If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

Cafe Society
,
1842

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings

SCENE: The school athletic field of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Principal Elrond and his daughter Miss Arwen approach Aragorn and Eowyn. The Ranger notices the pair approaching. He releases Eowyn from his embrace, much to Eowyn’s disappointment. She was enjoying the feel of the Ranger’s body warmth and the tempered steel-like muscles holding her closely.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Miss Eowyn, I’d like you to meet my daughter Arwen. She teaches the younger students, mostly Hobbits.

EOWYN How do you do?

MISS ARWEN Very well, thank you. And you?

EOWYN Just great. I really think I’m going to like it here.

Miss Arwen notices Eowyn smiling at Aragorn as she says this. Aragorn smiles back at Eowyn.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Miss Eowyn transferred here from Rohan. Their loss is our gain, I trust.

EOWYN Thank you, Principal Elrond.

She did not tell them that the main reason she transferred over was to get away from the creepy leers of Grima Wormtongue, the Counselor at the Rohan School. Her father Principal Theoden valued the advice Wormtongue gave him, even though Eowyn thought most of what Wormtongue told him was horse doo-doo.

EOWYN (thinking to herself) Maybe after I get to know these people better, I’ll them why I really left Rohan. But it’s too soon right now.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Well, we must be going now. See you in school tomorrow.

EOWYN Good night.

ARAGORN Good night, Principal Elrond. Good night, Miss Arwen.

MISS ARWEN Good night, all.

As Miss Arwen and her father walk toward their car, she glances back and sees Aragorn and Eowyn deep in conversation. Principal Elrond glances back and frowns slightly at the pair standing closely together as they laugh and talk.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Hmmm. Tomorrow I will have to issue a memorandum to the faculty about a new rule that will go into effect immediately.

MISS ARWEN New rule? What do you mean, Daddy?

PRINCIPAL ELROND No fraternizing between faculty members and students. We don’t currently have a policy about that because the subject never came up. But now I think it’s time I put one in place.

MISS ARWEN Oh.

Later that night Miss Arwen lay in her bed. She thinks about the new rule her father would be putting into effect about no fraternizing between faculty members and students.

MISS ARWEN (thinking to herself) What would Daddy have done if he had walked in on Aragorn and me in my classroom when we were kissing? Oh,dear.

She drifts off to sleep and dreams of being back in the classroom and reliving the moment when Aragorn spoke of her soft luscious lips right before he kissed her. But her dream does not end there. Arwen smiles like a cat who finished the last of the cream as she dreams that Aragorn swept all the papers from the top of her desk, then lifted her up, placed her on top of the desk, then made love to her right there in the classroom.

She moans in her sleep as she dreams of being held closely by the Ranger, his kisses running up and down her body.

The next morning Miss Arwen awakens happy. Then she feels sad when it dawns on her that it was only a dream.

TO BE CONTINUED

1843

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The following day at School of Mayfield, Middle Earth. The teachers are checking their mailboxes. Each teacher is given two copies of Principal Elrond’s new rule about no fraternizing between faculty members and students. They are to keep one copy and sign and return the other copy to indicate they have read it and will abide by the rule.

Miss Arwen is reading her copy of the rule. She glances up and sees Miss Ewoyn reading the new rule. Miss Arwen studies the face of the girls’ physical education instructor to see her reaction.

Miss Ewoyn frowns. She puts her paperwork in her tote bag and heads for the PE Department.

Miss Arwen looks at the clock. It is almost time for class to begin. She heads for her classroom.

Miss Ewoyn sees Aragorn and Legolas headed for the athletic field. Aragorn sees her and waves. She waves back and motions for him to wait for her.

ARAGORN Go on ahead, Legolas. I’ll catch up in a few minutes.

LEGOLAS Don’t be late.

The Elf walks out the door that leads to the athletic field.

MISS EWOYN Good morning, Aragorn.

ARAGORN Good morning, Miss Ewoyn.

She shows him her copy of the new rule. He reads it, then he hands it back to her.

ARAGORN Interesting.

MISS EWOYN Tell me, Aragorn. When will you be graduating?

ARAGORN If I pass all of my classes, I should receive my diploma and be out of here in June.

