If LotR Had Been Written By Someone Else!?

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: The following weekend. Frodo is earning money by pulling weeds in Lady Galadriel’s garden. She emerges from the back door of her house. Frodo looks up and sees her carrying a pitcher. She walks over toward the birdbath and empties the pitcher of water into the birdbath. She speaks to Frodo.

GALADRIEL Will you look into the mirror?

FRODO (thinking to himself) Mirror? It’s a birdbath. What is she? Crackers? Oh, well. Better humor her since she’s paying me to do this weeding.

He smiles and nods.

FRODO What will I see?

GALADRIEL What was. What is. What will be.

Frodo gazes into the water. He sees Miss Aragorn alone in her classroom. She is grading papers. The door opens and in walks Aragorn.

Frodo watches what transpires between the Ranger and his teacher. His heart shatters and tears well up in his eyes, then roll down his adorable Hobbit face.

Then he sees the gynnasium getting trashed with toilet paper and paint. Frodo is shocked when he sees who is doing it.

Frodo falls backward. He does not wish to see anymore that the mirror can reveal.

GALADRIEL I know what it was you saw, for that is also in my mind.

FRODO How could she? And how could he? He knows how I feel about her!

GALADRIEL You are in pain, little one. But do not despair. Time will be your friend, as it heals wounds such as the one you feel now.

FRODO I have to leave. I must see Aragorn.

GALADRIEL What will you tell him?

FRODO I’m not sure yet. I’ll have to think carefully first.

GALADRIEL A wise decision. Do not rush to speak in anger. He does care about you.

FRODO Yes, he does. He’s always looked out for me. I’ll see you next week, Lady Galadriel.

He leaves her backyard and heads home.

SCENE: The Soda Shop. A popular hangout of the students. Boromir is speaking with a group of his classmates.

BOROMIR Now the only way this is going to work is if we ALL cooperate. Can I count on your votes?

TEEN BOY You bet, Boromir. I think it’s a great plan.

TEEN GIRL Count me in, too.

BOROMIR Great! Well, that’s the last of it. Come the night of the Senior Prom, we will all see the plan of a genius, yours truly, come together! And it will be a beautiful sight, believe you me!

SCENE: Frodo’s home. He goes upstairs to the room he shares with the Ranger. He sees Aragorn reading a book. Frodo pauses. He still has not formed the right words in his mind to tell Aragorn he knows about the kiss that took place between him and Miss Arwen. Then he wonders if it would be better to say nothing. Who was he, a mere Hobbit, to stand in the way of their desire to be together?

ARAGORN Hello, Frodo. Back so soon from weeding Lady Galadriel’s garden?

FRODO Uh, yeah. I’ll go back there next week. I’m going to wash up for dinner. See ya.

ARAGORN Okay.

He smiles at Frodo, then goes back to reading his book.

SCENE: The home of Principal Elrond and Miss Arwen. Miss Arwen is doing needlepoint and thinking quietly to herself. She wonders if her father suspects anything about that night the gymnasium was trashed. She thinks back to that night and how she had very carefully made sure not to get any paint on herself when she painted the words on the wall and strewn toilet paper all over the gym. Her plan was to make Aragorn think she was in danger so that he would rush over to rescue her, then his feelings for her would surface again and she would again experience the joy of being held in his strong muscular arms and then he would kiss her. She didn’t care about her father’s rule about no fraternizing between faculty members and students. She yearns for Aragorn and is willing to defy her father. But her plan failed.

SCENE: Back at Frodo’s home. Frodo is thinking to himself as he washes his hands. That night when they had rushed over to the school they had not seen any Orcs who supposedly had trashed the gym and were supposedly trying to get at Miss Arwen who had barricaded herself in her father’s office. Lady Galadriel’s mirror had revealed to him what had really happened that night. But he does not understand why his teacher did all that. And what of the Cave Troll? Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir and Gimli killed the Orcs’s mascot to get back at them for something they did not do. Frodo feels extremely guilty about that.

TO BE CONTINUED

[Note from the author: If you don’t care for slash, then please don’t read this post. This is the chapter that wraps up this story of Leave It To Frodo.]

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Leave It To Beaver and/or The Lord of the Rings.

