.
Sometimes I wonder why I even volunteered for this fellowship. But someone’s gotta do the dirty work. I only hope I can keep this set of clothing blood-free - the stains come out but the clothes are never the same afterward.
I was seriously irritated by the hobbits - they were going to make everything slow.
Civilians should never be allowed to tag along - they only get in the way. Heck, if they annoy me enough I’d be tempted to shoot them myself!
Gandalf says he’ll keep an eye on them - both eyes even.
I told him they’d be the death of him, and he raised his freaky eyebrows at me.
It gave me the shivers. That’s the problem with being around the supernatural - you can never tell what’s going on in their minds.
At least I can look him in the eyes and not be taken in by the sound of his voice.
One of the few advantages about being an elf in a man’s world.
Although he still dresses like a bag-end lady, at least Aragorn knows what he’s doing - it’s good to have the chief of rangers at to call on, when things go pear-shaped. I trust Aragorn - his department has been a great help to me in the past.
Boromir may have been better dressed than Aragorn, with his blue padded velvet and gold embroidered red undersleeves, but he seems to have an inferiority complex or something. He’s been whining ever since we started.
His chainmaille though, was a surprisingly practical choice of attire that complimented the garment.
However, I don’t trust his eyes. They’re shifty.
I was even polite to him at the council - Elrond would have been proud - but it’s not going to be easy on this trip. Bully for me.
But although we’ve barely gotten started, the Dwarf is seriously getting on my nerves. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a little man who thinks he can do a whole lot better than a “girly elf”.
I didn’t like the way this trip was starting, and I was already regretting not choosing my longsleeved green tunic with embroidery. It wasn’t about the cold so much, but I could have concealed my knives inconspicuously in the sleeves.
Still, I guess bow access will be more important than appearance for this mission.
Hopefully we won’t meet anyone I know.
(P.S. wheee! - I like the Cassie’s Secret Diarys too!)
…P.P.S. - Small correction.
Instead of toy penguins, Legolas Greenleaf, Orc Hunter, would have a small collection of stuffed toy seagulls in his bedroom, it’s more in keeping! 
That’s what happens when a Master Dark Lord rules your world - one look in that eye, and you forget things just like that!
And he wants to be friends with me and my companions?
I’ll believe that when I see Gandalf kitted out like a rainbow.
One order of marian keyes please, with a side order of Plath…can any one help me??? i’m not even going to try…
I’m surprised that no one has done one of the old “Little Golden Books” (do they even make those any more?) that some of us undoubtedly learned to read with:
The Tawny Scrawny Lion
The Pokey Little Puppy
etc.
Ok, I know I said this would be the last one, but I just couldn’t do it. Sorry guys, I did try. So here’s Week 4, and Week 5 will be up in the next day or so, and that one really will be the last, I promise! (It’s finished, I just need to polish it up.)
Lord of the Real World – Rivendell
Week 4 – Three’s a Crowd, Eight is Hell
Intro
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of seven, I mean, eight strangers…
Sam: Chosen to live together…
Frodo: See what happens….
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Merry: Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
Pippin: That was my line.
Merry: Was not.
Pippin: Was too.
Merry: Not
Pippin: Too
Merry: Not not not not not not not
Pippin: Too Too Too Too Too Too Too
Boromir: I need an aspirin.
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: First, they steal my dates…
[Cut to scenes of previous night. Legolas comes home with a couple of elf babes. Everything is going great until Merry and Pippin show up. The elf babes start drooling over them. They totally eat it up. Legolas sits in background, looking miffed.]
Pippin: I once drank 5 whole mugs of ale without taking a single breath.
Elf Babe #1: Ooh, that’s impressive.
Merry: That’s nothing. I once ate an entire bushel of mushrooms in just 3 minutes.
Elf Babe #2: That’s some appetite.
Merry: Food and ale ain’t the only thing we got a good appetite for.
[Elf babes try to figure out what exactly they mean when…]
Pippin and Merry (in unison): Pipeweed! (They pull out their pipes, light up, and proceed to blow smoke holes.
Elf Babe #1: That’s so neat! Can you show us how to do that?
Pippin: Sure.
[They start showing the elf babes how to blow smoke holes. Legolas finally leaves.]
[Cut back to Legolas in c.r.]: But now, I have to wait in line for the bath too?!
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Ever since the other hobbits, well, Merry and Pippin anyway, Sam pretty much always lived here. But anyway, since they moved in, things have been a little cramped. It’s getting annoying.
[Cut to hallway outside bathroom. Eowyn, Arwen, Legolas and Boromir are lined up outside. Inside, you can hear a LOT of splishing and splashing, and singing.
Cut to inside bathroom. Pippin is orchestrating an elaborate war between his rubber ducky and toy submarine in the style of a really bad off-Broadway musical, resulting in most of the water ending up on the floor.
Someone pounds on the door.]
Legolas: Hurry up Pippin! My hair is starting to curl!
Pippin (running fingers through own curly hair): So what’s wrong with that?
Legolas: Elves aren’t supposed to have curly hair.
Pippin: Do you have a problem with curly-haired persons?
Boromir: Pippin, if you don’t get out now, I’ll batter down this door.
Pippin: All right, all right.
[Cut to outside, where everyone is waiting impatiently. Door finally opens. Pippin comes out, followed by a small flood of bath water.]
Everyone: PIPPIN!
Pippin: What?
Boromir: Look at the mess you made. You need to clean this up.
Pippin: Why?
Arwen (pouty): Because my dress is getting wet.
Pippin: Sorry! I’ll mop it up right now. (Runs downstairs)
[Cut to kitchen. Sam is cooking. Frodo and Merry are sitting back, relaxing.]
Merry: So, cousin, what about this big Council meeting next week?
Frodo (shrugs): Gandalf didn’t really have time to tell me about it.
Merry: And where is the old rascal?
Frodo: I don’t know.
Sam: I wouldn’t worry Mr. Frodo. Gandalf always did show up in his own time.
[Pippin runs into kitchen, frantic.]
Pippin: Hurry! The pretty elf lady’s dress is getting wet. I need a mop!
[They all turn to Sam.]
Sam: Am I the only one here who knows where this stuff is?
Frodo: Yes.
Sam (sighing): Come on, Pippin. I’ll show you where to find it. Someone watch the food.
[They go out the side door.]
Frodo: You watch the food.
Merry: You.
Frodo: You.
Merry: Why me?
Frodo: Because I’m older and I said so.
Merry: Fine. (Gets up and watches food as it starts to burn.)
Frodo: Merry! Stir the food!