MISS EWOYN That’s only three months away. After that this rule won’t apply to us.

ARAGORN Us? There’s an ‘us’?

MISS EWOYN (frowns at him) Hmm. Do you always flirt with females and not mean anything by it? It’s not nice to lead a woman on like that.

ARAGORN Miss Ewoyn, you have my most sincere apology if I have in any way led you to believe my intentions toward you were of a romantic or suggestive nature. I was merely being friendly and welcoming you to our school yesterday.

MISS EWOYN (coldly) I see. Well, I have a class to teach. Good day, Ranger.

She walks away and does not look back.

Aragorn watches her. He turns and goes to meet Legolas and the others out on the athletic field for the battle practice session.

He thinks about Ewoyn. He does find her attractive, but he does not want to pursue a relationship with her. His heart belongs to someone else, only he did not fully realize it until last night while he lay awake in his bed pondering his life and those whose lives had touched his.

ARAGORN (thinking to himself) Tonight is when I will make my true feelings clear to the one with whom I really want to be.

TO BE CONTINUED

1844

Am I the only one finding these Leave It to Beaver parodies vaguely disturbing?

:slight_smile:

1845

No, you’re not. In fact, they’re almost Very, Vaguely Creepy.

:eek:

1846

Oh, please. Can’t we be nice here?

I like the Leave It To Frodo chapters. I find them well written, funny and entertaining.

There are LOTS of parodies in this thread. I’ve read most of them. Some I like, some I don’t. But I certainly would never post a comment here saying I didn’t care for it because that would be rude and it might hurt the feelings of the writer of that parody. We’re here to have a good time and share our creativity for our love of LOTR.

If you don’t like the Leave It To Frodo chapters, then please don’t read them.

By the way, you don’t say why you find them disturbing, Amy.

And Arden Ranger, why do you find them creepy? Is it the slight slash element? If so, hey, there’s a whole thread in the pit about that.

Maybe you could demand Jeanster give you your money back. Oh, wait. She didn’t charge you anything for it. Everything here is posted for free for your enjoyment.

Chill out, okay?

1847

Here’s the pit thread I was referring to, regarding the discussion of slash:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=168362

1848

Wow. Not the reaction I was expecting. But I have learned that in the world of fanfic and parodies you can’t please everybody.

It’s also posted here:

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1256818

So far it’s received ten signed reviews. Only one was negative and that was only because the reviewer detests slash.

Not everyone likes slash. I can accept that.

I just thought some of you good people might enjoy it. Tell you what. I have the utmost respect for the moderator of this thread. If Eutychus doesn’t want me adding anymore chapters of it here, I’ll go along with whatever he says on that. No hard feelings. I’m cool with that.

But the link above will enable those of you who DO like this story to view it and any future chapters.

Love to all,
Jeanster

1849

Just wanted to add this:

Still says ‘fighting ignorance since 1973’. I hope that includes the ignorance of homophobia.

http://www.straightdope.com/

1850

I’m enjoying Jeanster’s “Leave It To Beaver” parodies, and hope she keeps posting them. I especially enjoy them because I missed the original, and this is a really twisted way to get a feel for them. :wink:

This thread would not be complete without a mention of Pat Murphy’s [url=http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?tag=managingwhole-20%26creative=D2TTN0EMD956TC%26camp=2025%26link_code=sp1%26path=ASIN/0812541723]There and Back Again, which rewrites The Hobbit as space opera. Reasonably good, and the parallels with the original entertained me.

1851

Moderator, please delete my previous post. I’ll try again:

I’m enjoying Jeanster’s “Leave It To Beaver” parodies, and hope she keeps posting them. I especially enjoy them because I missed the original, and this is a really twisted way to get a feel for them. :wink:

This thread would not be complete without a mention of Pat Murphy’s There and Back Again, which rewrites The Hobbit as space opera. Reasonably good, and the parallels with the original entertained me.

1852

I never said jeanster shouldn’t/couldn’t post the Leave it to Beaver parodies; I said I found them vaguely disturbing. Here’s why.

I don’t recall that the either (a) the Beaver’s older brother or (b) Aragorn ever having any sort of homoerotic relationship with (a) his admittedly annoying best friend or (b) Legolas. Am I wrong?