SCENE: Weeks later. Senior Prom Night. The gymnasium is beautifully decorated. Everyone is dressed in formal wear. Music plays and everyone dances. Gandalf, Bilbo, Principal Elrond, Miss Arwen, Miss Eowyn and a few other faculty members are there as chaperones. Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin are there, too. They are working at the refreshment stand.

Aragorn steps up to the podium. He turns on the microphone.

ARAGORN Attention, everyone. I’d like to make an announcement, please.

Everyone hushes and turns to face Aragorn.

ARAGORN We’ve come a long way over the past few years to finally make it here to this very special night. I just want to say what I’m sure many of you are thinking. We’re very sad that my best friend Boromir could not be here with us. If he can hear and see us know, I know he’d want us to remember the good times we shared with him and to celebrate those moments with joy and laughter. So let’s honor the memory of our dearly departed classmate and good friend Boromir, the Son of Gondor.

The entire roomful of people turn and gaze at the large framed portrait of Boromir that hangs on the wall. It is surrounded by beautiful flowers.

Aragorn thinks of that day when he saw Boromir killed by Lurtz at the big game. Three arrows, one by one pierced the body of the Son of Gondor before Aragorn was able to hurl himself at Lurtz and knock him down. Decapitating Lurtz gave the Ranger only a moment of satisfaction, but it could not bring back Boromir. He had wept for his friend, as did Gimli and Legolas.

What Aragorn does not know is that the plan that Boromir had put into place weeks ago was about to come together. All the other classmates kept their promise to not breathe a word of it, so as not to spoil the surprise.

After an hour of dancing and music, Principal Elrond stepped up the podium.

PRINCIPAL ELROND It is now time to announce the Prom King!

Everyone hushes and turns to face Principal Elrond.

Gimli hands a piece of paper to the principal.

PRINCIPAL ELROND This year’s Prom King is. . . ARAGORN!

Everyone claps and cheers. Aragorn is startled. He smiles and walks up to the podium. Miss Arwen places a crown on his head and a royal cape around his broad muscular shoulders. She smiles at him and plants a soft kiss on his cheek. Principal Elrond raises one eyebrow at that, but says nothing.

PRINCIPAL ELROND And now it is time to announce the Prom Queen!

Gimli hands a second piece of paper to the principal.

PRINCIPAL ELROND This year’s Prom Queen is. . . LEGOLAS??!!

Legolas does a double-take.

LEGOLAS How can this be? I didn’t even run for Prom Queen!

Everyone claps and cheers. They urge Legolas to step up to the podium. He slowly does. The Elf feels embarrassed, but he smiles and decides to be a good sport about this.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Legolas, according to the results of the ballot count, you won by a landslide!

Miss Eowyn approaches with a tiara which she places on Legolas’s head. She also hands him a huge bouquet of beautiful red roses.

Aragorn and Legolas look sheepishly at each other. They had no idea this would happen tonight.

PRINCIPAL ELROND Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the senior class Prom King and Queen! They will now dance together.

Everyone again claps and cheers.

ARAGORN (whispers to Legolas) I’ve been meaning to talk to you about us. But the time never seemed right.

LEGOLAS (whispers back to Aragorn) How about while we’re dancing?

Aragorn smiles and nods. The music plays a slow number and they dance.

Aragorn notices someone making his way through the crowd. For a moment the Prom King thinks he sees the ghost of Boromir. Then he realizes the person he sees bears a strong resemblance to Boromir, but it’s not his dearly departed friend.

After the dance Aragorn and Legolas go over to the one who resembles Boromir and introduce themselves.

ARAGORN And to whom do we have the pleasure of speaking?

PRINCIPAL ELROND Ah, Aragorn and Legolas. Allow me introduce you to Faramir, the brother of Boromir.

FARAMIR A pleasure to meet you both. My brother told me so much about you.

ARAGORN Boromir did mention once that he had a brother, but that you lived outside of Mayfield. Are you here at this dance alone?

FARAMIR No, actually I’m meeting my date here. Oh, there she is.

Miss Eowyn smiles and comes over. Faramir embraces her.

FARAMIR You look beautiful tonight. May I have this dance?

MISS EOWYN You may, kind sir.

Frodo sees Miss Arwen standing off to the side drinking some punch. He walks over to her.

MISS ARWEN Hello, Frodo. What do you think of the Prom?

FRODO It’s going very well. Looks great, sounds great and everyone looks like they’re having a good time.