Merry: Sam said ‘someone watch the food’ which is precisely what I’m doing.
[Frodo gets up and stirs food. Pippin comes running through kitchen with a mop and frantically heads upstairs. Sam comes in and takes over fixing the food.]
Sam (accusingly): It’s burnt.
Frodo: Just a little.
Merry: I told him to stir faster.
Frodo: You did not!
Merry: See, you never listen to me.
Frodo: Why, you little…little…half-pint.
Merry: That was uncalled for. If you weren’t family, I would have to hurt you.
[Sam sighs and shakes his head.]
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: Merry was obviously lying about Mr. Frodo, in which case, I might have to hurt him. Merry, that is, not Frodo. I could never hurt Frodo.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: Merry’s been like this since we were kids. He was always getting me in trouble with Farmer Maggot when it was really him stealing all the mushrooms. Stupid Merry.
[Couple of days pass. Montage of Merry and Pippin playing hide and seek with Boromir, who doesn’t have much luck finding them and always has to be ‘It’. Legolas goes out and gets more fish for the tank. Eowyn practices throwing kitchen knives at a picture drawing that looks suspiciously like Boromir. Sam goes out for a walk, and comes home with a pony.
Frodo: I’m sorry Sam, but you can’t keep it.
Sam pouts and looks hurt.
Frodo (giving in): Fine, but it has to stay outside.
Arwen goes on shopping spree and comes back with a closet’s worth of dresses. Eowyn refuses to remove her dresses to make room and a cat fight ensues. Boromir has to separate them and somehow winds up getting slapped by both of them.]
[Quiet afternoon. Doorbell rings. Sam runs to open door. An old man dressed in grey is standing there, a pointy hat on his head.]
Sam: Gandalf! Boy, is Mr. Frodo going to be glad to see you.
Gandalf: Samwise Gamgee! Have you been eaves dropping?
Sam (sighing, as if he was sick to death of this): For the last time, no, I haven’t. How many times are you going to ask me that?
Gandalf: Until it’s relevant.
Sam: Whatever.
Gandalf: Where’s Frodo?
Sam: Getting dressed from his bath. He just put on his pants.
[Gandalf gives Sam a strange look.]
Sam: What? … What?
[Gandalf just shakes his head.]
Sam (realizing what he said and turning red): Oh, no! Nononononono! He told me… through the bathroom door, on my way down here.
Gandalf: I don’t need to know the details.
Sam: No, really –
[Just then, Merry, Pippin, Arwen, Eowyn, Legolas, and Boromir come downstairs.]
Merry and Pippin: Gandalf!
Arwen, Legolas and Boromir: Mithrandir!
Eowyn: Greyhame!
[Everyone stops and looks at each other.]
Everyone (to everyone else): You know him? How do you know him?
Gandalf: Hm, well, I didn’t really think this part through, did I?
Boromir: I can see everyone else knowing him, but (turns to hobbits) how do you halflings know him?
Pippin: He’s our fireworks technician. He performs at all our special occasions and birthday parties.
Boromir: Ooh-kay.
Arwen: Gandalf, why don’t you come in and sit down. (Looking hopefully past his shoulder.) And did Aragorn come with you?
Boromir: Does that scrawny little weasel know him too?
[Arwen, Eowyn, Legolas and Gandalf give him cross looks.]
Boromir (turning red): Uh, what I meant was, well…
Frodo (from top of stairs): Gandalf! (Runs down stairs and hugs Gandalf.)
Boromir: Is there anyone you don’t hug?
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: How come he never hugs me?
[Cut back to living room]
Gandalf (ignoring Boromir): Frodo, I must speak with you at once.
Boromir: Speak with him? About what? How to make a bunt cake?
Merry: A butt cake? That’s gross.
Boromir: Bunnn-t cake.
Merry: Oh.
Gandalf (to Frodo): It is a matter of extreme urgency.
Eowyn: Boy, everything is a matter of some extreme importance with you wizards.
Pippin: Oh! Is it about the ring?
Hobbits: Pippin!
Boromir: What ring?
Arwen: You mean the ring Aragorn was trying to help you find?
Boromir: What ring?
Legolas: The ring Gollum once owned? The one that Baggins stole?
Sam: Mr. Frodo never stole nothing!
Legolas (confused): What?
Sam (playing dumb): What?
Boromir: What ring?
Eowyn: The ring Saruman was trying to find for Sauron?
[Everyone turns to look at her.]
Eowyn: I hacked into his p-mail account.
Legolas: You can do that?
Eowyn: Just had to figure out his password – UrukHai.
Boromir: Why would that be his password?
Eowyn: You’re an idiot, you know that?
Boromir: What’s your problem? Can’t I say anything?
Eowyn: No.
[Boromir and Eowyn start fighting. Arwen and Legolas head out the door. The hobbits head into the kitchen. Frodo and Gandalf head to the den.]
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: Gandalf the Grey comes all the way out here to see Frodo about a ring that Sauron wants? And everyone knows about it but me? That’s not fair! I’m getting to the bottom of this.
[Same day. Cut to den. Frodo and Gandalf are there, talking in whispers.
Cut to outside in garden. Boromir is sneaking up to the den window and is just about to reach it when Arwen and Legolas come back. Boromir quickly pretends to be tying his shoelace.
Cut to hallway outside den. Boromir tries to sneak to door to listen, but Merry and Pippin are there having an apple eating contest.
Cut to Legolas and Sam’s room directly above den. Boromir tries to go to room to listen through vent, but Sam is already there.]
Boromir: What are you doing?
Sam (looking guilty): Nothing. Just, um, checking the vent to make sure it works.
Gandalf (voice heard through vent): Samwise Gamgee! Are you eaves dropping?
Sam: No, Mr. Gandalf, sir. (Claps hand over mouth) Oops!
Gandalf: Ha! I knew someday it would be relevant. Now stop eaves dropping before I turn you into something unnatural!
[Sam squeaks in fear and runs from room. Boromir sees his chance and goes to vent.]
Gandalf: That goes for you as well, Boromir, son of Denethor, unless you want to meet an early end.
Boromir (to himself): How did he know?
Gandalf: Because the den leads to the control room and I can see every room in this house.
Boromir: Damn it! (Leaves room, then comes back a couple of seconds later.) Even the girls’ room?
Gandalf: Leave! Or I will smite you down.
Boromir: Ok, ok. (Leaves.)