Also, while June Cleaver certainly did the housework dressed up and wearing pearls, putting Uncle Bilbo in that role and continuing to have him dress up and wear pearls gives these Leave it to Beaver parodies a weirdly creepy cross-over feel with a homoerotic My Three Sons on acid.

As I recall Leave it to Beaver, it was a wholesome family show, and these parodies give it a faintly nasty twist - that I find vaguely disturbing.

That’s just my opinion; my original post on this topic was intended to ask if anyone else felt the same way, or if I was entirely off base. Arden Ranger’s post confirms that I’m not.

1853

Thank you, Smaug Philter. It’s nice to get positive feedback on this. And, FairyDust, I’ll dedicate my next chapter to you.

1854

I added a few things to these parodies for the element of surprise, such as Frodo losing his temper with Sam after he fell into the giant coffee cup. In the original episodes, Beaver would never yell at Sam, even though there was many a time when I felt he should have. So my having Frodo chew out Sam was my way of giving the reader an unexpected jolt for a laugh.

The slash element was because I happen to enjoy slash. Sorry if you find it vaguely disturbing, Amy. Sorry if you find it vaguely creepy, Arden Ranger. But fortunately, not all of my readers don’t find it to be disturbing or creepy.

Like I said before, you can’t please everybody. I’m sorry you two did not enjoy these chapters as much as FairyDust and Smaug Philter do.

1855

Correction: I meant in the original episodes, Beaver would never yell at LARRY. (I haven’t had my coffee yet. I’ll go do that now.)

1856

Good Lord. I just found out about this thread. This is wonderful! I didn’t think I was the only one doing this sort of thing by any stretch, but… yowzah.

I have two to contribute. Here’s the first one – Barenaked Ladies:

It’s the… one ring that’ll rule them all,
One ring that’s going to bind them,
One ring that’ll bring them all,
And in the darkness you know it’ll bind ‘em
Three rings for the elven kings,
Seven for the dwarves, and nine for the humans,
Mister Frodo will drop the One
Into the Crack of Doom, Sauron’ll be fumin’.

Hold it now, and watch the gold wink,
You’ll need a chain link, I think you’d better not put it on,
It summons Nazguls so fast
Although you try and watch your
Ask too many questions, they get hold of you and you’re gone.

Hot like the little Hobbit Frodo,
Get on the road, go,
Because he’s all about to rule you.

Here come the Black Riders,
They’re fighting Strider,
He’ll be Returning 'fore it’s all through.

Gonna rest a spell at Rivendell while Elrond sells you on a
Fellowship and tells you that’s the safest way for ya,
But you saw the snow and then you know the vertigo would make you
Go into the Misty Mountains, through the Mines of Moria.

How can I help it if I think you’re funny when you’re droll?
Try to fight orcs, but they’ve got a cave troll,
I’m the kinda guy who stands up to Balrogs,
Can’t understand, this is just the prologue,
I have a tendency to wear the Ring around my neck,
I have a history of loosening my tie –

It’s the… one ring that’ll rule the world,
Unless into the Crack of Doom it gets hurled,
One ring served by Saruman,
Creating an army of Uruk-hai’s his master plan.
Three rings that the good guys need,
But even Gandalf and Galadriel are greedy,
Yesterday, here in Barar-Dur
Frodo looked pretty dead, so Sam is Ringbearer.

Trickesy Treebeard is Ent-erprisin’,
Merry and Pippin take a drink, start risin’,
Watching out 'cause Gollum’s got his lights on,
We’re down in Rohan,
Where everybody’s on a horse and blonde.

Like Faramir 'cause he’s a knight, sir,
Gandalf is white, sir,
Sauron is coming, send a Shadowfax.

Denethor don’t wanna hear it,
But Minas Tirith
Will be Grond beneath the new attacks.

Eowyn’ll stand against the Mouth,
And Sam and Frodo in the South
Are near the mountain, hope that Gollum doesn’t follow,
Inside of Barar-Dur a spider bride, she tried her best to
Boom She-lob-a-lob-a them but it was Sting she swallowed.