MISS ARWEN The King and Queen look very happy together. I could tell while they were dancing.

FRODO Yes, they do. Miss Arwen, if you ever need a friend to talk to about anything that’s troubling you, I hope you won’t hesitate to come to me. I’ll always be there for you.

Miss Arwen stares at the Hobbit and smiles.

MISS ARWEN Frodo, you are a dear special person. I’m honored to know you. And I’ll keep in mind what you just said now.

She gives Frodo a hug.

FRODO May I have this dance, Miss Arwen?

MISS ARWEN You certainly may.

THE END

2 questions regarding earlier discussion (from one who is still fairly new to some arenas of internet life):
-What is slash anyway? Is it just fiction that makes fun of gay men? What does the gay community (whatever that may mean) think of it?
then
-Can this wonderful thread get back to interesting takes on What if LOTR had been written by someone else?

PS - I don’t mean to sound antagonistic to anyone. I am genuinely curious

Wow! Love the final chapter, Jeanster! Great job!

well he’s back, you bring up some very good questions about slash. Some research will need to be done first before I will be able to give you any answers. I’ll get back to you here later tonight. I want to be able to find some good links about it first.

And welcome!

Here’s a link you may helpful in answering your first question:

http://www.hwslash.net/slash.html

I haven’t found anything yet about how the gay community thinks of it. But rather than take up space in this thread about that, perhaps you could start a thread elsewhere in a more appropriate forum and members who are gay can give you feedback about how they feel about slash fanfic.

I don’t think slash makes fun of gays. The light-hearted humorous slash stories are a nice way to gently ease new readers of slash into this genre. There are also slash stories that are filled with angst, romance, drama, or adventure. They can range from G to NC-17, so please don’t assume that all slash is heavy erotica. A badly written NC-17 slash is porn. A well written NC-17 slash is erotica.

Personally, I feel the best way to learn about slash is to simply dive right in and read some. But be sure it’s good quality, well written slash. If you start with badly written slash, that’s bound to turn you off and give you the wrong impression. Let me know if you want a few links to what I think are well written slash. I’ll be happy to share them with you.

[Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

:smiley: ]

FARAMIR (smiling seductively at Eowyn) “How’re YOU doin’?”


ARAGORN (arguing with Arwen as she stands with her arms crossed while giving him dagger looks) “But we were on a BREAK!”


BOROMIR (saying to Aragorn as he is breathing his last breath while he lies there with three arrows pierced through his body) “Can I BE anymore dead?”

[Here’s the untold story of what happened when the Hobbits checked out of the Inn at the Prancing Pony.]

BUTTERBALL: Here’s your bill, Mr. Underhill.

FRODO (studies the bill): Hmm. What’s this charge here?

BUTTERBALL (looks at the bill): Oh, those are your in-room entertainment charges.

FRODO (puzzled): My what?

BUTTERBALL: You watched ‘Happy Harlot Hobbits Happenin’ in the Haystack’ eleven times.

FRODO: What? No, I didn’t! Look, there must be some mistake! We didn’t even spend the night in that room! We spent all night in the Ranger’s room!

BUTTERBALL: Are you sure? It says here you watched it eleven times.

FRODO: Well, I didn’t! None of us did! Could you take that off my record?

BUTTERBALL: It’s not a record, little Hobbit.

FRODO: Well, just take it off, okay?

BUTTERBALL: Okay. Then how many times DID you watch it?

FRODO (exasperated): NONE!

…and decided to try my hand at some of these. I hope this hasn’t been done before, but I haven’t read all 38 pages. :o

Here’s my first attempt…I hope it’s not too bad. :stuck_out_tongue:

I guess it’s an attempt at ‘What if Enrique Iglesias was Boromir’…:stuck_out_tongue: I haven’t thought of a good title, but the original song was ‘If the World Crashes Down’.

**You make me strong
You give me power
You lift me above all
You give me victory
When all my dreams
Seem like they’re far out of reach.
You make me understand
The way the perfect ring
Should be

You take me to a place
So high
I never wanna let you go.
Sometimes I think
All the things
I should have done
I hope it’s not too late
I wanna keep you forever.