[Cut to Boromir in c.r.]: I can see this is going to be harder than I thought. I’ll just have to bide my time. Wait for an opening. (Evil glint in eye as he says this)
[That night. Everyone goes out to dinner. The hobbits have to sit in booster seats, causing Legolas and Boromir to tease them. Eowyn spends the night fingering the sharp edge of her knife and eyeing Boromir unpleasantly. Boromir spends the night eyeing Frodo suspiciously. Sam spends the night watching Boromir watching Frodo. Arwen gets Gandalf to tell her everything that Aragorn has been up to, and everyone else spends the dinner completely bored, until Merry and Pippin decide to start sneaking around under other people’s tables. They reach up when the diners aren’t looking, loosen the lids on the salt and pepper shakers, and then move onto the next table. They eventually are found out, and everyone gets kicked out. Gandalf is forced to put about 20 other diner’s orders on his tab. When they get back to the house, he forces Merry and Pippin to clean the house top to bottom and, after 4 weeks of negligent living, the house is really dirty. Merry and Pippin are not pleased.]
[Cut to Legolas in c.r.]: Why is it that Frodo’s guests never seem to leave?
[Cut to the following day. Gandalf is lounging about, surfing on Palantir, ordering everyone around and making Sam cook him special meals because of his lactose intolerance.]
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: I’m starting to see what my uncle was talking about all that time. Gandalf’s the bossiest, busy-body I’ve ever seen.
[Cut to living room. Gandalf has made up a chore chart. Everyone has chores to complete on a daily basis.
Gandalf: And for every completed chore – completed, that is, to my standards – you get a gold star!
No one is very thrilled by this.]
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: Why am I always the one doing the cooking? And I have to dust and mop! Everyone else only gets one chore, but I have to do three? No respect, I tell you, no respect. Well, no, Frodo actually has to mop, but his fingers get all wrinkly, so I offered to do his chore for him. But still….
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: What’s a chore? What’s a window? How do you clean them?
[Next morning. Pippin and Merry sneak up on Gandalf, who’s asleep on the couch. They have a can of Ready-Whip whip cream and a feather.]
Merry (whispering): Ok, spray the whip cream on his hand, and I’ll tickle his nose with the feather.
Pippin (laughing hysterically, but quietly): Ok.
[Pippin sprays some whip cream in Gandalf’s right palm. Merry tickles his nose with the feather. Gandalf groggily reaches up with left hand and rubs nose. Merry motions for Pippin to spray the left hand. Pippin does. Merry tickles Gandalf’s nose again. Gandalf rubs nose against shoulder.]
Merry: What the—
[Just then, Gandalf leaps up and smashes his hands in the hobbits’ faces, getting whip cream all over the place.]
Gandalf (laughing): You have to get up very early in the morning to fool a wizard! Now clean up this mess. And when you’re done with that, you can go outside and rake all the leaves.
Pippin (whining): But there’s leaves everywhere!
Gandalf: Which should keep you both busy a very long time.
[Gandalf heads to bathroom to wash hands, chuckling. Merry and Pippin look at each other, displeased.]
Pippin: I hate you. This was your idea.
Merry: Was not.
Pippin: Was too.
Merry: Not.
Pippin: Too
Merry: Not not not not not not not
Pippin: Too too too too too too too
Merry: Not, infinity.
Pippin: Too, infinity squared.
Merry: There’s no such thing as ‘infinity squared’.
Pippin: Is too.
Merry: No.
Pippin: Yes yes yes yes yes yes
Merry: No no no no no no
Legolas (from upstairs): For the love of Eru, SHUT UP!
Pippin: What’s his problem?
Merry: I don’t know.
Next week on the Lord of the Real World: The season finale
(Hard to believe this thread is still chugging along.)
by Oingo Boingo
Here’s something to think about
Where would we be without nasty hobbits, nasty hobbits
Makes me want to dance and shout
Life would be so grand without nasty hobbits, nasty hobbits
All those naughty little beings that we don’t discuss publicly
Nasty hobbits, nasty hobbits
Answer my riddles, tell me your name, answer my riddles
Does it please you to employ little elves or little dwarves
Nasty hobbits, nasty hobbits
Do you like to steal and wear our ring when we’re away
Without the Ring what do I care
Do you peek at Precious on the chain around your neck
Nasty hobbits, nasty hobbits
Tell me your riddles that no one should hear
Whisper them softly into my ear we won’t tell, we won’t tell
.
.
.
.
Lord of the Real World – Rivendell
Week 5 – The Season Finale!
Intro
Arwen: This is the true story…
Boromir: Of eight strangers…
Sam: Chosen to live together…
Frodo: See what happens….
Eowyn: When they stop being polite…
Legolas: And start being real.
Merry and Pippin (in unison): Welcome to the Real World – Rivendell
Merry: See how much better that worked saying it together. Glad I thought of it.
Pippin: You did not. I did.
Merry: No, it was me.
Pippin: Me.
Merry: Me
Pippin: Me me me me me me me me
Merry: Me me me me me me me me
Legolas: That’s it. I’m getting my bow.
[Cut to Pippin in c.r.]: Why is everyone always getting so mad at me? I don’t do anything wrong.
[Cut to front hallway, at nighttime, just after supper. Doorbell rings. Pippin answers. Aragorn is standing there.]
Pippin: Who are you?
Aragorn: I am a friend of Gandalf’s.
Pippin: Really? Then what’s his middle name?
Aragorn: He doesn’t have one.
Pippin: Are you sure?
Aragorn: Yes.
Pippin: Ok, then what’s his favorite color?
Aragorn: Grey.
Pippin: Yeah, well, everyone knows that. What does he call me when I annoy him?
Aragorn: How would I know that?
Pippin: Well, you say you know the man.
Aragorn: I know him. I don’t know you.
Gandalf (from behind): Fool of a Took! Let Aragorn in.
Pippin: Who’s Aragorn?
Aragorn: I am.
Pippin: Really? Prove it.
Gandalf (raising his staff): As a servant of the Secret Flame… (points staff at Pippin) wielder of the fire of Anor…
Pippin (speaking quickly and backing away from door): Ok, you’re him. Come on in. See ya! (runs away down the hall) Merry! He’s doing it again!
[Cut to Merry in c.r.] (laughing): I told Gandalf to do that. Pippin just gets the cutest scared look on his face!
[Cut back to front hallway. A loud thud is suddenly heard from above, followed by a door slamming and a woman yelping. A few seconds later, Eowyn comes running down the stairs.]
Eowyn (smoothing out her hair): Why, Aragorn, how lovely to see you again. I’m afraid Arwen can’t come down right now. She, um, tripped. Yeah, she tripped, on her dress. But she’s fine.