How can I help but put on this Precious golden band?
Tried to fight Gollum, he bit off my hand,
I’m the kinda guy who had to bear the One Ring,
Glad Sam is here at the end of all things,
I have a tendency to be rescued by Gandalf,
I have a history, it’s in this Red Book –

It’s been… one year since Weathertop,
Can’t believe all that started then has finally stopped.
One month since King Aragorn
Married the Evenstar, but Gimli loves the Morn.
One week since we started home,
Bilbo told Frodo to finish up his tome,
Yesterday, we killed Saruman,
And now we’ll get back and work and regrow the Shire.

Get back and work and regrow the Shire.
Frodo went West on a boat, not a pyre.
Hey, what’s this golden ring in the fire?

1857

… and the other one, from our hope-to-God-eventually-to-be-recorded ensemble comedy album, WTMI:

(Fantasy music – strings, flute, a dark undertone of brass.)

ANNOUNCER
An epic adventure sixty years in the making. Excitement as you’ve never seen it before. He was lied to. Kidnapped. Left for dead. All alone in a dangerous world.

(Music swells to a sudden stop)

BUGS
Of course you know THIS means war.

FOGHORN (singing)
Oh, the Road goes ever, ever on, doo-dah, doo-dah…
The road –

ANNOUNCER (v.o.)
Warner Bros. LORD OF THE RINGS!

FOGHORN
– goes ever, ever on, ohhh, doo-dah day!

ANNOUNCER
With all your favorites! Gandalf!

FOGHORN
BIL- I say, BILBO, boy! Pay attention when I’m talkin’ to ya, son.

ANNOUNCER
Gollum!

DAFFY
Yooooou’re deth-PIC-able, my Prethiouth.

ANNOUNCER
Boromir!

YOSEMITE SAM
GREAT HORNY TOADS! Th’ RING!

ANNOUNCER
Strider, the Returning King!

PORKY
A-all right, everybody. The fate of m-Mi-m-Mi-m-Mi, the fate of m-Mi-m-Mi- oh, get out there and kick Orcish butt!

ANNOUNCER
Merry and Pippin!

TOSH
After YOU, my dear Meriodoc.

MAC
Oh, no, after YOU, my dear Peregrine.

TOSH
I couldn’t possibly. After you.

MAC
I wouldn’t think of it. After YOU…

ANNOUNCER
The evil of Saruman!

WILE E.
… Wile E. Saruman, Master of the One Ring. I like the way that rolls out!

ANNOUNCER
The Mouth of Sauron!

MARVIN
We’re going to conquer Middle-Earth! Isn’t that lovely? Mmmm?

ANNOUNCER
The dreaded Tasmanian Balrog!

(Taz sound effects. “BULYA BLEARGH BWU-BWU-BWUEEAH…”)

FOGHORN (exasperated)
Ya got – I say, ya got me shakin’ in my boots, boy. Listen, why don’t you just hold my anvil, heah, ovah by this cliff, so’s I can tremble proper-like?

TAZ
… uhhhh… Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

(Orchestra hit, long whistling plummet, impact)

FOGHORN
Nice boy, but he’s sharp as a bowling ball. Onward!

(oboe, “uh-oh”)

TAZ
Why for you bury me in the cold cold ground?

FOGHORN
A-hah, a-heh-heh, a-haha, a-her, oooooooog…

ANNOUNCER
And the unspeakable Dark Lord himself…

HENERY HAWK
Okay. I’m Sauron. Are you gonna give me The One Ring quietly, or do I haveta muss ya up?

ANNOUNCER
Plus many, many more!

TWEETY
Bad ol’ puddy Elf!

SYLVESTER
Why, you little Dwarvish entree!

YOSEMITE SAM
Wobbits is sooooo stupid.

([BEEP BEEP] *------------)

FOGHORN: WHOA, SHADOWFAX! WHOOAH! I SAY, WHOAH!! AW-HAW-HAW-HAW, C’MON, WHOA!

ELMER
Gweetings! Wewcome to Wivendeww. I am Ew-wond Fudd. Hahahahaha!

ANNOUNCER
All the magic! All the adventure! Warner Bros.’ LORD OF THE RINGS! Coming soon to a theatre near you. If we can just get it out the door.

TOSH
Nonsense! You went first last time!

MAC
I never did!

TOSH
It’s very gracious of you to offer, but I insist.

MAC
I insist just as much.