If the ring crashes and burns,
I’ll know my life is incomplete
‘Cause I’ve never held you
Felt you on my finger
‘Cause I can’t imagine
Life without you by my side

You whisper in my ear the words
“One ring to rule them all”
And when the ring is mine
It’s power will just set me free.
**

The Bridge of Kahzad-Dude

Boromir: So, dude, like, what’s this new devilry thing, bro?
Gandalf: A balrog.
Legolas: Bummer, man.
Gandalf: This enemy is beyond all you dudes. Run!
(Run down stairs, across brigde. Gandalf stays behind to face Balrog.)
Gandalf: Dude, like, you can’t pass man!
Balrog: ROAR!
Gandalf: Like, hello, I got the secret fire, man. What have you got dude? Nothing, man. You can’t pass, so just deal, 'kay?
Balrog: ROAR!
(Balrog steps onto bridge. Bridge collapses and balrog falls.)
Pippin: You did it! The Incredibly Old Wiz-Dude did it!
Merry: Awesome, bro!
Aragorn: That was totally narly, Old Wiz-Dude!
Frodo and Sam: Totally tubular!
Gandalf: I so rule, bro.
(Just then Balrog’s whip comes up and pulls Gandalf down.)
Gandalf: Like, fly dudes!
Boromir: Bogus!

More
DUDE OF THE RINGS: THE DUDE-SHIP OF THE RING

I amar prestar aen The world has changed, man.
Han mathon ne nen I can feel it in the water
Han mathon ne chae I can so feel it in the earth,
A han noston ned 'wilith I can, like, smell it in the air… Dude, what is that smell? Like someone’s narly gym socks. Gross, dude.
So anyways, where was I? Oh yeah,
Much that once was has been, like, lost bro, for there’s like no dudes left who can remember it, cuz they were like wasted, you know?
So, it, like, started with some rings, kay? 3 went to the elf-dudes, cuz they were all, like, immortal and fair and stuff. 7 went to the dwarf-dudes, cuz they were real good at cutting up stones. 9 went to men, cuz they were greedy and wanted more than everyone else. Oh, and the rings were, like, magical, bro, and they could totally rule everyone. Pretty cool, huh?
But they all got dissed big time, cuz there was this other ring that no one knew about. The Dark Dude Sauron made in the heart of Mt. Doom in Mordor, kay? And he was, like, all pissed off about something when he made it, so it was like super evil.
One Ring to rule all dudes.
So, like, everyone got enslaved, but this big group of men and elf-dudes decided that they, like, weren’t gonna take it no more and they fought back, bro.
(Majorly bloody battle sequence)
So anyways, the Dark Dude killed the king. Isildur, that would be the king’s son, was all “you bastard!” and chopped off the Dark Dude’s fingers.
(Audience member: No way!)
Way! And the Dark Dude like, exploded, which was good. But Isildur kept the Ring, which was bad. And then the Ring, like, betrayed him and he got killed, which was kind of a bummer, and the Ring got all lost and junk.
History became legend.
Legend became myth.
And a ridiculously long amount of time passed with the Ring lying at the bottom of some river. But then, like, this Incredibly Skinny Dude with a bad comb-over found it and hid with it the tunnels of the Misty Mountains, which I’m betting would be totally awesome for skateboarding, bro. But anyway, the Incredibly Skinny Dude was all “my precious, it came to me, my own” for like 500 years, man. So finally, the Ring was all “forget this wacko” and it ditched him, bro. Cuz there was some major evil brewing and the Ring could, like, sense it, you know. But then, like, this little Hobbit Dude, Bilbo Baggins out of the Shire-hood, found it instead and he kept it.
And now, the time is coming when a bunch of little Hobbit dudes will change the fortunes all other dudes.
Cool.

That was great, Waz Up! More, please?

Great stuff, dude! :wink: I second jeanster’s request - more!! Please. :smiley:

Nithy, excellent list of cereals. Almost had my Beerios coming out my nose!

Welcome to this thread, Arwen Evenstar. Take your time going through all 38 (and counting) pages. It’s a lot to take in, but well worth it. Lots of gems. I’m not familiar with the original song on which your contribution is based, but what you wrote sounds lovely.

Thanks, Jeanster. :slight_smile: I’m going through the pages as much as possible, and, hopefully, will eventually get through them all - SOOOO much good stuff, I don’t want to miss any!! :slight_smile: I especially like your and Waz Up’s contributions - they are very, very funny!! :slight_smile:
You both (as well as everyone else, of course:) ), did a great job!