Aragorn: Maybe I better check on her anyway. (Heads for stairs)
Eowyn (stepping in front of him): No, really, she’s fine.
[Arwen appears at top of stairs, her hair messed up.]
Arwen: That b**** pulled my hair! (Comes downstairs and stands next to Aragorn.)
Eowyn: I did not! (looks at Aragorn) She’s delirious from hardly ever eating. She’s very unhealthy that way, unlike me.
Arwen: Aragorn, are you going to let her get away with that?
Aragorn: Well, I didn’t see what happened.
Arwen: But I’m telling you what happened.
Eowyn: Are you calling me a liar?
Arwen: Yes.
Eowyn: So, first I’m a b**** and now I’m a liar. (to Aragorn) See? Unhealthy.
Boromir (coming into room, smirking): I know what happened.
Eowyn: What?
[Cut to Boromir in the c.r.]: (smirking evilly) I knew it would just be a matter of time before an opportunity presented itself. Just had to bide my time.
[Cut back to front hallway.]
Boromir: I just happened to be in the control room and I saw everything.
[Cut to Eowyn in c.r.]: The little sneak! I hate him!
[Cut back to hallway. Boromir and Eowyn have a face off. Arwen, Aragorn and Gandalf wait.]
Boromir: Eowyn…is right. Arwen’s hair got caught in the door hinge as she was rushing down to see you. She lost her balance, and tripped on her dress.
Arwen: I didn’t trip! Elves don’t trip! And I’m a princess!
Aragorn: Honey, that’s ok. You were flipping your hair as you were walking again, weren’t you? There’s no reason to be embarrassed.
Arwen: But…
Aragorn: Come on, I’ll make you some tea.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: I am NOT clumsy. Eowyn did it and I’m telling Daddy.
[Cut back to hallway. Arwen and Aragorn leave. Gandalf follows them after one final look at Boromir and Eowyn.]
Eowyn: Why did you that?
Boromir: Because now, I own your ass. Very clever, pulling her hair through the door hinge and then slamming the door shut on her. But that kind of behavior could get a girl into trouble.
Eowyn: What do you want?
Boromir: Two things. First, you have to start being nice to me again and admit that you freaked out over nothing. Second, you’re going to tell me everything you know about this ring of Frodo’s.
[Cut to Sam in c.r.]: I knew that Boromir was no good, from day one. And the way he’s been lurking after Mr. Frodo all this last week – he’s lucky he’s still alive, is all I have to say.
[Cut to Frodo in c.r.]: I’m sure it was all just a misunderstanding. Or at least, I hope it was.
[Cut to Arwen in c.r.]: Doesn’t anyone know how to sleep through the night anymore? I’m getting bags under my eyes.
[That night. Everyone’s asleep. Gandalf, and now Aragorn, are crashing on the sofas in the living room.
Cut to Boromir and Frodo’s room. Boromir slowly gets out of bed and starts going through Frodo’s things. Whatever he’s looking for, he doesn’t find it. He stares at Frodo, who’s curled up in a ball, sucking his thumb. Boromir creeps over to Frodo and starts going through his pockets. Frodo wakes up to see a big shadow looming over him and screams.]
Boromir: Shh!
Frodo: Help! Help!
Boromir: Quiet, it’s just me!
Frodo: Help! I’m being raped!
[Hall light turns on and Sam, Pippin and Merry burst through the door. Sam charges at Boromir and knocks him down.]
Sam: Get away from him, you pervert! I’ll kill you, I will. (Pulls out frying pan)
Boromir: Where the hell did that come from?
[Sam starts to raise frying pan, but someone takes it from him. He turns around and sees Aragorn there. Arwen, Legolas, Eowyn and Gandalf are also standing in the doorway now.]
Aragorn: What’s going on in here?
Sam: Boromir tried to rape my master! For that, he must die!
Boromir: Master?
Aragorn: Boromir, is that true?
Boromir: Of course not. I would never do such a thing.
Merry: So what were you doing then?
Boromir: Nothing! There was, um, a, ah, a spider!
Sam (as if that was the lamest excuse he ever heard): A spider?
Boromir: Yes, a spider. A poisonous spider, very, very poisonous, and it was about to sting Frodo. I saved his life.
Sam: Oh, please, like a little tiny spider could really hurt my master.
Boromir: Well, Frodo’s a little tiny himself, ain’t he?
Pippin: Was that some sort of racial slur about our height?
Boromir: No, it – OUCH!
[Boromir is cut off because Pippin kicks him in the leg.]
Boromir: Will you please stop doing that? I saved his life, ok?
Merry: How were you able to see the spider in the dark?
[No one hears him but Boromir, who gives him a harsh look, and Sam, who stares at Boromir even harder. Sam slowly reaches up for his frying pan, but Aragorn lifts it out of his reach.]
Gandalf: Frodo, are you all right?
Frodo: Yes, I’m fine. I was just startled.
Gandalf: I think a change of roommates is in order. Boromir, you should stay with Legolas. Sam, you can stay here to look after Frodo.
Boromir: But I didn’t do anything.
Legolas: Come on, man. We’ll sort it all out in the morning. But right now (yawns) I’m tired and I need my beauty rest. And I think I’m getting a wrinkle.
[Everyone slowly goes back to bed and goes to sleep, except Sam, who sits next to Frodo and watches the door like a hawk for the rest of the night.]
[Next morning. Everyone is eating breakfast. Sam stays next to Frodo’s side, a frying pan at the ready. Boromir manages to stay away from them both, even though it’s very crowded. Gandalf gets everyone’s attention by banging his staff on the floor.]
Gandalf: I think we should call a house meeting.
Merry: How can you call a house meeting? You don’t even live here.
Gandalf: Silence! Something extremely important happened yesterday that we need to talk about. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. (Waits a few seconds to make sure everyone is listening) Good. Now, someone… borrowed my hat without asking and it is now crooked and bent. If the culprit comes clean, your life will be spared.
[Everyone looks around confused.]
Sam: What are you talking about?
[Before Gandalf can answer, a tall elf with dark hair enters.]
Arwen: Daddy!
Legolas: Lord Elrond.
Boromir: Lord? Holy sh**!
Elrond: Yes, Lord, as in Lord of Rivendell. My little girl told me that you spied on her. Thus far, by her wish, I have spared your life, but step out of line one more time and you’ll be dead before you know what hit you.
[Pippin makes scared sound.]
Boromir: What’s wrong with you? He was threatening me.