TOSH
I can insist more than you can.

MAC
You probably can, but nevertheless I insist.

BUGS (v.o. the next-to-last two lines)
Ohhh, bruddah.

(bomp-bom-ba-BOMP!…………boomp.)

1858

Welcome, filkertom! I hope you enjoy your visits here to this thread. It’s amazing how it’s grown, huh?

Thanks for sharing your parodies. I enjoyed them.

Amy, I just wanted to add that I have enjoyed reading your LOTR parodies here very much. In fact, your witty style is one of the main things that draw me back here time and time again. I look forward to reading your future LOTR parodies.

1859

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.
SCENE: That afternoon in the Public Library of Mayfield, Middle Earth. Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli are having a study session to work on their term papers that will count toward a big part of their grades. Since they all want to graduate together without any of them being left back, they are working hard to do well on this assignment.

In the other end of the library we see a large hulking Uruk-Hai from the Isengard School. He is Lurtz. He, too, is working on his term paper, for it would be most embarrassing for an Uruk-Hai of his stature to have to repeat a school year. He plans to graduate in June.

BOROMIR I’m going to get a drink of water. Be right back.

The Son of Gondor walks down the hall toward the drinking fountain. Coming around the corner is Lurtz. They accidentally collide and knock each other down. Lurtz spills his papers and books.

LURTZ (growls menacing at Boromir)

BOROMIR Geez, Louise! Why don’t you watch where you’re –

He stops in mid-sentence when he sees Lurtz.

BOROMIR Uh, I mean, terribly sorry about that, Lurtz! I should have been looking where I was going, clumsy me!

Lurtz moves closer toward Boromir until his face is only four inches from Boromir’s face. He gives a long drawn out growl. Boromir is trying not to show his fear.

Suddenly Lurtz looks up, quickly gathers his books and papers and sits down at a table and appears to be deeply engrossed in reading a library book.

Boromir is puzzled by the sudden change in Lurtz’s behavior. He turns and notices Miss Buckram, the librarian. She is peering over her spectacles at Lurtz and Bormir. When she is certain that there will be no fighting in the library between those two, she returns to checking in a stack of returned library books.

Boromir sighs in relief. He knows from past experience that no one who values his or her own life would dare to break any of the library rules when Miss Buckram was around.

LURTZ (thinking to himself as he stares at Boromir walking away) Just you wait, Son of Gondor! We will meet again at the play-offs! I will have a special arrow with your name on it. Hmm. Think I’ll add two more, just for good measure.

Boromir quickly joins Aragorn and the others at their table.

BOROMIR (whispering) Guess who’s also here in the library?

ARAGORN Who?

BOROMIR The colossal hulk of the Isengard School!

ARAGORN Lurtz?

BOROMIR None other! I think just now I managed to get on his Open Up A Can of Whoop Ass List when I accidentally bumped into him.

ARAGORN I’d hate to be in your shoes, my friend.

Aragorn is having a little trouble concentrating on his studies, as he is also rehearsing in his mind how to tell the love of his life of his true feelings. He plans to do so tonight after dinner.

TO BE CONTINUED

1860

If Lord of the Rings were made into breakfast cereal:
Hobbitties: shapes of pipes and mugs (“it comes in pints?”), only sold in bulk.

Steward-O’s (for the Steward of Gondor and his family): cereal rings and marshmallow palantirs; when you pour milk on it, will spread despair.

Dwarf Chex: short, square, probably healthy but not much to look at.

Wraith Nuts: Neither dead nor alive, but they can be hot or cold. (you know, Grape Nuts, they don’t taste like grapes and they don’t taste like nuts . . . never mind)

Elf Loops: They’re fruity, they’re pretty to look at, and they last forever.

Rangies: The breakfast of future kings.

Frod-O’s: One Ring shaped pieces. Full of vitamins and minerals and angst.

Gandalf Krispies: instead of them turning milk colors, milk turns them white.

Raisin Elf Bran: Two scoops of fruit.

Total: One Ring, 100% Evil.

Gollum I see as more of a waffle person–“Leggo my Preciousss!”

1861

:smiley:

Now I’m hungry! Get me my Jethro Bodine cereal bowl and I’ll have a little of each of the above! Heehee!