Thanks, Arwen Evenstar! I look forward to reading any of your future contributions to this thread.

One of the pages has a link to an Index of these parodies. I don’t remember which page. Thirty-something, I think. I had it bookmarked, but then my computer died last weekend. I bought this new laptop which I’m using, so I don’t have that link anymore. The index is still a work in progress, and there’s a guestbook in it you can sign.

http://www.teemings.com/extras/lotr/

Many thanks to Eutychus for updating the index.

Welcome, Arwen Evenstar. I know you’ll like visiting this thread. The folks here who post their parodies for everyone to enjoy are terrific.

[Only a small subset of gamers are going to get this one]

If LOTR had been written as a game by Erick Wujcik (creator of the Amber Diceless Roleplaying game)
GANDALF

“All that the unsuspecting Bilbo saw that morning was an old man with a staff. He had a tall pointed blue hat, a long grey cloak, a silver scarf over which his long white beard hung below his waist, and immense black boots.”

–The Hobbit

Gandalf - Troublemaker of the Shire
(150 Point Version)

“Gandalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable tale. Tales and adventures sprouted up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion.”

–The Hobbit

Master of fireworks, friend of children and eccentrics, harbinger of adventure in its most scandalous and disruptive forms…Gandalf is all of these things, but to the people of the Shire, he is first and foremost a mystery.

Appearing when least expected, speaking in riddles, offering explanations which explain nothing at all, he ensnares plain quiet Hobbits in his schemes and leads them off on mad quests which too often end in madness.

Then again, they may also end in fabulous riches and renown. It’s been known to happen.

So if Gandalf shows up on your doorstep, be very polite…but be very, very careful.

Gandalf - Servant of the Secret Fire
(200 Point Version)

‘You cannot pass," he said…"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass.’…

…but still Gandalf could be seen, glimmering in the gloom; he seemed small, and altogether alone: grey and bent, like a wizened tree before the onset of a storm."

–The Fellowship of the Ring

Istari, member of the White Council, messenger of the Valar, and keeper of Narya, the Elven Ring of Fire–Gandalf is so much more than he appears to the oblivious folk who encounter him day to day.

Deliberately concealing his true power unless forced by dire necessity to reveal it, he travels among the people of Middle-Earth as both harbinger of danger and bearer of hope–warrior and wizard, aiding where he can; but less a leader than a guide, understanding that the fate of the Children of Eru rests ultimately within their own hands.

Gandalf - The White
(300 Point Version)

"Then suddenly he threw back his grey cloak, and cast aside his hat, and leaped to horseback. He wore no helm nor mail, his snowy hair flew free in the wind, his white robes shone dazzling in the sun.

‘Behold the White Rider!’ cried Aragorn, and all took up the words."

–The Two Towers

Funny thing about throwing down with a Balrog, dying, and being returned to life to finish your appointed task. It can really change a person.

Gandalf is through with waiting in the wings, playing the instigator, the herald of doom, the crotchety-but-kindly advisor. He’s all business now. From here on out, it’s No More Mister Nice Wizard.

Theoden needs a boot in the backside? No problem. Saruman’s gotten too big for his britches? He’s outta here. The Lord of the Nazgul’s about to invade Minas Tirith? Bring it on, baby.

It almost makes one wonder what they really needed Aragorn, Frodo and all the rest for. And considering that Gandalf derives from the same race as Sauron himself, it’s a darn good thing for everyone that he appears to be unsullied by personal ambitions.

Then again, we never did find out what happened in the Undying Lands after the books ended, did we?

I’m working on a slash prequel titled “First Meeting”. It’s about how Aragorn and Legolas first meet in Mayfield, Middle Earth. 3 chapters up so far. Rated PG 13, humor.

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1279369&chapter=1

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1279369&chapter=2

http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1279369&chapter=3

Enjoy!

I’ve only plowed my way through about a quarter of this so far, so I’m just gonna cross my fingers and hope this is original. If you’re not Canadian and at least 30 years old, you may not get it at all.

*A long time ago when Middle Earth was green
There were more kinds of creatures than you’ve ever seen
There were Elfs and Dwarfs and Hobbitses, and sure as you’re born
The loveliest of all were the Entwives of Fanghorn

-The Entish Rovers*

Paul