Pippin: Two death threats. First Sam, and now Lord Elrond. You better hope no one else threatens you. Third time pays for all, as we say in the Shire.
Boromir: Oh, please, I’m way past three at this point.
Elrond: Anyway, I’ve come to see that everyone who has been invited to the Council Meeting tomorrow is prepared and coming.
Legolas (looking ill): I’m ready, but I have a slight problem with Gollum.
Elrond: Save it for the meeting. Gandalf, Aragorn? (They nod.) Good. Mr. Baggins?
Eowyn: Who?
Frodo: I’m ready.
Boromir: I thought your last name was Underhill.
Legolas: So you’re the Baggins Gollum was always muttering about.
Frodo: Actually, that would be my uncle, Bilbo. He’s going to be there right?
Elrond: Yes, he’s there already.
Boromir: Am I invited?
Elrond (giving him an evil look): No, you are not.
Boromir: Is it about the ring? If it’s about the ring, I should be allowed to go.
Eowyn: Why?
Boromir (giving her an evil look): Because, I had a dream about it.
Sam: A dream? Would this have happened sometime last night when you were trying to rape my master?
Boromir: I wasn’t trying to rape your master, I mean, Frodo. And the dream happened a few weeks ago, and it was about the ring. All about the ring.
Merry: But you didn’t even know that there was a ring until last week.
Boromir: I didn’t know that Frodo had the ring. But I knew about the ring.
Arwen: Then why didn’t you mention it before?
Boromir: Like I’m going to tell just anyone about my dream. You all could have been in league with the Dark Lord.
Legolas: Why would you think that?
Boromir: Well, Saruman was.
Pippin: But, what about—
Elrond: Enough!
Pippin: But everyone else got to ask a question. And it’s important.
Elrond: Silence! Very well Boromir, you may come too, but stay away from me.
Sam: And from Mr. Frodo.
[Elrond leaves.]
Boromir: Well, I better go get prepared. (Starts to leave)
Gandalf: Not so fast.
[Boromir stops, expecting trouble.]
Gandalf: My hat? Who did it?
Sam: I think it was Bill.
Eowyn: Who’s Bill?
Pippin: The pony.
Gandalf: And how would a pony gave gotten a hold of my hat?
[Boromir slowly backs out of kitchen while everyone is distracted, turns corner, then runs to the den. He gets on Palantir and Instant Messages his brother.]
Boromir: Quick, Faramir, help! I need a dream.
Faramir: A dream? What do you mean?
Boromir: I’ll explain later, but right now I need a dream.
Faramir: About what?
Boromir: Isildur’s Bane. And a halfling. And he should be bringing it to Gondor. Oh, and make it sound cryptic so they won’t think I made it up.
[Montage. Legolas is in front of mirror, practicing a speech of some sort. He tries it several different ways – serious, dramatic, comical. Boromir is in his room, memorizing some sort of poem scribbled on a piece of paper. Eowyn spies on Arwen and Aragorn, who are making out in the garden. Gandalf starches and irons his hat so it’s extra pointy. The hobbits lounge about in the stable, taking turns combing the pony’s tail and mane. Sam is still staying close to Frodo. In the background, you can see several barn tools at the ready for attack should someone (Boromir) come into the stable unannounced.]
[The next day. The house is eerily quiet. All the guys are getting ready for the big meeting. The girls are sitting back, feeling left out.]
Eowyn (to Arwen): We should be allowed to go too. Or at any rate, I should. You’re kind of ditz. There wouldn’t be any point in you going.
Arwen: Excuse me.
Eowyn: You heard me.
Arwen: You’re just jealous because I have a boyfriend you loves me.
Eowyn: Those would be your hooters he loves, my dear.
Arwen: You don’t know anything.
Eowyn: Bite me.
[Arwen gets up to find Aragorn and see him off.]
[Cut to outside. Boromir and Legolas are standing near the road, waiting for the others.]
Boromir: So, Gollum was supposed to be here too? And I scared him away. Elrond’s really going to hate me now. Pippin’s right. I’m a dead man.
Legolas: Don’t worry. I’ve the perfect cover up story. I’ll just tell them we took Gollum out for a walk and we were ambushed by some orcs and they took him. Wouldn’t be the first time it happened.
Boromir: And that’ll work?
Legolas: Sure, no problem.
Boromir: Thanks, man.
Legolas: Hey, it’s my ass on the line too. And this is too cute an ass to lose.
Boromir: Yeah.
[Legolas gives him a cross look.]
Boromir: No, I mean, I know what you mean, about not wanting to lose, you know.
Legolas: Yeah, sure.
[Aragorn, Gandalf and Frodo come out of the house and join them. They all leave.
A few minutes pass. Sam sneaks out of house and heads down the road.
A few minutes after that, Merry and Pippin head down the road, with the pony trailing along behind them.]
[Next day. Arwen is packing her things. Eowyn enters room.]
Eowyn: Where are you going?
Arwen: All the boys have left on some stupid quest thing, so I’m going home. No way I’m staying here alone with you. (Gathers things and leaves.) B****.
Eowyn: Excuse me.
Arwen: You heard me.
Announcer: Join us next week on the Lord of the Real World – Rivendell as Eowyn searches for 6 new housemates.
Eowyn: Screw this. I’m going home. (Packs up things and leaves.)
Announcer: Um, join us next week as the producers of the Lord of the Real World – Rivendell search for 7 new housemates. Oh, what the hell – the season’s over. Go away.
The End!
:biggrin: Damn skippy.
Loved 'em!
I was going to rip off some pictures, but it turned out too hard, so you are going to have to use your imagination. Picture a cartoon with…
Fat Frodo toiling up the slipes of Mt Doom, toungue hanging out and eyes glazed.
Fat Frodo with a wide grin lobbing the ring overarm into the fire. Gollum catches it bug falls in too.
Fat Frodo legging it out of Sammath Naur, as the top of Mt Doom lets rip. “Whoops!”
Fat Frodo and Sam on the slopes of Mount doom. Clouds of ash and fire. Looks like we are done for, Sam. Mumble mumble. What a bummer." “Wait a moment, Mister Frodo, what’s that, in the sky? It’s…”
Dramatic piccy of Gwahir the Windlord, wings outstretched racing down to rescue Sam and Frodo…
…pop…fizzz…
Last picture - people are setting up a party. Overhead a large banner “HAPPY ELEVENTY_FIRST BIRTHDAY BILBO”. Fat Frodo is sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree, holding a can of beer, and staring blankly at a small bird on the ground. Phineas, behind him, is looking at the ringpull of the can, which he has just fished out of the barbecue with his tongs. Freewheeling Franklin is throwing his hat on the ground in fury and shouting “Alright, Goddammit! Who just ate all twenty-two of the pipeweed samozas we made for the party?”
Did someone say something about a Peter Jackson verse for “And Then I Got High”?
PJ:
I was gonna stay true to Tolkien, but then I got high.
I was gonna not piss off his readers, but then I got high.
Now Haldir died at Helm’s Deep, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high,
Because I got high,
Because I got high.
Actually, I did do one for the “Movie Rejects” that I posted at my usual haunts, SF-Fandom. I guess I can share it here too.
And Then I got High – For the Rejects!
Farmer Maggot:
Was gonna have a much bigger part, until I got high
Was gonna give Frodo some mushrooms, but then I got high
And now I’m just big waving scythe, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Gildor:
Was gonna help out Frodo and Sam, before I got high
Was gonna give them some good advice, but then I got high
And now they gave my line to Gandalf, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Tom Bombadil:
Was gonna annoy the theater audience, but then I got high
Was gonna sing about yellow boots, but I got high
And now I’m nowhere to be seen, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Bill Ferny:
Was gonna be another evil villian, before I got high
Was gonna insult the one called Sam, but then I got high
And now that pony comes from nowhere, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Glorfindel:
Was gonna be a star in the movie, but I was high
Was gonna take Frodo to the Ford, but I was high
And now Arwen’s stolen my role, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Quickbeam:
Was gonna be important in the Entmoot, until I got high
Was gonna entertain the hobbits, but then I got high
Now they don’t even mention my name, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Hama:
Was gonna have a much better death scene, but then I got high
Was gonna fall at the Battle of Hornburg, and then I got high
And now I’ve been eaten by a Warg, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
Shelob:
Was gonna be a dramatic cliffhanger, until I got high
Was gonna scare all the kids in the theater, but then I got high
And now I’m pushed back to Film 3, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
PJ:
Was gonna stay true to the books, but then I got high
Was gonna make the purists happy, but I got high
Now I’ve completely botched up the plot, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
And one I did for movie-version Faramir:
Was gonna be the goody-two shoes good guy, before I got high
Was gonna be best friends with the hobbits, but I got high
And now I’m dragging them through Osgiliath, and I know why (why man?)
Cause I got high
Because I got high
Because I got high
**Cirion: Alright, this thread has gotten way out of hand!
Eorl: In the name of Eru, over 1800 replies!? Over 300,000 views!?
Cirion: Lets get out of here and get drunk.**
Man, what have I started!?
You started something pretty amazing.
As long as we can keep coming up with ideas for great LOTR parodies, this thread will not fall into shadow.
But even if it ever does fall into shadow, we could probably expect it to return later as ‘If LotR Had Been Written By Somone Else the White’.
This is Chapter 2 of my parody ‘Leave It To Frodo’. Remember when Beaver had a crush on his teacher? Here’s my spin on it.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.
SCENE: Frodo’s classroom after the bell has rung and the other students have left. Frodo is nervously hanging around by his teacher’s desk. His teacher is the very beautiful Elf, Miss Arwen. She looks up from her paperwork and smiles at Frodo.
MISS ARWEN Yes, Frodo?
FRODO Uh, Miss Arwen, I was just wondering if, uh, well, if, uh —
MISS ARWEN (smiling gently) Yes?
FRODO W-would you like to come over to my house for dinner this Saturday night? My Uncle Bilbo is a terrific cook. And seeing as how you’re my favorite teacher of all the teachers I’ve ever had, I’d consider it a real honor and pleasure if you’d say yes.
MISS ARWEN Why, Frodo, that’s very sweet of you. I would love to have dinner with you. Thank you for such a gracious invitation.
FRODO Wow! You’re very welcome, Miss Arwen! Could you come over at six o’clock? That’s when we usually have dinner.
MISS ARWEN Certainly, Frodo. I’m looking forward to it.
FRODO So am I, Miss Arwen! Good-night. See you tomorrow in class.
MISS ARWEN Good-night, Frodo.
What Frodo and Miss Arwen do not realize is that Merry and Pippin happened to be outside the doorway and heard the conversation that took place between Miss Arwen and Frodo. They quickly ran off before Frodo saw them.
MERRY Wow! Miss Arwen’s going to have dinner at Frodo’s house!
PIPPIN He’s such a teacher’s pet! What should we do?
MERRY What do you mean?
PIPPIN Oh, come on, Merry. This is too good a chance to pass up. Let’s figure out what we can do this Saturday night at Frodo’s house when Miss Arwen is there. We can’t let Frodo get away with this. Hmpf! Teacher’s pet!
The two of them leave the school and head home while they discuss what they could do.
SCENE: Saturday evening at Frodo’s house. It is almost six o’clock. Frodo is dressed in his finest clothes and is anxious and nervous.
FRODO (knocking on the bathroom door) Aragorn! Are you almost ready? You took a bath and shaved, right? And you washed your hair, too, right? Be sure to put on your good clothes, you hear me?
ARAGORN (coming out of the bathroom) Frodo, don’t be such a dope. What do you take me for? I don’t plan to embarrass you in front of your teacher. I’ll be on my best behavior. See? I’m perfectly groomed. I bathed, shampooed, shaved and now I’m going to put on my best clothes.
FRODO Good. I’m going downstairs to check on Gandalf and Uncle Bilbo. I hope everything is going okay in the kitchen.
ARAGORN Relax, Frodo. Take a few deep breaths. Gee, you’re shaking like a leaf. She’s just your teacher.
FRODO Yeah, well maybe to you she’s just my teacher. But she’s the best teacher I ever had, so I want this evening to go perfectly.
ARAGORN Okay, okay. I’ll do all I can to help make that happen. You go on downstairs while I get dressed. See you in a few minutes.
FRODO Thanks, Aragorn.
SCENE: The living room. The doorbell rings.
FRODO I’ll get it!
He opens the door. It is the beautiful Miss Arwen.
FRODO Good evening, Miss Arwen. Come in.
MISS ARWEN Good evening, Frodo. Thank you. My, you have a lovely home.
FRODO Thank you. Oh, here comes Aragorn. Miss Arwen, this is Aragorn. Aragorn, this is my teacher Miss Arwen. Let me take your coat and hang it up, Miss Arwen.
MISS ARWEN Thank you, Frodo.
While Frodo is hanging up Miss Arwen’s coat in the closet, he does not notice his teacher and Aragorn gazing at each other in amazement. Aragorn is in awe of her beauty, and Miss Arwen is in awe of the rugged good looks of the tall, muscular handsome Ranger.
FRODO Come sit in the living room, Miss Arwen.
He leads his teacher toward the sofa. The living room is immaculate with fresh flowers in a vase adorning the coffee table. Uncle Bilbo had given the house a thorough cleaning earlier that afternoon while dressed in his finest clothes and pearls, and right before preparing a ten course dinner all from scratch in honor of Miss Arwen’s visit.
Gandalf and Uncle Bilbo come out of the kitchen to greet their guest. They spend a few minutes chatting. Soon it is time for dinner.
FRODO Take my arm, Miss Arwen. I’ll escort you to the dining room.
MISS ARWEN My goodness, aren’t you the perfect gentleman, Frodo.
Frodo smiles and she takes his arm.
SCENE: The dining room. Everyone is seated around the table.
Dinner starts out well. The conversation is pleasant. But as the evening progresses, Frodo notices the looks exchanged between Miss Arwen and Aragorn. He also notices that as Aragorn passes the bread to Miss Arwen the two of them briefly touch hands. Frodo notices there is an attraction between his teacher and the Ranger. Frodo feels a heavy lump in his throat. Suddenly he no longer feels hungry.
BILBO Well, who’s ready for dessert? I made strawberry shortcake.
MISS ARWEN That sound delicious, Mr. Baggins. I’d love a piece.
BILBO I’ll be right back with dessert.
FRODO May I please be excused? I don’t feel very well.
GANDALF What’s wrong, Frodo?
FRODO I just need to get some fresh air. I’ll be right back.
Frodo rushes from the table and heads out to the backyard. He sits on the patio furniture and a tear rolls down his adorable Hobbit face. He sobs.
MISS ARWEN Oh, dear. I hope it’s nothing serious.
ARAGORN Maybe I should go out there.
GANDALF No, Aragorn. You stay here. Let’s leave the little fellow to himself for now. Hmmm. Miss Arwen, did you know that when I was a very young lad I once had a tremendous crush on my schoolteacher?
MISS ARWEN Really?
GANDALF Yes. She was the nicest, sweetest, most beautiful teacher I ever had. I never told her about my feelings for her. Lacked the courage, I guess.
MISS ARWEN (pauses and suddenly it dawns on her) Oh, dear. Oh, no. Poor Frodo!
ARAGORN Oh, no. The poor little guy.
MISS ARWEN I must go speak with him. Excuse me, please.
She gets up from the table and goes out to the backyard. She quietly approaches Frodo and sits beside him.
MISS ARWEN Frodo? Are you all right?
She hands him a clean handkerchief.
FRODO (takes the handkerchief and blows into it) Y-yes. Didn’t you want to stay inside for dessert? Uncle Bilbo makes a delicious strawberry shortcake.
MISS ARWEN I’d enjoy it better if you could be there with us to have dessert. Frodo, may I tell you something?
FRODO Sure, Miss Arwen. You can tell me anything you like.
MISS ARWEN You’re one of my very best students I’ve ever had the pleasure of instructing in all my years as a teacher. And you’re also a very fine person. You’re kind, well-mannered, hard-working, and very responsible. I’m very glad I know you.
FRODO Gee whiz, Miss Arwen. You mean it?
MISS ARWEN Yes, I certainly do mean it. If only I’d met you when I was a few years younger, I could really take a fancy to you. But I’m afraid I’ll just have to settle for being your teacher. When you’re all grown up, whoever ends up sharing your life with you will be one very lucky person.
FRODO Wow, Miss Arwen! You sure are swell!
MISS ARWEN Thank you, Frodo. Are you feeling well enough to come inside for some dessert?
FRODO I sure am! Uh, can I give you a hug?
MISS ARWEN I’d love a hug from you, Frodo.
They stand up and hug. She smiles. Then she has a puzzled look on her face. She turns and looks downward.
MISS ARWEN Uh, Frodo?
FRODO Yes, Miss Arwen?
MISS ARWEN You can take your hands off of my bottom now.
FRODO (grins sheepishly) Okay, Miss Arwen.
They go inside the house.
Meanwhile hiding way up in one of the tall trees in the backyard are Merry and Pippin.
MERRY Did you see that?
PIPPIN Sure I did! Did you hear all of that?
MERRY I sure did.
Suddenly they hear a loud cough from above. They look upward and see Legolas frowning at them.
LEGOLAS If you two boys know what’s best for you, you’ll climb down this tree quietly, go home and not make any trouble for Frodo and Miss Arwen. Or you’ll both feel the sharpness of my arrows in your round little bottoms.
MERRY and PIPPIN (nervously) Yes, sir, Legolas. Uh, 'bye now. Gotta go.
They run home.
SCENE: The bedroom that Frodo and Aragorn share. Gandalf and Bilbo have wished them a good-night and closed the door.
FRODO (sleepily) Good-night, Aragorn.
ARAGORN Good-night, Frodo. Oh, I have to use the bathroom. I’ll keep it quiet so as not to disturb you.
FRODO Thanks, Aragorn. Zzzzzzzzz.
Aragorn enters the bathroom to use the facilities. He finishes and then washes his hands. He hears a soft tap on the bathroom window. He opens it and sees the face of a beautiful blond Elf.
ARAGORN Legolas? What are you doing here?
LEGOLAS Do you think I’m blind? When are you planning to toss me aside for Frodo’s teacher? Were you even going to tell me, or do you plan to juggle the both of us?
ARAGORN Shhhhhh! This is not a good time! You’ll have to leave.
LEGOLAS Fine. But we WILL have this conversation, my little Ranger.
The Elf silently and quickly disappears.
Aragorn sighs.
THE END
Don’t remember seeing a reference to these.
Scroll down to bottom of page to find Tolkien.
Book-A-Minute
Also, for those of you who are interested, I’ve started posting my Lord of the Real World skit at SF-Fandom, where I can actually edit my posts. I’ve also gone back and added stuff I either forgot earlier or thought of later on. The Extended Edition, if you will. Click me.
This is Chapter 3 of my parody ‘Leave It To Frodo’.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.
SCENE: Miss Arwen’s classroom at the end of the school day. The students have left. She is alone grading papers. There is a knock on the door, then it opens. Miss Arwen looks up and is surprised to see Aragorn.
MISS ARWEN Oh! Aragorn. What brings you here?
ARAGORN I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d walk Frodo home from school. I guess I must have missed him.
MISS ARWEN Yes. Class was dismissed fifteen minutes ago.
ARAGORN Oh. I see. Uh, how are you, Miss Arwen?
MISS ARWEN Fine, thank you. And you?
ARAGORN Couldn’t be better.
He smiles and closes the door, then walks slowly toward her.
ARAGORN Is there anything I can help you with? Wash the blackboard? Clap erasers?
Miss Arwen smiles.
MISS ARWEN No, thank you, Aragorn. I’m almost finished here grading these papers. I’ll be leaving soon.
Aragorn sits on the edge of her desk and smiles at her.
ARAGORN We enjoyed having you over for dinner last weekend. Bilbo and Gandalf could not stop raving about you and how much they enjoyed your company.
MISS ARWEN That’s very nice to hear.
ARAGORN I noticed Principal Elrond escorting two of Frodo’s classmates into his office when I was walking down the hall on my way here. Merry and Pippin. How are they doing in your class?
MISS ARWEN Fairly well. But I had to send them to see Principal Elrond because they’re having trouble paying attention in my class.
ARAGORN I find that hard to believe. If I had a teacher like you, I would not be able to take my eyes off of you or stop listening to each and every word that comes from your lips. (slowly) Your soft . . . luscious . . . beautiful . . . lips.
Aragorn moves toward Miss Arwen. He gently cups her face in his hands. He leans forward and kisses her. She does not resist.
He releases her. There is an embarrassed silence between them. She feels flustered. They are both breathing hard.
MISS ARWEN I’d better leave now.
She quickly gathers together the papers on her desk and places them inside her briefcase. He places his hands over hers and stops her.
ARAGORN (softly) I’d really like to see you sometime soon, but not in school.
MISS ARWEN Perhaps that’s not such a good idea. What if Frodo were to see us together? A schoolboy’s crush can be very powerful, and I don’t want to hurt him.
ARAGORN I care about Frodo, too. But we can’t deny how we feel about each other. At least, I know I can’t.
MISS ARWEN You’re very sure of yourself, Ranger. How do you know how I feel about you? That is, if I even have any feelings for you?
Aragorn stares at her, then chuckles.
ARAGORN I see. You’re going to play hard to get. Fine.
He turns and saunters toward the door, opens it, then turns to face her.
ARAGORN Good night, Miss Arwen.
He leaves and closes the door behind him.
She stares at the closed door.
MISS ARWEN Damn that Ranger!
She sits down in her chair, lowers her head on the desk and pouts to herself.
SCENE: The front stoop of Frodo’s home. Frodo is sitting there tossing and catching a baseball. He sees Aragorn approaching.
FRODO Hi, Aragorn. How was your day?
ARAGORN Good. And yours?
FRODO I had a good day, too. Can’t complain when I have Miss Arwen for a teacher. She’s swell!
ARAGORN Yeah. Swell. I’m going inside. Are you coming in or staying out here?
FRODO I guess I’ll come inside. Uncle Bilbo might have dinner ready soon.
ARAGORN Why don’t you make yourself useful by washing your hands and setting the table? I’ll see you in a few minutes.
FRODO Okay.
Aragorn heads upstairs to their bedroom. He enters, closes the door and suddenly feels himself pushed facedown onto his bed. A body covers his. He looks at the slender hands and wrists that are pinning down his hands.
ARAGORN Legolas, what are you doing in my room?
LEGOLAS Waiting for you. You certainly took a long time getting home. School let out over an hour ago. Where were you?
ARAGORN You’re so smart. Why don’t you figure it out?
LEGOLAS Do you really think it’s a good idea to get involved with Frodo’s teacher?
ARAGORN It’s really none of your business.
LEGOLAS Oh, I think it is. (sniffs) You smell of flowery perfume. You were with her. Don’t deny it.
ARAGORN Legolas, we need to talk.
LEGOLAS I totally agree. But not here. Not now.
ARAGORN All right. Where? When?
LEGOLAS I’ll let you know. I have to go now. But you think over what you are risking by getting involved with Miss Arwen. Think very carefully.
Within seconds, Legolas disappears silently out the window.
Aragorn looks outside. Legolas is nowhere in sight.
ARAGORN (thinking to himself) How does he do that?
TO BE CONTINUED
This is chapter 4 of Leave It To Frodo.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.
SCENE: The school athletic field of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli are practicing with their weapons. Suddenly Aragorn notices a young attractive woman walking along the edge of the field and wielding a sword. She swings it back and forth with smooth precise movements.
ARAGORN Who is that?
LEGOLAS She must be the new physical education instructor for the girls.
GIMLI She appears to know how to handle a sword.
BOROMIR Wow! What a babe! Hmm. Maybe I’ll give her a thrill and give her a taste of the famous Boromir charm that all the luscious ladies go for.
ARAGORN I’ll go introduce myself. After all, I am team captain of the Rangers. Swords are my specialty.
BOROMIR Aragorn, why do you always get to be the captain?
ARAGORN (ignoring Boromir) Wait here, guys. I won’t be long.
He walks over to the woman swinging the sword. She does not see him approaching. She swings her sword and would have struck Aragorn had he not stopped her with his own sword with his expert swing. Their eyes lock in a mesmerized gaze.
ARAGORN Not bad for a girl. I am Aragorn, the team captain of the Rangers.
EOWYN I’m a woman, not a girl. I am the girls’ new physical education instructor. You may address me as Miss Eowyn. And I don’t think I care for your patronizing attitude. ‘Not bad for a girl.’ From what cave did you just crawl?
ARAGORN My apologies. I’m not used to seeing a sword being wielded so well from a member of the fairer sex.
EOWYN Well, get used to it, buddy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to practice my movements.
ARAGORN May I offer a few pointers? Just my way of showing good will to make up for any transgression I may have inadvertently committed.
EOWNY (pauses as she looks him up and down) Very well. But I doubt you can teach me something about swords that I don’t already know.
Meanwhile Principal Elrond and his daughter Miss Arwen are leaving the school building. They are taking a short cut to the parking lot by cutting across the athletic field. Miss Arwen stops dead in her tracks when she sees Aragorn and Eowyn. He is standing closely behind Eowyn with his arms wrapped around her. His hands are guiding her hands as he shows her how to swing the sword. Miss Arwen can see their faces close together, so close that it would be very easy for Aragorn to steal a kiss from Eowyn.
MISS ARWEN Daddy, who is that woman over there with the Ranger?
PRINCIPAL ELROND Oh, that’s right. You have not yet met the school’s new physical education instructor for the girls. Come along. I’ll introduce you to her.
TO BE CONTINUED